It's been a while

It's been a long time since I've updated. Things are pretty much the same. I am in the midst of phone tag with my lady to make an appointment and keep them going every other week.
I feel like I'm at one of those points where I could either stay static, slip back or who knows. It's hard so I figured I need more constant talking about stuff.

The 11-7 shifts are nice because I'm busy pretty much the whole time. The anxiety comes when I get home. I don't have the structure of my normal 3-11 shift eating times.

3-11 usually consists of having cereal of some sort in the morning (12pm) then a couple energy drinks at work, possible snacking on things at work, eating my Luna bar around 7 or 8, snacking on a little bowl of pretzel mix around 9 then usually at home either having cereal, popcorn, oatmeal.

When I'm off at 7 I've been really anxious. I haven't come up with a good solution quite yet. I got some more yogurt and granola and peaches. I'm not sure really...

Anxiety Comes in Waves

Funny how my lady was right about that...

The hardest thing is to remember that the anxiety will go down. Nothing is forever.

Today's been a good day. Great time at the gym with Travis, fun busy night at work (busy work that is) and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel called a 'weekend.'

Breathing

I've been feeling extremely crazy lately. My days off were full of anxiety because I didn't get to see Travis during them and I didn't really have plans. And not having plans for me equals anxiety. I've always been like that and I have to work extra hard to relax.

My day back at work Wednesday was hard and I was "feeling" fat. Thursday was stressful too. Friday I felt a little better. It's still very up and down throughout each day and from each day.

Travis is so incredible and patient with me. I can't believe I found him. He is my rock, my soul person, my love and my biggest supporter. How lucky am I?

Work was stressing me out last week from the shift issues and not having enough people to work, no days off with Travis etc. Natalie was amazing enough to trade me a day off with Travis. I know things will eventually fall into place with the schedule from hiring more people this week so I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've also had to take a step back and be thankful for having a job, that I do love, I love my co-workers, I work next door to Travis, we have the most beautiful home and adorable cat. I'm so lucky.

So this is me breathing. Day by day.

Thursday

It's Thursday at work (my Tuesday). Travis was off today as usual and he went fishing. I'm super jealous I couldn't have been off with him. Apparently it's also Gaga vs. Kesha night at Glow, of course. 

We are going to Nimbus for late night after work though to celebrate our anniversary. I'm glad we're going :)

I had good days off and felt good. I hate not having a day off with Travis. I'm so bored but I did well not obsessing and being too crazy. 

I feel pretty good now too at work, not enormous or whatnot. I got these Lululemon shorts that I love and have been wearing, they make me feel good when I'm at home. 

Went to the Y today also and I rode the bike again. I've done that twice and feel really different after as opposed to running, it's a good change. 

We also went to Bonnie's after to move her bed into storage. I'm so excited when we can bring it home!! eeeek! Of course my dad's truck is in the shop though. Ugh. 

Anywho, it's almost 9 at work and I'm so so anxious and ready to be off. Our reservations are at 11, so I hope I can get there at 11. 

Sundayf

It's finally my Friday. I'm so ready to have some days off, I only wish they were with Travis.
I'm editing the anxiety scale---> 1-5
    1 being relaxed, calm, awesome etc
    5 being crazy, want to curl in a ball

So today I'm at a 4. I literally sat in the bathroom for a little bit just to breath.
Triggers?
   We had a great time with all our friends at Autumn's house making brunch and sitting in the sun. When I got home I was faced with the dreaded task of putting work clothes on. I put on everything I had and just couldn't do it. So I'm seriously slumming it today, I have a skirt with my shirt untucked and have rubbed my stomach a million times today.

I want to be HoMe so so bad. It's gloomy out too.
Boo

Friday

It's not really my Friday, it's my Wednesday. The last couple days I've actually felt pretty good. I've felt pretty okay about my body. 

I went for a really great run today to my car at the Hog.

I'm sad though that the schedule has my next days off on another Monday & Tuesday. So no zoo trip in the foreseeable future :( I suppose it's okay because maybe it will keep getting nicer out and we can go on a hot day. I know I have some days requested off in July, so who knows. 

Le sigh* I'm pretty sleepy today. We went out last night and had a lot of fun. 

