Crazy

I feel crazy. So the last post I was talking about how drastically my days are from one to the next. Today I feel 100% different than I did Monday and 75% than Tuesday.

Why? Guilt, remorse, regret, anger over 'eating too much' in my mind. 

Recap time!

Monday 

-Baby Luna, chips & salsa at Autumn's with 2 baby corn tortilla quesadillas w/ bean dip, at home later on I had some popcorn, then we went to Haggen and I got a piece of strawberry rubharb pie, skinny cow single serving strawberry cheesecake ice cream. 

Tuesday 

-Baby Luna, baby carrots & celery w/ spicy salsa, Trader Joe's popcorn, some crackers from TJ's w/2 slices of cheddar cheese. 

I was so sad and upset about it all, when I write it down it doesn't look like a lot for a full day. It feels totally different. 

I've decided to make a scale on how I feel about my body. That I will evaluate each day and give it a whirl

1-5

1  Meaning :Frumpy, fat, that nothing in my closet fits, sweats are even uncomfortable , no way in hell I'd be going out anywhere. Rubbing my stomach probably a couple times each minute, looking down and just seeing fat, being distorted in the mirror insanely, measuring my thighs and arms and then judging. 

5 Meaning: Feeling small, slender, toned, ready to try on anything in my closet. The best day to go clothes shopping. Energetic, sexual, fierce. Looking down and seeing a toned stomach, lean legs and good arms. 

Today when I woke up I felt probably at a 3, we went to the gym, came home and then right before work it sank to a 2. I tried on literally 3 different options for work and just gave up and went with the pants so I could wear the tank top underneath that I feel hidden and safe in. Work's been at about a 2 the whole time.

Honestly I need to take my Zoloft, I'm sure that's made a huge impact on my mind the last month. I haven't taken it since the last time it hurt my entire throat and it was painful to swallow and breathe. I need to try it tonight, I'm scared and hope it doesn't hurt. 

Anywho, I'm feeling a little better now after evaluating this. It helps to put a number on my feelings towards my body, puts it in perspective. I think I'm more at a 2.9 now.