Regret, guilt, shame.
Acceptance, forgiveness, compassion.
The first three are the words I hear most often after eating. The other three are my replacement words. Last night I felt this, which is common, but as I was thinking I was trying to look at it from another perspective. I have always lived by rules and 'bad foods'. 'Bad foods' include things like pizza, pasta, breads, basically carbs. So, whenever I eat these things I feel incredibly guilty and full of shame. Even if that's the only thing I ate all day, these words are so attached to these 'bad foods.' So I am trying to not see foods as 'bad.' I'm trying to not isolate these foods into a bad group and just see them as another option. A yummy option for sure. Scary but yummy.
I am also trying to mourn my old body. It wasn't much of a body but I need to start letting it go. I understand that I am not going back to the 'old me' because the 'old me' can't exist again due to what I have put myself through. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I have always wished to wake up one day and just see me, just be me, see the day as a day. Instead for so long I wake up and worry, check my hip bones, decide whether I am going to eat or not, or what to eat, and these rules kick in etc etc. So obviously this me now is stronger than ever before and will continue to become stronger and wiser. I probably won't notice for a long time but I am realizing it in small bits now.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Post Thanksgiving
This Thanksgiving marked my third year of my disorder. The first Thanksgiving was only a week after I came to terms with my problem and sickness. I was in massive denial and did not really understand it all. That Thanksgiving I was afraid of food. That was the first time I was ever afraid of food at Thanksgiving. I remember eating a handful of spiced cashews, I had a lot of really great salad, some chicken, and even some potatoes. I also remember it was my first time eating pecan pie, which I was okay about eating. I remember being really full and sad but was still able to go out to see a movie. Granted this was the beginning and I slipped deeper into the disease as time went on.
The second year was with Travis. It was my first time meeting his extended family. We went to his uncle's and his dad's. I was incredibly nervous. Very nervous for the food. So much so that I didn't eat dinner at his uncles because I thought we were eating at his dad's, which we didn't end up doing. But I think it was more so of an excuse not to eat. I remember grabbing a plate and putting some veggies and fruit on it. I picked at the food, while everyone else ate, but my excuse was 'We are eating at his dad's later, I don't want to spoil my appetite." I remember by the time we left I was hungry. We get to his dad's and the food was put away and dessert was out. I remember being incredibly relieved and yet sad because I had actually missed Thanksgiving dinner. I remember eating 2 of the nut clusters I made, which were delicious. And being really hungry by the time we left. Granted we drove to our amazing suite at our amazing hotel, had an incredibly romantic night then pulled out the phone book to look up food to order, because dammit I had missed dinner! And Travis is so amazing that he will eat with me, whenever, wherever, regardless if he had eaten previously. I remember wanting to order pizza/chinese/thai/ basically all my scary foods. We decided to head out because no where was open, granted it was Thanksgiving. We went to Jack in the Box, which was awesome. I had a southwestern salad, which was tasty and went to bed happy, in love, still with a disorder.
This year we went to his dad's for dinner. This was clear, we were eating dinner. I was terrified, anxious, but also excited to see his family, to socialize, to be around people who knew me and loved me. I was also a little excited for his dad's side of the family to see me because they hadn't since camping, and that was when I was about 80 lbs and I know I am more now and wanted to show them that they don't have to be afraid for me, because I am making progress, mainly because of their amazing son. There was a lot of food out, cheese plates, olives, veggies, salami. I know I could have just eaten and eaten and eaten until I made myself sick. But instead I stuck to olives, pickles, some veggies and focused on socializing more and not being so focused on the food. It worked well and I had a great time talking to people and when it came time to grab plates for dinner I felt okay about it. Granted I didn't eat mashed potatoes or the rolls or the casseroles that were out. I did though fill my plate up with corn, mushrooms, turkey, fruit salads, a couple pieces of cheese and even some salami. I ate it all and felt okay, not too full, not hungry still. I kept talking and socializing which is important. I had a great time and then we headed to his uncles for dessert. I have never been too keen on pumpkin pie so that didn't make me nervous. They did have a berry pie, which I had half a piece of, pretty yummy too. However, I did see the bowl of cashews, which I adore. I snacked on those as well. Then when we got to his mom's I even, god forbid, Had 15 pieces of bowtie pasta!! Yes and 5 candy cane kisses :) All in all, I think I made some progress through the night. I had such a great time. I felt like part of their family. It was wonderful.
