Damn

So yesterday I went to my new doctor. It was weird sitting there while she was reading my chart and I always just feel really ashamed that I have an eating disorder. It makes me feel weak. She asked me to tell me about my history in my own words. I did and she was really nice about it and told me how impressed with me that I have come so far without inpatient. I can't even compare her and Jacobson, the difference is night and day. So we got a little plan that I will do weight checks, I told her I haven't known my weight in about 6 months and how that has helped so so much and I prefer to not know. She completely understood and so did the nurse, Heather, who is a little older than me and was so nice too.

Anyway, after getting an EKG done and some blood work done they gave me some paper work that I bring to the hospital to get an echo done at sometime, I was there reading for the directions to it and there it was printed...my weight. I got through the whole appointment and then of course I had to stumble upon it. I was devastated. I still am. So then I was so anxious the rest of the day, which didn't help the fact that we were going to dinner at a friend's and that we made mac and cheese (something that terrifies me beyond belief). I tried so hard to snap out of it and relax. I went through constant waves of it throughout the night. There were times when I was fine and could calm myself and enjoy and be in the present then my mind kept flashing back to the number. Which contributed to (I can't believe you let this happen, you can't eat anymore now bc you reached too big of a weight, you should start losing weight again, you are fat, blah blah). You know. I hate that it's just a number and If I hadn't had accidently seen it, nothing would be different today. But fuck, it's so different now. I was so so happy not knowing and now I am playing the number game in my head. I'm so torn.

Fuck. Can't I just erase what I saw? This is the most ridiculous disease. I'm ready for my valium please. Also, my lady time has been severely fucked lately. The last 2 months it's started in the middle of my pill cycle, it lasts about the same time, but then I'm torn on whether to start a new pack or keep going. That's frustrating...and confusing. I also have a physical and pap smear on the 19th....I haven't had a lady appt since October of 08....woops. I suppose I have just wanted to be ignorant. So it's good that she wants to do one.

Hrmph. I suppose it's a good time to do it, new year, new check-ups, make sure everything's A-Okay.

This is such an emotional rollar coaster. This recovery. Last night I told Travis I think my recovery will be when I can have him cook and we can eat together, anytime, anywhere, without rules.

A Christmas Follow-Up

I have realized that the holiday season is the hardest for me and it seems like most people with eating disorders. It's months of indulgent rich food. A time for big meals around big tables. A time of basically all the scary food. Coupled with a time to dress up cute and go to lots of parties. This causes a problem. Eating food AND going to parties?! But I can proudly say I think I did pretty great this year. I tried to keep a balance. I did treat myself to McDonalds one night :) Let me just say, it was so so satisfying. I even had enchiladas this season, I tried brussel sprouts for the first time too. I ate a pretty good share of cookies and lots of chocolates. I drank fancy hot drinks at bars WITH whipped cream, I did also eat my veggies and Luna bars to keep a balance. I continued to run 4 times a week and felt great about that. I just really think I did okay.

Christmas eve was nice eating little things all day (my favorite thing to do). I was nervous about Christmas but my parents said if I can only just sit at the table then they understand, they just wanted me there. So I was so releaved. I had brussel sprouts (which I fell in love with), and I had to have my mom's famous jello salad that we have each year and I love the celery in it, and I even had some baked apples and yams.

When Travis got home we were hungry and sadly the only place open was Pizza Pipeline. I decided not to have pizza, I just couldn't do it last night and opted for some carrots with BBQ sauce and some chocolates. Alas, there are easy days and hard days.

Overall though? Pretty great.

My Friday

It's my Friday. Best part is that I only work Wednesday this week. That's rad.
Went out last night and had a lot of fun. I even ate 2 enchiladas, that was the first time in well over a year since I've had one. They were so tasty. Plus, I didn't feel like shit when I woke up. I got up, had a great run and got a lot done. Baked the rest of the hotel cookies, got wrap and ribbon and everything to package them up tomorrow and drop them off at the hotel. They should look good. Plus I'm getting paid $120 for them, which covers my parent's hotel room. Thank god.

Tomorrow morning I have to bake a small batch of lemon rosemary biscotti along with packaging that stuff then relax! Well, decorate gingerbread houses, see the girls, roll around with Travis and snuggle Oliver.

We got home at 4:30 last night and I am finally feeling the lack of sleep. It's 8:30 here, 2.5 more hours then I get to put sweats on, wash my dirty face, and lay down. I can't wait. Fuck.


I have to make an appointment tomorrow for the nutritionist this week, I haven't gone in a while because of all the busy schedules.

December 18th!

It's insane that it's December 18th...it's going too fast...I love the holidays. But I'm not dreading the after part so much because
A. I live with someone who I fall more in love with each day.
B. We have a tiny kitten.
C. I have a great job that I love.

But still...I love Christmas. Monday is going to be spent seeing my ladies and making gingerbread houses. And if Travis has it off, maybe D&D? I just really want to make a gingerbread home.

As far as eating? It's been pretty uneventful this week, which is fine with me. I had a lot of veggies when we went out the other night, which honestly was so so yummy. I really adore brocoli and mushrooms, especially at the Ranch Room, their mushrooms are so big!

I don't have too much baking left to do. Only one more batch for the corporate clients to do that I will drop off Monday. Awesome. Double awesome is that I have Christmas Eve off, I will have to take Ollie home with me for overnight, I don't want to leave him :(

Anywho. My body is...growing on me. Slowly. But it's getting somewhere.

Here goes!

Feeling...
-Happy
-A tiny bit hungry
-Thankful

Wanting...
-To be home, only 1 more hour!
-To eat something really satisfying....
-To have big boobs...

Because...
-I get to see Oliver and let him out of the bathroom, I bet he's pissed. Plus I get to see my nut.
-This week has been average, which I do like very much, but I could use something really...flavorful you know?
-I've always wanted boobs? lol, getting there...

Looking Forward To...
-Tomorrow night because me and Val are going to hang out and hopefully Sarah who I haven't seen forever. Also, I'm helping Bonnie decorate her condo at 11 tomorrow...so early...
-Monday because the corporate cookies will be done and paid for. Plus, I get to see Autumn and meet Nolie and see Sarah, Val, and Jaime and make gingerbread homes, maybe even D&D, which would be rad.
-Tuesday, another day off! Yippee!

Daily Gratitude...
-That this week has been pretty forgiving with my body. I really really appreciate that.
-That we were able to adopt a healthy kitten who needed a home so much.
-That I am the luckiest person I know, in every aspect of my life. It amazes me each night before going to sleep. Wow.

Mkay, well it's 10:12....I'll make a few laps around the halls and call it a night..

December 12th

It's insane that this year is almost over. BUT not getting sad about that yet! We still have lots of Christmas Celebration days! Eeeee! ALSO, a little kitten will be joining our home hopefully soon :) I cannot wait.

Anyway. This week has been mainly pretty great. Monday felt pretty good early night, Tuesday had a blast with a day off, adventure to Bob's and Poppe's, lots of rolling around and giggling with Travis. Wednesday was bomb full of banquet, Poppes, and NYP fun, minus me getting a little too blacked out...(sorry). Thursday was a quiet night, Star Trek, Friday another quiet night filled with present making, today's been fun full of baking banana cranberry bread, finishing ALL my Christmas shopping and finding the good news about the kitten. Meeting up with Sarah and Val when I'm off, hopefully at Copper Hog.

I have tomorrow off and am spending the day baking, finishing up some Christmas presents, and relaxing. Monday is our trip to Seattle, I cannot wait.

Feeling...
-Excited
-A teeny anxious
-Happy

Wanting...
-To be off work now
-To put on my normal clothes
-To punch some hotel guests

Because...
-I can't wait to see Sarah and Val and my nut and whoever else comes to play
-I really like my outfit I have for tonight and I like my hair today
-They are in the lobby being drunk and loud...then again...that many times is me...so I love them

Procrastinating on..
-NOT Christmas presents :)
-Paying my Capital One bill I guess? It's due the 21st so not really....
-Nothing else really? Calling my nutritionist...eh yeah.

Looking Forward To...
-Tonight! 2 hours!
-Tomorrow baking/Christmas decorating more
-MONDAY
-Everything
-KITTEN

Daily Gratitude
-My amazing, forgiving, understanding, loving boyfriend. Who takes me home when I'm blacked out, takes my clothes off, puts my jammies on, takes my jewelry off, and brings me water and a Mr. Goodbar. He is my fucking hero.
-That I don't loathe my body today
-KITTEN


Anywho. It's 9:04.

How is it December 7th already?

I love the Christmas season. It's my favorite ever. And each year it goes by too fast. There's always so much I want to do during it, I get frazzled, imagine that....
I got some gift bags today for cookies I am going to be making the kitchen, housekeeping, and back offices for Christmas. My friends presents are all done. I am working on a scrapbook for my dad and have their present all ready. I need to go to Fairhaven and make some earrings at Bead Bazaar and go to the little wine shop there. I should really do that tomorrow on my day off.
I'm hoping we can play D&D tomorrow night, if not, at least all hang out. I'm excited for the banquet on Wednesday too, mainly because Travis gets to go now. And dressing up.
I have so many cookies to bake and put in cute packages and things to wrap. I need more hours in the day. Even when I get up and do stuff before work I feel like there's so much more to do! I've stayed up late the last two nights, so I'm going to go to bed when I'm off work tonight and try to get up a little earlier to get some stuff done.

