A Life Lost

Carrie from 'Ed Bites' put to words perfectly what I had been thinking about the death of Isabelle Caro.

It's sad and scary to see what happens when people say they 'feel fine' and are 'working on it' when all the while their insides are shutting down one by one.

Nobody can see your liver fail, or your immune system deplete. It strikes without warning. One morning they just don't wake up. The slow resting heart rate finally takes it's last step through the door and stops. It breaks my heart because this girl was 4 years older than me. When I did see interviews with her it made me sad to see the hurt in her eyes. The physical and emotional hurt. It made me think each time I saw an ad or interview with her 'Why the hell is she not hooked up to a feeding tube in a hospital??' Why is she out promoting awareness when she should be in bed?? It's sad and familiar and could have been prevented. Which is the worst part. This could have been fixed. She could have recovered and had a fulfilling life. Unfortunately she did not have the support, honest support, she needed to get real help.

Below is what Carrie wrote about her death, it inspired me to write this.


"Model and actress Isabelle Caro, most famous for posing her emaciated body in a 2008 anti-anorexia billboard, died at age 28.

Her goal, says the Los Angeles Times obituary, was to show others the dangers and horrors of anorexia in order to prevent the illness. A noble and honorable goal, to be sure--but Caro knew and lived these dangers and horrors of anorexia, day in and day out. Still she could not shake her illness and instead died at age 28.

The billboard that flung Caro into the limelight was produced by fashion company Nolita, in an effort to raise awareness about anorexia in the fashion industry. Aside from the fact that I'm not convinced of the relationship between anorexia and fashion, Nolita was happy to use Caro's wasted body in their ads. They were happy to use the shock value and run with it. Yes, the company likely meant well by it, but what was that phrase about the road to hell being paved with good intentions?

After the April 2008 billboard, Caro went on to be a guest judge on "Top Model France," to write a book and song lyrics, to appear in television and film. All while deathly ill with anorexia.

When I heard of Caro's untimely death, all I could think was: these people were using this poor girl. They knew she was sick. It was obvious just by looking at her. They knew she was dying from a lethal illness and yet the chose to look the other way. Maybe they figured that as long as Caro thought she was fine, then she had to be fine. She was "trying" to get better, but your heart, your liver, your immune system don't much give a damn about trying.

It was like what I used to tell people: I'm working on it. Which is all well and good, but Caro's and my lack of progress should have made it damn clear to anyone not blind that no progress was actually being made.

Yeah, I'm angry. Media outlets and corporations were all too happy to let Caro continue on her merry way and not actually address her illness. I'm guessing some of them told her she should gain weight and eat some more. Gee, you don't say. Caro had probably never heard that advice before, right? If they cared, they should have refused to cast her until she was healthy. It's hard enough to give up an eating disorder even when it's robbing you of everything in your life. But when you can have the life you want and the eating disorder?

The immediate cause of her death wasn't disclosed. But the media industry--the very ones Caro turned to in her efforts to warn others of the dangers of anorexia--did quite a bit to contribute to her death. She very well might have died if she didn't become famous. Yet the people who knew and worked with her had an opportunity to close down any path but wellness and recovery. And they didn't.

That's what makes me the most angry and the most sad. That so many people are willing to ignore such a blatant disorder and look the other way."

A Week Before Christmas

At this moment I feel great. The best part is probably 90% of my moments I feel like this.

I didn't believe for a second I could weigh this much (I have no idea actually), feel this great, think I look good, and be this happy. But hey all those 'doctors' were right.

I was just looking at one of the blogs I used to religiously read this time last year, Blogxygen. She was the one that had the feeding tube on and off and lost her second child because she was so sick. I read her blog so much because she was so honest and raw with all the feelings during recovery. The hate, the kicking and screaming, the moments of feeling good then the huge drops of thinking she couldn't do it and didn't want to and wanted to retreat into a cave.

Been there done that. Thinking I could fool my doctors and nutritionists. Well she stopped blogging for a long time, which I sort of did. Then she had this recap of her weighing so much more, healthy, working again and happy. It was really cool to see that she is so far in her recovery. I got a little giddy inside.

I never really thought there could be this much recovery from that sickness. I just could not for the life of me picture myself weighing more than 90 pounds. I put so much stress on that. So much of me was consumed of the routine and the rules.

Today me and Travis went grocery shopping and before, shopping was a long painful task of reading the calories of only cereal and if I was feeling adventurous yogurt. Well today yeah I got the nonfat yogurt, but it has about 100 more calories than the one I would normally get. Also, Travis had to reassure me that I could get anything. It's a very freeing concept and idea. Do I feel like crackers or chips? It's no big deal if I do or don't. Freedom.

Anyway. Basically I'm feeling pretty good and pretty proud. Yes I have my hard times, a recent hard week but I know that this eventually does go away. The anxiety goes away. The shame and guilt lessens and I am soon back to myself.

A Week

I've had a tough week. I have spent too much time thinking back on things I have eaten. This was a very common habit when I was really sick. I had a notebook of what I ate pretty much each day. I have eaten some really great things but they have also been not 'so normal' in terms of 'safe food'.
i.e. Risotto, Pita

I have also noticed 2 women who to me seemed sick. This hasn't happened much, for whatever reason I haven't seen many or noticed, but I have the last couple days. I'm indifferent on how it makes me feel. I feel sad, jealous, empathetic, angry.

I have also let thoughts be a little louder after eating. Regards to feeling 'disgusting, disappointed in myself, out of control, weak, frumpy.'

I've had a hard time feeling really different day to day. A little crazy.

Travis is so helpful and can calm me to a point. I'm trying really hard to not let my thoughts get out of control. It's hard, it's hard this time of year.

Sampling

So today I was walking out of Barkley Haggen with my Starbucks in hand. The barista was surprised to see me because it had been so long since I had been in. I didn't really want to tell her the real reason (I'm not starving myself so I don't come for the samples anymore.)

Walking out I smiled to myself thinking of all the crazy habits I did almost every single day.

I would almost always at least leave an hour early before work to go 'eat.' I was way too afraid to eat at home and it was a battle to try not to grab a bite of something. I would also almost always save my banana to eat while I was driving to work. Hence why I always had an old banana peel in my car.

Some favorites of mine include:
-Hitting all the Haggens in town. First I would start at the Barkley one because they always had cheese samples, then I would go into the bulk to get some nuts, then the bakery where they had bread/pastry samples, then I would leave.
-Next was the old Haggen on the guide, they usually had good bread samples and sometimes cheese.
-The Sehome Haggen was hit or miss, I usually ate the most out of the bulk aisle here and they had bread here and there.
-I would also frequent the Market in Fairhaven when I worked at Paper Dreams. They always had a few chips and dip samples and breads.
-Sometimes I would hit the Greenhouse on the way to work because they would have samples, only on the weekends, usually a pumpkin bread or licorice.
-I would usually get coffee at Woods exclusively for the samples of their twists.
-On days off I sometimes would drive into Ferndale and stop at the Haggen there, it gave me something to do to distract me.

Funny thing is I thought I was distracting myself from the food but really it was literally all I was thinking about. I lost a lot of time I could have spent elsewhere doing these things.

I'm glad I can look back now and laugh and realize how troubling it was. I am very happy I don't have to do that anymore. I enjoy being at home with Travis before work. I enjoy not being hungry all the time and thinking about when my next 'safe food' will be.

I'm happy. I'm feeling healthy. My bad days are a lot less. Travis supports me on those days and I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Glance Back

Well I remember how I was feeling a year ago very well.

