Paradox of Anorexia

I remember when I first started seeing my lady. Discussions of when I remember my disorder starting, what was leading up to it, what I thought of my self as a person. How it all really started? Really, what was it about?

Anorexia is a paradox of not wanting to be seen yet wanting to be seen. My lady told me how my anorexia was me disappearing. Which makes so much sense because I felt I was falling in this deep hole and slowly becoming not apparent, but I was okay with that. I was getting no reaction from anyone, so it was okay, until I realized I wanted to be seen again, which lead to my first realization/freak out that November and thus me asking for help.

The relapse was from a completely different place. The first time was due to Matt, depression, cheating, everything and anything that went along with that poison relationship. That was when I lost myself, my identity as a worthy lovable person. The second time snuck up on me. With losing the job at the Chrysalis, getting hours cut at Paper Dreams, being alone most of my days, and the pressure from my parents of money/job/doing better. That was what led me to control (not knowingly entirely) the only thing I knew, my food.

It was/is hard. All of it. Travis was so honest with me last night and challenged me in so many ways. Which today I am thankful for. I know I shouldn't plateau. I am comfortable right now yes, I am still getting used to my body changes. I like doing it this way. I gain weight, reach a point at a plateau to get comfortable with where I am and the new changes, then I gain a little more weight and do it again. I have to do it in incriments. I'm not losing weight, I haven't since September. So I think I've done well. Yes I am comfortable here, but that doesn't mean I am not going to gain more weight. I am pretty sure I gained quite a bit from those 4 pieces of pizza....which I regret/love/hate/want. So annoying. But I did it anyway.

BUT. Travis has been the biggest push and support for this. I do it for him. I do it for a little part of me, but the most part right now for him. Yes I want to reach my full potential of being a woman. Wow, that's so scary. My lady explained to me how losing weight was removing my sexuality, because I was so hurt through my sexuality that I didn't want it. So it left, my sexual confidence, body left. It is very scary for me to start coming into my 'woman' body. Very very scary for me. Because to me that is me vulnerable. Being vulnerable is so scary.

So yes. Those are my thoughts for today. I am very thankful for our serious long discussion last night.

How about some positive things?!
This January is so so so much better. That's rad.