At this moment I feel great. The best part is probably 90% of my moments I feel like this.
I didn't believe for a second I could weigh this much (I have no idea actually), feel this great, think I look good, and be this happy. But hey all those 'doctors' were right.
I was just looking at one of the blogs I used to religiously read this time last year, Blogxygen. She was the one that had the feeding tube on and off and lost her second child because she was so sick. I read her blog so much because she was so honest and raw with all the feelings during recovery. The hate, the kicking and screaming, the moments of feeling good then the huge drops of thinking she couldn't do it and didn't want to and wanted to retreat into a cave.
Been there done that. Thinking I could fool my doctors and nutritionists. Well she stopped blogging for a long time, which I sort of did. Then she had this recap of her weighing so much more, healthy, working again and happy. It was really cool to see that she is so far in her recovery. I got a little giddy inside.
I never really thought there could be this much recovery from that sickness. I just could not for the life of me picture myself weighing more than 90 pounds. I put so much stress on that. So much of me was consumed of the routine and the rules.
Today me and Travis went grocery shopping and before, shopping was a long painful task of reading the calories of only cereal and if I was feeling adventurous yogurt. Well today yeah I got the nonfat yogurt, but it has about 100 more calories than the one I would normally get. Also, Travis had to reassure me that I could get anything. It's a very freeing concept and idea. Do I feel like crackers or chips? It's no big deal if I do or don't. Freedom.
Anyway. Basically I'm feeling pretty good and pretty proud. Yes I have my hard times, a recent hard week but I know that this eventually does go away. The anxiety goes away. The shame and guilt lessens and I am soon back to myself.
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