So I have done a poor job of updating. So time for a meaningful update.
It's the end of August and fall is right around the corner. The nights are crisper, cooler, the leaves in the backyard are piling up. It's bittersweet. I had a great summer. Our BBQ's, Vegas, Mariner's Game. I'm anxious for fall because that means heavier clothes. I want them to be form fitting, but I am still so afraid of my 'form' that I still often times do what I can to hide it.
This led me to ask why am I so afraid of my 'form.' Why do I feel the need to conceal it. I know this relates back to when I was sick and emaciated, I thought that was 'thin.' And now I feel fat, frumpy, let go etc. It is really difficult for me to believe that I am still 'thin' or 'petite'.
I also feel foreign in my body. I don't know how to really walk/stand/present myself. I was always so hunched over and tried to blend in.
The other thing I was thinking about was why does part of me want to be as emaciated as I once was? A part of me mourns and longs for when I was that sick. Why? Nothing was better than, than things are now. It's that odd part of the disease that tries to make me believe these things.
Another note...work's been slowing down, I'm really hoping we get to move back to wearing black or blue for bottoms instead of khakis. I have been having a lot of trouble working in my khaki skirts and khaki pants. They are much much tighter than when I first got them, which is awful and obvious. But I have had zero luck trying to find another option. It makes my time before work anxious.
Along with anxiety about the fall and holidays I am also really excited. I want desperately to embrace my body with sweaters, boots, tight jeans and hats. Why do I convince myself that I can't 'pull that off' or 'don't deserve to wear those things.? That's a major goal of mine.
It's the end of August and fall is right around the corner. The nights are crisper, cooler, the leaves in the backyard are piling up. It's bittersweet. I had a great summer. Our BBQ's, Vegas, Mariner's Game. I'm anxious for fall because that means heavier clothes. I want them to be form fitting, but I am still so afraid of my 'form' that I still often times do what I can to hide it.
This led me to ask why am I so afraid of my 'form.' Why do I feel the need to conceal it. I know this relates back to when I was sick and emaciated, I thought that was 'thin.' And now I feel fat, frumpy, let go etc. It is really difficult for me to believe that I am still 'thin' or 'petite'.
I also feel foreign in my body. I don't know how to really walk/stand/present myself. I was always so hunched over and tried to blend in.
The other thing I was thinking about was why does part of me want to be as emaciated as I once was? A part of me mourns and longs for when I was that sick. Why? Nothing was better than, than things are now. It's that odd part of the disease that tries to make me believe these things.
Another note...work's been slowing down, I'm really hoping we get to move back to wearing black or blue for bottoms instead of khakis. I have been having a lot of trouble working in my khaki skirts and khaki pants. They are much much tighter than when I first got them, which is awful and obvious. But I have had zero luck trying to find another option. It makes my time before work anxious.
Along with anxiety about the fall and holidays I am also really excited. I want desperately to embrace my body with sweaters, boots, tight jeans and hats. Why do I convince myself that I can't 'pull that off' or 'don't deserve to wear those things.? That's a major goal of mine.
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