Confusion

I came up with this brilliant plan, well Travis did, and I talked to my lady about it this week and she thought it was wonderful too. I wrote about it, how we would go to a restaurant and I would leave while he ordered me something that I would be too afraid to on my own right now. Anyway, great idea.

So we sort of planned it for Friday, but it got late and we ended up going home. I had my bowl of cereal, which I do love and we hung out. Great night, and yes I was relieved about not going to dinner. Granted, due to our late schedules the earliest we could do this adventure would be 11. This is a really scary thing for me and I would rather not do it at midnight or 1. So then we planned sort of to do it tonight, Saturday.

I'm not sure if we are still going. I haven't mentioned it, I'm not sure if it was still going to happen. My sick side of me has made me not really fully commit and mention it or say 'Hey we're going to NYP tonight' instead I have been tip toeing around it. Inner battles are gay. But tonight at work we got free sushi and free apple cobbler. I have picked at the apple cobbler (okay, only the apples in it) and I haven't had sushi yet because I wasn't sure if we were going out after or not (gah). I have a little to go box with stuff in it. I'm torn. Truly. Torn and CRAZY.

Whatever happens, happens. It won't be the end of the world. I have my whole life to go out and eat normal food. If I end up eating cereal and bananas tonight then I'm okay with that, because I really do enjoy my coconut vanilla milk :) And MAYBE just MAYBE I would have a piece of sushi and some apple cobbler....

Sad face.
But on another note. Today was pretty good, busy at work, went by pretty fast and feel good. Tomorrow is my last day!!!!!!!! YAH then 2 days off. I cannot wait.

How about some of these for good measure
:)

Phases

So today in the "Now is Now" blog she posted this about phases. Her therapist described it to her and I thought it was really interesting and helpful to understand (in writing) the thought process of this whole disorder.

It's very true for me, these phases, though I have never really noticed the phases just the thoughts/motivations.

PHASE A:

• aiming for the hungry, hallow feeling. Usually this serves to help you feel good about yourself.
• weight loss behaviors and mindsets
• characterized by a general decision to "be healthier" or "be more careful about what ou eat."

The goal is always to just stay permanently in Phase A. People can elongate Phase A by isolating themselves from others,( staying in and having a 'me' day) by lying about their behaviors ( Really I do eat a lot at home) and thoughts, by going into denial, by not keeping any food in your apartment (It's very scary to have a full fridge and pantry). However, ultimately, it truly is impossible to stay in Phase A always. It will not last. You might think it will last because it's been lasting for weeks (or months), but it will not last ultimately.

Phase A makes you fee good about yourself.

You like Phase A.

You can't risk letting it slip away.

So, you take action to make sure Phase A stays.

In taking action, in trying to control Phase A, you enter Phase B.

PHASE B:

• stricter food rules (Only 2 rice cakes, with optional low calorie topping)
  
• Food rules are so extreme that, inevitably, your human body rebels. (i.e. digestion....)
  
• You break the food rule (i.e, you ate out of accordance with your rules)
• You feel guilt, self-hate
• You question your ability to "Stay in control"
• To make sure you stay in control, and to punish yourself for breaking your rules, you make new compensatory rules (ex: "Since I ate more than I was supposed to at the last meal, I have to skip the next meal entirely)
  
• Your compensatory rules are so extreme, that they, too, cannot be maintained
• You break your rule again
• Even more amounts of guilt and self-hate accompany rule-breakage this time.
• You feel like a failure because you "can't stay in control."
• You must punish yourself by compensating.
• You make even stricter compensatory food rules
• You break these rules again because they are just getting more and more extreme
• You end up in a cycle of strict food rule-->break rule-->guilt-->compensate-->new food rule-->break it-->guilt-->compensate.
• Bottom line: You feel like you're in a tornado. Totally out of control.

Eventually, you can't stand this out-of-control feeling, so you will do anything to put an end to this. I was basically in year-long Phase B before I ever called Tracy. To stop the tornado-like feeling that accompanies phase B, you enter Phase C.

PHASE C:

Phase C is basically a decision to "get better." Phase C is complex and so, it is easier to get through if you are guided with motivations, tips, and sub-phases.

MOTIVATIONS FOR GETTING THROUGH PHASE C:

• You don't want to end up in Phase B again. And fully getting through Phase C is the only way that you avoid Phase B again. If you don't get through Phase C, the cycle starts again.
• You don't want to be the only one in a room of people who has part of their brain focused on their hunger level, their body size, their past and future food intake.
• The only way out of the hole is through Phase C. You can't get out of Phase B by going back to Phase A, because Phase A is never lasting.

TIPS FOR GETTING THROUGH PHASE C

• People do not get fat by eating normal meals.
• Eating normally is not saying "pig out."
• You cannot and should not freeze your body. Your body is a flexible thing. It feels full, then it digests, then it gets hungry again. Any new physical experience (like fullness) is not permanent. Later, in time for the next meal, you will feel hungry.
• Eating normal portions of food regularly is good for your metabolism, and it is good weight management.
• Eating normal portions of food regularly is a good way to take care of yourself.
• Eating disordered logic that you will be thinking during Phase C (like fullness is bad, eating food makes me fat) is incorrect.
• If you try to avoid Phase C, you end up just going down the hole further. And there is no backdoor out of the hole. It is a cul-de-sac.

PHASE C - BROKEN DOWN BY SUB-PHASES

1) Go get food that appears normal.