I went and got weighed today, I hate that, it's so stupid. I have my lady tomorrow at 1, which is fine, but just want to do so many other things.

I called our land lady today and left a message about adopting a cat. She hasn't called me back yet...



UGH
<3

Holiday

I wore my jeans last night. I made a point of doing it. I put them on, jumped on the bed, turned about a million times, tried to convince myself they looked good, I was fine, trying to be calm until I finally had to tell myself to just leave. So I did. I wore them and felt okay. Still anxious, nervous but fuck I did it. So there we go. Go me. Ugh. I am going to wear them tomorrow too dammit. I can and I will.

Today was pretty okay, even after drinking last night. I ate popcorn last night when we got home and it was A. VERY satisfying B. Didn't make me feel sick or bloated, so that's cool! I got some good errands done today too. I got jars at goodwill for my Christmas gifts and the ingredients I needed. At work I made cute little how to cards for them and when I get home I'm going to fill them up. I think they'll be pretty cute.

Work was alright tonight, It just felt good to get stuff done.

Tomorrow I have some hotel cookies to bake and I am hoping to lurk around downtown because there are a few Christmas things going on downtown. Going out tomorrow night probably. Travis wants to go to a show at the Night Light and It would be fun to have another go at it with the 'jeans.'

I also found a great sparkly green scarf that I wore tonight at work for Christmas. I love it. I am also in love with the decorations at work.

Ohhh and Travis got Tuesday Wednesday off so he can come to the banquet at the Lakeway on Wednesday. Catered event with drinks and hopefully my parents win! I'm so so glad he can come. He is so incredible.

I went on an amazing run today. It was so cold and sunny it felt great. Also, what I noticed today, when it comes to running, I have a LOT more stamina than I used to. I actually ran fast today and it was great and just felt so good to stretch and wake up. I have really enjoyed running again. Especially around our cute neighborhood where I see at least one squirrel per run.

I love this Christmas season with Travis. He has been the biggest part of my recovery. He's so great and I love our Christmas home :)

I can't wait to be home in sweats :)

Vocab

Regret, guilt, shame.
Acceptance, forgiveness, compassion.
The first three are the words I hear most often after eating. The other three are my replacement words. Last night I felt this, which is common, but as I was thinking I was trying to look at it from another perspective. I have always lived by rules and 'bad foods'. 'Bad foods' include things like pizza, pasta, breads, basically carbs. So, whenever I eat these things I feel incredibly guilty and full of shame. Even if that's the only thing I ate all day, these words are so attached to these 'bad foods.' So I am trying to not see foods as 'bad.' I'm trying to not isolate these foods into a bad group and just see them as another option. A yummy option for sure. Scary but yummy.

I am also trying to mourn my old body. It wasn't much of a body but I need to start letting it go. I understand that I am not going back to the 'old me' because the 'old me' can't exist again due to what I have put myself through. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I have always wished to wake up one day and just see me, just be me, see the day as a day. Instead for so long I wake up and worry, check my hip bones, decide whether I am going to eat or not, or what to eat, and these rules kick in etc etc. So obviously this me now is stronger than ever before and will continue to become stronger and wiser. I probably won't notice for a long time but I am realizing it in small bits now.

Post Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving marked my third year of my disorder. The first Thanksgiving was only a week after I came to terms with my problem and sickness. I was in massive denial and did not really understand it all. That Thanksgiving I was afraid of food. That was the first time I was ever afraid of food at Thanksgiving. I remember eating a handful of spiced cashews, I had a lot of really great salad, some chicken, and even some potatoes. I also remember it was my first time eating pecan pie, which I was okay about eating. I remember being really full and sad but was still able to go out to see a movie. Granted this was the beginning and I slipped deeper into the disease as time went on.

The second year was with Travis. It was my first time meeting his extended family. We went to his uncle's and his dad's. I was incredibly nervous. Very nervous for the food. So much so that I didn't eat dinner at his uncles because I thought we were eating at his dad's, which we didn't end up doing. But I think it was more so of an excuse not to eat. I remember grabbing a plate and putting some veggies and fruit on it. I picked at the food, while everyone else ate, but my excuse was 'We are eating at his dad's later, I don't want to spoil my appetite." I remember by the time we left I was hungry. We get to his dad's and the food was put away and dessert was out. I remember being incredibly relieved and yet sad because I had actually missed Thanksgiving dinner. I remember eating 2 of the nut clusters I made, which were delicious. And being really hungry by the time we left. Granted we drove to our amazing suite at our amazing hotel, had an incredibly romantic night then pulled out the phone book to look up food to order, because dammit I had missed dinner! And Travis is so amazing that he will eat with me, whenever, wherever, regardless if he had eaten previously. I remember wanting to order pizza/chinese/thai/ basically all my scary foods. We decided to head out because no where was open, granted it was Thanksgiving. We went to Jack in the Box, which was awesome. I had a southwestern salad, which was tasty and went to bed happy, in love, still with a disorder.

This year we went to his dad's for dinner. This was clear, we were eating dinner. I was terrified, anxious, but also excited to see his family, to socialize, to be around people who knew me and loved me. I was also a little excited for his dad's side of the family to see me because they hadn't since camping, and that was when I was about 80 lbs and I know I am more now and wanted to show them that they don't have to be afraid for me, because I am making progress, mainly because of their amazing son. There was a lot of food out, cheese plates, olives, veggies, salami. I know I could have just eaten and eaten and eaten until I made myself sick. But instead I stuck to olives, pickles, some veggies and focused on socializing more and not being so focused on the food. It worked well and I had a great time talking to people and when it came time to grab plates for dinner I felt okay about it. Granted I didn't eat mashed potatoes or the rolls or the casseroles that were out. I did though fill my plate up with corn, mushrooms, turkey, fruit salads, a couple pieces of cheese and even some salami. I ate it all and felt okay, not too full, not hungry still. I kept talking and socializing which is important. I had a great time and then we headed to his uncles for dessert. I have never been too keen on pumpkin pie so that didn't make me nervous. They did have a berry pie, which I had half a piece of, pretty yummy too. However, I did see the bowl of cashews, which I adore. I snacked on those as well. Then when we got to his mom's I even, god forbid, Had 15 pieces of bowtie pasta!! Yes and 5 candy cane kisses :) All in all, I think I made some progress through the night. I had such a great time. I felt like part of their family. It was wonderful.

THEN, to even stick it more to my eating disorder, I had lunch the next day!! Normally I eat throughout the day, small things, starting around 2. I haven't been to 'lunch' since Billy McHales in September maybe? Maybe that was even August. But I went and it was a buffet! Again, I could have let myself be consumed by the fear of food and eaten until I got sick, but I ate a good amount, I ate until I was full and could still smile after. Not too shabby. THENNNN I even let him take me to dinner that night. Granted, he wanted Thai. Which I LOVE, but I was still a little nervous about A. Thanksgiving the day before B. Lunch C. The weight I have gained lately. SO I chose Boundary. A safe place. But also a fucking great place. I SHARED the pretzel even! Holy shit I've never had one. AND I ate all my salad. THENNN We even got movie snacks, which I always eat all of.

SO there anorexia. Suck it. And I might even go out tonight! WHich means I MIGHT even eat hot food. SO fuck you.

Also, know what I've noticed? I don't feel light headed and can function throughout a whole day with a lot of energy. Weird right?

I'll leave you with this thought from no one other than Mr. Buddah.

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

My third Thanksgiving of anxiety. My third Thanksgiving of being afraid of the dinner. This was also a Thanksgiving of steps forward. I ate more food than last year for example. I didn't hate myself for it. I had Travis there smiling at every bite I took. I had support. I had people around me who love me. I had a pretty great Thanksgiving.

Body Image

I went to my lady yesterday and when I walked in she said, "Whatever you're doing, keep it up, it's working." I had many mixed emotions towards this. Anger, fear, relief, happiness, anxiety, etc. My weight gain...however much it is...I feel like it's a lot...I don't want to guess a number out of fear, so I won't. It is due in thanks to A. Pizza B. Alcohol C. Ranch Room. So, sure it works.

I was just in a quiet daze here at work for a minute. Staring across the lobby, puffing my stomach out, touching it with my left hand, having a fake distant smile on my face. That's what happens when I have nothing to do and zone out, that's when ED comes in the picture. Rrrrr. Those are the times when the thoughts, guilt, regret come.

But! I am out of it now. So there.

Tomorrow me and Travis are going down to Auburn to stay with his mom and spend Thanksgiving down there. I cannot wait. I'm so happy I was able to get Thurs and Friday off to spend with him. A mini vacation. Excellent.

Fits

I threw a fit this morning. I did feel a bit better after. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs because it hurts so much. It's better than internalizing it. So yes, I ranted, raved, whatnot. As well as last night, gah, why am I so predictable? Well here goes....

Feeling...
-Full and bloated
-Anxious
-Excited

Wanting...
-To be in bed
-To be normal, whatever the hell that means?
-To not be so full

Because...
-I am so so sleepy went to bed at 4am
-Sometimes I don't feel normal...
-I ate a lot last night and feel icky

Procrastinating on...
-Nothing really

Looking Forward to...
-Tomorrow! I am baking 2 cheese cakes for Bonnie ($50) and hotel cookies ($25), drinks with my mama and D&D!!!
-Thanksgiving because I got it off work! Now I get to go to Auburn with Travis.