I remember thinking I was just fine at the weight I was at.

I remember at work my routine would be get a coffee before work and be so hungry that I would
count down the minutes until 6 when I ate my Luna bar.

I remember eating my Luna bar so slow and savoring every bite of it.

I remember being sad after I finished because I wouldn't allow myself to eat until 8:30

I remember at 8:30 all I allowed myself to eat was my Tupperware of baby carrots with some sort of condiment, usually a mustard (less calories).

I remember still being hungry after that.

I remember seeing coworkers eat pretzels and wanting them so bad.

I remember at 10 I would eat 2 sometimes only 1 rice cake, the lightly salted only.

I remember being exhausted getting off work and wanting to go home so bad and just be.

I remember Erica saying to me 'You're so thin that it looks like it hurts.'

I remember thinking to myself it does hurt but not letting myself really realize that because that would have been 'weakness'

I remember thinking there would be no way I would be happier or like myself if I had gained anymore weight than what I was at.

Well, here it is a year later, a LOT more weight on....
Happier
Healthier
Prettier
More energetic
NOT starving
Intuitively eating
Loving more


:)

Who would have guessed?

Sure as hell not me

A Much Needed Update

It's been a long time since I've had a long post. Which I think is progress. I haven't felt that I've needed to write as often as I had. I haven't been reading my disorder blogs religiously like I had six months ago.

I have had a spike in anxiety/guilt/nervousness/disordered thoughts. But I think I have been a lot better at coping with them, recognizing them and quieting the thoughts.

My lady was telling me this week that this increase in the thoughts are not because 'I have gained weight, or to do with the food I've been eating' but what has happened else in my life. It's not surprising that I have dealt with it like that.

So I have been trying to recognize and deal with each problem in the proper way.

I'm having a really hard time. For a while there I felt like the disorder was at like a 3 out of 10 (10 being the worst) and now after everything that's happened I feel like it's at a 5 or 6 now.

I find myself at work obsessing and loathing my body. I'm loathing myself also, which just I guess makes it easier to direct that to my body.

Happy Autumn Camper

So I am so so glad that I was able to find those tops that are all fall colors and tight fitting! It's really helped me be more comfortable in form fitting clothes and I am actually starting to not like baggy clothes and feeling more confident in form fitting things.

This is huge. Even at work now I have abandoned my loose fitting skirts that made me look like a little boy.

I'm just really into autumn right now and decorating and pumpkin spice smells.

I'm also finally being rewarded at work too. This job has made me much more assertive and I have gotten pretty good at not appearing 'weak' or 'nervous' or 'anxious' and I have been able to not take bullshit from people that try to push me around.

I suppose it has to do with all the little things that have fallen in place and come together. I feel that finally I am building myself and more of who I am as a person.

Autumn

It's been a while since I have
updated. I haven't felt the need to. I haven't felt the need to read my eating disorder blogs everyday, maybe once a week.
I haven't felt the need to be down on my self at work or even on my hung over days.
I haven't felt massively guilty after eating something 'not normal' or grabbing a bite here and there of different food, even mac and cheese.
I also haven't felt that I've gained enormous amounts of weight.
I haven't felt the need to feel my thighs and hate that they touch.
I haven't hated my stomach so much where I curl in a ball.

It's pretty cool :)

I got a new pair of jeans and have been wearing them, also I think my biggest victory lately has been my purchasing of 6 fitttted tank tops and wearing them. It's nice to not wear baggy and I actually feel better about myself wearing clothes that fit.

Goodness

So I have done a poor job of updating. So time for a meaningful update.

It's the end of August and fall is right around the corner. The nights are crisper, cooler, the leaves in the backyard are piling up. It's bittersweet. I had a great summer. Our BBQ's, Vegas, Mariner's Game. I'm anxious for fall because that means heavier clothes. I want them to be form fitting, but I am still so afraid of my 'form' that I still often times do what I can to hide it.

This led me to ask why am I so afraid of my 'form.' Why do I feel the need to conceal it. I know this relates back to when I was sick and emaciated, I thought that was 'thin.' And now I feel fat, frumpy, let go etc. It is really difficult for me to believe that I am still 'thin' or 'petite'.

I also feel foreign in my body. I don't know how to really walk/stand/present myself. I was always so hunched over and tried to blend in.

The other thing I was thinking about was why does part of me want to be as emaciated as I once was? A part of me mourns and longs for when I was that sick. Why? Nothing was better than, than things are now. It's that odd part of the disease that tries to make me believe these things.

Another note...work's been slowing down, I'm really hoping we get to move back to wearing black or blue for bottoms instead of khakis. I have been having a lot of trouble working in my khaki skirts and khaki pants. They are much much tighter than when I first got them, which is awful and obvious. But I have had zero luck trying to find another option. It makes my time before work anxious.

Along with anxiety about the fall and holidays I am also really excited. I want desperately to embrace my body with sweaters, boots, tight jeans and hats. Why do I convince myself that I can't 'pull that off' or 'don't deserve to wear those things.? That's a major goal of mine.

Distortion to the max

It's Thursday and I'm at work and I don't think I've stood still for more than 15 minutes. I am extremely uncomfortable and loathing my body right now. I feel like I have 'let myself go.' It feels more than scary. I hate it. I hate my jeans. I feel so distorted that the mirror makes me sick.

I don't know what to do really. I'm just really stuck
:(

A Year

I feel like I'm at a funny place with my eating disorder. I feel like it has it's last hooks in me trying to do anything to drag me back or to look down on my progress and call it failure. Removing my disorder, I am happy with my body. I have 100% energy, in my 'normal mind' I don't think I'm fat, I like my new curves and I smile and jump around more. Whenever I get anxious or worried, or something happens at work or anything of that sort that's when the little voice sneaks in.

It says things like 'Your jeans don't fit, you need to keep them to fit into them again'
'You would look better even if you lost 10 pounds'
'You've let yourself go'
'You're frumpy now, not unique, like everything other girl.'

Because my anorexia was so much of my identity I have had to face the fact that it was not a part of me, just a time in my life, so I've had to rediscover myself. What do I like? Hobbies? Who am I for the first time as a 'woman' and by woman I mean really in a woman's body for the first time. How do I walk? How do I hold myself? I feel very uncomfortable with feeling 'sexy' because I was so emaciated for so long that there was nothing sexy there, which was safe for me.

I bought a pair of jeans at Buffalo Exchange the other week because I had tried on all my jeans in my drawer the Saturday before. The Diesel, Big Star, American Eagle and they were all a MAJOR struggle to even button. This left me feeling dismayed. So at Buffalo I tried on a pair and they fit. When I got home to try to wear them I couldn't do it yet. I felt absolutely enormous and like a complete failure. So I ended up wearing a dress.

I have made progress with wearing more form fitting things, I have been wearing fitting tank tops and even some of my dresses show off my curves. I feel so exposed with form fitting things and it seems that the voice is amplified when I wear things like that. If I'm busy and with people I can drown it out and enjoy myself, but it is still a struggle.

As for jeans, I just don't know. I was going to hold onto the Diesel's because I had actually worn them out last month I think, and now that they are EVEN tighter I have been thinking 'Am I gaining weight too fast? Is this healthy? Am I just going to keep going and going?'

It's hard because I really want to enjoy each moment. At work this week both Wednesday and Thursday I sat in my car in the garage and said to myself 'How about I just try to go the whole shift without slouching, poofing my stomach out, rubbing my stomach, and telling myself I'm fat' Well I didn't succeed. I have a lot of good moments but I just cannot seem to make it a whole shift.

