Hrmph

So much for this being a daily blog. I have been meaning to write again. So here goes.

This process is hard. I mean hard. I am trying so hard, but it is so scary to 'lose control' and that's what it feels like each day. This massive loss of control, which will you know lead to failure, everything awful that could possibly happen to one person, followed by the loss of everyone who loves you. This is not rational.

Pause.

I would like to state that Me, real Me, is a very painfully rational practical person. I always have been. Shu-Jeng can vouch for that. But this thing, makes me the most irrational person I could imagine.

It tells me that the cheese I ate. The pieces of garlic bread I ate. The crackers. The hummus. Will undeniably lead to certain massive A. weight gain B. Ugliness C. Sadness D. Loss of everything good E. (yes E.) The inability to then be able to do anything worthwhile in my lifetime.

Do you see this? This is crazy. This is mania. This is not me. This is not me.

Everyday is harder because I can see changes in my body. I feel them. My clothes feel them. This is the scariest part. I loathe my closet, (pants, jeans, shorts, skirts) stare at me saying 'do not even try these on, because they will fit different, which means you are gaining weight, which means you are losing the only thing important about you.' This is scary. I hate pants. I hate mine. I want to buy jeans that fit, but I know I cannot let myself do that, because I should not buy any pants until I weight much more. So what do I wear until then? lol. That part confuses me.

I woke up this morning at 7 and just lost it, started crying my eyes out and could not breathe, Travis held me until I fell back asleep. There are no words for how lucky I am to have him.

Here is this man, who loves me, unconditionally, only wants me to get better, wants me to gain weight, to get my body back, to help me let me love myself again, who supports me in any way I need, who is beyond selfless in this process, who works so hard for both of us, who loves me for the times when I cannot do it myself. Who would cook me amazing meals in a second if I were to ever ask. Who is my rock. My complete strength. Who tells me I am sexy every day and that I am just getting sexier. This man, who is so incredibly sexy, so smart, witty, intelligent, compassionate, motivated, and did I say sexy? I have got to get through this and when I do, my life, all I want is to make his life easier, to love him the best I can every single day, to support him in anything he wants to do, to ease him when he is stressed, to be his rock. To be selfless for him. We built this little home of ours and I want it to be the real me living in it with him. I have never been so in love. I have never been so lucky.

Thank you Travis. Thank you nut. Thank you seet seet fly. Thank you. For everything you have done, are doing, and have yet to do.