Okay. So I know why I have been so anxious yesterday and today, obviously because my days off were switched and it freaked me out because then in my head I had to 'rethink' my 'plan' for the week.
My plan? What does this really consist of? It consists of control and not to be spontaneous. Example:
Last night I got off work and Travis had a friend over then they were going to go to Rumors to see Mallory and Moses, he asked if I wanted to go because we hadn't seen them for a long time. I said yes, went in to change, felt 'fat, not worthy, "shouldn't go out, etc' and ended up staying in alone. Of course he had a great time and I know I would have too. But I was afraid of the guilt I might feel the next day.
Hence, today. He's having a bbq tonight around 7, I have no idea if people will still be there when I get home, if we're going out, if anything. So I have been super anxious today about that too.
I'm disappointed that last night I let my 'sick' self dictate what I did with my night. I did not LOOK any different than I had the day before or the week before but my disordered thoughts were so strong last night and the guilt was so close that I panicked, and gave in.
Bad.
So now here I am anxious at work trying to breathe and relax. I want to be open to whatever happens when I get home. If there are people over, or if we go out, or if there's food to eat, just to 'go with it.' Easier said than done especially me.
What made me start writing this early in my shift is what I read at 'Bearing, Eating, Being' It was really sweet and made me think of not everything has to be about food/exercise/guilt/diciplin.
"Everything changes when you have an eating disorder. Your reference points for brave and courage acts change; your definitions of “easy” and “hard” tasks change, and your view of yourself becomes smaller and less powerful."
My plan? What does this really consist of? It consists of control and not to be spontaneous. Example:
Last night I got off work and Travis had a friend over then they were going to go to Rumors to see Mallory and Moses, he asked if I wanted to go because we hadn't seen them for a long time. I said yes, went in to change, felt 'fat, not worthy, "shouldn't go out, etc' and ended up staying in alone. Of course he had a great time and I know I would have too. But I was afraid of the guilt I might feel the next day.
Hence, today. He's having a bbq tonight around 7, I have no idea if people will still be there when I get home, if we're going out, if anything. So I have been super anxious today about that too.
I'm disappointed that last night I let my 'sick' self dictate what I did with my night. I did not LOOK any different than I had the day before or the week before but my disordered thoughts were so strong last night and the guilt was so close that I panicked, and gave in.
Bad.
So now here I am anxious at work trying to breathe and relax. I want to be open to whatever happens when I get home. If there are people over, or if we go out, or if there's food to eat, just to 'go with it.' Easier said than done especially me.
What made me start writing this early in my shift is what I read at 'Bearing, Eating, Being' It was really sweet and made me think of not everything has to be about food/exercise/guilt/diciplin.
"I remember sitting next to a pool on one of my rare off days that month, watching the missionary family I was with enjoy a box of Chips Ahoy that had been sent to them from the States. The little girl asked me, “why don’t you eat some?”
I ate a sleeve and couldn’t remember the last time I had let myself do anything like that. Here I was, in freaking Honduras traveling BY MYSELF for a month, killing tarantulas and sleeping on floors and wandering through mudslides–and eating a sleeve of Chips Ahoy was brave""Everything changes when you have an eating disorder. Your reference points for brave and courage acts change; your definitions of “easy” and “hard” tasks change, and your view of yourself becomes smaller and less powerful."
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