Better

I've felt better today than yesterday.
Anxiety is down to probably a steady 4

Day 2 of Long Week

9 Day work week------>Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, 

Anxiety today from 1-10 (10 being worse) Probably a consistent 7. 

I do not like how my skirt fits, I've been obsessively rubbing my stomach.

On my scale of 1-5 I've felt around 2.5? Not too swell.

I'm trying hard and I've sort of been able to keep my head remotely screwed on right. 

Last night once again I forgot to take my ZOLOFT! I have a great plan of crushing it up and eating it which will stop the hurting but I forgot.

Tonight I will take it for certain. Forgot my Buspar today too, ugh. 

Home Home Home

Only 25 minutes left. 

Back to Work

Well I had my days off and they were really great.
Friday I felt 100% better than the day before when I was super weepy while playing Scrabble at the coffee house. I had energy, I went to Poppes and had some pita & hummus, I went to the Ranch Room with people, then we went dancing at Rumors, I had a great time, jammed my thumb and felt like my feet were bleeding from dancing.

Saturday I went to the market, got a Sno Cone (crazy scary), walked around downtown, went to Zuanich Park to read, picked up some Tzaiki dip at Trader Joe's and popcorn, had Tzaiki w/ carrots, celery, & crackers, took a nap (not intentional), had my popcorn w/ a strawberries & creme frappachino. Then tried the two different Ben & Jerry's we got (a little bit).

I wasn't feeling sick or stuffed when I went to bed, I felt pretty okay.

I woke up today feeling okay, probably a 3.9-4. We had breakfast at Harris Avenue and I had the oatmeal, fruit, and a piece of toast. I still felt good after, actually still hungry.

Trigger for the day? Putting my work skirt on. MAJOR CHAOS.
The previous 3-4 days of work I had been wearing my pants, bc when I'm feeling huge they help for whatever reason, they sit low etc. I put my skirt on today and almost had a meltdown. To me I look 5 months pregnant. I was absolutely sickened, but was running late for work so just went with it. I've had my skirt hiked all the way below my hip bones, bc if I pull it up where it usually is I want to cry and vomit.

This sucks man :(

Hopefully through the night I feel a little better...
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Edit---> News flash, I work 10 days in a row again. Awesome. Get to miss me and Travis' 3 year anniversary.
So sad

**EDIT**

I would just like to say that I am now at more of a 3.5-3.9 on my scale.
What happened?
I occupied myself with working on my blogs, smiled more, moved around, which helped with digestion/moving etc issues..

So basically fuck yeah!
:)

Crazy

I feel crazy. So the last post I was talking about how drastically my days are from one to the next. Today I feel 100% different than I did Monday and 75% than Tuesday.

Why? Guilt, remorse, regret, anger over 'eating too much' in my mind. 

Recap time!

Monday 

-Baby Luna, chips & salsa at Autumn's with 2 baby corn tortilla quesadillas w/ bean dip, at home later on I had some popcorn, then we went to Haggen and I got a piece of strawberry rubharb pie, skinny cow single serving strawberry cheesecake ice cream. 

Tuesday 

-Baby Luna, baby carrots & celery w/ spicy salsa, Trader Joe's popcorn, some crackers from TJ's w/2 slices of cheddar cheese. 

I was so sad and upset about it all, when I write it down it doesn't look like a lot for a full day. It feels totally different. 

I've decided to make a scale on how I feel about my body. That I will evaluate each day and give it a whirl

1-5

1  Meaning :Frumpy, fat, that nothing in my closet fits, sweats are even uncomfortable , no way in hell I'd be going out anywhere. Rubbing my stomach probably a couple times each minute, looking down and just seeing fat, being distorted in the mirror insanely, measuring my thighs and arms and then judging. 

5 Meaning: Feeling small, slender, toned, ready to try on anything in my closet. The best day to go clothes shopping. Energetic, sexual, fierce. Looking down and seeing a toned stomach, lean legs and good arms. 

Today when I woke up I felt probably at a 3, we went to the gym, came home and then right before work it sank to a 2. I tried on literally 3 different options for work and just gave up and went with the pants so I could wear the tank top underneath that I feel hidden and safe in. Work's been at about a 2 the whole time.