Daily Gratitude...
-MY amazing, sexy, gorgeous boyfriend who compliments me all the time and makes me feel like a princess.
-Life, health, my body.

Perspective

Body dysmorphic disorder can go hand in hand with either type of eating disorder. Not only is there this physical and mental need to fit into a tiny space, then, at least for recovery, there is the problem of perspective and how distorted your mind is in terms of your body. It's frustrating, but expected. Travis brought this to my attention the other night. Even though I 'feel' a lot bigger I do understand that I may not actually look ' a lot bigger.' So therein lies the problem. This is where you have to trust people right?

I am trying and resisting and yes trying. So I keep going. Had some great pizza on Thursday night, it was very satisfying. However, any hot food after drinking especially is incredibly satisfying.

Mkay. That's all for right now. I'm heading over to say hi to my nut next door.

Keep on TRUCKIN'!!! Christ, okay.

Mild Frustration

So I went to my lady today and brought pictures of me at different times to show her that I have always been petite. One is with all the girls at Autumn's wedding. That's my normal weight, that's where my body evened out at and where I felt comfortable and able to do hella things, because we did a ton of stuff that spring/summer/fall. ANYWAY, she looks at it and says "Those girls are a lot bigger than you" I was like, yes they are, they are tall and I am petite so obviously it's going to make me look even smaller. After looking at them she tells me, with this look on her that's awful, " I want to get you healthier" I was like? Well, here's the thing. At that weight (which is where I am almost at) I competed with Ozzie in shows, ran 5K's, went on adventures, went to class full time, blah, blah. I have never (through even my lowest weight) had vitals that weren't normal.

So anyway, I guess I am frustrated because even though I am still struggling with the mental part of it, physically my body is working great. I am just tired of being looked at (Still) like I am 78 pounds. I'm never going to be 120 and I wish they would just get off that.

Rant. Ugh. Boo.

Anyway. On a better note. I have Thanksgiving off!!! Yipee! Which means I get to go down with Travis and see his family! I'm so excited, last year was so great, and I can't wait to be down there since I know them so much more now!! I work at 3 the next day, but that should be fine. So I'm happy. Yes, I am nervous about the food. That's a given, but take it as it comes right?

Last night I ate 2 GROSS Lean Cuisines and just wanted to say, I feel AWFUL for people who eat those or have to eat those or feel like those things are the only things they can eat. For one, they are TINY, they are so so gross. I had just forgotten how bad microwave food is. HOWEVER their paninis are fabulous. Okay done, suck it Lean Cuisine.

My anxiety is still up. But I am better at working through it.

Yesterday Travis and I went to the mall to look at all the Christmas stuff and I got these AMAZING blue sparkly balls!! Love them. It was a really great day.

Ummmm, I have 6 days in a row until next one off. That's okay, I am going to work on balance this week. Alsooooo, oh I don't know. I'm sure I'll have more to rant about at a later date.

Twirling

I have so many thoughts right now. So many things I want to write down, I don't know where to begin. Which means this post will probably be incredibly scattered, but aren't they all?

What's recovery? How will I know when I'm all of me again? Can't someone just tell me when I'm there? I know that this will be something that I struggle with for a long time, if not forever in the back of my head. Which doesn't mean I can't be all of me, I just know that I won't ever forget about this time. Recently my anxiety has spiked. Yes I know it is because of my recent weight gain, which I realized today, I wish my lady hadn't told me that last Tuesday. I feel like it's really had an impact on my week. My anxiety, though it's been higher, hasn't consumed me like it used to. I am able to relax better on my own. But this week I did have like 3 breakdowns, thankfully Travis was there to calm me down, he's the most incredible boyfriend. What triggered my breakdowns? Well, I had one on Monday (which I had NO memory of at all, which is odd). Travis said I was upset that people weren't realizing my progress, mainly the doctors, but I didn't feel bad about food that night, I had some of my apple pie bread, snacked throughout D&D and then had veggies at the Ranch Room, which is safe for me and I really do enjoy.

Tuesday I am 100% sure it was from food, not that we went to dinner (which was great) or the fact that we got movie snacks (bc that's pretty safe for me and I love to do it) it was because I made a Lean Cuisine panini and 4 falafel balls. I felt so painfully guilty that it was overwhelming. Thoughts of "You already had dinner and snacks, why are you eating again" etc. Just, awful.

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were great days, average at work, ate normal things, nothing upsetting and I felt pretty okay in my body. Saturday I got myself all worked up and could hardly breathe before going to bed. I didn't remember until this morning, well I had to ask Travis, if we had ordered nachos at the Ranch Room. We had and I had also ordered pizza and breadsticks that got there when we got home. I had 3 pieces of pizza (I think) and yes it was so so good, but I just lost it. It's been a rough day, for one because I am so full and uncomfortable from all the food last night and I have felt tremendously guilty. I have also been actively trying to put it into perspective. I split nachos with 3 people, that's not awful. I had 3 pieces of pizza, normal people do that all the time. I am trying to be okay right now. Ugh.

I would just like to add in again, how lucky I am that Travis is so patient, understanding, and knows me more than I know myself half the time.

Today? I am tired, from a long night. I have been so bloated all day. I am looking forward to taking my tummy pills, because I really need to and it will help me feel a little better, curling in my jammies at home, and getting a good normal night of sleep. No panicing, no hyperventalating, no tears. Just curling in bed, having Travis tuck me in and kiss me goodnight and falling asleep smiling because of him.

Oh, by the way. I bought jeans! Yeah. 2 pairs yesterday. At American Eagle I grabbed 8 pairs and 2 actually worked. I like that they sit low on me, not on my tummy, I like because they fit my legs and they fit my butt (funny that I almost typed 'fat ass', fuck that). I wore them last night, I felt pretty okay in them, incredibly nervous most the night, but made a good effort to really wear them in and make them mine. That's my goal for them, to make them mine and really wear them in.

My goal for tomorrow? Balance. There are lots of things I want to do tomorrow, including
-Go to the bathroom!!! Ugh, lol, awful.
-Paint my toes!
-Do laundry!!!
-Throw away old makeup that's taking up room!
-Put all my new spa stuff in the bathroom!! Fun spa basket!
-Put on jeans and wear them all day
-Go to the mall with Travis and see all the Christmas decorations!
-Roll around on the floor, a lot, maybe in the snuggie
-Kiss a lot
-Put lots of candles out for D&D
-Go to Eagles and get dice!

I am looking forward to D&D very much too.

Balance tomorrow. I want to actively try to not notice my hard areas. Breathing, balance, loving.

P.S. I found a great new fashion blog called Cupcakes and Cashmere, and I love it because the girl's fashion is just like mine, PLUS, she's a normal size! I just really admire women who are normal and have curves. That's also on my 'to work on' focusing on the woman's body. Understanding that I should not have a body of a girl but a woman. I want boobs, I want shape, and I want to love them all. I want my bras to fit again.

Edit---
I am reading this blog right now, called Bearing, Eating, Being. I've been reading it a while. A girl who is still in recovery, but went through a good year of 'refeeding' gaining weight. Anyway, she has these Practical Matters posts that are really helpful, especially where I am right now. Here's a piece from one called "Dealing with your body changing", It's nice because she went through what I'm in right now. She's on the other side, it's nice to know there's another side.

"During refeeding, touching my body in the shower set off a barrage of bad thoughts since it reminded me of how it was changing, so I used a loofah. I removed the full length mirror from my room for a while and kept only my shoulders-up mirror for makeup application. I lived in sweatpants and yoga pants and tried really hard not to notice as they got tighter. During refeeding, recognize that you have the rest of your life to work on loving your body. Don’t make yourself crazy by trying to “accept” something that will look different in a few weeks, and try to ignore the changes to your body as much as possible. You have enough to worry about. "

This is really good to read. Anyway, I'm done for now.

Phase 2?

I feel like I'm there. My 'phase 2.' It took me basically 5 months to get to 'phase 1,' which was gaining a certain amount of weight and keeping it. Then I was the same for a few weeks, stable, whatnot. Now, I have gained more weight, my 'phase 2.' Thoughts? It fucking blows ass. Yes, it sucks. It hurts, I am getting bloated a lot again, like I did in the bad part of 'phase 1' and I know I know that it will level out and be stable for a while, but right now, in these critical days/weeks whatever, it's just really fucking hard. So I ran across another great recovery blog and one girl wrote in with this question (which is prevalent to me right now )

“How do you react when you feel hate for yourself and your body? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed, instead of hurting yourself or restricting?”

Obviously I don't hurt myself but the restricting absolutely applies to me. Plus, right now with my body changing I am having a lot of awful thoughts.

"Blog girl" answers as follows...

"As a woman who loves her body now (or at least likes it most of the time!), trust me when I say that you can in fact learn to stop hating yourself AND your body. This is one of the main things people struggling with eating disorders (especially those who are women) think is impossible. What I hear a lot is, “It may be possible...but not for me.” Let me tell you, ladies (and men), cut that way of thinking right out of your brain. Carve it out of there and throw it away. It IS possible for you...if you LET it be possible. And if you realize that you may have to garner an extreme amount of patience in order to wait for this sort of self-hate to dissipate."

She goes on to say the following...

The first thing you need to ask yourself is: What are the circumstances surrounding my feelings of hate for myself and/or my body?

So I will answer these myself! This is to say when I am feeling these thoughts...

