Twirling

I have so many thoughts right now. So many things I want to write down, I don't know where to begin. Which means this post will probably be incredibly scattered, but aren't they all?

What's recovery? How will I know when I'm all of me again? Can't someone just tell me when I'm there? I know that this will be something that I struggle with for a long time, if not forever in the back of my head. Which doesn't mean I can't be all of me, I just know that I won't ever forget about this time. Recently my anxiety has spiked. Yes I know it is because of my recent weight gain, which I realized today, I wish my lady hadn't told me that last Tuesday. I feel like it's really had an impact on my week. My anxiety, though it's been higher, hasn't consumed me like it used to. I am able to relax better on my own. But this week I did have like 3 breakdowns, thankfully Travis was there to calm me down, he's the most incredible boyfriend. What triggered my breakdowns? Well, I had one on Monday (which I had NO memory of at all, which is odd). Travis said I was upset that people weren't realizing my progress, mainly the doctors, but I didn't feel bad about food that night, I had some of my apple pie bread, snacked throughout D&D and then had veggies at the Ranch Room, which is safe for me and I really do enjoy.

Tuesday I am 100% sure it was from food, not that we went to dinner (which was great) or the fact that we got movie snacks (bc that's pretty safe for me and I love to do it) it was because I made a Lean Cuisine panini and 4 falafel balls. I felt so painfully guilty that it was overwhelming. Thoughts of "You already had dinner and snacks, why are you eating again" etc. Just, awful.

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were great days, average at work, ate normal things, nothing upsetting and I felt pretty okay in my body. Saturday I got myself all worked up and could hardly breathe before going to bed. I didn't remember until this morning, well I had to ask Travis, if we had ordered nachos at the Ranch Room. We had and I had also ordered pizza and breadsticks that got there when we got home. I had 3 pieces of pizza (I think) and yes it was so so good, but I just lost it. It's been a rough day, for one because I am so full and uncomfortable from all the food last night and I have felt tremendously guilty. I have also been actively trying to put it into perspective. I split nachos with 3 people, that's not awful. I had 3 pieces of pizza, normal people do that all the time. I am trying to be okay right now. Ugh.

I would just like to add in again, how lucky I am that Travis is so patient, understanding, and knows me more than I know myself half the time.

Today? I am tired, from a long night. I have been so bloated all day. I am looking forward to taking my tummy pills, because I really need to and it will help me feel a little better, curling in my jammies at home, and getting a good normal night of sleep. No panicing, no hyperventalating, no tears. Just curling in bed, having Travis tuck me in and kiss me goodnight and falling asleep smiling because of him.

Oh, by the way. I bought jeans! Yeah. 2 pairs yesterday. At American Eagle I grabbed 8 pairs and 2 actually worked. I like that they sit low on me, not on my tummy, I like because they fit my legs and they fit my butt (funny that I almost typed 'fat ass', fuck that). I wore them last night, I felt pretty okay in them, incredibly nervous most the night, but made a good effort to really wear them in and make them mine. That's my goal for them, to make them mine and really wear them in.

My goal for tomorrow? Balance. There are lots of things I want to do tomorrow, including
-Go to the bathroom!!! Ugh, lol, awful.
-Paint my toes!
-Do laundry!!!
-Throw away old makeup that's taking up room!
-Put all my new spa stuff in the bathroom!! Fun spa basket!
-Put on jeans and wear them all day
-Go to the mall with Travis and see all the Christmas decorations!
-Roll around on the floor, a lot, maybe in the snuggie
-Kiss a lot
-Put lots of candles out for D&D
-Go to Eagles and get dice!

I am looking forward to D&D very much too.

Balance tomorrow. I want to actively try to not notice my hard areas. Breathing, balance, loving.

P.S. I found a great new fashion blog called Cupcakes and Cashmere, and I love it because the girl's fashion is just like mine, PLUS, she's a normal size! I just really admire women who are normal and have curves. That's also on my 'to work on' focusing on the woman's body. Understanding that I should not have a body of a girl but a woman. I want boobs, I want shape, and I want to love them all. I want my bras to fit again.

Edit---
I am reading this blog right now, called Bearing, Eating, Being. I've been reading it a while. A girl who is still in recovery, but went through a good year of 'refeeding' gaining weight. Anyway, she has these Practical Matters posts that are really helpful, especially where I am right now. Here's a piece from one called "Dealing with your body changing", It's nice because she went through what I'm in right now. She's on the other side, it's nice to know there's another side.

"During refeeding, touching my body in the shower set off a barrage of bad thoughts since it reminded me of how it was changing, so I used a loofah. I removed the full length mirror from my room for a while and kept only my shoulders-up mirror for makeup application. I lived in sweatpants and yoga pants and tried really hard not to notice as they got tighter. During refeeding, recognize that you have the rest of your life to work on loving your body. Don’t make yourself crazy by trying to “accept” something that will look different in a few weeks, and try to ignore the changes to your body as much as possible. You have enough to worry about. "

This is really good to read. Anyway, I'm done for now.