Breathing?

I did not especially enjoy yesterday. It was another day off, more importantly I didn't have any plans for it. On my Saturday off I knew I was going to see the girls, go out with my mom, and clean up around the house. Sunday however....Sunday got to me. Which hasn't happened in a few weeks (which is nice). The day drug along. I tried to occupy my time but ned just kept creeping up on me, lingering in the back of my thoughts until he was out full force and just yelling. I hated it. All I wanted was it to be the next day. For it to be over. I ate what felt like to me a lot and felt worse after each thing I swallowed. I went to bed with an awful stomach ache and emotionally exhausted and destroyed from a full day of ned.

I woke up not that great either. I still feel sick from yesterday...emotionally/physically. Detached from my own body. I didn't feel me this morning. I even jerked away when Travis tried to hold me. When I feel so detached It's like anything that touches me feels like it's miles away. Talk about not being mindful or in the moment.

I am at work now, I feel a little better being at work just because it forces me to pull myself out of it. But I still feel detached. I feel like my body isn't my own. I feel like my body hasn't been my own in months. I want it back. I want me back.

I want to be able to wake up and put on whatever I want. I want to be able to wear my jeans. I want to wear clothes that are tight again and not feel like throwing up. I want to be able to go do anything on a whim and not be afraid of what might happen. The anxiety, yes is down, but the physical goes up.

I know I can do this. But sometimes, when it hurts so much...I would rather not eat than feel like that. The guilt that I feel with this process is horrible. It was horrible yesterday because ned was there all day. I know I hear from people that I deserve this time to feel whatever it is I need to feel to get through it, but I feel like such an awful burden. I am a wet blanket. All I want is to hang out with people all the time, love to my fullest capability, and have my drive for everything back. Since these things aren't back yet, It is so frustrating for what I put people through. Nobody deserves it.

I know it's supposed to get better. I know I know. But I need for me to be me. Especially because it is my favorite time of the year right now. I am absolutely in love with Oct/Nov/Dec. Fall, leaves, pumpkins, cider. I do not want to miss any of it. I need to be present for it.

Ned makes me not present. If he is yelling I will be there physically but I am not mentally there. It's like I can't even comprehend what's going on around me or what people are saying because I am trying so hard fighting with ned.

I need to be present. Help me be present.