-Did you just discover you’d been rejected in some way by a person, a program, etc? Doubtful, Travis is my biggest support and everyone in my life is really helpful.

-Were you unsuccessful in an endeavor you had hoped to master/finish/etc? This doesn't make me hate my body, mainly because I am hardly bad at anything, I'm pretty capable.

-Did you just eat (whether it was too much or too little)? This is what it usually comes from, and it's normally when I eat a lot (for me).

-Did you just weigh yourself and not like the number? Alas, I stopped looking, which has helped a ton. I wasn't going to do this in the beginning but the number did begin to scare me.

-Did you just attempt for a long time to choose clothing to wear and were still unsatisfied with the choice you made? Yes Yes Yes. This comes from all my clothes being too small, which is why I took more to sell today. Saturday I am going shopping for clothes that fit.

-Did you just endure a hurtful/stressful/uncomfortable time with your family or friends? Not now. In the past (Jan) then yes with money and my parents. But these days I really truly enjoy all the time with my parents.

So what helps me get past these thoughts? Awareness. When do I feel the worst? What triggers these thoughts? What am I doing at the time? Where am I?

Triggers? Anxiety 20000%, clothes, the mood I'm in, confidence, fuck I could make a huge list. But at least I can practice being more mindful and present.

When I say to myself, 'I'm frumpy and fat, no clothes fit me, I look awful blah blah then try my hardest to take a hard look at ME and try to see all of me and not just one part and to still love that part.

Okay, BREAK!

Clothes, Breathing, Food, Love

Hrm. I went to my lady yesterday and she said I gained weight. This is me excited....okay okay, part of me knows it's good and yes I do feel better, meaning I have more energy, I feel more like me for sure and the other part is terrified. UGH. I have no idea what I weigh, thank god, but I notice in the way everything fits me. I notice looking down (the worst thing ever), just these little things that I feel are so frustrating.

I mean, I look at my closet and probably 80% of my stuff stares back at me saying "You can't wear me anymore, you'll look too fat blah blah" then I'm left with a rut of the same 'safe' clothing, which I am quickly running out of. A couple weeks ago I got rid of most of my tank tops, which was good. Now, I'm thinking I should get rid of more. I don't even know what to do with my jeans? I should, take them to Buffalo and start over. Buy a pair of jeans that really fit me and that I feel good in. I want so much to have tight, dark, hot jeans again and I am SOOOO afraid of that as well. RRRRRR. What do I do with my Diesels? I have to keep them because I paid $235 for them and god dammit that's a ton of money. When I got them they fit like a glove, I mean perfectly. So yes I will keep those. However, my AF jeans and even my skinny jeans I think need to go just so I can get a replacement that doesn't have memories attached to them. That's what it is, it's the memories attached to each one of those pieces of clothes.

This is turning out to be an expensive problem, hopefully I'll get an okay amount with the ones I sell.

I just would kill for a tight fitting pair of jeans that I feel good in to wear my boots with and a coat for winter. Fuck I'm crazy.

Last night I went to Poppe's with my mom, had a great time, a really really great talk then Travis got me and we went to dinner. He said he wanted either thai, italian, or mexican. Alas, my 3 most terrifying foods, let's toss in pizza and nachos too while we're at it. BUT, probably because I was a bit drunk, I said okay, you pick and I will make myself go. So, we went to....D'Anna's. I haven't been there in years and I didn't know that they had a caesar salad, so I went thinking pasta, so so scary. But alas! They had a GREAT chicken caesar salad, which I enjoyed so so much. ALSO, we had the tapanad with bread, AND I ate my pizza bread :) It was an amazing great dinner. Then!! We went and got movie snacks!! Gah! This was me getting movie snacks, a lot of them. Then at home we finished a bottle of champagne, ate movie snacks, then I did something I never would have done. I made my lean cuisine pannini in the oven WITH 4 falaffel balls! What was I thinking?! Let me just say, that panini was fucking amazing, I wasn't expecting it to be, but it was and those falaffels were so so good. But god damn, that was A LOT of food in one day for me, a lot. Unfortunetly I am definitely feeling it today, all day, which has sucked. But my lady and nutritionist said I have a right to feel the discomfort and work through it, which means that yes I have to recognize it, realize it will happen and just deal with it in whatever way. Well, today has SUCKED. I am so bloated, full, uncomfortable, and cramped up. But what's different than a few months ago? I don't regret last night. I had an amazing, wonderful, fun time with Travis, one of my favorite nights ever. So if I have to go through a day of cramps and bloating then fine. I ate food. I am strong enough to battle through the bad days, because they will happen and I have to be able to handle it.

So there. 2 rants.

My goals this week? Recognize myself as a whole. See me as me and that I can be beautiful without being 78 pounds. This is what I will be telling myself all week.

So for question time!!!

Feeling...
-Bloated and cramped
-Happy
-Guilty
-A little scared

Wanting...
-To be home to see Travis' beautiful face
-To watch Top Chef
-To be better
-To buy clothes

Because...
-He's amazing and I had so much fun last night
- I missed it last week AND it's on tonight toooo
-I am so fucking sick of hating my body
-I have none left and want new ones that don't remind me of bad things

Procrastinating on...
-Getting stuff for the baby shower
-Getting a handle on clothes and jeans

Looking forward to...
-The baby shower and shopping Saturday
-Next Monday, as always
-Not being cramped as hell!

Daily Gratitude...
-Realizing my sexuality is coming back :) That's hard for me
-My amazing, hot, sexy, perfect boyfriend who supports me when I can't support myself
-My amazing loving parents, who are truly my heros

So, this is where I will leave you for now. Off to browse clothes online, plan baby shower stuff, and talk to myself about being okay.

Noviembre

It's crazy that it's already November 6th. I had a pretty great October filled with copious amounts of decorations, pumpkin carving, fall baking, and snuggling. I plan to continue this fully through November :) Travis even brought me home great little pumpkins and squashes from work to decorate.

I think I've been doing pretty well. We went to Scotty Brown's on Tuesday and it was wonderfully amazing and romantic. Last night when I got off work we made a spontaneous trip to Applebees for nachos and buffalo wings. I ate all the nachos, like a trooper. And today I feel pretty okay, it is definitely better than it would have been say a few months ago. Sure, throughout the day there was guilt coupled with good thoughts. What I notice though is that the good thoughts are getting louder than the guilt and shame. This is key. Crappy thing about today? I woke up with a worse cold :( I took a bunch of Nyquil and got some head congestion pills that have kept me functioning at work, but I am fading now.

Yu-Ting brought me champagne, tea, and mascara. It was so so nice and perfect because tea is all I want right now. I'd rather be curled in my snuggy with Travis and my tea watching X-Files, but soon enough :)

Travis said the most amazing thing to me last night at Applebees. Now, I wanted the nachos because for whatever reason they are a real scary food for me and at the same time the most satisfying for me. So I didn't actually think I would eat them all, but I did. And when I was done he had the biggest smile on his face and told me how different I am when I'm full and happier. He's so supportive it's amazing. He is my world and deserves only amazing things.

Went and got weighed today, I see my lady and Dr. Jacobson on Tuesday, nutritionist on Wednesday. It's going.

Here goes the best part!

Feeling...
-Sick
-Happy
-A little sleepy

Wanting...
-To not be sick anymore or get sicker
-To not be on my lady time....
-To be at home

Because
-I was already sick! I had 3,000 mg of Vitamin C today dammit
-I am feeling pretty good in that sense ;)
-Because it's way more comfy than this desk at work

Procrastinating on...
-Calling Sallie Mae and Great Lakes!!! TOMORROW!!!
-Jeans....
-Christmas shopping!!

Looking forward to...
-Monday and Tuesday!!
-Not having a cold!
-Not being on lady time!

Daily Gratitude
-Thankful for cold medicine
-The champagne, mascara, and tea Yu Ting brought me
-An amazing night with Travis
-My forgiving body

Learning

My goal is to work on thinking before speaking or acting in rash ways. I am so glad Travis told me how he felt last night. We had a great talk and I do know that I can be awful, moody, difficult at times and I take it out on him. That is not okay ever. So, I will do better. He is my rock, my support, my love and the little disorder voice in me will sometimes say I should fight against everyone. In actuality, everyone is here to love me and support me. So I owe that to them as well.

Hrmph.

Eating wise, I think I have been doing pretty okay. I bring the same stuff to work each day, which is nice and there is usually something else here to snack on as well. It's so frustrating that my guard goes completely down when I drink. Now, obviously, I can't drink every time I want to eat, and I don't. But, those are the rare times that I do eat foods that normally terrify me (i.e. pizza, nachos, fries, breads). Almost every time I drink I want nachos, lol, it's ridiculous. But, the part that makes me angry at myself is when after I eat whatever I eat, I can be mean. It's the guilt setting in blah blah. Instead, I am going to work on rewarding, having compassion, and trying to be okay with what I just ate, because it's okay. So that's a good thing to work on. Everyday I learn something new about me, about Travis, about us and I am so thankful that we talk about things. Life will be full of crazy things and all I know is that we can get through any of it and that's pretty unique.

All in all though, I feel pretty okay. I have the next two days off with Travis and am so so excited for that. A date to Scotty Brown's on Tuesday! Eeeee! Plus, I finally get to play D&D tomorrow with everyone :)

Blustery

The word 'blustery' always reminds me of Winnie the Pooh and the Hundred Acre Woods. They had blustery winds that would carry Pooh up to the honey bee hive. I really do love those movies and books. It's really blustery out right now and I feel like I could be carried to the top of anything.