2) The lure of being in Phase A again makes you consider eating something different. You consider eating a Phase A type food.

3) Remind yourself....

a) that Phase A is not permanent so you should not aim to go to Phase A.

b) that phase B inevitably follows phase A and Phase B is a million times worse than Phase C

c) The reasons you are avoiding Phase C are based on false reasoning (Phase C will not make you unspecial, worthless, or fat)

4) Eat the normal food.

5) Feel the fullness and start to worry that you've "ruined everything" and feel a strong urge to compensate to "erase" this food and then, once your slate is clean, start over in Phase A.

6) Remind yourself....

a) Your body is a flexible thing. It is not supposed to be in a constant state of hunger. It should feel hungry, neutral, and full.

b) Your body feels food now, but that uncomfortable feeling is not permamant. It will digest and then you will feel hungry again.

c) There is nothing logical or rational about being attached to a feeling of hunger. There's no reason to seek after it.

d) People who are normal weights (and look good at that weight) eat food and feel full several times a day. Feeling full does not mean you just did something wrong and got fat.

e) Once you get used to eating again, you won't feel like this.

f) You are part of a large group of people all working hard to make the same healthy decisions you are trying to make. Together, you can make the healthy decisions. You know that it's the right decision for them. So it's the right decision for you too.

6) Next meal, get food, eat it, repeat above cycle.

7) THEN THE PAYOFFS ARRIVE: It starts to become easier, more normal.

8) You love Phase C. You feel great! Eating is fun! Eating tastes good! You don't mind feeling food in you! You trust that your body will feel full, then digest, then feel hungry again. You know you're not doing anything wrong. You feel comfortable in your body - kind of. (but watch out... because Sub-phase 9 is coming)

9) These good feelings of Phase C start to freak you about a bit. You start to wonder.... Is it okay that I'm feeling good? Am I really allowed to feel okay about myself and my body? Maybe I'm just making this all up. Maybe I'm doing something wrong without realizing it....

10) You consider going back to Phase A so that you can have a concrete reason (hunger) to know that it's okay to feel good.

11) You start to feel stunned that you're being tempted by Phase A again. You thought you were past this...

12) You have to remind yourself of the following things:

• You don't need a reason to feel good. You can just feel good because your alive. You are allowed to feel good when you're full, neutral, and hungry.
• You are allowed to feel good about yourself and your body.
• It makes no sense to have hunger levels be your reason for feeling good about yourself and your body.
• You are not getting fat without realizing it. You are not wearing too-big clothing sizes.
• You are supposed to be "normal looking." You do not need to be "borderline underweight."
• You are a normal person and that is just fine.
• You are special for reasons apart from your body and hunger levels.
• If you choose to go into Phase A, it will not last. You will end up in Phase B.
• Phase B is a million times worse than Phase C.
• Might as well stay in Phase C even if part of you is unsure that it's okay to be in phase C.
• The only reasons you're wondering if it's okay to be in Phase C is because your'e not used to it.

13) Go get normal looking food, eat it.

14) Expect yourself to boomerang through these various sub-phases. Revert back to any of the sub-phases where you remind yourself why Phase C is right however often you need to in order to keep yourself from going into Phase A again.


So that was really long! But I really thought it was so great to pick apart the eating disordered thinking for what it really is. This is helpful and key to me. To look at this mindset/thoughts/feelings/rules and see them for what they are...NOT REAL!

So. Breathing.
:)

Favorite part of the post! Cute animal pictures!

All In One

Kim at "Adventures in Wanting" wrote this blog today. Funny since this was the subject of my session with my lady today. This identity issue. This issue of what do I like, want to do, want to eat? I'm not sure. This is how Kim put her experience....

"So, what's this "feeling purposeful" thing about? Well, I think for a while (2-3 years), anorexia was my identity. After that, recovery from anorexia became my identity. I've spent far more years (close to 9?) with this identity. I don't think it's any mystery that when I've gained weight in the past, I've lost it. It's not that I wanted to be thinner; it's more that I wanted to continue "the game." I like playing catch up. Oh, the drama of it all! Just like anorexia was a distraction from real life, recovery from anorexia became a distraction from real life. If I was having a relationship issue or career doubts or general angst, my first thought was usually to see a nutritionist, to talk to my therapist (about my eating disorder...I'm great with metaphors), to get on the scale, to make a new meal plan. It's been far easier for me to associate anything and everything with anorexia than to face the realities of just...me, and my "normal" life. When I consider that I'm not really anorexic anymore, I get a little sad. Part of the sadness is that there's no scapegoat. There's no disorder to blame. If I have a bad day, it's just a bad day, unrelated to food or weight. But, most of the sadness is about this lack of mission and purpose. Who am I if I'm not fighting this disease? Who am I if I'm not fighting, period?"

This prompted me to immediatly order on Amazon "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me" the sequel to "Life Without Ed"

From "Building Beauty Beyond Body" she wrote this, which was so hilarious because believe it or not, I had this similar situation last night.

"I had way un-grown (atonym for outgrown?) them when I lost weight. It had gotten to the point where they were falling off of me and not even a belt could keep them from looking ridiculous. Out of sheer desperation, I tried them on, expecting them to be too small because I *think* I am bigger than that size now (although I know women's sizes are cruelly arbitrary). I'm 23, I told myself, nothing wrong with outgrowing your pants from when you were 13, but try them just in case*. The verdict? They fit perfectly. And by fit I mean that they hugged my body and showed it off. For me, "fit" used to just mean pants hung but didn't fall off, allowing me to remain clothed while looking like a human hanger. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that yes, clothes are indeed actually supposed to touch your skin.