Honestly I need to take my Zoloft, I'm sure that's made a huge impact on my mind the last month. I haven't taken it since the last time it hurt my entire throat and it was painful to swallow and breathe. I need to try it tonight, I'm scared and hope it doesn't hurt. 

Anywho, I'm feeling a little better now after evaluating this. It helps to put a number on my feelings towards my body, puts it in perspective. I think I'm more at a 2.9 now.

Day By Day

It always amazes me how drastically each day can be from the next.
Yesterday I felt absolutely awful.
Today was almost 100% better.
Right now? At 10:51pm I feel about 70% of how I felt this morning.
Why?
 -I ate quesadillas, beans, chips, salsa, popcorn.


I'm trying to hold on and WILL be okay tomorrow. I will. Breathe.

I Am Me.

Breathing

Two posts in one day! Wow right? I am in a better place than I was this morning. This morning I was so down and in 'mourning' for feeling huge.

Work has kept me busy and occupied. I'll notice in conversations with people I'll be 'out of my body' then for whatever reason I'll sink back into it and notice I am holding my stomach or rubbing it. A kind of reassurance.

It's 8:15pm now and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That meaning home.

I can't wait to be home safe with Travis and Oliver.

Hard

Yesterday was hard. I felt so awful in my body. I felt foreign and it brought me down all day and all night. There were brief moments of clarity but not many.

Today I feel like I have a cold, I didn't go running because of that and of course it stacks on top of me loathing my body.

I'm hunched over right now with a pillow in my lap while Oliver is sitting on my bag. I'm dreading putting on work clothes. Thinking maybe wearing my pants instead of skirt.

:( I'm weepy which doesn't help either.

Not Oatmeal

That's what I've been thinking about today. The fact that for our weekly breakfast out I had 'not oatmeal.' I still check the menu if we go to a new restaurant before hand. And for some reason I thought I had seen this menu, but I remember now it was Skylark's I had looked at.

Skylark's had oatmeal. The Bistro on Magnolia, does not.

I frantically looked down the whole menu to find something 'safe.' I saw porridge, but right away the waitress came over to inform us that they were out of the porridge. (fuck).

The next 'safe' thing I found were the scrambles. The biscuits and gravy were out of the question, so I browsed the scrambles to find the one that didn't have meat. The mushroom and leek scramble was my best bet. It had goat cheese, which is better for me than say chedder or american.

Anywho, in a silent fit of anxiety I waited for my food. Thank god they were reasonably small portions, not like IHop or Denny's shit. It did come with a portion of hash browns and a piece of toast. I ate all of my food. I know that eggs are good for you and for a lot of people's blogs I read on eating disorders a lot of them would eat egg whites etc, so I was able to compromise in my crazy head.

I finished breakfast and tried to relax the rest of the day, which I could until I had to put on the dreaded work clothes. This is what I measure myself on most days. How the clothes fit. I feel like they hardly do or that it's completely different than the day before.

Work's been hard tonight, a lot of anxiety, tummy rubbing, loathing. I'm also trying to balance it with keeping busy, blogging, cleaning up files on my computer, doing all the tasks at work etc.

So, tomorrow is another day. It's going to be okay. I did notice that I was full literally all night from that breakfast. I didn't eat my Luna bar until 8:30 and that was just because I was bored.

Hopefully tomorrow's better!

Micro Managing

The less time I spend controlling my weight and body the more time I see myself trying to control everything around me.

Not exactly everything but work is a good example. Basically I don't trust anyone to get things done. When I do, something goes wrong and it's 'my fault' because I should have 'checked.'

Now this used to be a huge problem for me but now that I get paid more and have a new title, I don't get nearly as frustrated.

But I see my patience for people getting thinner and thinner. Sometimes I have to gather myself so I gain back some compassion.

This is unfortunate because I do not want to be a controlling person who has no compassion or time or patiences for others...maybe it's a sign to stay away from customer service....I think it may be.

Hrm.

That's all on that subject for now.

I'm working 11-7 tomorrow which is nice because it goes a lot faster than 3-11. Also, it's my Friday. Thank Fuck.

It's been a better body week than last. I haven't felt too horrid.

Breathe!

Thinking Back

Triggers-Anxiety-Obsessing etc

Including: Stress from worrying about other's lack of trying...i.e. I like when people take it upon themselves to be responsible because I feel like I am the one that cleans up the mess. I do everything and to hear huffs and puffs about people 'having' to do one thing makes me so angry. It makes me immediately redirect it to my body/eating/etc.