I had a day off on Sunday and again in the morning I said to myself ' Okay, I am just with me this whole day, it's a me day, forgive myself and just enjoy my body and relax' Well you can guess how that went. Not that well, it wasn't awful, but I still spent a lot of time rubbing my stomach, hips, arms, waist, and got more and more anxious.

They should make something like Anorexia Mittens, where if you try to touch yourself you get shocked or something.


Anywho. I have been thinking about this a lot because my birthday is tomorrow and I remember last year's very well. I remember what I wore, my ripped jeans (Which now can barely button) a black tank top, checkered scarf and big yellow sweatshirt along with my black hat. The pictures from that night I don't like, I do think I look like a little boy and don't have any glow. I remember we drank then went to Bryan's to hang out and I was so hungry that I looked through their pantry and ate a piece of their bread. Then Travis was so sweet and got me a Greek Pita from Pita Pit (my first Pita in probably 2 years). I remember eating it and just enjoying it so so much then I lost it. I told him we had to leave, I was so so so so guilty I could hardly bare it. We walked home and I cried my eyes out all the way home. I cried at home hysterical.

That was not so much fun.

So yeah.
Thoughts.

A Better Week

It's been a better week for sure.
Monday I went to Nimbus with my dad for drinks then met the girls at Poppes. It was great because Autumn was able to come out.

Tuesday we had a fabulous BBQ and I ate some of the mac and cheese, it was soo good. We went dancing after too. The next day I was hung over but wasn't loathing myself.

The rest of the week's been quiet and really nice, I love nights in watching movies or watching Deadliest Warriors.

A Better Post

So I have felt a lot better the past couple days. I have been going on my morning jogs which helps me feel better during the day.

I know that my body image, distortion, worth changes daily if not hourly it seems. I also know that if I'm not careful I will literally let myself loathe my body while I'm at work.

I really have to snap out of it and realize I do not look different than any other day.

It's just hard.

Anxious

Well yesterday I did have a very anxious day. So what caused this?
I went out on Monday night with the girls - Had some pico de gallo, then at the Ranch Room I had a veggie basket and at home I made some cereal.
I was feeling off on Tuesday because I was a little anxious about the BBQ food, but more excited. I snacked at the BBQ and even had a bowl of the noodles we made. I felt guilty because I felt I ate too much. We went dancing and I ate when I got home too. Which led to Wednesday just beating myself up.
I went to Hearthfire but was just so anxious, it helped to talk through it and I relaxed a little. But I went to the girls' and felt so awful that I couldn't fathom going out so I walked home and hadn't really had anything to eat that day so I made a little bowl of the noodles, which was good and some cereal.

It was a lot of guilt and bad talk. I'm still feeling it today but trying.

Recap

The week's been a little hard.
We had an incredible day celebrating our 2 year and went to Nimbus, it was beautiful out and we dressed up and watched a movie with champagne at home.

The next day I was feeling a little off but kept going, I went out to Hearthfire then to a BBQ. It took a few days for me to feel guilty about having some chicken at the BBQ, then after we went to the Ranch Room, I had part of a veggie plate, and at home I had some granola and yogurt. For some reason this all really stuck in my head the following days.

Which then has led to me feeling 'big' all week. I've also had some more unusual scary foods this week. But anyway, I have the next few days off and am a bit anxious but really trying to gain some perspective.

Vegas Recap...

Alright so I'm here to update my first vacation trip being 'more' recovered from my eating disorder.

The last trip I took was to Portland, in the high point of my disorder. It was a very hard time eating there. I had 2 major crying breakdowns.

But this trip was much better.

Here's how it went.

Monday I had my Luna bar around 3 before we left for the airport. On the plane ride there I was getting really really hungry. I stared at the plane menu for about 15 minutes deciding if I wanted to order anything. I decided that I was going to have my second Luna bar and then ate the free little bag of pretzels. I felt much better.

Upon arriving, I wasn't hungry in the slightest and felt good. However, from the time we got off the plane, to get a shuttle, to get to our hotel it was about almost an hour. Travis was starving and I was getting a little hungry.

We ended up at Cesar's Palace and I was so hungry that when we saw the Cheesecake Factory I said yes. We got a basket of INCREDIBLE bread, Rye and Sourdough. I had 1.5 pieces of each, it was sooo good.

I ordered the Thai chicken lettuce wraps which were INCREDIBLE and the perfect type of food for me. It came with lettuce pieces to put the little chicken pieces in, shredded carrots, sprouts, 3 types of sauce and pickled cucumbers. I ate all of them and was full, content, and not hating myself. It was so good because it felt safe because the wrap part was lettuce and the flavors etc.

We walked around a bit more, which helped me digest, because being sick I never understood that the body digests after you eat and then an hour or so later you feel better. Big news. We were heading back to the room and I decided to get a bag of Raisinetts because I wanted chocolate.

The next day we went to the Rio to go the buffet #1 (scary right?), well it was AWESOME. It really is the ideal eating situation for me because I get to have full control over portions, types, anything and everything. It was 12:30 and I went through all the sections, which included 7 types of world foods. I took little spoonfulls of things and pretty much mixed them all up. I even got a little carrot cake that came in personalized bite sized pieces. I didn't eat myself sick, I ate until I was content and more importantly enjoyed all the different types of flavors and foods I got to have.

We continued our adventure and yet again my body digested and I felt 'normal' within an hour. (Crazy huh). We did lots of walking and some drinking. From all the walking and heat we didn't realize how hungry we were until of course we were at the Luxor, far away. We ended up at the Spice Buffet at Planet Hollywood for dinner around 6:30ish. This was great, I got to sample all sorts of things I would never be able to before because of portion size. I fell in love with the Middle Easter food, the Basil Cous Cous was great. Everything was great and I had a very good yummy dinner. I ended the night with some Raisinetts again.

The next day we got in line for the Village Buffet for breakfast. We got in around 11 and I had a WONDERFUL brunch/lunch. I was really sick to my stomach in the morning but had incredible oatmeal with peaches, yogurt and granola, an herb frocaccia roll, a little pastry, fruits, and even a baby chocolate chip pancake. It was so great and more importantly I realized that eating in the morning and being full gave me LOADS of energy through the day and I didn't get famished or hungry or weak. We were getting hungry around 5:30ish and decided to get nachos at this Mexican grill in Ballys. They were the most incredible nachos I've ever had, red/white/blue chips, beans, salsa, guacamole, olives, sour cream, cheese etc. I picked away at them, (another great thing about nachos is that we share them and I get to pick at them and what I want). Anyway we had planned on having a dinner that night but we were both so full from nachos even around 9 that we decided to postpone that for Fino or something at home. I wanted a dessert so we ventured to Red Mango Frozen Yogurt shop and I got the pomegranate vanilla frozen yogurt with kiwis, strawberries, and rice pieces. It was awesome!

The next day I woke up feeling good. Who would have thought! We got to the Vegas airport and had an hour to kill, so at noon we went to get lunch. I had a fruit bowl and chai latte. On the plane I had the pack of pretzels again.

At home I had a Luna bar then we ended up going back for a little bit then at home I had a little bowl of cereal that I didn't even finish just because I wasn't hungry.

So basically. I get a fucking A for my food time in Vegas.

A Trip

Well in 2 days we will be in Vegas!
I am super excited and a little nervous. Not as nervous or anxious as I was when we first booked it though.

I have been practicing letting 'go' and trusting my body more. Yes ups and downs, but more ups during the last 3 weeks for sure. I'm scared about the food yes, I am scared about a swimsuit yes, I am scared about how I feel the next day.

