Screaming Silence

That's what I felt like at the doctor today. I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody even looked my way.

Let me explain. The visit was typical, a typical hour and a half in the waiting room before I even get into the little examination room. Sue tells me to put the gown on to get weighed, same old. I get on the scale and yes I gained weight. Yes this is beyond all great, yes it scares the hell out of me, yes it makes me want to run forward and the other direction at the same time. As I stood there staring at the number on the scale, what do I hear? Nothing. I hear no 'you're up!'. No, 'great job!' Nothing. I only hear anything if it is down.

So I proceed to the tiny cold examination room, feeling discouraged. She does my blood pressure, pulse, etc. All is fine. She tells me to stay in my gown for Jacobson. This is strange. So I sit there, freezing in that gown for another 30 minutes. Jacobson comes in and looks at me confused and asks 'Why are you still in the gown?' I smile to myself and say Sue told me to (knowing full well that is one of Sue's many passive aggressive actions towards me). Jacobson begins talking and I interupt her and say 'Listen, I am freezing, would you mind if I put my clothes back on?' She says of course and doesn't move. Expecting me to change in front of her. I see this and sit for half a second and say 'Forget it then.' So I am now discouraged and now completely humiliated. I almost just started crying because of how that doctor's office has made me feel over the last few months. All I wanted to do was leave.

Jacobson then tells me the following (again, blows my mind). 'So I talked to Leslie and she told me that you two decided by November 1st you will be going to inpatient.' I literally laughed when she said this. I said...no that's not what we said. I am getting new insurance Nov. 1st (it does not cover inpatient) and I told Jacobson, I will not be going to inpatient. And she asks me why? I tell her there are about a thousand reasons. For one, I would lose my job. I would be there over the holidays (that's fun), I would be jeopardizing Travis and our house and our life, and um how about it's 20,000 a month? Oh yeah, that's a biggie. I told her, I will be up in weight by then so it's not an issue.

Ugh, just thinking how nobody in that god forsaken hospital believes in me, only makes me want to prove them wrong more and more. Fuck them. If pizza will make me gain weight then I'll eat pizza, fuck it. Gah! Now I'm all fired up. Assholes...

Anyway, this will lead to something better. A new doctor :) I am switching and looking forward to it. The only positive thing about the visit is I got my RX for Zoloft at 50 mg, drug me up Scottie!
:)

Tomorrow I go to the nutritionist, a task I hate doing because I still don't feel the point of going every week because we literally talk about the same thing each week. Goes something like this..
-Cindy "How's the meal plan?"
-Me " It's there, I eat some things off it, okay I guess?"
-Cindy " What can we add?"
-Me " I don't know, I'm still trying to do it" "I can't go to the bathroom."
-Cindy "Drink prune juice."
-Me "okay...." (not helpful)
-Cindy "Drink more ensure, 2 a day"
-Me "right."

Then I leave, usually pissed. Whatever. It's something I have to do so I will deal.

I also bought these Lean Cuisines and I want them so bad and they have been staring at me from the freezer. I don't know why I haven't been able to eat them yet. I can eat Digiorno pizza but not a Lean Cuisine? This is strange. That's my goal tomorrow. To eat one for dinner. Because I will be by myself and I want to do it. For me.

When I saw my lady today I was much more honest with her in the sense of how I'm really feeling. Usually I will say "I"m good, it's going okay, blah blah." But today, I just said " I feel like shit, I feel like someone is literally jumping up and down on my stomach this is on top off all the mental fucked up shit." I said I hate being moody, unfriendly, not social but sometimes it just hurts so much and I just need to lay really quiet. She said I have every right to. She said I have never really stood up for myself and that I am allowed to really feel out this process because it's going to suck. She said she promises that it will get better but that it will suck for a while. I believe her because christ she only worked with inpatients in California.

So yes. It sucks. It's hard. I hate it. Today I have been actively trying to ignore this uncomfortable feeling in my gut. This is my digestive. I have been reading studies on anorexics who begin 'refeeding' and the shit (ha) that their digestive goes through. The bloating, the pain, the cramps, and how it is the belly that latches onto food first and then with time disperses. My lady has prepared me that yes, I will have a belly through this. Which makes me want to literally kill somebody. It better fucking disperse. To my boobs ;)

She did have a positive thing to say though! She said listen, the first 5 pounds are the most painful, then after a little more you can start exercising again, to tone and build muscle. This felt really good to hear. It felt good to know that I will be at a point, hopefully soon, where I can exercise, because it just makes me feel so much better each day. That's a proven fact too. It improves happiness :) Your body thanks you.

So.
Yes.

I'm also sad I couldn't go with Travis to Southcenter tonight to go shopping with his mom. It was this time last year that I first met his mom. I was so nervous. I wore my high waisted skirt and vest and we hadn't been seeing each other too long and I was just so nervous. It was so fun, we went to lunch, shopped, and went to dinner in Seattle. So I was bummed I couldn't go. But he told me he found some good stuff and I am excited to see what he got when he gets home tonight.

All I want tonight is to build a nest with him, get our jammies on, and watch a movie and let him hold me.

This is something else this filthy disorder has done, that I am reclaiming (thanks to Zoloft and my kick ass mind skills). The act of being held has terrified me these few months. Because I hate the feeling of my stomach against anything. It's awful and has triggered awful thoughts so I have just...avoided really letting him hold me. Really letting him put his arms around me. He is my favorite and the only one I really want a hug from and I hate that this...thing...says I can't? So I want to cuddle/hug/be held. He has always been the best at that. Always. :)

Okay. It's almost 8 at work now. I just had a piece of taffy. Pretty good. I want the rest of the crust of the pumpkin cheesecake, but that's an asshole move. It's like eating the top of muffins and cupcakes, yeah I'm that person :) Or just the toppings off a pizza (guilty).

But hey! This is me breathing. This is me embracing my body (my upset, puffy, bloated, beautiful tummy), this is me embracing food. I am making a yogurt parfet when I get home tonight too god dammit. If it's the last thing I do.

Suck it.