THEN, to even stick it more to my eating disorder, I had lunch the next day!! Normally I eat throughout the day, small things, starting around 2. I haven't been to 'lunch' since Billy McHales in September maybe? Maybe that was even August. But I went and it was a buffet! Again, I could have let myself be consumed by the fear of food and eaten until I got sick, but I ate a good amount, I ate until I was full and could still smile after. Not too shabby. THENNNN I even let him take me to dinner that night. Granted, he wanted Thai. Which I LOVE, but I was still a little nervous about A. Thanksgiving the day before B. Lunch C. The weight I have gained lately. SO I chose Boundary. A safe place. But also a fucking great place. I SHARED the pretzel even! Holy shit I've never had one. AND I ate all my salad. THENNN We even got movie snacks, which I always eat all of.
SO there anorexia. Suck it. And I might even go out tonight! WHich means I MIGHT even eat hot food. SO fuck you.
Also, know what I've noticed? I don't feel light headed and can function throughout a whole day with a lot of energy. Weird right?
I'll leave you with this thought from no one other than Mr. Buddah.
My third Thanksgiving of anxiety. My third Thanksgiving of being afraid of the dinner. This was also a Thanksgiving of steps forward. I ate more food than last year for example. I didn't hate myself for it. I had Travis there smiling at every bite I took. I had support. I had people around me who love me. I had a pretty great Thanksgiving.
The second year was with Travis. It was my first time meeting his extended family. We went to his uncle's and his dad's. I was incredibly nervous. Very nervous for the food. So much so that I didn't eat dinner at his uncles because I thought we were eating at his dad's, which we didn't end up doing. But I think it was more so of an excuse not to eat. I remember grabbing a plate and putting some veggies and fruit on it. I picked at the food, while everyone else ate, but my excuse was 'We are eating at his dad's later, I don't want to spoil my appetite." I remember by the time we left I was hungry. We get to his dad's and the food was put away and dessert was out. I remember being incredibly relieved and yet sad because I had actually missed Thanksgiving dinner. I remember eating 2 of the nut clusters I made, which were delicious. And being really hungry by the time we left. Granted we drove to our amazing suite at our amazing hotel, had an incredibly romantic night then pulled out the phone book to look up food to order, because dammit I had missed dinner! And Travis is so amazing that he will eat with me, whenever, wherever, regardless if he had eaten previously. I remember wanting to order pizza/chinese/thai/ basically all my scary foods. We decided to head out because no where was open, granted it was Thanksgiving. We went to Jack in the Box, which was awesome. I had a southwestern salad, which was tasty and went to bed happy, in love, still with a disorder.
This year we went to his dad's for dinner. This was clear, we were eating dinner. I was terrified, anxious, but also excited to see his family, to socialize, to be around people who knew me and loved me. I was also a little excited for his dad's side of the family to see me because they hadn't since camping, and that was when I was about 80 lbs and I know I am more now and wanted to show them that they don't have to be afraid for me, because I am making progress, mainly because of their amazing son. There was a lot of food out, cheese plates, olives, veggies, salami. I know I could have just eaten and eaten and eaten until I made myself sick. But instead I stuck to olives, pickles, some veggies and focused on socializing more and not being so focused on the food. It worked well and I had a great time talking to people and when it came time to grab plates for dinner I felt okay about it. Granted I didn't eat mashed potatoes or the rolls or the casseroles that were out. I did though fill my plate up with corn, mushrooms, turkey, fruit salads, a couple pieces of cheese and even some salami. I ate it all and felt okay, not too full, not hungry still. I kept talking and socializing which is important. I had a great time and then we headed to his uncles for dessert. I have never been too keen on pumpkin pie so that didn't make me nervous. They did have a berry pie, which I had half a piece of, pretty yummy too. However, I did see the bowl of cashews, which I adore. I snacked on those as well. Then when we got to his mom's I even, god forbid, Had 15 pieces of bowtie pasta!! Yes and 5 candy cane kisses :) All in all, I think I made some progress through the night. I had such a great time. I felt like part of their family. It was wonderful.