I do like my swimsuit, I got new bottoms and kept an old top I had. I also sprung for some new shorts, not that I don't love wearing my blue ones over, and over, and over .....I found some really soft white ones that make me feel pretty okay in them. I am nervous about tank tops but have been making a point of not wearing baggy clothes, since it is in the 100's in Vegas...holy hell. I have never been in that hot of weather.

I am nervous that for example I wake up after day one feeling 'fat, guilty, etc' and have it interfere with my day, BUT I recognize that may happen and I will try my hardest to fight back and enjoy each moment of our vacation :)

I am so excited though for a vacation with Travis.
EEEE.

Go Me

I am pretty proud of myself for the last couple weeks. I have been slowly trying to trust my body more rather than control it in routines and habits. Granted, I'm not 100% there, but what I have been trying has gone rather well. I have felt much much better.

It was a pretty uneventful week at work and I am very much looking forward to my days off tomorrow and Tuesday.

We leave for Las Vegas in a week too! Travis needs this vacation so so bad and I'm pretty effing excited. It's going to be weird to have 4 days off from work! Eek!

It's going to be even more weird to try to trust my body while in Vegas and be 'intuitive' when it comes to eating. I've decided I will still bring a few Luna bars for extra help. I really am terrified to try on my swimsuit...I would rather not even try to but I can't exactly afford a new one...

Anywho, it's a sleepy Sunday at work, I've gone through a small wave of emotions since I got here mainly over eating some nut clusters, but I think I am starting to relax about it. I am very ready for bed already.

A New Layout

So I found this new layout and I thought it would be a nice change.

I think I have challenged myself a lot over the last few weeks.
I have been rather more spontaneous than usual the last couple weeks. This is exhilarating and I feel like each time I'm doing something 'bad.' When really I'm just challenging my disordered thoughts, behaviors, rituals and routines.

Travis and I adventured to the mall on Monday then I went to Nimbus with my dad. After that I would have been content with going home but we ended up going on outside adventures starting at Casa Que Pasa, where I (ON MY OWN) ordered chips and salsa. Then we went to the Ranch Room then to Rumors for Karaoke. At home I had cereal and a great unexpected day.

Tuesday was our Super Burrito BBQ day. I baked some peanut butter cookies, put together Watermelon Basil cocktails and even made myself a burrito (complete with tortilla) and ate it. I didn't even thrown dish soap on it.
Later after going dancing that night, at home I even let myself have a mini burrito and some ice cream.

The next day was hard, yes, but I wanted to trooper through it. By the time I got off work I was feeling much better. We stayed up to watch Sherlock Holmes and I made myself a salad with the leftover BBQ stuff, it was excellent and I didn't feel like death after.

Wednesday at work my perception of my body was out of control. I truly did feel awful and like a failure. Today I feel drastically different. It's bizaar how fast it can change from day to day.

I just have to believe that it will be better the next day.

Disordered Times

Update time. This week has gone really well.

Monday I was caught off guard and was forced to stray from my 'normal routine.'
Normally, on my Monday I get up early and super clean the bathroom, kitchen, floor, house and vacuum. I knew we had dinner reservations at 7 for Cliffhouse but had planned on doing my normal thing until then.
Then surprise Trav's grandparents show up at noon! I was for sure scattered for about a half hour, then I realized I could still get dressed, do my hair, while chatting and not losing my mind.
Then we spontaneously went to Poppe's for appetizers and drinks. So I went with it and had an amazing time. THEN, went back to Poppes with my mom for drinks, THEN went to DINNER at Cliffhouse! We had a fabulous time, when we got home it was around 8 and we relaxed a bit, then we decided to go out! This is NOT NORMAL for me, especially after having dinner at a restaurant.

Anyway, it was successful day full of lots of good conversation and was spontaneous.

Tuesday I was stoked for our BBQ, I went with a Greek theme and put together an oliver and veggie plate. We had a great turnout and had lots of yummy food, then even went out dancing after. LOTS of dancing. At home we had some more snacks then went to bed.


Then here comes Wednesday (The dreaded guilt filled, shame filled, regret filled day that tends to follow fun days). Well did I feel like shit? Yes. Did I feel guilty? Yes. But I went against every ounce of what I usually do and just tried to be with myself. At home instead of retreating to bed immediately, I stayed up, had some cereal and a little bowl of ice cream, watched 'It's Complicated' with Travis and had a wonderful night.

Basically I'm trying to mix things up.

A Lot of Thoughts

Okay, last night we had a really great long talk that was needed.

I got a lot out and I want to write it all down.
I am really struggling with my perception of my body. We went out last night and when we got home I had my 'safe' bowl of cereal then we just kept chatting away and pizza was ordered. We sat and I had a few of the cinnamon sticks then worked on a piece of pizza. After that I just lost it. I felt so much regret/shame/hatred/etc.

My day was as follows. I felt 'not fat' before work and it was nice and sunny out. At work I had my usual: Latte, Luna bar, Rockstar, carrots, and pretzels. Then we went out, I had a Blueberry Stoli and Bartender Lemonade. At home I had a bowl of Special K. Then some cinnamon sticks and a piece of pizza-->Enter 'Freak out.'

I felt guilty because 'I shouldn't have had the pizza or cinnamon sticks'

Travis is remarkable when it comes to talking to me about all of it. He asks me very pragmatic straight forward questions that don't cater towards the disordered thinking.

Have I become 'less' worthy of a person by gaining weight? No.
Have I become 'less intelligent?' No
Have I become 'hideous' and 'overweight?' No

It was a very emotional, hard night. But a wonderful talk and discussion and reassurance of remembering I am in a very very difficult part of my recovery.

I remember when I was 76 pounds and I thought i I reached 80 I would absolutely be a 'lost cause' It terrified me. The ounces would terrify me.

Then I remember when I saw that I was 83 and just cried and cried and felt so out of control. It was at this point where I decided that I no longer wanted to know or see my weight. Ever.

Now, I'm not that nieve that I think I'm still 85 or 90 pounds, but I would just like to live in that world right now. I am so afraid of it all.

I could use a big hug right now.



Anyway. This is a scattered post.

I feel awful :( I'm trying so hard, and I am trying to recognize that and be kind and forgiving to myself.

All I know is that I am beyond lucky to have Travis be so incredibly understanding of this disease and how it works.

A New Day

It's a new day and that's good. Yesterday was hard. Travis was wonderful. I'm so lucky to get to come home to him and a cute kitten, even if Oliver attacks us at night.

I am feeling better today. I did my pilates which helps my mind. The weather makes a difference. Plus, there are a lot of exciting things coming up. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to do anything without any disordered thoughts. I want to not have to live by rules.

So.
Things I am super looking forward to...
*3 1/2 weeks until Vegas. Exciting things include non stop flights there and back, exploring all the hotels with Travis, cocktails, Sitting at the POOL, and endless fun. I'm really excited.

*Our weekly BBQ. I have had such a great time with those. Travis is so good at grilling and it's so fun having our friends over and it's always great to look forward to.

*My parent's 25th anniversary. That's pretty rad, sadly it's the day before we leave to Vegas, and I'm assuming I'll most likely be working, but still awesome!

Distorted

I was really quiet this morning.
I was quiet because I was loathing my body/self/decisions.

I am very distorted in how I look. I have been so so uncomfortable today

:(

Breathing

I'm having a really really hard day. I had a great 3 day weekend but the guilt/shame/regret has caught up to me.

In 'real person life' I had a very successful weekend, eating and anti disorder wise. But my disordered side feels shameful and like 'I failed.'

