I've been doing a lot of thinking about the woman's body this week ( Hey yo). All the different shapes, sizes, forms. I've been working on waking up each day and thinking about what I like about myself. Working on compassion for my body and myself. Forgiveness. And...it's going.
I'm trying to challenge myself each day too. Do one thing that's scary. It doesn't have to be huge, it can be as little as having a piece of cake or a cookie (Usually though, that leads to 5 .... :) Yesterday I got off work and we were all going out. I was nervous because I didn't know what to put on. It's cold out now and I can't wear shorts that often so I threw on some jeans, a tank, and the sweater Travis got me for Christmas. Initially I felt so uncomfortable. The jeans were not falling off my body (this made me nervous) the tank and sweater were fitted (this also made me nervous). But I said fuck it and went with it. And you know what? I felt like me that night. I was still feeling for my hip bones at points (which are leaving) but for the majority of the night I felt pretty great.
I have to be able to look down and not let what I see determine my day. For example, right now, I'm bloated beyond belief (thanks recovery) and I really do feel huge. BUT, I'm going to roll with it. Because I know for one, my mind is distorted beyond belief. I know that I don't look like I feel. I know that my body is thanking me for the weight gain, even if it makes me want to scream no and run in the other direction. The other part of me is comforted. Because I can laugh and smile about it.
I have also been blog stalking like nobody's business. I have 2 main ones I follow. A 24 year old girl in recovery from ED living in New York City and a 29 year old in recovery from ED. Both are at very different points and very different types of people. The girl in NY I think is recovered more than the other. She is living my dream of experiencing different exciting things and relishing in the beauty of small things, she is to say the least, mindful and present (my goal). The other girl is struggling more. Unlike NY girl, she has been to inpatient, gotten married, split up, and they are currently moved back in. It's interesting to read about how her husband has been through all of her ED time. She is on a similar outpatient as me and we eat similar things. But what I like about hers is she says what she's thankful for everyday in her blog. So I will start that. Positive thoughts.
Today I am thankful for
1. Travis visiting me at work.
2. Getting a new Glamour magazine
3. Chocolate brownie Luna bars
4. The fact I am going to eat hella popcorn and watch a scary movie tonight
5. The cold and ability to wear a scarf and pea coat.
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