THEN, to even stick it more to my eating disorder, I had lunch the next day!! Normally I eat throughout the day, small things, starting around 2. I haven't been to 'lunch' since Billy McHales in September maybe? Maybe that was even August. But I went and it was a buffet! Again, I could have let myself be consumed by the fear of food and eaten until I got sick, but I ate a good amount, I ate until I was full and could still smile after. Not too shabby. THENNNN I even let him take me to dinner that night. Granted, he wanted Thai. Which I LOVE, but I was still a little nervous about A. Thanksgiving the day before B. Lunch C. The weight I have gained lately. SO I chose Boundary. A safe place. But also a fucking great place. I SHARED the pretzel even! Holy shit I've never had one. AND I ate all my salad. THENNN We even got movie snacks, which I always eat all of.
SO there anorexia. Suck it. And I might even go out tonight! WHich means I MIGHT even eat hot food. SO fuck you.
Also, know what I've noticed? I don't feel light headed and can function throughout a whole day with a lot of energy. Weird right?
I'll leave you with this thought from no one other than Mr. Buddah.
You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
My third Thanksgiving of anxiety. My third Thanksgiving of being afraid of the dinner. This was also a Thanksgiving of steps forward. I ate more food than last year for example. I didn't hate myself for it. I had Travis there smiling at every bite I took. I had support. I had people around me who love me. I had a pretty great Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Body Image
I went to my lady yesterday and when I walked in she said, "Whatever you're doing, keep it up, it's working." I had many mixed emotions towards this. Anger, fear, relief, happiness, anxiety, etc. My weight gain...however much it is...I feel like it's a lot...I don't want to guess a number out of fear, so I won't. It is due in thanks to A. Pizza B. Alcohol C. Ranch Room. So, sure it works.
I was just in a quiet daze here at work for a minute. Staring across the lobby, puffing my stomach out, touching it with my left hand, having a fake distant smile on my face. That's what happens when I have nothing to do and zone out, that's when ED comes in the picture. Rrrrr. Those are the times when the thoughts, guilt, regret come.
But! I am out of it now. So there.
Tomorrow me and Travis are going down to Auburn to stay with his mom and spend Thanksgiving down there. I cannot wait. I'm so happy I was able to get Thurs and Friday off to spend with him. A mini vacation. Excellent.
I was just in a quiet daze here at work for a minute. Staring across the lobby, puffing my stomach out, touching it with my left hand, having a fake distant smile on my face. That's what happens when I have nothing to do and zone out, that's when ED comes in the picture. Rrrrr. Those are the times when the thoughts, guilt, regret come.
But! I am out of it now. So there.
Tomorrow me and Travis are going down to Auburn to stay with his mom and spend Thanksgiving down there. I cannot wait. I'm so happy I was able to get Thurs and Friday off to spend with him. A mini vacation. Excellent.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Fits
I threw a fit this morning. I did feel a bit better after. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs because it hurts so much. It's better than internalizing it. So yes, I ranted, raved, whatnot. As well as last night, gah, why am I so predictable? Well here goes....
Feeling...
-Full and bloated
-Anxious
-Excited
Wanting...
-To be in bed
-To be normal, whatever the hell that means?
-To not be so full
Because...
-I am so so sleepy went to bed at 4am
-Sometimes I don't feel normal...
-I ate a lot last night and feel icky
Procrastinating on...
-Nothing really
Looking Forward to...
-Tomorrow! I am baking 2 cheese cakes for Bonnie ($50) and hotel cookies ($25), drinks with my mama and D&D!!!
-Thanksgiving because I got it off work! Now I get to go to Auburn with Travis.
Daily Gratitude...
-MY amazing, sexy, gorgeous boyfriend who compliments me all the time and makes me feel like a princess.
-Life, health, my body.
Feeling...
-Full and bloated
-Anxious
-Excited
Wanting...
-To be in bed
-To be normal, whatever the hell that means?
-To not be so full
Because...
-I am so so sleepy went to bed at 4am
-Sometimes I don't feel normal...
-I ate a lot last night and feel icky
Procrastinating on...
-Nothing really
Looking Forward to...