I went and got weighed today, for my third week in a row I didn't look at the number. It is so amazing not knowing how much I weigh, I love it. I care not to know :) My lady sort of got on my case on Tuesday because she knows my weight (she calls every Friday for it) and said I 'stayed the same' as last week. She thinks I'm going to plateau again or something. My nutritionist told me not to be surprised if my weight doesn't go up for a week, since I had gained weight the previous week. With things starting to work (this includes night sweats which they tell me is good and common, gross). So? I don't know?

I truly do think I'm doing pretty well. I feel so much better, I have way more energy all around. My Zoloft got upped today, so that's cool at 100mg.

Feeling
-Content
-Happy
-Excited

Wanting
-For it to be tomorrow
-To be off work with Travis
-To be mindful and present more

Because
-It's Halloween and I'm dressing up as Holly Golightly for work! No work uniform!
-We are going to watch Dracula! And snuggle :)
-I'm still not that good at being present, but working on it

Procrastinating on
-Budgeting!
-Not much else really, I made my Jacobson appt, my appt with my new doctor, paid my bills, and got my RX.

Looking Forward
-To Monday! For D&D and day off with Travis!
-Tuesday! Another day off with Travis!
-Tomorrow for all things Halloween

Daily Gratitude
-My boyfriend waking me up at night after he's come home to let me know he's okay
-My life and health
-My parents
-My animals, who I miss

One Word

My lady asked me on Thursday if I could give one word to describe my eating disorder what would it be? This took me no time to answer, control. She added anxiety as well. Control, structure, comfort all wrapped into one. I am learning to still keep these things because they are important, but act through them in a way that is healthier, obviously. I like the structure of these questions, it helps organize my thoughts, which so often feel so random. So here goes again...

Feeling
-Really full
-A little anxious
-Calm

Wanting
-To stop thinking about the 3 cookies I ate
-To stop thinking about the nachos and cheese fries
-To focus on all the exciting things ahead, especially tomorrow

Because
-I deserved the cookies dammit, they were good
-Again, I deserve to eat, even if it's nachos and cheese fries
-I have been looking forward to our Halloween party for so long

Procrastinating on
-Finding stupid heels
-Canceling my Regence insurance
-Making a new doctor appointment

Looking Forward To
-Baking tomorrow
-Decorating tomorrow
-Getting dressed up
-Spending a day off with Travis!

Daily Gratitude
-I am so happy and lucky to have great friends like Sarah and Val
-Travis looking at me with those amazing eyes and making me feel like a princess
-Fall weather !!!

An Honest Post

Yes, I stole this idea from another similar blog and really liked it, so obviously I had to try it out.

Feeling
-Quiet
-A little anxious
-Happily pleasant (makes sense huh?)

Wanting
-To stop feeling guilty for having part of a patty melt
-To be home in comfy clothes
-To have Travis hug me
-To be more mindful and in the present

Because
-I know I can eat meat, melted cheese, and bread and not die
-My heel broke at work and it is not comfy to stand on
-Travis gives the best hugs and I love his smile
-I am a little nervous about tomorrow and need to stop thinking ahead

Procrastinating on
-Getting my flu shot, but in all honesty Walgreens was out of them today
-Loving my WHOLE self

Looking Forward To
-Drinks with my mom tomorrow
-Finding my Lady Gaga costume tomorrow
-Organizing for the Halloween party
-The Halloween party (and a day off with Travis)
-Watching Top Chef
-Sleeping

Daily Gratitude
-I went and got weighed today, didn't look, and feel pretty okay about that
-As a whole, I think I did pretty good at having compassion for myself today
-Travis and everything he says to me, his words are the most amazing words I have ever heard
-Having a slow night at work so I could make Halloween crafts :)

Warming Up Fall

So how is the 'Process of letting go' going? I think pretty okay. My anxiety, compared to a few months ago, has been cut down dramatically. I can relax more (thanks to Travis), I breathe more I think, I can jog and stretch, I can look down at my body and take baby steps to embrace the changes, I have yet to try the jeans, but will be investing in new attire. I feel like so much of 'me' is back :) I smile more, I laugh more, it just feels good. So much better than it was.

Cold Air

I think today has been the coldest fall day so far. I love it. I loved the low fog all day, the quiet of it all, the cold air on my face.

Things have been good. Today I went for a jog around the neighborhood. I found myself a pretty great route and it felt so wonderful. I missed doing my daily exercise so much. It wakes me up, starts my day off great, and just feels so great. My ears were freezing at the end but it was worth it. I love looking at everyone's Halloween decorations around the neighborhood too, which then inspired me to put up decorations on our front porch, I did this immediately after.

I am rewarding myself for a. gaining weight b. practicing embracing my body c. letting myself have exercise for the right reason :)

Anywho, I have chosen a new doctor. She is in the Barkley area and I called today. No more Jacobson, no more driving to the hospital. I am looking forward to a new set of eyes and a new environment.

I had a good talk with my lady today too. We talked about my clothes and came to the conclusion that yes I do need to get rid of my tanks and shirts. Because when I see them I picture my body how it used to look wearing those, so they need to be gone. I will sell them sometime this week and slowly start building a healthier wardrobe. Still not touching the jeans, which is fine for now.

This is my second night of work and my next day off is Saturday. Travis is at work too. Saturday will be a busy day, I have to get my costume and the stuff for the Halloween party. I also really want to go to a pumpkin patch with Travis that day since he doesn't work until 5. Hopefully.

Oh and I ate 3, count that, 3 pieces of amazing satisfying pizza last night. Guess what? I feel pretty okay, I think going for my run has a lot to do with that. There's massive amounts of research linking exercise to happiness and obviously more energy etc, so it's kinda wonderful.

I think I am starting to accept parts of my changing body. I still am desperately clinging to other aspects as well. But, I think, I am starting to get used to it. I am trying at least. I go get weighed today after work. I am terrified. I decided I'm not going to look and if Sue tells me I will say something, mean.

I am in a haze today. I really miss Travis. I miss going out to dinner, going to movies, going on adventures. I really hope I get those days of the week off so we can do those things. He's perfect. He's so amazing. I am so lucky.

Food For Thought? Food for Tummies more like it

Today when I was talking to my lady I was trying to explain when I physically distance myself from people, mainly Travis. My image of my body is so distorted that I am afraid when he touches me he will see that distortion and react to it the same why I do (which is not positive). Now, obviously I can see the reality in this. I can see that my image is massively distorted and that he (let alone anyone) does not see what I even close to see. I can see that the 'feeling' of my changing body is not reflected. I understand what I 'feel' is not what is shown. She then told me I will have to literally grieve the loss of my hip bones. This is what I was trying to find words for. It is so dead on that it is literally grieving. They have always been a source of safety, protection, comfort, etc for me and with them leaving...well you can see.

So. Travis was a great listener last night too, when I was trying to put this into words. You know what he reminded me of? His love is unconditional. He will love me as much as he did yesterday and even when I am feeling all sorts of physical and emotional strain. That during those times, when I can't love myself, he can. Which led me to this, while I am sitting here at work writing in my journal. The crazy question of the day!

Why is it I feel the most guarded (sometimes) around him? I SHOULD feel the most comfortable, at home, etc around him. Granted, this is from a very broad step back. MOST of the time I do. But, why is it, in those times that are the hardest, do I distance myself from him? When the ONLY person I am fighting, ever, is myself? I find that odd because he is the most supportive and I do feel the most comfortable around him. He brings out who I am really. I think the part that steps in is from the past. Not that he is 'Travis' the fact that he is my boyfriend, he is my lover, my best friend, and those times that feel the worst for me I don't want my 'boyfriend' to feel less attracted to me.

Those are my thoughts for the moment. It's warm at work and I think I'm going to take a lap now.

Oh, but positive things right! Well, my tummy pills have NOT worked yet, tonight is night 4 of them, anytime now....BUT stay positive right? Right.

I am excited for the following...

Getting home tonight, watch TV on the new one with Travis.
Day off tomorrow, I only have 2 short appointments then Autumn's coming over to make crafts
Travis has tomorrow off too and might not be going to his concert, it would be a great movie night :)
Mkay, break!

A Day

It's important to count each day. To recognize each day. To live each day. It's too easy to bypass a day in preparation for another. I'm still practicing the art of being in the moment. Travis is the master of that and he has helped me a lot.

I am still terrified of the changes that are happening. It is so scary and beyond hard to explain. My nutritionist told me to take these 2 types of tummy pills every night for a few weeks to get things going digestive wise. I haven't been very good about it yet, because the couple nights I took it, the day after I felt so uncomfortable. I understand I have to stick with it and just make it through those days. So ugh, tonight I will take all of them.

I have a cold right now, my head is fuzzy, my throat is sore, and my nose is runny. My colds usually last 3 days at the most. I work too, which honestly I would rather be working than sitting at home sick. Because god knows I do not do well sitting at home being sick, I go insane. So I am thankful to be here, even with sickness. Tonight I will take some Nyquil and sleep as much as I can, repeat tomorrow.

