Including: Stress from worrying about other's lack of trying...i.e. I like when people take it upon themselves to be responsible because I feel like I am the one that cleans up the mess. I do everything and to hear huffs and puffs about people 'having' to do one thing makes me so angry. It makes me immediately redirect it to my body/eating/etc.
It's really frustrating.
I had a great weekend but a scary food weekend. Anxiety raising issues include: I ate a burrito, 1 1/2 actually, chips & salsa, I ate a form of Chinese food (even though I looked for the healthiest thing on the menu), a seasonal salad at Hearthfire (why this bothers me for some reason? I don't know), at breakfast I had my oatmeal then maybe a quarter of an english biscuit muffin thing, of course then going home I could only lay on my stomach for 2 hours to force myself to ignore the 'full feeling' i.e. 'Evil feeling'
Hrm. The old nutritionist came in AGAIN today to the hotel. That's twice in one week and I hate the way she looks at me.
I got pictures from dancing one night and there are a few where (to me) I look absolutely enormous and disgusting. I was so disappointed in myself seeing those. I refuse to look at them anymore.
That then causes thoughts of 'See if I could maybe eat a little less today'
Then, the reasonable side of me kicks in and gives myself a mental slap in the face.
It's still a battle every single day. Granted, it is a million times better than it was. But just because I am at my 'supposed ideal weight' (Whatever that means) doesn't mean I'm 'all better.'
Also, summer is creeping up which means less clothing of sorts. Which is mixed for me. Sometimes when I'm feeling 'crazy' I will be in all sweats, other times just shorts and a tank top. It varies and nothing is really 'safe' for me because if I'm feeling off i always find something to critique.
Besides the craziness I am still so thankful for my situation.
I am thankful for:
-Travis who every single day can read me and is so sympathetic to my thoughts and disorder
-My parents who compliment me on my smile not my body
-My truly amazing girlfriends who have seen me through so much and know what to say and what not to.
-Oliver who doesn't look at me differently if I have eaten a piece of bread or some 'scary food'
So here's to breathing and not forgetting to.
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