Vocab

Regret, guilt, shame.
Acceptance, forgiveness, compassion.
The first three are the words I hear most often after eating. The other three are my replacement words. Last night I felt this, which is common, but as I was thinking I was trying to look at it from another perspective. I have always lived by rules and 'bad foods'. 'Bad foods' include things like pizza, pasta, breads, basically carbs. So, whenever I eat these things I feel incredibly guilty and full of shame. Even if that's the only thing I ate all day, these words are so attached to these 'bad foods.' So I am trying to not see foods as 'bad.' I'm trying to not isolate these foods into a bad group and just see them as another option. A yummy option for sure. Scary but yummy.

I am also trying to mourn my old body. It wasn't much of a body but I need to start letting it go. I understand that I am not going back to the 'old me' because the 'old me' can't exist again due to what I have put myself through. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I have always wished to wake up one day and just see me, just be me, see the day as a day. Instead for so long I wake up and worry, check my hip bones, decide whether I am going to eat or not, or what to eat, and these rules kick in etc etc. So obviously this me now is stronger than ever before and will continue to become stronger and wiser. I probably won't notice for a long time but I am realizing it in small bits now.