It's really frustrating.

I had a great weekend but a scary food weekend. Anxiety raising issues include: I ate a burrito, 1 1/2 actually, chips & salsa, I ate a form of Chinese food (even though I looked for the healthiest thing on the menu), a seasonal salad at Hearthfire (why this bothers me for some reason? I don't know), at breakfast I had my oatmeal then maybe a quarter of an english biscuit muffin thing, of course then going home I could only lay on my stomach for 2 hours to force myself to ignore the 'full feeling' i.e. 'Evil feeling'

Hrm. The old nutritionist came in AGAIN today to the hotel. That's twice in one week and I hate the way she looks at me.

I got pictures from dancing one night and there are a few where (to me) I look absolutely enormous and disgusting. I was so disappointed in myself seeing those. I refuse to look at them anymore.

That then causes thoughts of 'See if I could maybe eat a little less today'

Then, the reasonable side of me kicks in and gives myself a mental slap in the face.

It's still a battle every single day. Granted, it is a million times better than it was. But just because I am at my 'supposed ideal weight' (Whatever that means) doesn't mean I'm 'all better.'

Also, summer is creeping up which means less clothing of sorts. Which is mixed for me. Sometimes when I'm feeling 'crazy' I will be in all sweats, other times just shorts and a tank top. It varies and nothing is really 'safe' for me because if I'm feeling off i always find something to critique.

Besides the craziness I am still so thankful for my situation.

I am thankful for:

-Travis who every single day can read me and is so sympathetic to my thoughts and disorder

-My parents who compliment me on my smile not my body

-My truly amazing girlfriends who have seen me through so much and know what to say and what not to.

-Oliver who doesn't look at me differently if I have eaten a piece of bread or some 'scary food'

So here's to breathing and not forgetting to.

Recapping...

Things the last few days (4-5) have gone pretty well. I've been on this 10 day work week and part of that (first part) was pretty chaotic in my head with my body. Any type of stress, anxiety etc would be automatically redirected to my body, what I ate, regret etc. The last couple days have gone well. Maybe because I've worn my pants at work? It helps when I'm having an 'issues' day. I got a new work skirt, the bandage one like my black one that is comfortable, so I won't be changing into my black one nightly.

It's still one of my constant triggers, work. If I get stressed etc I spend more time obsessing than dealing with the problem. Granted I have gotten loads better but it's still persistent.

I lucked out with a person at work relating to my situation more than anyone I have ever met. This has been really nice. I've read blogs of people in recovery but I've never met or known someone who has struggled and still is struggling with my same deal. It's nice not having to explain a behavior or try to pretend that all is 100% wonderful.

Travis has been great. He can tell when I'm in my head and he will 'check' my tummy to make sure it's okay. It's really cute and always makes me smile. I am so thankful and lucky.

How did I find someone who tries so hard to understand the disease and work well with it? Someone that I love more than anything?

Body

My body thoughts have been up and down, what's new.

Work clothes are still a huge trigger for me, I ordered a bandage skirt that should be coming next week and I hope that it helps with that anxiety.

I haven't been the best at keeping up with my Buspar and Zoloft. For no good reason at all. I've done good this week and I hope it's making a difference.

I feel a lot more relaxed with variety if I am at home but it's followed with regret. I try to occupy myself from it, but it's still really hard.

My view of my body is the same. Fat/frumpy/lumpy/blob etc. I try to get outside of my mind and understand that these come from anxiety stemming from another reason and I am able to take a deep breath and realize I am not huge. Then sometimes I'll walk by a mirror and it seems like a carnival mirror of distortion and I get this wave of dread over myself.

Again a deep breath has to happen and I look around and am thankful for Travis and Oliver and our home. Realizing it's okay.

Breathing is key.

Something I have been able to accomplish is reading. When I was really sick I could not sit still for more than 15 minutes without loathing myself and rubbing my stomach, let alone even read a page of a book because I was so hungry. I got a book this last week and am on page 100, honestly I am so happy I can focus and remember what I am reading.

My next step is to go to Woods and read in a chair and breath and relax.

Here goes!

