So, what's the deal with a lifestyle of anorexia? To me, anorexia is restriction of desire in the hope that the feeling of control/security/safety/stability will bring happiness and calm. A reassurance of sorts.
There is no true happiness in anorexia. There's a rush at the beginning of the disease, that feeling of power, of being above needing. That vanishes though and we're left chasing. Then we're stuck in an illness that perpetuates itself because the brain is malnourished. As Carrie said in a recent post, though the behaviors of anorexia are initially rewarding, they become punishing.
What was once so empowering has power over us.
I remember who I was before I developed anorexia. I could relish a day off, without wondering how to fill the hours most efficiently. I could eat anything I wanted. I knew what I wanted. I wasn't overly adventurous in getting it, but I wasn't restrictive by any means. Now, it's hard for me to know what I want because what I want is quickly shushed by rules and "shoulds." I can make guesses at what I want. I can do what Carrie suggests and ask, "What would a recovered person do?" That seems to be the only way -- experimentation, and tolerance of resulting anxiety.
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