I feel really really big and have had a lot of panic moments today. It's hard. I hate it.

Insecurities

I was reading Kim's blog and she wrote about her biggest insecurity, which happens to be mine as well, here's what she wrote, I think it's a great way of explaining how one thing can lead to another....

"I complain the most about my stomach. It is the source and destination of all anxiety. It is at the center of this endless, maddening loop: "I feel stressed out" leads to "I feel overwhelmed" leads to "I feel full" leads to "my stomach is full" leads to "my stomach feels bloated and fat and [insert any adjective that is not kind]" leads to "I feel stressed out"... "

Then she went on to this, which describes the disease perfectly...

"What's weird is that my arms were one of the main places I did body checks when I was really sick. You know, the ol' fingers-around-the-arm test to make sure I was "still skinny." This still doesn't make sense to me -- I was disgusted by the skinniess of my arms and wouldn't bear them to the public if you paid me, but I was also dead set against filling out in any way"


"You have to decide that you feel confident -- not wait to feel confident."

It's really hard to fight against this disease. A day at a time still.


"I'm starting to believe that the more we just accept our bodies as they are, instead of fighting, the easier and more natural all the eating issues will get. Anorexia thrives on criticism, after all."

Silence is Golden

Finally I can think because the crazy woman at work just left and I can finally write.

So. I had 3 days off this week, which in the past I would go into panic mode and lurk around the entire third day out of anxiety and such. I've had plenty of those days. So Wednesday was my last day off. I was really tired from an eventful two days before and had no desire to even leave the house until about 5.

At 5 I figured I wanted to go get something to eat because I wasn't really feeling cereal. I went to Haggen and probably looked really odd just staring and deciding forever.

I actually went with what I WANTED which was this pack of whole grain rice veggie sushi. It looked so good and I actually got it, I smiled at the little sushi chef and giggled, it was like Christmas or something, I felt I was doing something so wrong and getting away with it.

Then I walked past the cheese island. I bought one of the snack sized cheeses and got some fire roasted vegetable Kashi crackers to go with it. I figured to top it off I wanted some chocolate. I got a little box of 4 whitman's chocolates and a cider.

I was so giddy at home I made a little cheese and cracker plate and snacked on the sushi throughout the night. Then I even took out a tiny bit of cookie dough and baked 2 cookies to eat.

Basically, what I'm getting at is that I felt that whole experience was so 'wrong.' I felt incredibly awful and guilty around 11 but thanks to Travis was able to lay there and watch a really good movie and try to be kind to myself.

There's a sense of scary freedom when I give myself the opportunity to get anything I want, not based on the 'rules.' I like these moments of freedom and I think they are becoming more common.

Restaurant Panic

So I thought I would write about restaurants and the panic they entail. The disordered thoughts. A normal person would just randomly pick a place to eat and just go with it. With me, it is as follows.

First I pick a restaurant that I know has some sort of 'safe food.' i.e. salads. So Thai/Chinese/Italian/Mexican are usually out of the question unless I can order a Mexican Salad or Italian 'salad.' So then usually my restaurant choice is usually down to 'American Cuisine.' Then there is the disordered habit of if a menu is online then I will study it for up to a day in advance and pre-pick what I will be getting. Oh I can't wait until I can pick whatever I went at wherever I want. Hence this snippit from 'Building Beauty Beyond Body'

"But I was put on the spot and panicked a little and reverted to ye old boring ED favorite, the grilled chicken salad. Once I am truly fully recoverED I'm never going to order one of those damn things in a restaurant again, after so many years of feeling like it was my only option everywhere I went."

I thought this was funny and really similar to what I go through.

Ugh

I have been really quiet today. I had a really great time last night. After work we had lots of people over and then went out. I feel incredibly guilty and awful from eating some nachos then I made a bowl of snacks at home, some potato salad, macaroni salad.

I feel so awful. Ugh, I just really want to go to bed.

Routine

Okay. So I know why I have been so anxious yesterday and today, obviously because my days off were switched and it freaked me out because then in my head I had to 'rethink' my 'plan' for the week.

My plan? What does this really consist of? It consists of control and not to be spontaneous. Example:
Last night I got off work and Travis had a friend over then they were going to go to Rumors to see Mallory and Moses, he asked if I wanted to go because we hadn't seen them for a long time. I said yes, went in to change, felt 'fat, not worthy, "shouldn't go out, etc' and ended up staying in alone. Of course he had a great time and I know I would have too. But I was afraid of the guilt I might feel the next day.

Hence, today. He's having a bbq tonight around 7, I have no idea if people will still be there when I get home, if we're going out, if anything. So I have been super anxious today about that too.

I'm disappointed that last night I let my 'sick' self dictate what I did with my night. I did not LOOK any different than I had the day before or the week before but my disordered thoughts were so strong last night and the guilt was so close that I panicked, and gave in.

Bad.

So now here I am anxious at work trying to breathe and relax. I want to be open to whatever happens when I get home. If there are people over, or if we go out, or if there's food to eat, just to 'go with it.' Easier said than done especially me.

What made me start writing this early in my shift is what I read at 'Bearing, Eating, Being' It was really sweet and made me think of not everything has to be about food/exercise/guilt/diciplin.

"I remember sitting next to a pool on one of my rare off days that month, watching the missionary family I was with enjoy a box of Chips Ahoy that had been sent to them from the States. The little girl asked me, “why don’t you eat some?”

I ate a sleeve and couldn’t remember the last time I had let myself do anything like that. Here I was, in freaking Honduras traveling BY MYSELF for a month, killing tarantulas and sleeping on floors and wandering through mudslides–and eating a sleeve of Chips Ahoy was brave"

"Everything changes when you have an eating disorder. Your reference points for brave and courage acts change; your definitions of “easy” and “hard” tasks change, and your view of yourself becomes smaller and less powerful."

Hrm

I've had a sort of odd 'weekend.'
I had Saturday/Sunday off instead of Monday/Tuesday. This was my fault.
Saturday I did the Haggen 5 k and had a great time then went out with people who all came over after. But Sunday I was sort of lost, it ALMOST became one of those days where my anxiety is sky high and I panic. I was getting to that point then had to pull myself up and just went to the Bellwether to visit. I then decided I had to relax. So I got some cider at Haggen (I was deciding literally for 20 minutes) Then went home had a pep talk with myself that I'm going to put on anything in my closet because they are my clothes. So I got comfy but NOT baggy clothes on.
Then I poured myself some cider, grabbed Oliver and the cat nip toy then watched MSNBC.

I was able to relax. I had moments where I felt fat/lazy/ blah but really actively tried to embrace 'relaxing' 'lounging' etc.

It was hard but okay. Travis got home late and I ended up falling asleep before we could finish the movie.

I'm still sort of in panic/anxious mode. He has today and tomorrow off and I have a long week at work and it doesn't feel like Monday obviously. I'm anxious because he is having a BBQ tomorrow which means I'd like to hang out with people after work, then thoughts like do I eat less because people are coming over then I'll be up later and eat later or do I just eat the same stuff and risk feeling fat when I get home then retreat into the bedroom. Etc.
Crazy thoughts.

I recognize this anxiety comes from a change in schedule/routine.

1 Year

Today is my one year anniversary of starting treatment. I will never forget last year on Cinco de Mayo going into Jacobson to say once again, very humiliated, I have anorexia, I need help. They weighed me, with my clothes on and she looked at me very scared. At the time I was doing this for everyone else. I thought I was fine. I was mad about going but a tiny bit releaved.