Much Needed Update

At work most sites are now blocked at the front desk so I have fallen off of the wagon of keeping up to date with this blog. I can access it from the back computer and will do better from now on.

It's been a turbulent few weeks/month. I can't remember details of far back so I'll stick with this past week, which has been hard. I have been having incredibly bad body image and have been convinced I am frumpy etc. I've been uncomfortable and have noticed that I have been obsessing about it at work more.

Reasons? There is a girl at work that triggers me sure, there are my work clothes which seem to be a daily struggle, there is guilt from eating foods that I have become more custom to. (i.e. oatmeal).

At work I eat a baby cliff bar and usually a little bowl of the pretzel snacks, that's basically it. I'm not literally starving like I was so I'm not usually hungry at work and if I am I eat another bowl of pretzels or find something. When I get home is when I eat my dinner really. It's been sometimes soup, oatmeal, cereal and the other night I even made myself a sandwich. This leaves me feeling guilty/out of control etc. I actively try to ignore it and talk some sense into myself, but you know how that goes.

I've also been reallllly bad about keeping up on my Zoloft and Buspar. I am going to start taking them like I am supposed to. I just kept forgetting for no good reason and I'm sure it has had an impact on my thinking lately.

Besides that I'm okay, I have seen some pictures of my body that don't make me sick, so that's positive.

Bright thoughts~

Le' Sigh

It has been one tough day. Here are possible triggers I've been able to identify throughout the day.
1. I had froccacia bread and a meat and cheese plate at the Fountain Bistro yesterday.
2. I had a bowl of cereal at night
3. I didn't go to the gym
4. I got my period
5. I ran into a girl at work who triggers me
These have all caused me to obsess about my body today. Constant rubbing of the stomach. Constant distortion thinking I look like a literal whale. Which causes bad posture and sad face.
Grump.

Besides thisss day and thoughts, I think I've been doing really well. I'm enjoying the gym and (when I'm not in crazy mode) think I can start seeing changes in my body, I feel stronger, I can do more things etc. So I'm trying real real hard to roll with that.

Cycle

Eating a (larger than normal i.e. Luna bar) meal --> Feeling full--> Feeling guilty---> Feeling like that the full feeling will never subside--> Anxiety over work clothes for the next day--> Distorted actions when putting on clothes

Rawr!

I create in my head that I am drastically larger/different/lumpy/etc then loathe myself in my work clothes....this is one of my biggest triggers. Work clothes.

Trying so hard to go to sleep in peace tonight and wake up in peace

Down Time

My most anxious times are normally when I have nothing to do, just time to sit. So it's Superbowl Sunday and we are BEYOND slow and Natalie's in the back not feeling well. I have noticed myself probably looking like a crazy person touching and rubbing my stomach at the desk.

I notice that I have pulled up some recovery blogs for some insight. I have also been feeling a bit 'guilty' for not jogging today. The 'Y' was closed. However, I just have to look at this like any other day we take off from working out, days of rest are key and important, I know that well. It's hard for me to let myself relax and to be kind to myself, that's the key.

That's some of the best advice my lady had ever given me. To be kind to myself. Especially after putting it through hell for so long.

So I'm going to try to pick myself up from this slump, go grab a coffee, make some laps and not obsess. The only thing I should be obsessing about my body is how good it looks!

Ha! There eating disorder! Suck it!

YMCA

Last week we joined the YMCA which I was really excited and finally physically ready for. We had been doing jogs around the neighborhood but it's hard when it's pouring rain, or snowing or 20 degrees.

So today was day 5 of working out. It's been amazing. We get up at 10:30 and are at the gym anytime between 11 and 12 doing our little routines. Mine is running on the treadmill which I missed from working at the rec and love. I completely zone out and have zero thoughts on my body or 'if I look fat' while running. I listen to my ipod and run at 6.5 speed. I have been running 10 minutes, which is perfect and I plan on upping it because I would really like to be able to run a half marathon at some point. It's something I have already seen myself become stronger at from just running a week.

After that I do 10 reps on this one leg machine I really like then 5 reps on a new fun arm machine. Travis does a lot of weights and leg things but we have enjoyed it so much. I'm so proud of both of us because Leslie told us that was our homework, to join and to work out to relieve stress.

Anxiety!!!!!!!!