I forgot I am supposed to be writing down what I am thankful for. So today, Sunday, I am thankful for
-The beautiful fall weather and all the colors
-Halloween decorations
-The amazing things Travis told me last night
-Being able to go home to the love of my life

As for writing things that I love about myself, here goes :)
Today I am rather smitten with my nails, they look nice. I am also feeling okay about my stomach right now (my awful scary area), I am trying to get used to seeing my hip bones leave. Positive note on that would be when they leave I get to exercise again :) Which makes me really happy, I miss my morning runs. I am very excited for that again. Actually, on Friday I went for a run, it was a slow one, but deserved due to my weight gain, and it felt truly great.

I go in for my weight on Tuesday. I am torn whether or not I want to see it. I don't want to but I also don't want Sue to mumble it again. I will flat out tell her no. I loathe her...
The last thing I want is to not become obsessed with the number. I would rather feel my body change than look at the number. On the other hand, sometimes it is comforting. Hrm? Still have a couple days to think on it.

Also, on a side note. I read this blog, the girl who is 29 and seriously every post she does there are so many similarities between us it's silly. This week she watched "Shrink", so did I. She cleans and does laundry to feel accomplished (same), she worries about money all the time (same), she eats little kid cliff bars (same), she fears disappointment from people and talked about that in therapy (so did I last week). It's just funny to read because I feel like we think a lot a like. It's nice to know I'm not the only crazy one out there too. Also, she has a kitten she adores (I still need one) and has an amazing, supportive, loving man ( I'm positive mine is better though).

Moving on.

I have always thought it was important to always have things to look forward to. Whether it's a coffee date, a trip, or something as simple as going to a pumpkin patch. It's nice to look ahead. So, I will write what I am looking forward to currently....
-Doing Halloween crafts and baking with Autumn on Wednesday
-Working the 8-4 shift Thursday morning (because I can wear what I want and get to sit down the whole shift!)
-Baking the strawberry margarita cake for the auction on Saturday (and the auction in general).
- Watching Trav and I's scary movie, Boot Camp.
-Oh and I will toss this one out there, being a little more recovered each day.
-Oh and carving pumpkins with Travis

Things I am proud of.
-I allowed myself to have 2 of my amazing cookies, I wish I had more :(
-I allowed myself to eat some of my pumpkin bread (even if I was a little drunk)
-I just had 5 of Yu Ting's fries

These are okay.

It's 8 now and my cold is kicking in more. I feel so weak and just want to be in bed so much. 3 hours....

Wow, it's only 9 and I just ate some crackers and wasabi. Not smart. I feel so cold sick I am counting the hours...

Fear and Loathing or Freedom and Loving?

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the woman's body this week ( Hey yo). All the different shapes, sizes, forms. I've been working on waking up each day and thinking about what I like about myself. Working on compassion for my body and myself. Forgiveness. And...it's going.

I'm trying to challenge myself each day too. Do one thing that's scary. It doesn't have to be huge, it can be as little as having a piece of cake or a cookie (Usually though, that leads to 5 .... :) Yesterday I got off work and we were all going out. I was nervous because I didn't know what to put on. It's cold out now and I can't wear shorts that often so I threw on some jeans, a tank, and the sweater Travis got me for Christmas. Initially I felt so uncomfortable. The jeans were not falling off my body (this made me nervous) the tank and sweater were fitted (this also made me nervous). But I said fuck it and went with it. And you know what? I felt like me that night. I was still feeling for my hip bones at points (which are leaving) but for the majority of the night I felt pretty great.

I have to be able to look down and not let what I see determine my day. For example, right now, I'm bloated beyond belief (thanks recovery) and I really do feel huge. BUT, I'm going to roll with it. Because I know for one, my mind is distorted beyond belief. I know that I don't look like I feel. I know that my body is thanking me for the weight gain, even if it makes me want to scream no and run in the other direction. The other part of me is comforted. Because I can laugh and smile about it.

I have also been blog stalking like nobody's business. I have 2 main ones I follow. A 24 year old girl in recovery from ED living in New York City and a 29 year old in recovery from ED. Both are at very different points and very different types of people. The girl in NY I think is recovered more than the other. She is living my dream of experiencing different exciting things and relishing in the beauty of small things, she is to say the least, mindful and present (my goal). The other girl is struggling more. Unlike NY girl, she has been to inpatient, gotten married, split up, and they are currently moved back in. It's interesting to read about how her husband has been through all of her ED time. She is on a similar outpatient as me and we eat similar things. But what I like about hers is she says what she's thankful for everyday in her blog. So I will start that. Positive thoughts.

Today I am thankful for
1. Travis visiting me at work.
2. Getting a new Glamour magazine
3. Chocolate brownie Luna bars
4. The fact I am going to eat hella popcorn and watch a scary movie tonight
5. The cold and ability to wear a scarf and pea coat.

Breathing?

I did not especially enjoy yesterday. It was another day off, more importantly I didn't have any plans for it. On my Saturday off I knew I was going to see the girls, go out with my mom, and clean up around the house. Sunday however....Sunday got to me. Which hasn't happened in a few weeks (which is nice). The day drug along. I tried to occupy my time but ned just kept creeping up on me, lingering in the back of my thoughts until he was out full force and just yelling. I hated it. All I wanted was it to be the next day. For it to be over. I ate what felt like to me a lot and felt worse after each thing I swallowed. I went to bed with an awful stomach ache and emotionally exhausted and destroyed from a full day of ned.

I woke up not that great either. I still feel sick from yesterday...emotionally/physically. Detached from my own body. I didn't feel me this morning. I even jerked away when Travis tried to hold me. When I feel so detached It's like anything that touches me feels like it's miles away. Talk about not being mindful or in the moment.

I am at work now, I feel a little better being at work just because it forces me to pull myself out of it. But I still feel detached. I feel like my body isn't my own. I feel like my body hasn't been my own in months. I want it back. I want me back.

I want to be able to wake up and put on whatever I want. I want to be able to wear my jeans. I want to wear clothes that are tight again and not feel like throwing up. I want to be able to go do anything on a whim and not be afraid of what might happen. The anxiety, yes is down, but the physical goes up.

I know I can do this. But sometimes, when it hurts so much...I would rather not eat than feel like that. The guilt that I feel with this process is horrible. It was horrible yesterday because ned was there all day. I know I hear from people that I deserve this time to feel whatever it is I need to feel to get through it, but I feel like such an awful burden. I am a wet blanket. All I want is to hang out with people all the time, love to my fullest capability, and have my drive for everything back. Since these things aren't back yet, It is so frustrating for what I put people through. Nobody deserves it.

I know it's supposed to get better. I know I know. But I need for me to be me. Especially because it is my favorite time of the year right now. I am absolutely in love with Oct/Nov/Dec. Fall, leaves, pumpkins, cider. I do not want to miss any of it. I need to be present for it.

Ned makes me not present. If he is yelling I will be there physically but I am not mentally there. It's like I can't even comprehend what's going on around me or what people are saying because I am trying so hard fighting with ned.

I need to be present. Help me be present.

Thoughts from Today's Appointment

So, what's the deal with a lifestyle of anorexia? To me, anorexia is restriction of desire in the hope that the feeling of control/security/safety/stability will bring happiness and calm. A reassurance of sorts.


There is no true happiness in anorexia. There's a rush at the beginning of the disease, that feeling of power, of being above needing. That vanishes though and we're left chasing. Then we're stuck in an illness that perpetuates itself because the brain is malnourished. As Carrie said in a recent post, though the behaviors of anorexia are initially rewarding, they become punishing.
What was once so empowering has power over us.


I remember who I was before I developed anorexia. I could relish a day off, without wondering how to fill the hours most efficiently. I could eat anything I wanted. I knew what I wanted. I wasn't overly adventurous in getting it, but I wasn't restrictive by any means. Now, it's hard for me to know what I want because what I want is quickly shushed by rules and "shoulds." I can make guesses at what I want. I can do what Carrie suggests and ask, "What would a recovered person do?" That seems to be the only way -- experimentation, and tolerance of resulting anxiety.

Screaming Silence

That's what I felt like at the doctor today. I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody even looked my way.

Let me explain. The visit was typical, a typical hour and a half in the waiting room before I even get into the little examination room. Sue tells me to put the gown on to get weighed, same old. I get on the scale and yes I gained weight. Yes this is beyond all great, yes it scares the hell out of me, yes it makes me want to run forward and the other direction at the same time. As I stood there staring at the number on the scale, what do I hear? Nothing. I hear no 'you're up!'. No, 'great job!' Nothing. I only hear anything if it is down.

So I proceed to the tiny cold examination room, feeling discouraged. She does my blood pressure, pulse, etc. All is fine. She tells me to stay in my gown for Jacobson. This is strange. So I sit there, freezing in that gown for another 30 minutes. Jacobson comes in and looks at me confused and asks 'Why are you still in the gown?' I smile to myself and say Sue told me to (knowing full well that is one of Sue's many passive aggressive actions towards me). Jacobson begins talking and I interupt her and say 'Listen, I am freezing, would you mind if I put my clothes back on?' She says of course and doesn't move. Expecting me to change in front of her. I see this and sit for half a second and say 'Forget it then.' So I am now discouraged and now completely humiliated. I almost just started crying because of how that doctor's office has made me feel over the last few months. All I wanted to do was leave.

