Finally I can think because the crazy woman at work just left and I can finally write.
So. I had 3 days off this week, which in the past I would go into panic mode and lurk around the entire third day out of anxiety and such. I've had plenty of those days. So Wednesday was my last day off. I was really tired from an eventful two days before and had no desire to even leave the house until about 5.
At 5 I figured I wanted to go get something to eat because I wasn't really feeling cereal. I went to Haggen and probably looked really odd just staring and deciding forever.
I actually went with what I WANTED which was this pack of whole grain rice veggie sushi. It looked so good and I actually got it, I smiled at the little sushi chef and giggled, it was like Christmas or something, I felt I was doing something so wrong and getting away with it.
Then I walked past the cheese island. I bought one of the snack sized cheeses and got some fire roasted vegetable Kashi crackers to go with it. I figured to top it off I wanted some chocolate. I got a little box of 4 whitman's chocolates and a cider.
I was so giddy at home I made a little cheese and cracker plate and snacked on the sushi throughout the night. Then I even took out a tiny bit of cookie dough and baked 2 cookies to eat.
Basically, what I'm getting at is that I felt that whole experience was so 'wrong.' I felt incredibly awful and guilty around 11 but thanks to Travis was able to lay there and watch a really good movie and try to be kind to myself.
There's a sense of scary freedom when I give myself the opportunity to get anything I want, not based on the 'rules.' I like these moments of freedom and I think they are becoming more common.
So. I had 3 days off this week, which in the past I would go into panic mode and lurk around the entire third day out of anxiety and such. I've had plenty of those days. So Wednesday was my last day off. I was really tired from an eventful two days before and had no desire to even leave the house until about 5.
At 5 I figured I wanted to go get something to eat because I wasn't really feeling cereal. I went to Haggen and probably looked really odd just staring and deciding forever.
I actually went with what I WANTED which was this pack of whole grain rice veggie sushi. It looked so good and I actually got it, I smiled at the little sushi chef and giggled, it was like Christmas or something, I felt I was doing something so wrong and getting away with it.
Then I walked past the cheese island. I bought one of the snack sized cheeses and got some fire roasted vegetable Kashi crackers to go with it. I figured to top it off I wanted some chocolate. I got a little box of 4 whitman's chocolates and a cider.
I was so giddy at home I made a little cheese and cracker plate and snacked on the sushi throughout the night. Then I even took out a tiny bit of cookie dough and baked 2 cookies to eat.
Basically, what I'm getting at is that I felt that whole experience was so 'wrong.' I felt incredibly awful and guilty around 11 but thanks to Travis was able to lay there and watch a really good movie and try to be kind to myself.
There's a sense of scary freedom when I give myself the opportunity to get anything I want, not based on the 'rules.' I like these moments of freedom and I think they are becoming more common.
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