And Match specifically noticed and complimented them, too. So the real moral of this story is that filling in pants and being healthier not only feels but looks better than being thin and emaciated and at an artificially low clothing size. I seriously doubt the Date Pants would have gotten the same reaction XX pounds ago when I swam in them like a circus tent, not much sexy factor in that."

My version goes like this...

I was meeting my mom at Poppes and knew I was going out after, so I wanted to dress pretty nice for Poppe's at least. I looked at my jean drawer with hate. I took out all my jeans, 4 pairs and laid them out (Thank god Travis was at work bc if he had come in to witness this I would have been awfully embaressed). After laying them out I glared at my Big Star jeans from Buckle. I got these in 2007, spring time, had them fitted, then tailored. I should disclose the size. What I loved about *nice jeans* is that they are measured like they SHOULD be, by length and width. These jeans are not a size *00 or 0 or 1 0r 2* they are a 24. Let me tell you, when I say I had them fitted I mean it. They hugged my body and looked great. I adore the pockets and wash and length. However, the last time I wore these was the night I broke up with Matt. So let's just say it's been a while. So I got enough nerve to try them on. And you know what? They fit. Alas, fit means they hug the body not hang. Something I'm learning. Granted I did have to stretch, roll around, whine to myself for a little bit to finally feel okay in them. I wore them to Poppes and was pretty proud about that. When I got back I did change bc I didn't want to walk to NYP in heels, so I opted for my other new favorite outfit, my plaid shirt, shorts and fur boots, comfy and stylish I think.

Anyway. WEird that I keep reading these posts that look like someone copied them from my brain!!!

Today at my lady appointment she asked me if I had any goals. I do indeed. Here's my conundrum with restaurant eating. It's my favorite thing to do with Travis. I adore getting all dressed up, going out to a new fun restaurant with Travis, coming home and watching a movie, or something along those lines. Now I do really really like salads of all sorts. I would kill someone for a Harvest Salad and I have a weird fetish with Ceasar salads. But, let's be honest, I do not remember the last time I went to a restaurant (sober) and ordered anything besides a salad. I think honestly it has probably been a year and a half.
I know that I have a lot of anxiety when being faced with an unsure food outing. 98% of the time I know exactly what I will be eating in a given day, there may be a surprise thrown in there if we go out and drink, but MAINLY I know what I'm getting into. This leads to the scariness of restaurants, because they have these things called...MENUS...and on these menus there are different sections i.e. Appetizers, Entree's, Chicken, Pastas, Steaks, Salads, Soups, Desserts. And 99% of the time (sober) when I open the menu I skip immediatly to the Salad section. Now, honestly sometimes I really do JUST want a salad ( I love all kinds of shit on my salad too), especially if we are ordering an appetizer before hand, it's just nice to my stomach. BUT, I was thinking and talking to my lady about what I would EVEN order if I had the option of not a salad. Therein lies the problem...if I "have the option." I have lived by these rules for so long that I have forgotten that other things are okay to get. So, what would I get? Gah! This sparks more anxiety. If I did somehow allow myself to choose not a salad option, I would then desperately try to find the least caloric food on the menu, this then induces more stress and then an ultimate panic and freakout leading to me ordering a salad.
So how do we fix this routine? Travis came up with it and I think it's brilliant (my lady agrees). Let's set the scenerio shall we?....

On a chilly clear night Travis and Erin get dressed to the hills in fine leathers (?) and hop in their beautiful car and drive to let's say (for shits sake) D'Annas (P.S. I have NEVER had pasta at D'Annas). They go in and the place smells of rich mohagony and spices from the far east (?). While a candle lights their table they order a tapanade appetizer (this I am always okay with). Then as the waiter approaches, Erin skidaddles to the restroom for some touch-ups (i.e. letting Travis order something for her). She comes back to the table and feels like a kid on Christmas Eve. Because Travis has secretly ordered her something, he won't tell her, thus not causing anxiety or stress and has taken this control out of her hands (Her hands are beyond full of control as it is, so she let him hold this one). As the waiter approaches he is carrying 2 plates that have SIMILAR things on both. Not (as in the past) a plate of some decadent pasta that looks amazing then one with a boring salad) He places in front of her some ridiculous pasta/chicken/amazing something dish and all she can do is have a tiny victory inside her heart knowing that this is okay/normal/healthy/fun/rewarding. She looks at Travis across the table to his smiling handsome face and is blown away that he ordered her something so wonderful. They eat, and she has not tasted food like this in literally years. Full and happy they go home make a nest and watch a movie, 2 little nuts in love and one man eating cat. The End.








Right? That's my goal. Also, to tack on the Red Robin burger!! Let him take the control away from me. Even if we are only able to do it once a week or once every two weeks, then this will help me take baby steps to being able to order on my own and know it will be okay. Gah. Alrighty. That was my story. I will attach some lovely precious pictures to follow.
Good day Good week Good times ahead.
Good body nice ass.

I tore out the 'These Foods Can Make You Fat' article in Cosmo andthrew it away! Fuck that shit.
I knew there would be at least one ridiculous article like that, but this was was awful.

It's 10:02 at work. I feel 'heavy' today, of course. But I have been actively trying to convince myself that even though I feel this way, does not mean I LOOK that way. I look the SAME as I did yesterday....gosh, I am LITERALLY insane.