-Tomorrow! I am baking 2 cheese cakes for Bonnie ($50) and hotel cookies ($25), drinks with my mama and D&D!!!
-Thanksgiving because I got it off work! Now I get to go to Auburn with Travis.
Daily Gratitude...
-MY amazing, sexy, gorgeous boyfriend who compliments me all the time and makes me feel like a princess.
-Life, health, my body.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Perspective
Body dysmorphic disorder can go hand in hand with either type of eating disorder. Not only is there this physical and mental need to fit into a tiny space, then, at least for recovery, there is the problem of perspective and how distorted your mind is in terms of your body. It's frustrating, but expected. Travis brought this to my attention the other night. Even though I 'feel' a lot bigger I do understand that I may not actually look ' a lot bigger.' So therein lies the problem. This is where you have to trust people right?
I am trying and resisting and yes trying. So I keep going. Had some great pizza on Thursday night, it was very satisfying. However, any hot food after drinking especially is incredibly satisfying.
Mkay. That's all for right now. I'm heading over to say hi to my nut next door.
Keep on TRUCKIN'!!! Christ, okay.
I am trying and resisting and yes trying. So I keep going. Had some great pizza on Thursday night, it was very satisfying. However, any hot food after drinking especially is incredibly satisfying.
Mkay. That's all for right now. I'm heading over to say hi to my nut next door.
Keep on TRUCKIN'!!! Christ, okay.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Mild Frustration
So I went to my lady today and brought pictures of me at different times to show her that I have always been petite. One is with all the girls at Autumn's wedding. That's my normal weight, that's where my body evened out at and where I felt comfortable and able to do hella things, because we did a ton of stuff that spring/summer/fall. ANYWAY, she looks at it and says "Those girls are a lot bigger than you" I was like, yes they are, they are tall and I am petite so obviously it's going to make me look even smaller. After looking at them she tells me, with this look on her that's awful, " I want to get you healthier" I was like? Well, here's the thing. At that weight (which is where I am almost at) I competed with Ozzie in shows, ran 5K's, went on adventures, went to class full time, blah, blah. I have never (through even my lowest weight) had vitals that weren't normal.
So anyway, I guess I am frustrated because even though I am still struggling with the mental part of it, physically my body is working great. I am just tired of being looked at (Still) like I am 78 pounds. I'm never going to be 120 and I wish they would just get off that.
Rant. Ugh. Boo.
Anyway. On a better note. I have Thanksgiving off!!! Yipee! Which means I get to go down with Travis and see his family! I'm so excited, last year was so great, and I can't wait to be down there since I know them so much more now!! I work at 3 the next day, but that should be fine. So I'm happy. Yes, I am nervous about the food. That's a given, but take it as it comes right?
Last night I ate 2 GROSS Lean Cuisines and just wanted to say, I feel AWFUL for people who eat those or have to eat those or feel like those things are the only things they can eat. For one, they are TINY, they are so so gross. I had just forgotten how bad microwave food is. HOWEVER their paninis are fabulous. Okay done, suck it Lean Cuisine.
My anxiety is still up. But I am better at working through it.
Yesterday Travis and I went to the mall to look at all the Christmas stuff and I got these AMAZING blue sparkly balls!! Love them. It was a really great day.
Ummmm, I have 6 days in a row until next one off. That's okay, I am going to work on balance this week. Alsooooo, oh I don't know. I'm sure I'll have more to rant about at a later date.
So anyway, I guess I am frustrated because even though I am still struggling with the mental part of it, physically my body is working great. I am just tired of being looked at (Still) like I am 78 pounds. I'm never going to be 120 and I wish they would just get off that.
Rant. Ugh. Boo.
Anyway. On a better note. I have Thanksgiving off!!! Yipee! Which means I get to go down with Travis and see his family! I'm so excited, last year was so great, and I can't wait to be down there since I know them so much more now!! I work at 3 the next day, but that should be fine. So I'm happy. Yes, I am nervous about the food. That's a given, but take it as it comes right?
Last night I ate 2 GROSS Lean Cuisines and just wanted to say, I feel AWFUL for people who eat those or have to eat those or feel like those things are the only things they can eat. For one, they are TINY, they are so so gross. I had just forgotten how bad microwave food is. HOWEVER their paninis are fabulous. Okay done, suck it Lean Cuisine.
