Today when I was talking to my lady I was trying to explain when I physically distance myself from people, mainly Travis. My image of my body is so distorted that I am afraid when he touches me he will see that distortion and react to it the same why I do (which is not positive). Now, obviously I can see the reality in this. I can see that my image is massively distorted and that he (let alone anyone) does not see what I even close to see. I can see that the 'feeling' of my changing body is not reflected. I understand what I 'feel' is not what is shown. She then told me I will have to literally grieve the loss of my hip bones. This is what I was trying to find words for. It is so dead on that it is literally grieving. They have always been a source of safety, protection, comfort, etc for me and with them leaving...well you can see.
So. Travis was a great listener last night too, when I was trying to put this into words. You know what he reminded me of? His love is unconditional. He will love me as much as he did yesterday and even when I am feeling all sorts of physical and emotional strain. That during those times, when I can't love myself, he can. Which led me to this, while I am sitting here at work writing in my journal. The crazy question of the day!
Why is it I feel the most guarded (sometimes) around him? I SHOULD feel the most comfortable, at home, etc around him. Granted, this is from a very broad step back. MOST of the time I do. But, why is it, in those times that are the hardest, do I distance myself from him? When the ONLY person I am fighting, ever, is myself? I find that odd because he is the most supportive and I do feel the most comfortable around him. He brings out who I am really. I think the part that steps in is from the past. Not that he is 'Travis' the fact that he is my boyfriend, he is my lover, my best friend, and those times that feel the worst for me I don't want my 'boyfriend' to feel less attracted to me.
Those are my thoughts for the moment. It's warm at work and I think I'm going to take a lap now.
Oh, but positive things right! Well, my tummy pills have NOT worked yet, tonight is night 4 of them, anytime now....BUT stay positive right? Right.
I am excited for the following...
Getting home tonight, watch TV on the new one with Travis.
Day off tomorrow, I only have 2 short appointments then Autumn's coming over to make crafts
Travis has tomorrow off too and might not be going to his concert, it would be a great movie night :)
Mkay, break!
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