But, all in all. Pretty okay today. Beautiful amazing weather! Had a great run downtown to Copper Hog. Actually stayed at home before work (well had to run to Blockbuster to get the rest of my Sopranos marathon and to the bank) but had a pretty great relaxing day before work. Had a shitty banana, a shitty caramel latte that was too sweet(peppermint next time). Work's been busy, we still have 6 check-ins coming. Ummm...what else....got "Observe and Report" in Netflix, kicking in tonight, I'm glad.

I have been massively debating if I want to eat something when I get home...pros? I should, because it's food, it keeps me awake so I can actually finish a movie. What do we have at home (bc I do NOT feel like going to Haggen to get my lovely popcorn, I will save that for Sunday) Special K with bananas and milk? Big possibility, but we might be all out. I do have regular popcorn too, gah, who knows. I'm really just craving hella fruit. Kiwis, pears, apples MMMMMMM... Dunno, still have 50 minutes to decide!! Hi I'm crazy!

What else.....oh yes I wanted to write about what I call 'food confessions.' I think I would be a great Catholic. I'm all about GUILT. Guilt/shame for eating, which goes great for being a Catholic. Anyway, I feel like I have to confess my 'food sins' to basically anyone who will listen the next day. It makes me feel a little less shame about it and I get it out there and try to forgive myself and be kind to myself and move on. So I did this today at work, casually brought up that I had fries and a 'Big Mac Snack Wrap' last night (NOT a yummy thing by the way). So weird but I tend to do that.

Anywhoooooo.....That's all for tonight.
Oh wait, let me add some cute furry pictures for shits and giggles, a great end to a beautiful day.

Oh Yeah!

So I JUST remembered what I wanted to blog about. I thought of this while I was awake for most of the night last night, feeling sick to my stomach. But yes! I remembered!
So last night I was thinking about restaurants and how I will 99% of the time order some type of salad. Regardless of what type of food it is. Christ, I've ordered a salad at a Thai restaurant!
So I was thinking, honestly, what I would order if I didn't let my ED thoughts take control. Wishful thinking. But here goes...scary! I haven't ordered real food on my own in so very long.

D'Annas: I have heard remarkable things about the butternut squash. I would love to order that or some type of penne pasta, maybe even pesto!!!!!!! Crazy. I feel out of control and a rebel right now.

NYP: The fucking Chicken wrap for christs sake! I still haven't got it yet. Also, one of their burgers. Real burgers. Yes.

Red Robin: A burger, fries and milkshake!!!!!! It feels CRAZY just to write that!!!!!

Well those are basically the ones I thought of last night. The main things I have deprived myself of for the last year or so. I have been able to have Thai, even only 2 times. But I have been deathly afraid of pasta for so fucking long. I long for creamy, good, real, pasta. I miss wraps of all sorts too!!! Yummy spicy buffalo wraps!! And a damn Red Robin hamburger! They all look so unique and amazing~ I used to 100% of the time order a milkshake with every dinner too!!! Cookies and Cream or Oreo!! Wow, food is porn. Sad. But yes.

Wow, I'm glad I remembered to write about that. It's funny even just writing what I REALLY want, not what my ED wants, and how liberating that is....weird. It's still really weird to me that if I wanted to I could, for once, order a cookie or pastry with my coffee at Starbucks....I haven't done that in years. Or, maybe....even...order a Vanilla Bean Frappachino.....SHUT UP. AHH. Crazy Erin is here to stay bitches!!! Crazy in love with life ( i always have been) (but this time I'm applying that to food).

Okay. Now I'm all jacked up and ready to go hunt something with talons, maybe even a fucking human being.

Or...just go to Rumors. Same thing!!! Suck it!



OHHHHHHH So I remember the other thing I wanted to do. Women's who's bodies and attitudes inspire me. The way they hold themselves, work with their bodies to make things work for them, etc. I really really admire and want that. So here are the winners....


The author of 'Cupcakes and Cashmere' her style, body, love of food is phenomenal and she has curves and works them.





















Blake Lively. Enough said. Her style, the way she holds herself is incredible.





















Leighton Meester is rad and amazing

Habits

Let's talk about habits! I'm a creature of pattern. I like structure, rituals, things that give the illusion of safety or control. SO. My lady has always challenged me to not just stop some ED habits, but instead (due to my crazy nature) just switch or change them. Seems simple enough. So first off. What are some of my habits? Rituals? Things I do without even knowing because I've done them so long.

1. Constantly running my hands across my stomach to feel my hip bones. Feeling my hip bones has always calmed me. If I'm nervous, I'll go to the bathroom and check to make sure they're still there. Crazy huh? But it's always given me comfort.

2. Wrapping my hand around the tops of my arms. Again, the illusion of 'safety'. ?

3. If i'm feeling guilty, shame, regret I will poof my stomach out just to see how 'big' it is to make myself feel worse. Nice huh?

These are just some that come to mind first. I should run my hands across something else when I'm nervous. (Enter sick joke here). By that I mean, I should try my neck...not choking or some sick thing like that. But just holding the back of my neck when I try to reach for my hip bones? Sure why not, let's give it a shot.

How about I stop poofing my stomach out. That would be rad. I do this when basically I feel bad, bloated, whatever. I convince myself that I must look the way I feel. This is key to being able to deal. When I feel these things I think I look so different, when in reality, I look the same as I did the day before. REPEAT THIS OVER AND OVER TO MYSELF. Hi Crazy Self. Stop it.