Jacobson then tells me the following (again, blows my mind). 'So I talked to Leslie and she told me that you two decided by November 1st you will be going to inpatient.' I literally laughed when she said this. I said...no that's not what we said. I am getting new insurance Nov. 1st (it does not cover inpatient) and I told Jacobson, I will not be going to inpatient. And she asks me why? I tell her there are about a thousand reasons. For one, I would lose my job. I would be there over the holidays (that's fun), I would be jeopardizing Travis and our house and our life, and um how about it's 20,000 a month? Oh yeah, that's a biggie. I told her, I will be up in weight by then so it's not an issue.

Ugh, just thinking how nobody in that god forsaken hospital believes in me, only makes me want to prove them wrong more and more. Fuck them. If pizza will make me gain weight then I'll eat pizza, fuck it. Gah! Now I'm all fired up. Assholes...

Anyway, this will lead to something better. A new doctor :) I am switching and looking forward to it. The only positive thing about the visit is I got my RX for Zoloft at 50 mg, drug me up Scottie!
:)

Tomorrow I go to the nutritionist, a task I hate doing because I still don't feel the point of going every week because we literally talk about the same thing each week. Goes something like this..
-Cindy "How's the meal plan?"
-Me " It's there, I eat some things off it, okay I guess?"
-Cindy " What can we add?"
-Me " I don't know, I'm still trying to do it" "I can't go to the bathroom."
-Cindy "Drink prune juice."
-Me "okay...." (not helpful)
-Cindy "Drink more ensure, 2 a day"
-Me "right."

Then I leave, usually pissed. Whatever. It's something I have to do so I will deal.

I also bought these Lean Cuisines and I want them so bad and they have been staring at me from the freezer. I don't know why I haven't been able to eat them yet. I can eat Digiorno pizza but not a Lean Cuisine? This is strange. That's my goal tomorrow. To eat one for dinner. Because I will be by myself and I want to do it. For me.

When I saw my lady today I was much more honest with her in the sense of how I'm really feeling. Usually I will say "I"m good, it's going okay, blah blah." But today, I just said " I feel like shit, I feel like someone is literally jumping up and down on my stomach this is on top off all the mental fucked up shit." I said I hate being moody, unfriendly, not social but sometimes it just hurts so much and I just need to lay really quiet. She said I have every right to. She said I have never really stood up for myself and that I am allowed to really feel out this process because it's going to suck. She said she promises that it will get better but that it will suck for a while. I believe her because christ she only worked with inpatients in California.

So yes. It sucks. It's hard. I hate it. Today I have been actively trying to ignore this uncomfortable feeling in my gut. This is my digestive. I have been reading studies on anorexics who begin 'refeeding' and the shit (ha) that their digestive goes through. The bloating, the pain, the cramps, and how it is the belly that latches onto food first and then with time disperses. My lady has prepared me that yes, I will have a belly through this. Which makes me want to literally kill somebody. It better fucking disperse. To my boobs ;)

She did have a positive thing to say though! She said listen, the first 5 pounds are the most painful, then after a little more you can start exercising again, to tone and build muscle. This felt really good to hear. It felt good to know that I will be at a point, hopefully soon, where I can exercise, because it just makes me feel so much better each day. That's a proven fact too. It improves happiness :) Your body thanks you.

So.
Yes.

I'm also sad I couldn't go with Travis to Southcenter tonight to go shopping with his mom. It was this time last year that I first met his mom. I was so nervous. I wore my high waisted skirt and vest and we hadn't been seeing each other too long and I was just so nervous. It was so fun, we went to lunch, shopped, and went to dinner in Seattle. So I was bummed I couldn't go. But he told me he found some good stuff and I am excited to see what he got when he gets home tonight.

All I want tonight is to build a nest with him, get our jammies on, and watch a movie and let him hold me.

This is something else this filthy disorder has done, that I am reclaiming (thanks to Zoloft and my kick ass mind skills). The act of being held has terrified me these few months. Because I hate the feeling of my stomach against anything. It's awful and has triggered awful thoughts so I have just...avoided really letting him hold me. Really letting him put his arms around me. He is my favorite and the only one I really want a hug from and I hate that this...thing...says I can't? So I want to cuddle/hug/be held. He has always been the best at that. Always. :)

Okay. It's almost 8 at work now. I just had a piece of taffy. Pretty good. I want the rest of the crust of the pumpkin cheesecake, but that's an asshole move. It's like eating the top of muffins and cupcakes, yeah I'm that person :) Or just the toppings off a pizza (guilty).

But hey! This is me breathing. This is me embracing my body (my upset, puffy, bloated, beautiful tummy), this is me embracing food. I am making a yogurt parfet when I get home tonight too god dammit. If it's the last thing I do.

Suck it.

A New View

I found a pretty good new blog to read about a woman with anorexia. She took an honest look at herself and what her disorder has taught her. I thought all of these were very prevalent to myself and they speak to me very much. It makes me feel better to know people feel like I do. And that I'm not completely crazy ;)

Ed has taught me a series of things to be ok, and not ok with, and you may or may not agree with it. Here it goes:
It is ok to gain a few pounds.
It is ok to lose a few pounds.
It is ok to feel anger, or fear, or resentment, or sadness, or remorse, or regret, or any other emotion we will all encounter at some point in life. What matters is that we deal with it in healthful and effective ways.
It is ok to relapse.
It is ok to cry.
It is ok to be weak at times.
It is most definitely ok to seek help. It is important that help is sought.

It is not ok to allow Ed to spiral out of control.
It is not ok when Ed starts controlling your life.
It is not ok to starve yourself.
It is not ok to go for two days without food.
It is not ok to commit a long, slow, suicide by entertaining Ed and not seek help.
It is not ok to put your loved ones through the torture of witnessing your suicide and not letting them help.

Okay....

Yesterday I went to my lady appointment and got what felt like a slap in the face. Which, yeah, I needed, but was not expecting. She had called my doctor on Monday and my nutritionist and my doctor wants me to go to inpatient now (right) and my nutritionist needs me to do better with my meal plan and my lady wants me to go to inpatient because she told me she doesn't think I can do this on my own. She called down to the center in California and told them my BMI and they said if I lost one more pound I wouldn't be admitted for liability reasons. She called the place in Wisconsin as well. She told them what insurance I have and it covers nothing. So she told me that when I get new insurance on Nov. 1st to see what that would cover.

Bottom line, I'm not going to inpatient. I would lose everything. So she said to prove her wrong. Show everyone that yes I can do this on my own. My lady made me write down things to promise. One of which is I have to call her everyday and tell her what I ate the day before. I have to see her twice a week now, Tuesdays and Thursdays at 1, go to the nutritionist every week. And still get weighed.

I got weighed today, 79. Bleh. I see my doctor Tuesday to up the Zoloft and get a flu shot. Also, after that appointment I will be switching to a different doctor in the practice, because I am fed up with mine.

I had a great talk with my mom about everything and feel okay. I feel better from the Zoloft and was proactive on getting food at home that I am comfortable eating and know will help me gain the weight in a normal way. Which is really good. It's 9:40 and I'm at work and pretty full. A little uncomfortable. But I think I really challenged myself today. I brought hummus to work, not mustard(no calories in mustard hardly), I brought a Luna bar not a kids cliff bar (kids cliff are 130 my Luna was 190), I brought vegetables too. I had yogurt, a small piece of banana bread, and a banana for breakfast. I brought yogurt to work too. When I get home I'm going to have some trail mix. I also bought granola today for my yogurt and I'm excited about that. I also got the ensures today, I'll have some when I get home. And my nutritionist said to add prune juice to my diet everyday, which will be great and I sorta wish I had some at work right now, but I'll have some also when I go to bed.

Last night Travis and I had a great talk and I really told him my fears about the 'process' of gaining the weight back. Because it is so physically uncomfortable, not only is it mentally beyond hard (hence the entire eating disorder) it is also physically painful when you start eating again because the body has not functioned on that level for so long. So I know that he understands that after I eat I will most likely feel not so great and he will be there to support me and hold my hand. I just want to get past these 5 pounds so that I can be at a better place, prove everyone wrong, and be better for him. He's my world and I have to do this for him. I love him more than anything and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I have the greatest support from my friends too. Erica is the strongest advocate for me and I am so excited to let her help me and be open to them all, even though they are scary I know they will literally save my life. I am just so thankful for these people.

Anyway. Off in about an hour. Thank god, ready to put comfy clothes on, curl in the nest, grab some nuts and my nut ;) and watch an XFile.

Muah

Recovery, I have been told, is a long process. Ups and downs. Trips 'on and off the wagon.' I have read lots of stories/blogs/books on different people's recovery, their perception of it, how they did it, what approach worked for them and such. I have read about extreme measures for recovery; i.e. hospitals/inpatient/feeding tubes. Moderate measures; i.e. weekly doctor appointments/therapists/nutritionists/group therapy. I have read about people doing it on their own with the help of friends/family, a large support group and learning to change habits. Learning to change the habits and behavior is difficult. It is so easy to fall into a cycle and not realize how long you have been in it until a few months and 15 pounds goes by.

I'm not sure where I fall. I see my lady, I whine about seeing the nutritionist, but I go, I get weighed every week (well I did miss 2 weeks due to my resent towards Sue and the practice), and I go for follow ups when my doctor says I need them. Apparently, I don't need them. Which is why I am switching doctors. After next week at least.

I mean....I started this process in May. Cinco de Mayo actually. So it's been almost 5 months. Christ, almost half a year...
I need to not get ahead of myself at this point. Because I think the Zoloft may be kicking in and I get a higher dose next week. The anxiety has been pretty manageable this week. Especially compared to last (jesus). The fact is I should have been put on Zoloft in May and not 3 weeks ago. Thanks again 'doctor team.'

