Anxiety

So I've had an anxiety filled two days. I want to try to retrace my steps. On my first day off I went to Giuseppes and split the bruchetta along with a lot of bread. It was great and at the time I was doing really well. I even went home and had apple crisp and felt okay.

The next day I went to the Table with my mom before the Wizard of Oz play at the theater. We had the meats and cheese plate and while I was eating I was fine then ordered the butternut squash ravioli, which was great and I didn't eat much of it because I was still a little nervous. I was fine the rest of the night but around 9:30ish I started feeling my stomach and could feel the anxiety creep up.

At home we went to go get food and went to New York Pizza, the smell, atmosphere, people, memories of that place reminded me too much of when I was really really sick. The menu reminds me of the indecision and guilt from the thoughts of ordering something 'I shouldn't' I wanted to get the chicken wrap but opted out for the small salad. Which was really small. When it came I felt defeated. I felt that I had participated in my disorder. I had done everything it wanted and was so sad so quickly.

At home I had some yogurt and granola since the salad was so small, I went through waves of anxiety and hatred towards my body. It was a long night.

The next morning was a mess. I was so emotional, I kept thinking of what I had eaten the last few days and felt so much guilt it was unbearable. I felt like I couldn't breathe as I was trying to put my makeup on. Which led to me having trouble with doing my hair since I was so fragile at the moment, I just wanted to burst out crying. The anxiety from my job crept in too and I was so upset about putting on my work clothes because they felt so tight and I kept thinking' if I hadn't had that bread then it would be better'

I participated in my eating disorder. I let those thoughts control me. I let them make me feel awful. Those thoughts then led me to loathing myself for what I did to Travis. How could I do something so disgusting to the one person who loves me for me. I just felt like I couldn't take anymore of it.

I'm at work now and have been so weepy all night. I have been feeling my stomach obsessively and looking at myself with loathing.

I am trying so hard to bring myself out of it and writing helps. Understanding that doing this does not help me and I am delusional.

I love me. I love my body. I am me. I am not my disorder.