Then when I got home I called Leslie for the first time, made an appointment then went out. We went to Boundary for lunch, I had a side salad, part of it. I had to safety pin my pants that day. We went to the mall and I remember being so hungry and weak. Then we went to Dos Padres and I remember everyone but me ordered food. I ate the chips and salsa.

I remember everyone wanted to go to the Nightlight after to go dancing and all I wanted to do was go home. But I went and was so tired and hating myself. I ended up dancing then I remember wanting to get nachos so bad, so we did and I cried the way home. I felt so awful. And the reality of treatment was setting in.

My lady asked me this week when was it when I decided to actually actively try to get better. It wasn't until October. That's when I had the leverage needed to commit.

I also talked to her about what I am doing now that I never thought I could do a year ago.

-Not loathe my body as much as I did.
-Eat cereal with milk.
-Eat cereal that's NOT kashi go lean
-Eat foods not out of only tupper ware containers
-Drink chai lattes instead of black coffee
-Be able to be ACTIVE from 9am until 1 or 2am
-Not have to take naps or 'rest' in the afternoon
-Be able to run a mile and not want to pass out
-Be able to stand up without being dizzy
-Say fuck you to rice cakes
-To eat foods (granted still scary but can sometimes) such as...chicken, pizza, nachos (Last night at Boundary), bread, muffins.
-Not be so rigid about food
-Not be thinking about food all day. Now it's mainly politics and Nut and Cat
-Own bras that fit and that.....give me cleavage!
-Have a butt and not hate it
-Find myself smiling for no good reason
-Be more at peace with myself than I ever though possible
-Have memories because I am not starving my brain

Just a few things I've been thinking about today.

A year ago today I was convinced that gaining any weight would make me hate myself even more than I did at the time. I was convinced that I would lose Travis because of weight gain, I would lose whatever 'special thing' I had about me, which I thought was only being emaciated (I've learned that I can be thin without being emaciated). I thought that's all I had to offer. I was convinced that gaining weight would not make my mind or myself at peace.

Alas. I can laugh a little now. Yes I do still have bad days and bad weeks. I do have days where I loathe my body and it still terrifies me. But I told my lady it's 70-30. I never would have guessed how much I like myself more, even after gaining this much weight. And it's a lot of weight. Scary. But pretty okay.

I remind myself now that I am not worthless, I have more to offer than being able to be emaciated, I will not lose people that love me, I am still me at any weight, I am MORE me at a healthy weight where I can function and be active.

I would have never been able to do ANY of this without the incredible support, patience, love, and understanding of my 'team'
Thank you
My parents for taking the time to see Leslie, and understand a disease that is near impossible to understand and to support me through all the crazy times with unconditional love.

To Travis for the amount of patience, love, and support. For the way he knows how to distinguish between myself and the disease talking. For always knowing EXACTLY what to say to me in my times of chaos and distress and tears. For the love that I can see in his eyes and know he's not lying about me being more beautiful.

To Leslie for truly believing in me and giving me the chance to do this on my own and trusting me.

To my incredible friends who have seen me at my best and my worst. Their support love and hugs are real and I am so thankful.

So yeah. Good job team.
Here's to another year of what will be ups downs highs lows and full of love and adventures.

Oh and to Oliver, who loves me and scratches me at any weight ;)

This was up today on 'Ed Bites' and I thought it was strangely relevant to this last week.

"We need to start seeing the initial phase of weight restoration and normalization of eating behaviors similar to detox from addictions--it's a necessary first step but far far from the last. Furthermore, intensive, ongoing support is still needed after detox and weight restoration so that brain healing can take place and the person can learn how to overcome their tendency towards substance abuse or eating disorders."

Update

Well this week is going far better than last in regards to anxiety about my body.
I had a pretty great two days off.

Monday I did a bunch of gardening, especially in the front, got some necessities at Target then we all went to the Bistro to watch Evening Magazine's show on us. We went to Copper Hog, Rumors, then NYP. A really good night that consisted of a really good talk between me and Travis.

Tuesday was beautiful and I did lots more gardening. It was Sarah's birthday and Abby was in town. I went over to Sarah's that day and got to see Autumn Charlie and Noel. Cutest family. Nick was in town too so it was a blast. Even Natalie and Raj came and we all had a great party, lots of Lady Gaga, a pinata, a cake with 80 candles then we went downtown to the Ranch Room, I had a fabulous veggie plate then cereal at home.

I had a good talk with my lady about my clothes. I finally took the two 'bad' jeans out of the drawer and set them aside, I also just bit the bullet and got rid of some shirts that reminded me too much of how they fit last summer. So at least I have a lot more room in my drawers and I got a couple tops at Gap in bigger sizes.

I did have a minor....freak-out on Tuesday trying to decide what to wear. I felt that nothing fit and changed literally 6 times. Travis can attest to that.

I told my lady I want to be able to open my closet and just get anything and feel good in it.

But besides that things have been really nice. The weather is incredible, the front of the house is all weeded planted with flowers, little decorations and lined with bricks and rocks. I am very proud of our little yard.

Work's great besides one MAJOR person. Guess who. Besides him being a complete asshole to me. I love working with Natalie, Raj, Tim and even Jerry. We really are a family.

Travis has still been working 2 until almost midnight each night. He's so tired and making a lot of overtime. I am stockpiling all my money from cookies and dog treats for Vegas. My goal is to NOT touch it before. I should lock it up or get an unbreakable piggy bank.

Oliver is amazing as usual. Scratching me all the time and sleeping across my face. Can't complain.

On Tuesday I also parked my car in the back and washed it and cleaned it, it looks so good. Very proud.

Anywho, I told my lady that I had my little breakdown on Tuesday because I think I forgot that I am still recovering and not 'all better.' It snuck up on me and I lost it but it was good to remind me that this is still a process with ups and downs.

Crazy Pills

I feel like I'm on crazy pills. Oh wait, I am. This has been a hard couple days. I am still distraught over my clothes not fitting, so I have been boycotting them. I had a minor quiet breakdown last night. I was curled in a ball after work and couldn't move. Travis was so sweet and caring. I feel disconnected to my body and my distortion is out of control right now. I feel huge. I feel like I can't function. I have felt so guilty after eating my cereal the last few nights.

I am so afraid of my body most of the time right now.
I have to really focus on breathing. But ugh. I was on a roll and it's discouraging when it gets hard again.

I'd like to think 'I'm all better and over this' but days like the last few remind me that this isn't something I can just 'get over.' I find myself not being able to get ready in a reasonable time because I am criticizing over and over.

Rrrr.

Wording

I just read Blogxygen and she said she had an epiphany in therapy the other day. She said to her therapist "I wish I was skinny" and her lady said "You are still very thin, especially for someone at your height." And she realized that for so long she had used the words 'skinny' and 'emaciated' as the same thing. She realized she can be at a 'healthy weight' (which is terrifying to hear in therapy) and still be 'thin.' It's not black and white. But that's what my thought process was also. That I am either anorexic or fat. There is a healthy in between that can be thin as well.

Just thought that was cool reading that. Helpful.

Size

I had an ALMOST meltdown on Wednesday and Thursday oh and today. Why you ask? Well I thought I would try my jeans on. The ones I recently bought and they are really really tight....Then I put on the Diesel jeans.....Basically I freaked out.
Everything is getting tighter and I feel pretty numb about it.

I'm at work now and antsy about how to go about it.

Bleh.

I had really great days off and had a fun time. I almost stayed in Thursday because I felt ashamed of my body. I spent entirely too much time criticizing my body in front of the mirror. I wasn't able to spend as much time with Oliver or in the yard planting as I wanted to. That's the worst part of this disease, it takes away things you like to do.