But since that was not the case, I feel more like it's now that things may be coming together better so that I can mentally really allow myself to do this. Without the anxiety attacking with a knife it seemed like.

I also need to learn the beauty and skill of balance. Balance in my life. This will be applied to all aspects. First and foremost, food obviously. A balanced healthy relationship, more consistency (which I think to my credit I have done rather well since our grocery store trip this week, minus last night, but hey I'm not perfect). Balance in my crazy head too (Zoloft should help nicely too). I am practicing the art of 'not worrying about needless things.'

All in all I am just trying to take this one day at a time. I have spent too much of it planning ahead and thus worrying. So, new strategy.

Hrmph

So for whatever reason I have had 5 days off from work in a row. I only requested Friday off, but I got 5. It has been a really hard few days. I don't do well with days to myself. Wednesday I spent the whole day inside on the couch and Thursday wasn't much better. I went and got weighed on Friday and was down a little, which really truly surprised me. I like being at work. I like being around people. It's hard when I'm left for days in a row. It's harder for me to ask for help though. It's hard for me to see people when there are days like that.

I need to take the help my friends offer. I love them and sometimes I just feel paralyzed in one place.

Mid September Already

I can't believe that it is September 13th already. The leaves have already started turning and it's crisp out. Pumpkins are filling up grocery stores and browns, oranges, and reds are everywhere. These things make me feel relaxed. It's almost like everything slows down a little more in the fall.

It's 9:39 and I'm at work. Almost time to go home and I am looking forward to putting on Travis' warm giant fleece, washing my face, and crawling into the couch bed with him to most likely fall asleep after only being 20 minutes into an X-Files episode. That to me, is the perfect night. The perfect night/day/evening/outing always involves him.

Letting myself enjoy time, space, feelings, scenery has become difficult but a part of me can feel it coming back. I can feel parts of me coming back. Even though it has taken me a while. I am letting go in small ways and one day I will wake up and just 'be.'

To 'be' in the moment is something I desire each day. To be mindful. Really feel things around me.

Let go. Let go. Breathe.

I am so lucky to have the most amazing friends, boyfriend, family, life it just amazes me each day to be able to fall asleep with such love around me.

I had part of a quesadilla today, a bite of chocolate cake, part of a cupcake, and some cheese. This is on top of my normal food. So yes. This was good. I have a tummy ache right now and want to go to sleep but that's still good right?

Workity Work

At work, it's 9, 2 hours left. I am anxiously waiting for Tuesday, when I go to see my doctor to get an anxiety medication. I didn't think I needed one for the longest time, however, the last couple weeks, with my body now in the process of physically changing (for the better, even though half of me is losing it), my anxiety has spiked in a way I cannot describe.

I feel always on edge. The worst part is, I told my lady, is that I am so so so happy with everything that I feel I haven't let myself enjoy it yet! I can relax when I have had a drink, but obviously I cannot drink 24 hours a day. I am so excited to have something to just let me be in the present and sit here, look around, and say "whew" I am here, and this is kick ass, because it is.

Travis, our amazing home, that I still run around in too much, my kick ass job, the new people I have been meeting. So needless to say, is it Tuesday yet? My lady said it will most likely be either Busepar or Zoloft, whatever, I don't care, I just need this edge off.

As far as body changes goes....indifferent? Trying so so hard to love my skin, body, my physical being. Better than it was? I think so. Slow, but better. I was down in weight this week, anxiety? Most likely. Anxiety from what? Ah yes, that's the question, what?

My lady said if she could describe me in one word it would be "Intrusive." She said because the relationship with Matt was painful and intrusive,, I have never really been on my own there has been some force directing, guiding, planning for my life. Interesting. The intrusiveness over the years leads to anxiety reaching a level that just seems so normal and has nowhere to go. So hopefully, the edge will be taken off while I can property disperse my anxiety elsewhere :)

Anywho. That's aboot it for now. X-files tonight, weeeee

Whyyyy

This is my "Why" list which also is my "To work on" list.


Why can't I see what other people see
Why can't I see my body the way other people see it
Why do I see this body that is not mine in the mirror
Why can't I see my face and appreciate beauty
Why can't I accept, embrace, and love my flaws
Why can't I let go

Here's the catch, I used to be able to do all that. I used to look down and say "damn, I love me." Looking down now is terrifying, it's filled of hate and torture. If I really really really try I can do it, I have to try harder.

Another catch, I do love me. I love my personality and I know I am capable of taking care of me.

:)

Sunset Flowers

Sunset roses are sitting on the counter at the Bellwether right now. They are making me weepy? We have a beautiful arrangement of sunset colored flowers at home too, this morning it was great to see them. It was more great to look at Travis sleeping. I was snuggling too aggressively though because he felt sick :( My poor babe.

As I stand here looking outside my mind wanders but at a slow rate. Which is nice. So much of the time my mind is flying. It's nice to just be in the present, which I hardly ever am. It's important to look around, really pay attention to details that are around you. Appreciate the beauty that is everywhere. Christ, now I'm getting weepy, I can't be weepy at the front desk :) So gay.

We had our house warming party last night, it went off beautifully. We had a blast, a ton of people came, great food, phenomenal strawberry bellinis, and more importantly great friends. It was so good to catch up with Jaime. It felt good to realize all those people were there because they love us and support us, we are so lucky. I am so lucky to have great people around me, I cannot keep letting this disease pull me from them.

Hrmph

So much for this being a daily blog. I have been meaning to write again. So here goes.

This process is hard. I mean hard. I am trying so hard, but it is so scary to 'lose control' and that's what it feels like each day. This massive loss of control, which will you know lead to failure, everything awful that could possibly happen to one person, followed by the loss of everyone who loves you. This is not rational.

Pause.

I would like to state that Me, real Me, is a very painfully rational practical person. I always have been. Shu-Jeng can vouch for that. But this thing, makes me the most irrational person I could imagine.

It tells me that the cheese I ate. The pieces of garlic bread I ate. The crackers. The hummus. Will undeniably lead to certain massive A. weight gain B. Ugliness C. Sadness D. Loss of everything good E. (yes E.) The inability to then be able to do anything worthwhile in my lifetime.

Do you see this? This is crazy. This is mania. This is not me. This is not me.

Everyday is harder because I can see changes in my body. I feel them. My clothes feel them. This is the scariest part. I loathe my closet, (pants, jeans, shorts, skirts) stare at me saying 'do not even try these on, because they will fit different, which means you are gaining weight, which means you are losing the only thing important about you.' This is scary. I hate pants. I hate mine. I want to buy jeans that fit, but I know I cannot let myself do that, because I should not buy any pants until I weight much more. So what do I wear until then? lol. That part confuses me.

I woke up this morning at 7 and just lost it, started crying my eyes out and could not breathe, Travis held me until I fell back asleep. There are no words for how lucky I am to have him.

Here is this man, who loves me, unconditionally, only wants me to get better, wants me to gain weight, to get my body back, to help me let me love myself again, who supports me in any way I need, who is beyond selfless in this process, who works so hard for both of us, who loves me for the times when I cannot do it myself. Who would cook me amazing meals in a second if I were to ever ask. Who is my rock. My complete strength. Who tells me I am sexy every day and that I am just getting sexier. This man, who is so incredibly sexy, so smart, witty, intelligent, compassionate, motivated, and did I say sexy? I have got to get through this and when I do, my life, all I want is to make his life easier, to love him the best I can every single day, to support him in anything he wants to do, to ease him when he is stressed, to be his rock. To be selfless for him. We built this little home of ours and I want it to be the real me living in it with him. I have never been so in love. I have never been so lucky.

Thank you Travis. Thank you nut. Thank you seet seet fly. Thank you. For everything you have done, are doing, and have yet to do.

I feel like I haven't gotten any sleep. I'm so tired every morning. My body is so sore. When I'm not at work I just want to not move. I know that this is probably from moving and then not being used to standing in one place for 40 hours a week. I am so grateful for it, but I am so drained right now. I don't want to make plans every single day before work to meet with people, I feel obligated, which makes me incredibly anxious, I hate planning, that's what I'm trying to move away from. The control of planning, blah blah. Learning to let go is hard when people won't shut the fuck up.

I feel like I can't breathe from money. I think it's next Friday when my first paycheck comes in. Not being paid for 3 weeks is hard though. I have 1. 45 in my checking account. My entire Paper Dreams paycheck, which I get today, is going to the condo rent, which I am positive it's not enough. Which means, I have to lower myself to asking for money. I hate myself. I hate money. I hate the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel pathetic and worthless because I can't do it on my own. Which makes me just want to not eat in any way whatsoever.

I hate that I don't have energy. I want to have energy to enjoy our new great home. I love it so much, but I hate that I have been so exhausted to not really enjoy it yet. The days off will be nice. But I am so stressed on how I'm going to pay for any of it. I hope so much that I get money from my relatives in CA, that will go to the gas.

I go get weighed today. I have no clue where I am honestly at. If I am below 80 I'm going to be looked at like an idiot from Sue. I hate her judgement. I hate her.

The only person that keeps me balanced is Travis. I want to be better for him. I want to have energy to play with him. He's so good to me and patient. I'm not even patient for me. He works so hard, I can't believe it.

I need to learn to breathe.