Clothes, Breathing, Food, Love

Hrm. I went to my lady yesterday and she said I gained weight. This is me excited....okay okay, part of me knows it's good and yes I do feel better, meaning I have more energy, I feel more like me for sure and the other part is terrified. UGH. I have no idea what I weigh, thank god, but I notice in the way everything fits me. I notice looking down (the worst thing ever), just these little things that I feel are so frustrating.

I mean, I look at my closet and probably 80% of my stuff stares back at me saying "You can't wear me anymore, you'll look too fat blah blah" then I'm left with a rut of the same 'safe' clothing, which I am quickly running out of. A couple weeks ago I got rid of most of my tank tops, which was good. Now, I'm thinking I should get rid of more. I don't even know what to do with my jeans? I should, take them to Buffalo and start over. Buy a pair of jeans that really fit me and that I feel good in. I want so much to have tight, dark, hot jeans again and I am SOOOO afraid of that as well. RRRRRR. What do I do with my Diesels? I have to keep them because I paid $235 for them and god dammit that's a ton of money. When I got them they fit like a glove, I mean perfectly. So yes I will keep those. However, my AF jeans and even my skinny jeans I think need to go just so I can get a replacement that doesn't have memories attached to them. That's what it is, it's the memories attached to each one of those pieces of clothes.

This is turning out to be an expensive problem, hopefully I'll get an okay amount with the ones I sell.

I just would kill for a tight fitting pair of jeans that I feel good in to wear my boots with and a coat for winter. Fuck I'm crazy.

Last night I went to Poppe's with my mom, had a great time, a really really great talk then Travis got me and we went to dinner. He said he wanted either thai, italian, or mexican. Alas, my 3 most terrifying foods, let's toss in pizza and nachos too while we're at it. BUT, probably because I was a bit drunk, I said okay, you pick and I will make myself go. So, we went to....D'Anna's. I haven't been there in years and I didn't know that they had a caesar salad, so I went thinking pasta, so so scary. But alas! They had a GREAT chicken caesar salad, which I enjoyed so so much. ALSO, we had the tapanad with bread, AND I ate my pizza bread :) It was an amazing great dinner. Then!! We went and got movie snacks!! Gah! This was me getting movie snacks, a lot of them. Then at home we finished a bottle of champagne, ate movie snacks, then I did something I never would have done. I made my lean cuisine pannini in the oven WITH 4 falaffel balls! What was I thinking?! Let me just say, that panini was fucking amazing, I wasn't expecting it to be, but it was and those falaffels were so so good. But god damn, that was A LOT of food in one day for me, a lot. Unfortunetly I am definitely feeling it today, all day, which has sucked. But my lady and nutritionist said I have a right to feel the discomfort and work through it, which means that yes I have to recognize it, realize it will happen and just deal with it in whatever way. Well, today has SUCKED. I am so bloated, full, uncomfortable, and cramped up. But what's different than a few months ago? I don't regret last night. I had an amazing, wonderful, fun time with Travis, one of my favorite nights ever. So if I have to go through a day of cramps and bloating then fine. I ate food. I am strong enough to battle through the bad days, because they will happen and I have to be able to handle it.

So there. 2 rants.

My goals this week? Recognize myself as a whole. See me as me and that I can be beautiful without being 78 pounds. This is what I will be telling myself all week.

So for question time!!!

Feeling...
-Bloated and cramped
-Happy
-Guilty
-A little scared

Wanting...
-To be home to see Travis' beautiful face
-To watch Top Chef
-To be better
-To buy clothes

Because...
-He's amazing and I had so much fun last night
- I missed it last week AND it's on tonight toooo
-I am so fucking sick of hating my body
-I have none left and want new ones that don't remind me of bad things

Procrastinating on...
-Getting stuff for the baby shower
-Getting a handle on clothes and jeans

Looking forward to...
-The baby shower and shopping Saturday
-Next Monday, as always
-Not being cramped as hell!

Daily Gratitude...
-Realizing my sexuality is coming back :) That's hard for me
-My amazing, hot, sexy, perfect boyfriend who supports me when I can't support myself
-My amazing loving parents, who are truly my heros

So, this is where I will leave you for now. Off to browse clothes online, plan baby shower stuff, and talk to myself about being okay.