ANYWHO.
Going out to Rumor's tonight to go dancing! That's exciting! I haven't danced in a long time!

Blog World

So I have to laugh to myself, I am in about the first 20% of reading my daily blogs, and 'This Winding Road' girl and well basically every person in recovery from an eating disorder has this obsession with Baby Cliff Bars!! It's so funny also that us disordered eaters like to blog about what we eat. I don't entirely, but they do and give me ideas of yummy different foods that aren't so scary for recovery. BUT, it's so common that we love baby cliff bars, baby carrots, and basically everything baby and gay.

The blogs I read are in a range. 'Bearing, Eating, Being' is the most recovered and the one I admire the most. I feel my experience is pretty similar to hers so I can relate pretty well. Along with Kim's blog. Then there are the ones who are in the earlier stages of recovery, I suppose I am probably still there as well. They talk about the pain, the joys, the hatred of eating a lot of food, the comforts of eating baby cliff bars and safe foods and exercising. Then there is Blogoxygen. She is scary because she is the sickest. She just got her feeding tube out. She's had it 3 times. She had a still birth of her second kid because she didn't eat during pregnancy. Her blog is tragic to read but I am pulling for her and everyone else in her life is too. Just interesting the range of these people. I'm just glad I'm not alone.

Yesterday in one I read how one of her biggest triggers is her feeling bloated. STORY OF MY LIFE. Honest to god it's truly amazing how one day I can feel pretty damn great and okay about my body then the next, if I'm bloated, I want to absolutely stop eating and hate my body. BUT, what's good? That this is normal and others feel this too!! So, today, yes I feel a touch bloated, BUT I feel like I'm not alone and it's okay. :) Pretty cool.

7 Questions on Recovery

Today while reading Kim's blog, her therapist from her inpatient center she had gone to e-mailed her these 7 questions for her fourth book. So I thought awesome, you know how much I love structure/questions/forms! Sign me up! Here goes...

7 questions about recovery:

1. What do you think were the keys to your recovery? (not a long answer, just a list and explanation of why)
-Travis. Checks and balances between me and my lady. Accountability (Even thought I fight it with all my might sometimes). My parents finally understanding that I have a disorder and wasn't just lazy.

2. What effect did it have on you to work with recovered staff? (all the staff members at Monte Nido have recovered themselves; you could adapt this question to discuss how important it is to have a therapist, or other treatment team member, who has recovered)
-Okay, so obviously this doesn't apply to me. So um pass.

3. How would you describe the concept of an eating disorder self vs healthy self?
-Ha. Eating disorder self (picture Gollum of LOTR) is mean, degrading, says I'm worthless, full of rules, rituals, guilt, shame, etc. Healthy self? Picture me smiling :) Healthy self practices forgiveness, balance, humility, self worth. Love.

4. What would you say to those struggling with reaching out to people instead of food? How did you learn to do this? How has it changed your life? What made it so hard?
-I was glad when I realized I needed help. Yes I know I still do. It's important to stick with it. Even though it sucks so much so much of the time. I had to be pushed into some things but they were for the best and I think I'm more social than I was a year ago for sure. My body changing and thoughts that go along with that have been and will continue to be the hardest.

5. "It IS about the food": Thoughts?
-It is and it isn't. It's about anxiety for me then being shifted to food control to somehow 'calm' the anxiety. Slippery slope of the control and power of not eating. Hrm.

6. How have you found meaning outside of your eating disorder? How have you created a fulfilling life for yourself?
-I'm working on this now. I'm trying to learn some hobbies, new interests, new passions, goals. For the first time in a long time I'm going to ask myself (my real self) what do I want? Really? I have no idea how to answer this yet.

7. How did you get motivated to get better? What helped you stay motivated? How did you find motivation after losing it?
-Travis. I am getting better for him, for us, and yes for me. Even though that part is still pretty small. And my parents, even though I am very much torn on that whole situation, but I know that they need me to get better. I need to get better to live a full life with Travis so we can travel, play, and love tons.

More later.

Who Do I Want to Be?

I am realizing for the first time that pretty soon, if not pretty much now, I am going to have to identify myself as someone who is not first an eating disorder, or anorexic, or really thin. Granted, I understand that yes I am going to be those things for a long time and most likely my whole life. Not that I'm going to be in the throws of anorexia my whole life, but that it will be something in the back of my mind to be aware of to not relapse.

I have always placed my weight at the top of my identity. This I believe came from others to begin with. I was always small. I was always told 'You're so small, tiny, little Erin, etc' So during the beginning of my disorder, I took this basically to the extreme. That way, people only saw how scary I looked and wouldn't ask, question anything else about me. They left it at that. That was safe. It was safe to me that whatever happened I was still really thin. The thing that supported me was also killing me. Oh the IRONING!

But, I am going to HAVE to start identifying myself as not just a thin person.

Weird. Scary. How do I do this? What do I like? What are my hobbies?

I have lost so much of my identity through this disease. Christ, my hobby for the last 2 years has been losing weight, controlling food, controlling my body.

What the hell do I even like anymore??

Hobbies of the past include...I remember
-Obviously riding. Which I miss so very much and want to be able to do again some day. That makes me really happy to know that one day I might even be able to ride again.
-Um...not sure what else I really did?

