Post Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving marked my third year of my disorder. The first Thanksgiving was only a week after I came to terms with my problem and sickness. I was in massive denial and did not really understand it all. That Thanksgiving I was afraid of food. That was the first time I was ever afraid of food at Thanksgiving. I remember eating a handful of spiced cashews, I had a lot of really great salad, some chicken, and even some potatoes. I also remember it was my first time eating pecan pie, which I was okay about eating. I remember being really full and sad but was still able to go out to see a movie. Granted this was the beginning and I slipped deeper into the disease as time went on.

The second year was with Travis. It was my first time meeting his extended family. We went to his uncle's and his dad's. I was incredibly nervous. Very nervous for the food. So much so that I didn't eat dinner at his uncles because I thought we were eating at his dad's, which we didn't end up doing. But I think it was more so of an excuse not to eat. I remember grabbing a plate and putting some veggies and fruit on it. I picked at the food, while everyone else ate, but my excuse was 'We are eating at his dad's later, I don't want to spoil my appetite." I remember by the time we left I was hungry. We get to his dad's and the food was put away and dessert was out. I remember being incredibly relieved and yet sad because I had actually missed Thanksgiving dinner. I remember eating 2 of the nut clusters I made, which were delicious. And being really hungry by the time we left. Granted we drove to our amazing suite at our amazing hotel, had an incredibly romantic night then pulled out the phone book to look up food to order, because dammit I had missed dinner! And Travis is so amazing that he will eat with me, whenever, wherever, regardless if he had eaten previously. I remember wanting to order pizza/chinese/thai/ basically all my scary foods. We decided to head out because no where was open, granted it was Thanksgiving. We went to Jack in the Box, which was awesome. I had a southwestern salad, which was tasty and went to bed happy, in love, still with a disorder.

This year we went to his dad's for dinner. This was clear, we were eating dinner. I was terrified, anxious, but also excited to see his family, to socialize, to be around people who knew me and loved me. I was also a little excited for his dad's side of the family to see me because they hadn't since camping, and that was when I was about 80 lbs and I know I am more now and wanted to show them that they don't have to be afraid for me, because I am making progress, mainly because of their amazing son. There was a lot of food out, cheese plates, olives, veggies, salami. I know I could have just eaten and eaten and eaten until I made myself sick. But instead I stuck to olives, pickles, some veggies and focused on socializing more and not being so focused on the food. It worked well and I had a great time talking to people and when it came time to grab plates for dinner I felt okay about it. Granted I didn't eat mashed potatoes or the rolls or the casseroles that were out. I did though fill my plate up with corn, mushrooms, turkey, fruit salads, a couple pieces of cheese and even some salami. I ate it all and felt okay, not too full, not hungry still. I kept talking and socializing which is important. I had a great time and then we headed to his uncles for dessert. I have never been too keen on pumpkin pie so that didn't make me nervous. They did have a berry pie, which I had half a piece of, pretty yummy too. However, I did see the bowl of cashews, which I adore. I snacked on those as well. Then when we got to his mom's I even, god forbid, Had 15 pieces of bowtie pasta!! Yes and 5 candy cane kisses :) All in all, I think I made some progress through the night. I had such a great time. I felt like part of their family. It was wonderful.

THEN, to even stick it more to my eating disorder, I had lunch the next day!! Normally I eat throughout the day, small things, starting around 2. I haven't been to 'lunch' since Billy McHales in September maybe? Maybe that was even August. But I went and it was a buffet! Again, I could have let myself be consumed by the fear of food and eaten until I got sick, but I ate a good amount, I ate until I was full and could still smile after. Not too shabby. THENNNN I even let him take me to dinner that night. Granted, he wanted Thai. Which I LOVE, but I was still a little nervous about A. Thanksgiving the day before B. Lunch C. The weight I have gained lately. SO I chose Boundary. A safe place. But also a fucking great place. I SHARED the pretzel even! Holy shit I've never had one. AND I ate all my salad. THENNN We even got movie snacks, which I always eat all of.

SO there anorexia. Suck it. And I might even go out tonight! WHich means I MIGHT even eat hot food. SO fuck you.

Also, know what I've noticed? I don't feel light headed and can function throughout a whole day with a lot of energy. Weird right?

I'll leave you with this thought from no one other than Mr. Buddah.

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

My third Thanksgiving of anxiety. My third Thanksgiving of being afraid of the dinner. This was also a Thanksgiving of steps forward. I ate more food than last year for example. I didn't hate myself for it. I had Travis there smiling at every bite I took. I had support. I had people around me who love me. I had a pretty great Thanksgiving.