A Year

I feel like I'm at a funny place with my eating disorder. I feel like it has it's last hooks in me trying to do anything to drag me back or to look down on my progress and call it failure. Removing my disorder, I am happy with my body. I have 100% energy, in my 'normal mind' I don't think I'm fat, I like my new curves and I smile and jump around more. Whenever I get anxious or worried, or something happens at work or anything of that sort that's when the little voice sneaks in.

It says things like 'Your jeans don't fit, you need to keep them to fit into them again'
'You would look better even if you lost 10 pounds'
'You've let yourself go'
'You're frumpy now, not unique, like everything other girl.'

Because my anorexia was so much of my identity I have had to face the fact that it was not a part of me, just a time in my life, so I've had to rediscover myself. What do I like? Hobbies? Who am I for the first time as a 'woman' and by woman I mean really in a woman's body for the first time. How do I walk? How do I hold myself? I feel very uncomfortable with feeling 'sexy' because I was so emaciated for so long that there was nothing sexy there, which was safe for me.

I bought a pair of jeans at Buffalo Exchange the other week because I had tried on all my jeans in my drawer the Saturday before. The Diesel, Big Star, American Eagle and they were all a MAJOR struggle to even button. This left me feeling dismayed. So at Buffalo I tried on a pair and they fit. When I got home to try to wear them I couldn't do it yet. I felt absolutely enormous and like a complete failure. So I ended up wearing a dress.

I have made progress with wearing more form fitting things, I have been wearing fitting tank tops and even some of my dresses show off my curves. I feel so exposed with form fitting things and it seems that the voice is amplified when I wear things like that. If I'm busy and with people I can drown it out and enjoy myself, but it is still a struggle.

As for jeans, I just don't know. I was going to hold onto the Diesel's because I had actually worn them out last month I think, and now that they are EVEN tighter I have been thinking 'Am I gaining weight too fast? Is this healthy? Am I just going to keep going and going?'

It's hard because I really want to enjoy each moment. At work this week both Wednesday and Thursday I sat in my car in the garage and said to myself 'How about I just try to go the whole shift without slouching, poofing my stomach out, rubbing my stomach, and telling myself I'm fat' Well I didn't succeed. I have a lot of good moments but I just cannot seem to make it a whole shift.

I had a day off on Sunday and again in the morning I said to myself ' Okay, I am just with me this whole day, it's a me day, forgive myself and just enjoy my body and relax' Well you can guess how that went. Not that well, it wasn't awful, but I still spent a lot of time rubbing my stomach, hips, arms, waist, and got more and more anxious.

They should make something like Anorexia Mittens, where if you try to touch yourself you get shocked or something.


Anywho. I have been thinking about this a lot because my birthday is tomorrow and I remember last year's very well. I remember what I wore, my ripped jeans (Which now can barely button) a black tank top, checkered scarf and big yellow sweatshirt along with my black hat. The pictures from that night I don't like, I do think I look like a little boy and don't have any glow. I remember we drank then went to Bryan's to hang out and I was so hungry that I looked through their pantry and ate a piece of their bread. Then Travis was so sweet and got me a Greek Pita from Pita Pit (my first Pita in probably 2 years). I remember eating it and just enjoying it so so much then I lost it. I told him we had to leave, I was so so so so guilty I could hardly bare it. We walked home and I cried my eyes out all the way home. I cried at home hysterical.

That was not so much fun.

So yeah.
Thoughts.