What do I WANT to do? Honestly? I hate that question. Every time my lady asks it I draw a complete blank.
I'm not terribly interested in music.
I like reading, but it's still hard for me to focus for that long.
I enjoy exercising, but pretty sure that should NOT be a main hobby.
I liked the one time I went to paint pottery?
I blog?
Fuck, I don't know?
I feel at some point I'm going to have to force myself into a hobby. It's always been easier to be reclusive, post up in bed with some snacks and watch a movie. Yes, I will still do this and enjoy it. But I know I am going to have to force myself out of my comfort and routine and DO SOMETHING.

What I have always said I wanted to do but have never been brave enough, or always made excuses for? Either a pilates or yoga class. I really think it would be great to help me relaxe and start a healthy exercise routine for my body and mind.

So. I should really get on this :)

HRM

I found this on one of the blogs I read tonight.
Also, on one that I read, the one who has the most tragic story so far, really threw me for a loop tonight. It hit home and I really really hope she does it....Here it is...

""Everyone, I have good news. Startling news. News that I wasn’t sure would ever come out of me; news that I hoped I would feel and know, but have as of yet to ever feel this way. And…even though this broad is good with words, I’m not sure I can adequately explain just what I’m feeling. So be patient with me while I mull around, trying to figure this out.

I have had anorexia for just about ten years. I would say a good 5 ½ of those years were spent with me messing around, and literally having ZERO desire to recover, to restore my weight. I went to therapy and to dietary and inpatient then again and again and again, had several feeding tubes, blah blah blah yakkity schmakkity, because I had to, but I secretly knew I’d never gain weight; never really follow through with my treatment team’s recommendations, because there was nothing more that I valued more than being skinny. You catch that world – VALUE? Values are important. They are the cat’s meow, they are The Shit. Values shape our lives and our personalities and the courses we take in life and influence every decision we make. I literally VALUED my pant size over my family. I VALUED losing weight over keeping my job. I VALUED being emaciated over staying alive. I had been raised to have good, honest, solid values, yet I threw those out like worthless trash in my effort to be thin, to slowly die. I soiled my integrity. People lost their trust in me, because I lied about food – how much I ate, no I didn’t throw it away or hide it, I promise.

It wasn’t until Cade was born that I really began to figure out that anorexia is a serious blow job, and that it was time to get over this selfish, meaningless, USELESS and NEEDLESS disease. And it wasn’t easy. I mean, obviously. But I realized, once I had my perfect sweet angel man in my arms, that there was more to life than how far my collarbones jutted out, and the number on the scale. Cade gave me perspective; he gave me a new set of values. That being a mother - a present mother who is healthy and there unequivocally for her children, and teaching them to be honest and good people, was something that I valued. Finally FINALLY I had something I cared about more than being thin.

So I finally started to do the real work, the nitty-gritty stuff that gets under your fingernails and leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And it sucked a lot of the time. And it hurt(s) like hell. I have been underweight since November of 2005. That is a long time to acclimate to being where I am, and the idea of getting to a normal weight is terrifying for me. And yet. Since I’ve had this tube for a whole, what, 5 days?... I’ve been more committed to just finally freaking making some significant gainage and just DOING IT. It’s time, you know? I mean, it won’t be easy. And I’ll freak out a lot. But there’s something that’s finally just…I dunno….CLICKED in my brain. Like, the idea of looking and being healthy (gah loathe that word!) isn’t so repulsive to me. I’m beginning to nurse the idea that I could even be pretty, acceptable, and even liked at a normal weight. And the fact that I’m starting to be okay with this idea terrifies me in and of itself! I have a lot of work to do.

Anorexia was my everything. When God failed me, Anorexia stepped in and saved me, in a warped and twisted way. When I learned I couldn’t depend on others to keep me safe, and that the world was uncertain and scary, Anorexia took care of me, never left me, and certainly never failed me. And, irony of ironies: it was saving me just as quickly as it was killing me, yet I refused to let go. But that is changing.

Why is it changing, you ask? I think a good portion of it is my treatment team. I’ve never had a group of individuals care so damn much about me; be so invested in my health and well-being and recovery, and that really rubs off on me. I think it’s because Cade is getting older, and soon he’ll be old enough to see Mommy acting like a crazy psycho D-bag. It’s because I want to have another baby, not to replace Kendall, but so that Cade and Kendall can have another brother or sister. I want to have strength and energy to run and use my body without nearly stopping breathing. Maybe I want to recover this time because my life hasn’t changed in so long, and I’m realizing that I’m not happy much of the time. Maybe trying on Normal won't be so scary. So. I’m going to do it.

Time to stop revering anorexia, and revere a healthy body. A healthy me. Time to value family and friends and life. Time to restore my integrity. Time to breathe, and be okay with it.

Time to move on. """

It is painful for me to think about this. I think it's painful because I'm not at this point yet. There is a part of me that wants nothing more than to be better, let go, be healthy, let my body even out, eat whatever whenever. But there is still the part of me that resists that so very much.

Paradox of Anorexia

I remember when I first started seeing my lady. Discussions of when I remember my disorder starting, what was leading up to it, what I thought of my self as a person. How it all really started? Really, what was it about?

Anorexia is a paradox of not wanting to be seen yet wanting to be seen. My lady told me how my anorexia was me disappearing. Which makes so much sense because I felt I was falling in this deep hole and slowly becoming not apparent, but I was okay with that. I was getting no reaction from anyone, so it was okay, until I realized I wanted to be seen again, which lead to my first realization/freak out that November and thus me asking for help.