I have been a pretty big wreck this week. A lot of guilt and regret after eating. A lot of massive distorted thinking about my body. I feel like I look dramatically different and feel different. It's been driving me nuts and making me have sad spells.

Triggers?
-Work clothes. I loathe what I have. I am always keeping an eye out for new ones but I can never find any. My hardest time is at work a lot lately. It sucks.

AHhh

Waves

That's the best way I can describe how I've been feeling lately. I will have waves of distorted thoughts which spurs the anxiety then can spiral out from there. Then I'll have days or a week of feeling just fine. Even, dare I say it, good about my body?

I could wear the exact same outfit during each of these opposite waves and feel completely different. I can distort my body so much it's like looking in a funny mirror which sparks this thought 'Oh my god, I did get fat and frumpy' then goes from there.
OR
I will look at my body and think 'I'm still slender but way better because I have curves (little cute ones) ' and then walk around all proud.

Just funny to think back on all of these. Recognizing it and writing it down has always helped me process and see from an NON distorted view.




Besides these waves (which really aren't so bad) (especially being compared to being 70 pounds) January's been going rather well :) Me and Travis have been slowly redecorating with some new pieces of furniture and making our home even more homey :)

Oliver's getting more personality by the day and makes me so happy. Especially to watch Oliver and Travis together, my heart melts.

Anxiety

So I've had an anxiety filled two days. I want to try to retrace my steps. On my first day off I went to Giuseppes and split the bruchetta along with a lot of bread. It was great and at the time I was doing really well. I even went home and had apple crisp and felt okay.

The next day I went to the Table with my mom before the Wizard of Oz play at the theater. We had the meats and cheese plate and while I was eating I was fine then ordered the butternut squash ravioli, which was great and I didn't eat much of it because I was still a little nervous. I was fine the rest of the night but around 9:30ish I started feeling my stomach and could feel the anxiety creep up.

At home we went to go get food and went to New York Pizza, the smell, atmosphere, people, memories of that place reminded me too much of when I was really really sick. The menu reminds me of the indecision and guilt from the thoughts of ordering something 'I shouldn't' I wanted to get the chicken wrap but opted out for the small salad. Which was really small. When it came I felt defeated. I felt that I had participated in my disorder. I had done everything it wanted and was so sad so quickly.

At home I had some yogurt and granola since the salad was so small, I went through waves of anxiety and hatred towards my body. It was a long night.

The next morning was a mess. I was so emotional, I kept thinking of what I had eaten the last few days and felt so much guilt it was unbearable. I felt like I couldn't breathe as I was trying to put my makeup on. Which led to me having trouble with doing my hair since I was so fragile at the moment, I just wanted to burst out crying. The anxiety from my job crept in too and I was so upset about putting on my work clothes because they felt so tight and I kept thinking' if I hadn't had that bread then it would be better'

I participated in my eating disorder. I let those thoughts control me. I let them make me feel awful. Those thoughts then led me to loathing myself for what I did to Travis. How could I do something so disgusting to the one person who loves me for me. I just felt like I couldn't take anymore of it.

I'm at work now and have been so weepy all night. I have been feeling my stomach obsessively and looking at myself with loathing.

I am trying so hard to bring myself out of it and writing helps. Understanding that doing this does not help me and I am delusional.

I love me. I love my body. I am me. I am not my disorder.

Breathing

It almost seems like clockwork these days. I'll feel really good about myself for a week or two then have a few days to a week of just feeling so down on myself. It's been one of those. Those days are filled with regret over food, regret over that soup I had, or piece of bread I had. My clothes feeling different at work and I have to admit I am nervous to put my jeans on. It's been a little while since I've worn them but I'm waiting for a good feeling day to try them on.

I know that most of this isn't about the food. I know that it's been 9 days in a row working and I'm tired of being here. Which lets my mind wander and touch my stomach more and more. I know it's the start of a new year and season so I'm a little thrown by that. I want to get back into a normal work routine, and that's coming soon.

I know that my job has been making me feel really discouraged. I've never felt so under appreciated. I love my people I work with. I love working right next door to Travis. I love having the freedom of basically doing what I want at work. I do love working in a hotel. I know I shouldn't let the bad things get to me so much but it just has been wearing on me a lot. I'm ready for some days off.