Okay, last night we had a really great long talk that was needed.
I got a lot out and I want to write it all down.
I am really struggling with my perception of my body. We went out last night and when we got home I had my 'safe' bowl of cereal then we just kept chatting away and pizza was ordered. We sat and I had a few of the cinnamon sticks then worked on a piece of pizza. After that I just lost it. I felt so much regret/shame/hatred/etc.
My day was as follows. I felt 'not fat' before work and it was nice and sunny out. At work I had my usual: Latte, Luna bar, Rockstar, carrots, and pretzels. Then we went out, I had a Blueberry Stoli and Bartender Lemonade. At home I had a bowl of Special K. Then some cinnamon sticks and a piece of pizza-->Enter 'Freak out.'
I felt guilty because 'I shouldn't have had the pizza or cinnamon sticks'
Travis is remarkable when it comes to talking to me about all of it. He asks me very pragmatic straight forward questions that don't cater towards the disordered thinking.
Have I become 'less' worthy of a person by gaining weight? No.
Have I become 'less intelligent?' No
Have I become 'hideous' and 'overweight?' No
It was a very emotional, hard night. But a wonderful talk and discussion and reassurance of remembering I am in a very very difficult part of my recovery.
I remember when I was 76 pounds and I thought i I reached 80 I would absolutely be a 'lost cause' It terrified me. The ounces would terrify me.
Then I remember when I saw that I was 83 and just cried and cried and felt so out of control. It was at this point where I decided that I no longer wanted to know or see my weight. Ever.
Now, I'm not that nieve that I think I'm still 85 or 90 pounds, but I would just like to live in that world right now. I am so afraid of it all.
I could use a big hug right now.
Anyway. This is a scattered post.
I feel awful :( I'm trying so hard, and I am trying to recognize that and be kind and forgiving to myself.
All I know is that I am beyond lucky to have Travis be so incredibly understanding of this disease and how it works.
I got a lot out and I want to write it all down.
I am really struggling with my perception of my body. We went out last night and when we got home I had my 'safe' bowl of cereal then we just kept chatting away and pizza was ordered. We sat and I had a few of the cinnamon sticks then worked on a piece of pizza. After that I just lost it. I felt so much regret/shame/hatred/etc.
My day was as follows. I felt 'not fat' before work and it was nice and sunny out. At work I had my usual: Latte, Luna bar, Rockstar, carrots, and pretzels. Then we went out, I had a Blueberry Stoli and Bartender Lemonade. At home I had a bowl of Special K. Then some cinnamon sticks and a piece of pizza-->Enter 'Freak out.'
I felt guilty because 'I shouldn't have had the pizza or cinnamon sticks'
Travis is remarkable when it comes to talking to me about all of it. He asks me very pragmatic straight forward questions that don't cater towards the disordered thinking.
Have I become 'less' worthy of a person by gaining weight? No.
Have I become 'less intelligent?' No
Have I become 'hideous' and 'overweight?' No
It was a very emotional, hard night. But a wonderful talk and discussion and reassurance of remembering I am in a very very difficult part of my recovery.
I remember when I was 76 pounds and I thought i I reached 80 I would absolutely be a 'lost cause' It terrified me. The ounces would terrify me.
Then I remember when I saw that I was 83 and just cried and cried and felt so out of control. It was at this point where I decided that I no longer wanted to know or see my weight. Ever.
Now, I'm not that nieve that I think I'm still 85 or 90 pounds, but I would just like to live in that world right now. I am so afraid of it all.
I could use a big hug right now.
Anyway. This is a scattered post.
I feel awful :( I'm trying so hard, and I am trying to recognize that and be kind and forgiving to myself.
All I know is that I am beyond lucky to have Travis be so incredibly understanding of this disease and how it works.
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