The relapse was from a completely different place. The first time was due to Matt, depression, cheating, everything and anything that went along with that poison relationship. That was when I lost myself, my identity as a worthy lovable person. The second time snuck up on me. With losing the job at the Chrysalis, getting hours cut at Paper Dreams, being alone most of my days, and the pressure from my parents of money/job/doing better. That was what led me to control (not knowingly entirely) the only thing I knew, my food.

It was/is hard. All of it. Travis was so honest with me last night and challenged me in so many ways. Which today I am thankful for. I know I shouldn't plateau. I am comfortable right now yes, I am still getting used to my body changes. I like doing it this way. I gain weight, reach a point at a plateau to get comfortable with where I am and the new changes, then I gain a little more weight and do it again. I have to do it in incriments. I'm not losing weight, I haven't since September. So I think I've done well. Yes I am comfortable here, but that doesn't mean I am not going to gain more weight. I am pretty sure I gained quite a bit from those 4 pieces of pizza....which I regret/love/hate/want. So annoying. But I did it anyway.

BUT. Travis has been the biggest push and support for this. I do it for him. I do it for a little part of me, but the most part right now for him. Yes I want to reach my full potential of being a woman. Wow, that's so scary. My lady explained to me how losing weight was removing my sexuality, because I was so hurt through my sexuality that I didn't want it. So it left, my sexual confidence, body left. It is very scary for me to start coming into my 'woman' body. Very very scary for me. Because to me that is me vulnerable. Being vulnerable is so scary.

So yes. Those are my thoughts for today. I am very thankful for our serious long discussion last night.

How about some positive things?!
This January is so so so much better. That's rad.

Defensive

I went to see my lady today and she had (the dreaded) scary look on her face. She said how well i've done and how I 'pushed through the holidays.' But that she's scared for me. I am just so tired of that. I gained 12 pounds, I'm sure I've gained more the last two weeks. My body is evening out and for what seems like the millionth time I have told people, I have never been over 100 pounds. My body was always just there between 98 and 102 at the most, for the end of high school through college (pre eating disorder). So I am just so tired hearing them ask me (like they don't know) how tall I am, yes I am 5'4 I have been since high school. Well the BMI says...Yes I know what it says. But it doesnt take into consideration tons of things. My mom told me ever since I was little I was always under what I 'should' be for my age/height. But always healthy. I was and have always been petite. How many pictures do I need to show people before they believe me? I am tired because it seems like nothing is going to convince anyone. Except for once, my parents. It's just frustrating.

Her Adventures in Wanting

I love this blog "Adventures in Wanting" her post today just hit home and plus was followed by the Onion. Perfectly said.

http://backfromanorexia.blogspot.com/

Master Cleanse My Ass

Okay, so I decided to read this 'person's' blog on how they are starting the 'Lemonade Master Cleanse Diet.'

First off. How fucking dumb do you honestly have to be to believe this works? Let me take a quote from her blog..."I am one of millions of people that has decided that I need to live my life healthier. I mean I am pretty healthy I'm a vegetarian so I eat plenty of fruits & vegetables, I eat organic, don't drink much besides water.... etc. etc. But I also enjoy ice cream, Vanilla lattes, chips.... etc. etc. So i started thinking I'd love to be even healthier. I've heard from others personal experience as well as blogs etc. that the Master Cleanse helps rid your body of harmful toxins."

Anyone, who has even read about nutrition, the body, talked to doctors, anything knows that this is simply called starvation and you are hurting your body more than you know. I mentioned this to my nutritionist and she almost fell off her chair. As did my therapist. This has just made me so upset at how stupid this person is. Fuck. Okay that's all.

Ten

So I was reading through my daily blogs today, while Travis was asleep from his awful wisdom tooth extraction, and saw that each one of the girls made a list of 10 things that make them happy. I got really excited, I have way more than 10 things, but I thought it would be fun to join them.

No particular order

#1. My smart, sexy, patient, incredible, loving boyfriend. I am 100% the luckiest woman in the world. Every time he walks into any store, restaurant, bar girls notice him. Why? Because he's (cliche) tall, dark, handsome, blue eyes, and incredible style. Those were also the first things that drew me towards him. That and his knowledge, sarcasm, dry humor, and education. Oh, and his interest in serial killers :) Not only is he that, he has been the biggest part of my recovery process. He does such an amazing job even when I'm a total bitch and take issues out on him. It's amazing how I fall in love with him more each day. But seriously, I do. And I'm so sad he is in pain from his poor tooth :(

#2. Oliver! Our newest addition (well first) to our lives. This little baby kitty has been so great to hang out with. What I notice the most? Besides his squeeks, hic-ups, sneezes, meows, that he sits and meows and watches me get ready. That used to be the WORST most CRITICAL part of my day, It would take me forever because that's when the thoughts were the worst. Now, I'm preoccupied by this little man staring up at me meowing and climbing on the sink. How great is that? Also, I absolutely am in love seeing Travis and Oliver snuggling. My heart melts.

#3. D&D. Yes, I have entered the nerd world through Travis. And guess what? It's so much fun. It's like real life Lord of the Rings. It has also allowed us to share one day a week with great friends, fun, and fun smoothie making (on my behalf). It's something we all look forward to and I am blessed to have met such rad people.

