I feel like I haven't gotten any sleep. I'm so tired every morning. My body is so sore. When I'm not at work I just want to not move. I know that this is probably from moving and then not being used to standing in one place for 40 hours a week. I am so grateful for it, but I am so drained right now. I don't want to make plans every single day before work to meet with people, I feel obligated, which makes me incredibly anxious, I hate planning, that's what I'm trying to move away from. The control of planning, blah blah. Learning to let go is hard when people won't shut the fuck up.

I feel like I can't breathe from money. I think it's next Friday when my first paycheck comes in. Not being paid for 3 weeks is hard though. I have 1. 45 in my checking account. My entire Paper Dreams paycheck, which I get today, is going to the condo rent, which I am positive it's not enough. Which means, I have to lower myself to asking for money. I hate myself. I hate money. I hate the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel pathetic and worthless because I can't do it on my own. Which makes me just want to not eat in any way whatsoever.

I hate that I don't have energy. I want to have energy to enjoy our new great home. I love it so much, but I hate that I have been so exhausted to not really enjoy it yet. The days off will be nice. But I am so stressed on how I'm going to pay for any of it. I hope so much that I get money from my relatives in CA, that will go to the gas.

I go get weighed today. I have no clue where I am honestly at. If I am below 80 I'm going to be looked at like an idiot from Sue. I hate her judgement. I hate her.

The only person that keeps me balanced is Travis. I want to be better for him. I want to have energy to play with him. He's so good to me and patient. I'm not even patient for me. He works so hard, I can't believe it.

I need to learn to breathe.