Phase 2?

I feel like I'm there. My 'phase 2.' It took me basically 5 months to get to 'phase 1,' which was gaining a certain amount of weight and keeping it. Then I was the same for a few weeks, stable, whatnot. Now, I have gained more weight, my 'phase 2.' Thoughts? It fucking blows ass. Yes, it sucks. It hurts, I am getting bloated a lot again, like I did in the bad part of 'phase 1' and I know I know that it will level out and be stable for a while, but right now, in these critical days/weeks whatever, it's just really fucking hard. So I ran across another great recovery blog and one girl wrote in with this question (which is prevalent to me right now )

“How do you react when you feel hate for yourself and your body? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed, instead of hurting yourself or restricting?”

Obviously I don't hurt myself but the restricting absolutely applies to me. Plus, right now with my body changing I am having a lot of awful thoughts.

"Blog girl" answers as follows...

"As a woman who loves her body now (or at least likes it most of the time!), trust me when I say that you can in fact learn to stop hating yourself AND your body. This is one of the main things people struggling with eating disorders (especially those who are women) think is impossible. What I hear a lot is, “It may be possible...but not for me.” Let me tell you, ladies (and men), cut that way of thinking right out of your brain. Carve it out of there and throw it away. It IS possible for you...if you LET it be possible. And if you realize that you may have to garner an extreme amount of patience in order to wait for this sort of self-hate to dissipate."

She goes on to say the following...

The first thing you need to ask yourself is: What are the circumstances surrounding my feelings of hate for myself and/or my body?

So I will answer these myself! This is to say when I am feeling these thoughts...

-Did you just discover you’d been rejected in some way by a person, a program, etc? Doubtful, Travis is my biggest support and everyone in my life is really helpful.

-Were you unsuccessful in an endeavor you had hoped to master/finish/etc? This doesn't make me hate my body, mainly because I am hardly bad at anything, I'm pretty capable.

-Did you just eat (whether it was too much or too little)? This is what it usually comes from, and it's normally when I eat a lot (for me).

-Did you just weigh yourself and not like the number? Alas, I stopped looking, which has helped a ton. I wasn't going to do this in the beginning but the number did begin to scare me.

-Did you just attempt for a long time to choose clothing to wear and were still unsatisfied with the choice you made? Yes Yes Yes. This comes from all my clothes being too small, which is why I took more to sell today. Saturday I am going shopping for clothes that fit.

-Did you just endure a hurtful/stressful/uncomfortable time with your family or friends? Not now. In the past (Jan) then yes with money and my parents. But these days I really truly enjoy all the time with my parents.

So what helps me get past these thoughts? Awareness. When do I feel the worst? What triggers these thoughts? What am I doing at the time? Where am I?

Triggers? Anxiety 20000%, clothes, the mood I'm in, confidence, fuck I could make a huge list. But at least I can practice being more mindful and present.

When I say to myself, 'I'm frumpy and fat, no clothes fit me, I look awful blah blah then try my hardest to take a hard look at ME and try to see all of me and not just one part and to still love that part.

Okay, BREAK!