#4. Going out! I love getting all dressed up with Travis and going out. We look like a million bucks when we do (well always) and I have so much fun just sitting somewhere with him and all our friends. I even don't regret if we sometimes order pizza and breadsticks and then eat the whole thing that night....I wouldn't trade those nights for the world.

#5. Staying in! Alas, his relaxation has rubbed off on me, at least more than I used to. I do love very much snuggling up on the couch or nest chair in sweats and watching a movie. Accompanied with movie snacks, popcorn, or just Oliver. 9 times out of 10 I will always ask him to tuck me in and he does. It's my favorite part of the night.

#6. Weekly drinks with my mom! This has been such a new adventure for me and our relationship has gotten so so much better because of it. My parents now feel like my parents, not my critics. It's so nice to have their love and support and feel that instead of their judgement. They have also been a great part of my recovery process and I enjoy very much catching up and learning what amazing people they are.

#7. My job! My job really does make me happy. I love my schedule, my boss, my commitment to work, the value I take in it, and making guests happy. Sure some days suck, but it's more of a few hours will suck. I am so lucky to have a full time job, where I'm the oldest one there, get free snacks (if I can get enough balls to eat them) from the Bistro, work with great people, make dog treats and cookies and get cash for it, and that I work next door to Travis. Who would have though?

#8. Food! Hot food makes me happy. Even if I can only get enough courgae to eat it one or two times a week, it's always a very private happy time for me. Sometimes I feel like I should do it in secret or am ashamed to do it. But I hope to one day be able to eat hot food anytime anywhere without any hesitation.

#9. My fabulous friends! I love my friends, so much. I love that they have stuck around with me through all of my reclusivness, my sickness, my relapse, and still send me the most heartfelt texts, emails, hugs, you name it. They truely are amazing, genuine people. And I hope I can be that for them.

#10. My life. I know I am so lucky. I love my life. It makes me feel really great to know that the only shitty part is my eating disorder. BEcause I know this will pass and I will beat it. The possibilities afterwards blow my mind. Eeee!

Okay, well it's about 4:10, I am meeting my mom at 5 for some catching up before she goes to Vegas next week.

Bloggity-Blog

So everyday at work I go through my list of blogs that I read. I start with 'Ed Bites' for any interesting research done recently on eating disorders, then move to Kim's blog 'Adventures in Wanting' I then move to (I think the most inspirational for me) 'Bearing, Eating, Being' then onto 'Building Beauty Beyond Body', which today I had to laugh out loud about how similar we all are. Her post today is http://buildingbeautybeyondbody.blogspot.com/ About the inevitable purge of 'anorexic clothes' Those clothes in the closet that stare at you saying 'You better not gain any weight or you won't fit into me, thus you have failed and lost control.'

I have done pretty well, especially with my tops purging the bad ones. I have a lovely new selection of tops, including a long brown sleeve from Nordstroms, 2 great striped blue and green sweaters, and an amazing soft new sweater from Travis. I even bought a new tank top (not size XS) and I enjoy it very much. I even got new bras to accentuate my 'up and coming boobs' I did buy a new pair of jeans that I wear pretty often when we go out. I'm still pretty nervous about then but am trying to admire the 'butt' I have aquired due to weight gain. I even have 2 new sweater dresses which are pretty comfortable for me to wear.

What struck me tonight reading her blog was she has also been going through her closet and came to her underwear. Gosh I could write about THIS forever. She got rid of all of her tiny panties and took pictures of them in the trash. I thought that was wonderful. I have thrown a few of mine away over the last month or so, but somehow I still have some that are lurking around that I know are too small and are triggers for me if I try to wear them. I have stuck to pretty much the new ones I have bought, but need need need to get rid of the other ones sooner rather than later.

Just funny that she wrote about that. When I thought I was the only one terrified of my underwear drawer. Gah. It's seriously time to start looking like a woman not a 13 year old boy.

Travis has been wonderful about telling me how good I look. I'm trying so so hard to believe him and let myself enjoy the (big breath)...'curves' Such a scary word. I have also been getting more compliments at work. Baller.

2010

It was this time last year that I started my relapse. It's interesting to think back to where I was, what I was doing, feeling, etc. I talked about it to my lady today and we discussed the major life changes and what a different place I am in now.

Including...
-I have a full time job. Last year I was done at the Chrysalis and working at the most 11 hours a week at Paper Dreams. This caused incredible stress about money, bills, which made me incredibly anxious and thus the 'rice cake adventure' began. Ah yes, I started controlling the only thing I knew how to, food intake. But this year, I have an amazing full time steady job, which means no alone nights only eating 2 rice cakes and laying there. I got shits to do!

-I live with the love of my life! Last year was the condo, which was lonely especially because I became reclusive. But now we have an amazing beautiful house, so cozy with our new bedding. I love love love coming home to Travis. I love knowing he's coming home to me. It is the best gift.

-We have Oliver. So that means even if I do have an alone night, it will be spent playing with Oliver and fending him off from latching onto my face. Better than not eating.

-I'm happier. I fell into a lot of sadness due to my inability to handle my money and bills. My parents were incredibly hard on me, granted they didn't know that I was in the midst of relapse and what my mind was doing.

This month I want to take it easy. More at home time, hibernating with Travis and Ollie watching movies sounds wonderful. I want to perfect my popcorn making while we do that too. The past couple months have been a blur and were super busy, so it's kinda nice to slow down. I want to get rid of some clutter, reorganize, and maybe add a block to my running route.

To me, that sounds pretty great.