:(

I just need some quiet nights and hugs.

Minimalist

I was reading Kim's blog and she had a great definition of what anorexia meant to her.

"To me, anorexia is a disease of the soul. The self-denial and restriction spill over to all areas of life, and food becomes just another metaphor, hinting at something much deeper and more profound."

I thought this was a really good explanation of what it means to me also.
She also wrote about what recovery means to her. Recovery is about learning that I deserve things and that it is okay to want. Want things for my life, for me, not for what my disease says to do.

"Recovery is about learning to want again. I've had to experiment with wanting. Dabble in it, so to speak. It hasn't felt natural. When I go out to eat and someone says they're "craving" something or "can't resist" something, these concepts are foreign to me. I want to ask, "What the hell is that like?" I've lived according to so many rules that I've muted wanting over the years. I've feared my wants, banned them from my mind, convinced they would overtake me, lure me into a state of overindulgence and -- shudder -- chaotic loss of control. I've had a very plain existence, with structure and limitations."

Less clutter, less chaos, more control.
Temptation, clutter, unease.

Gah!

Gah, I am anxious to the MAX right now. I'm at work and feel like I'm losing it. I've had a really rough few days with my body. I am looking down repeatedly at my stomach and can't seem to just stop. I notice that while I do this I am hunched over, puffing my stomach out and just holding it. Instead why don't I stand up straight and it goes away and I can breathe. Okay...
Breathing.

Positive things!
It's incredibly beautiful out!
I don't have to bake cookies tomorrow!
I get paid tonight!
I love my nut and monster kitten!

Honest Look

So I should take an honest look. I feel pretty anxious at work right now. Why? Because I had 2 bites of some Easter cake and 2 truffles last night. But, hey it's Easter right? Right now I feel 'obviously fat.' So that's my crazy voice and I just have to keep telling myself that just because I ate something 'scary' does not mean I am different than I was yesterday. And even more important, that no matter what I eat or what weight I am, I am still me.

Period.

Travis and I did our Easter last night. We exchanged Easter baskets and they were both so cute, then watched a good comedy show on Netflix.

It's really quiet at work, which is nice. I am really looking forward to my days off. Looks like next week I will have Weds and Thurs off, so it will be an 8 day work week, but on Tuesday I get the mid shift, which is nice.

Hungry

I'm hungry. Good thing I eat my snack in T Minus 20 minutes. I'm at work and it's Saturday. A sleep Saturday it seems like. I did hide Easter eggs throughout the rooms for guests and already constructed Travis' Easter basket :)

The week has been pretty good. I have felt pretty body confident. Lots of trips to the mirror in the bathroom at work to catch my breath and have a little sane time.

I am really enjoying the pilates everyday. I feel stronger already. It helps me appreciate my body for what it can do and to take care of it and I feel really good after. I switch between the abs and the whole body routines.

I can't believe tomorrow is Easter. I remember Easter last year really well. I worked at Paper Dreams until 7 and then Travis was working so I picked Mike up and we went to go see a show at the Buffalo, the March 5th Marching Band, we were there early so we went to the Ranch and sat with Sally the bartender and she made me this chamborde champagne drink. I remember it was when I had to do the 100 dozen cookies for BP in a couple weeks and I was freaking out the whole time. I drank a lot at the Buffalo and then I don't remember what we did after.

I was really thin and tired too. It was after the Spring Showcase and I was so stressed and anxious about money and the BP order.

But! This year! So different. I have....
- Sent out Easter cards to all my friends
-Made a pretty good basket for Travis :)
-Got so many tulips and flowers in the house it's awesome
-Am not going to pass out from lack of food.

April Time!

I can't believe it's April! Today while I'm here at work the Bellingham Spring Showcase is going on.
I can't believe it's been a year.
Last year it was in the Sportsplex and I remember being freezing. I also remember being starving the whole time. Big Fat Fish Company had appetizers and samples, some dessert place had all these incredible looking desserts and basically there was a ton of really great food. Guess what I ate? Half a Luna Bar.
I remember Aaron Devorak with Shucksan Golf Course brought me over some HOT homemade bread pudding thing, it smelled and looked amazing. When nobody was looking I threw it away.
I wish I could go this year to prove to myself that I can do what I want. But alas, I'm at work, that's okay.
I remember being so exhausted after the show. Cleaning up just sucked and I just wanted to be home.

So I have come a long way. Pretty good.

A Week in Review

It's Sunday at work and I have been obsessing about my body. I don't think I've gone 10 minutes without touching my stomach/area. Why's that? Well, I suppose I'm a little anxious, mainly because I went to Costco and had yummy samples, but alas that makes me anxious, which makes me obsess, which makes me think I look obviously fat compared to yesterday. (Enter Twilight Zone music) Crazy!

BUT. Let's recap shall we?

MONDAY! You mean FUNDAY! Well Monday was spent doing my pilates!!! (Which I adore), running a couple errands, cleaning like a mad person. Then Travis met Bryan at C. Hog and me and Jaime came after, we had lots of people and a big couch then ventured to the Ranch Room. After getting a ride home I had a big bowl of yummy cereal and sleeps. Overall day, pretty okay, I got to wear my new skirt, which I felt uncomfortable in but did it anyway.

TUESDAY! What a great day! For one, it was sunny, which always makes me happy. I ran to the Hog to get my car, I enjoy my jogs and I felt not too bad from the night before. I saw my lady and we laughed about my crazy thoughts. I always feel better equipped to conquer the e.d. voice after appts with her. At 3 I met all the girls at Jalapenos because it was Abby's day back! We had a great time, I failed to finish my Big Mama. Then real Mama picked me up and we went to Poppes. I love going to Poppes. We had a great time then the girls met me at my place, we had some champagne, baked some brownies, and headed to the Up and Up. I changed clothes because sadly my e.d. voice told me I now looked not okay in the clothes I was wearing. So sadly I put on more baggy clothes (bad). At the Up we got a big booth and a cider then finished the night at the Ranch. The girls waited for me while my cab came around 12 and at home I had another yummy bowl of cereal and fell asleep.


A very busy two days, lots of activity. Wednesday was rest day. I did my pilates, went to work and went to sleep early. Thursday I baked a little, went to work, and we watched Zombie Land. Friday was another nice night in, as well as Saturday.


I have been really anxious about my jeans. Because I know even the newer ones I bought are going to be tighter. So I have avoided them. I might try to wear them during my days off, but we'll see.

Updating

Updating....work's been good, anxiety has been alright. It's going. I have had a lot of fun going out with friends, it was incredibly fun to see Abby and hang out with all the girls, getting big mama's in the sunshine, seeing Autumn.

I get a little more used to my body each day. There are still hard days, but it's going alright.

I love the spring time :)
It really does make things better :)

I'm really enjoying my pilates! Today I did the core segment. Even though it's only 15 minutes, it makes me feel really good the rest of the day. It's also on the road to help me learn to respect, love, and feel my new body.

I am so afraid of touching my own body. i.e. my arms touching my sides, my thighs touching, my stomach, or whatever, Pilates forces you to get into weird positions, hold it, and roll around a lot (which I like). It's been weird to get used to. But I really like it so far.

Interesting post from 'Ed Bites', Carrie is talking about how anorexia made her feel special, because no matter what happened, at least she was the skinniest. This relates a lot to what my lady and I are talking about. Just odd how similar it is.

