Damn

So yesterday I went to my new doctor. It was weird sitting there while she was reading my chart and I always just feel really ashamed that I have an eating disorder. It makes me feel weak. She asked me to tell me about my history in my own words. I did and she was really nice about it and told me how impressed with me that I have come so far without inpatient. I can't even compare her and Jacobson, the difference is night and day. So we got a little plan that I will do weight checks, I told her I haven't known my weight in about 6 months and how that has helped so so much and I prefer to not know. She completely understood and so did the nurse, Heather, who is a little older than me and was so nice too.

Anyway, after getting an EKG done and some blood work done they gave me some paper work that I bring to the hospital to get an echo done at sometime, I was there reading for the directions to it and there it was printed...my weight. I got through the whole appointment and then of course I had to stumble upon it. I was devastated. I still am. So then I was so anxious the rest of the day, which didn't help the fact that we were going to dinner at a friend's and that we made mac and cheese (something that terrifies me beyond belief). I tried so hard to snap out of it and relax. I went through constant waves of it throughout the night. There were times when I was fine and could calm myself and enjoy and be in the present then my mind kept flashing back to the number. Which contributed to (I can't believe you let this happen, you can't eat anymore now bc you reached too big of a weight, you should start losing weight again, you are fat, blah blah). You know. I hate that it's just a number and If I hadn't had accidently seen it, nothing would be different today. But fuck, it's so different now. I was so so happy not knowing and now I am playing the number game in my head. I'm so torn.

Fuck. Can't I just erase what I saw? This is the most ridiculous disease. I'm ready for my valium please. Also, my lady time has been severely fucked lately. The last 2 months it's started in the middle of my pill cycle, it lasts about the same time, but then I'm torn on whether to start a new pack or keep going. That's frustrating...and confusing. I also have a physical and pap smear on the 19th....I haven't had a lady appt since October of 08....woops. I suppose I have just wanted to be ignorant. So it's good that she wants to do one.

Hrmph. I suppose it's a good time to do it, new year, new check-ups, make sure everything's A-Okay.

This is such an emotional rollar coaster. This recovery. Last night I told Travis I think my recovery will be when I can have him cook and we can eat together, anytime, anywhere, without rules.