Okay....

Yesterday I went to my lady appointment and got what felt like a slap in the face. Which, yeah, I needed, but was not expecting. She had called my doctor on Monday and my nutritionist and my doctor wants me to go to inpatient now (right) and my nutritionist needs me to do better with my meal plan and my lady wants me to go to inpatient because she told me she doesn't think I can do this on my own. She called down to the center in California and told them my BMI and they said if I lost one more pound I wouldn't be admitted for liability reasons. She called the place in Wisconsin as well. She told them what insurance I have and it covers nothing. So she told me that when I get new insurance on Nov. 1st to see what that would cover.

Bottom line, I'm not going to inpatient. I would lose everything. So she said to prove her wrong. Show everyone that yes I can do this on my own. My lady made me write down things to promise. One of which is I have to call her everyday and tell her what I ate the day before. I have to see her twice a week now, Tuesdays and Thursdays at 1, go to the nutritionist every week. And still get weighed.

I got weighed today, 79. Bleh. I see my doctor Tuesday to up the Zoloft and get a flu shot. Also, after that appointment I will be switching to a different doctor in the practice, because I am fed up with mine.

I had a great talk with my mom about everything and feel okay. I feel better from the Zoloft and was proactive on getting food at home that I am comfortable eating and know will help me gain the weight in a normal way. Which is really good. It's 9:40 and I'm at work and pretty full. A little uncomfortable. But I think I really challenged myself today. I brought hummus to work, not mustard(no calories in mustard hardly), I brought a Luna bar not a kids cliff bar (kids cliff are 130 my Luna was 190), I brought vegetables too. I had yogurt, a small piece of banana bread, and a banana for breakfast. I brought yogurt to work too. When I get home I'm going to have some trail mix. I also bought granola today for my yogurt and I'm excited about that. I also got the ensures today, I'll have some when I get home. And my nutritionist said to add prune juice to my diet everyday, which will be great and I sorta wish I had some at work right now, but I'll have some also when I go to bed.

Last night Travis and I had a great talk and I really told him my fears about the 'process' of gaining the weight back. Because it is so physically uncomfortable, not only is it mentally beyond hard (hence the entire eating disorder) it is also physically painful when you start eating again because the body has not functioned on that level for so long. So I know that he understands that after I eat I will most likely feel not so great and he will be there to support me and hold my hand. I just want to get past these 5 pounds so that I can be at a better place, prove everyone wrong, and be better for him. He's my world and I have to do this for him. I love him more than anything and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I have the greatest support from my friends too. Erica is the strongest advocate for me and I am so excited to let her help me and be open to them all, even though they are scary I know they will literally save my life. I am just so thankful for these people.

Anyway. Off in about an hour. Thank god, ready to put comfy clothes on, curl in the nest, grab some nuts and my nut ;) and watch an XFile.