"The anorexia made me feel special, somehow. It made me feel like I was "The Best" when I was starving and over-exercising and losing weight. If I found out that anyone had eaten less than me that day (food poisoning, their own eating disorder), my brain flew into a tizzy and I felt compelled to exercise off every extra calorie or purge what was left in my system. Eating more than someone meant I wasn't "The Best," and if I wasn't "The Best," I was just average. My abnormally low weight played a role, too. Although I never fully bought into the (wrong) cultural idea that thin people are inherently "better" than those who are heavier, I was rather aware of this idea and it played a role in my ED. If I was the "thinnest," then I was "The Best." If I gained weight, I was only average, and average, as I've said before, is not something my perfectionistic brain likes to contemplate."


It's Sunday at work and I am beat. My eyes are beyond sleepy. We had a great time out last night and stayed up pretty late. With the rain today it's been a lazy day for sure. At least work is quiet. I cannot wait to be home, wash my face really well and get some good sleep.

Update

It's Friday at work and I love how beautiful it is outside. With the longer days it makes work go by a lot faster. It also has made me wake up a lot earlier. The last couple days I've been up around 9:30-10. Which is nice, I was able to do some cleaning and even planted my flower bulb in a new bowl.

The Buspar is going nicely, I get to pick up more tomorrow. This week has been nice. Monday we went out to the Copper Hog and actually got home pretty early. I had a wonderful bowl of cereal, which I need to start mixing up soon, in a rut.

Tuesday we lurked around then I went to Hog with my dad, had a great time, then went to NYP with Bryan and Rissy. I ordered the artichoke dip for everyone! I believe I had 3 pieces! Only bad part, I burned the top of my mouth super bad and it's still burnt! For dinner I had the scary Bacon Spinich Salad, it came with 2 pieces of bread that I ate too! It was wonderful.

Wednesday we stayed in for St. Patrick's. When I got off work I tried on my jeans...holy hell they are tight. I mean, they fit like a glove, which yes is good and the goal, but so scary. I wore them around the house for a bit then got comfy clothes on, it was scary, but I want to get used to them.

I also did an honest inventory of my clothes, including too small undies, which had to go. So my closet feels much lighter. The beginning of spring cleaning.

Daily Gratitude
-I started with my daily pilates! There's a pilates workout that's 15 minutes on OnDemand, and I did it today! It burned! As I was doing the little leg lifts and arm lifts Oliver kept attacking me. So along with a good workout, I also have good scratches. But Oliver will still be my pilates buddy.
-The Weather is amazing! It was too warm for my coat!
-The beginnings of spring cleaning!
-My ladies are finally on Spring Break!
-Cereal!

Sunday Thoughts

Today has been the typical lazy Sunday, yet before work was quite something...

Let's start from the beginning. Last night after work I met Val at Copper Hog, then Tim, Scott, and Travis came. We stayed until close then all went back to our house for some more cocktails and chats. We had (scary time!) Smoked Gouda Cheese with Kashi crackers that were fabulous, brownies that I had made, and Digiorno pizza. I ate with everyone else, I had cheese, a brownie and even a piece and a half of pizza! Little did we know, due to the 'Spring Ahead' it was 4:30 by the time everyone left.

THEN, I got up at 12ish and made the mistake of....flushing the kitty litter down the toilet...yes I know. This is of course while Travis is sleeping. I then proceed to overflow the toilet and get about an inch of water covering the whole bathroom. Of course I have no plunger, I get one from the neighbor and plunge away. I fix it then use all our towels to clean it up, and throw them away. THEN I have to run to my car at Copper Hog. I get done with it all around 1:45. Busy morning....

But that led me to go to Freddy's to get fun things!
Including...
-Scrubbing bubbles bleach gel cleaner!!!!
-Comet!!!!
-New bath towels!!!!!
-A lamp for our bedside table!!!!

After finally getting to work I was pretty tired. I am really tired now. I have felt okay today about eating last night. I've had my moments but I don't regret it.

Saturday Thoughts

As I stand here on one foot at the Bellwether Desk I have a wave of anxiety rush on me, then I realize there's nothing to be anxious about, so I am able to make it go away. Why is this? Buspar? Zoloft? Coming into myself more? As....dare I say it...a woman?

You know what is so crazy. The last week or so I've felt more like a woman than I ever have. I mean this in the way of my body. I feel like my weight has distributed throughout my body and I am more used to my curves and feel......oh gosh sexy? It's weird. I do believe I look a lot better than I did last summer. I do believe I am prettier now because I have color in my face, my hair is more shiney, my skin is better, my body isn't gross. I get a million more compliments now than I ever have.

So. I feel pretty okay right now :) I'm pretty damn lucky.

Feeling:

-Comfortable
-Happy
-A teeny bit hungry

Wanting:
-For work to be done so we can go out and play! It's been a while.
-For Herzog not to show up so I can take my jacket off.
-A Boomer's burger, Digiorno Pizza, or Chili?

Because:
-I am feeling ready to go out and wear my cute new flannel shirt. Plus Nick is in town and wants to hang out.
-See above
-I am craving weird things. Wait, I am craving NOT rice cakes! For once I am craving real normal food. I haven't bought rice cakes in over a week and I have no desire to.

Procrastinating on:
-Well, I have a good chunk in my savings account. We got the plane and hotel tickets. We just have to pay the parents back for the plane tickets. Rest of the bills are paid for right now. Groceries bought.
-Nothing really?

Daily Gratitude:
-I'm glad it was sunny out to take a short jog.
-I got 2 wonderful new amazing kitty toys at Clarks!
-I had a really good Chai Latte.

LOTR and Anorexia

This is a great idea from Blogxygen. So I will play too!!! Who would play who if my life in recovery were the Lord of the Rings series. Here’s what I came up with:

I would be Frodo.

My eating disorder is the ring/Sauron/the eye. (BITCH)

Travis would be Sam-wise Gamgee because
a. He’s in love with me and I'm a girl not a little furry hobbit, so it's not gay.
b. He follows me around, or gets drug by me, to lurk and do odd adventures.
c. He would take the ring from me if he could and destroy it.
d. When I allow it, he cooks for me, not rabbit stew.
e. He buys flowers for me.

My lady, the therapist, would be Gandalf the Grey because she’s rescued me from myself and my denial of a real eating disorder. She's incredibly wise and knows everything about the 'eye'. She’s leading the journey against me destroying the RING aka Eating Disorder and knows that I, Frodo, am the only one that can fling it into the fiery depths of Mordor.

Dr. Floyd would be Aragorn. They’re both VERY good looking and have kind eyes. .Aragorn gives Frodo lots of good advice and makes Frodo step on his sword to weigh her.

My ladys and friends are Pippin and Meri, the other hobbits. They are helping along the journey to destroy the ring. They keep me entertained with big hugs, lots of laughs, second breakfasts and PINTS!

Mama is Gimli, that’s a COMPLIMENT because I just love Gimli. He never wavers in his quest to help Frodo and fights hell and high water to make sure he succeeds.

Papa's Legolas. Both super organized and calculating and Legolas and my dad never miss anything they’re trying to do and what they aim for they always achieve. If my dad has my recovery on his to-do list, then dammit, it’ll get done!

My old doctor (who shall not be named), would be Boramir because she’s a decietful, cold lady who went all rogue and just told me to say screw the quest and go to Wisconsin. Mordor is not on the way to Wisconsin. She started out good, and on the quest with me, then tried to just say screw it and forgot about me due to her own insanities.

Who would be Gollom? I can throw him in the ring with my eating disorder/the battle between wanting to get better and wanting to continue. So devious!!!