My anxiety is still up. But I am better at working through it.
Yesterday Travis and I went to the mall to look at all the Christmas stuff and I got these AMAZING blue sparkly balls!! Love them. It was a really great day.
Ummmm, I have 6 days in a row until next one off. That's okay, I am going to work on balance this week. Alsooooo, oh I don't know. I'm sure I'll have more to rant about at a later date.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Twirling
I have so many thoughts right now. So many things I want to write down, I don't know where to begin. Which means this post will probably be incredibly scattered, but aren't they all?
What's recovery? How will I know when I'm all of me again? Can't someone just tell me when I'm there? I know that this will be something that I struggle with for a long time, if not forever in the back of my head. Which doesn't mean I can't be all of me, I just know that I won't ever forget about this time. Recently my anxiety has spiked. Yes I know it is because of my recent weight gain, which I realized today, I wish my lady hadn't told me that last Tuesday. I feel like it's really had an impact on my week. My anxiety, though it's been higher, hasn't consumed me like it used to. I am able to relax better on my own. But this week I did have like 3 breakdowns, thankfully Travis was there to calm me down, he's the most incredible boyfriend. What triggered my breakdowns? Well, I had one on Monday (which I had NO memory of at all, which is odd). Travis said I was upset that people weren't realizing my progress, mainly the doctors, but I didn't feel bad about food that night, I had some of my apple pie bread, snacked throughout D&D and then had veggies at the Ranch Room, which is safe for me and I really do enjoy.
Tuesday I am 100% sure it was from food, not that we went to dinner (which was great) or the fact that we got movie snacks (bc that's pretty safe for me and I love to do it) it was because I made a Lean Cuisine panini and 4 falafel balls. I felt so painfully guilty that it was overwhelming. Thoughts of "You already had dinner and snacks, why are you eating again" etc. Just, awful.
Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were great days, average at work, ate normal things, nothing upsetting and I felt pretty okay in my body. Saturday I got myself all worked up and could hardly breathe before going to bed. I didn't remember until this morning, well I had to ask Travis, if we had ordered nachos at the Ranch Room. We had and I had also ordered pizza and breadsticks that got there when we got home. I had 3 pieces of pizza (I think) and yes it was so so good, but I just lost it. It's been a rough day, for one because I am so full and uncomfortable from all the food last night and I have felt tremendously guilty. I have also been actively trying to put it into perspective. I split nachos with 3 people, that's not awful. I had 3 pieces of pizza, normal people do that all the time. I am trying to be okay right now. Ugh.
I would just like to add in again, how lucky I am that Travis is so patient, understanding, and knows me more than I know myself half the time.
Today? I am tired, from a long night. I have been so bloated all day. I am looking forward to taking my tummy pills, because I really need to and it will help me feel a little better, curling in my jammies at home, and getting a good normal night of sleep. No panicing, no hyperventalating, no tears. Just curling in bed, having Travis tuck me in and kiss me goodnight and falling asleep smiling because of him.
Oh, by the way. I bought jeans! Yeah. 2 pairs yesterday. At American Eagle I grabbed 8 pairs and 2 actually worked. I like that they sit low on me, not on my tummy, I like because they fit my legs and they fit my butt (funny that I almost typed 'fat ass', fuck that). I wore them last night, I felt pretty okay in them, incredibly nervous most the night, but made a good effort to really wear them in and make them mine. That's my goal for them, to make them mine and really wear them in.
My goal for tomorrow? Balance. There are lots of things I want to do tomorrow, including
-Go to the bathroom!!! Ugh, lol, awful.
-Paint my toes!
-Do laundry!!!
-Throw away old makeup that's taking up room!
-Put all my new spa stuff in the bathroom!! Fun spa basket!
-Put on jeans and wear them all day
-Go to the mall with Travis and see all the Christmas decorations!
-Roll around on the floor, a lot, maybe in the snuggie
-Kiss a lot
-Put lots of candles out for D&D
-Go to Eagles and get dice!
I am looking forward to D&D very much too.
Balance tomorrow. I want to actively try to not notice my hard areas. Breathing, balance, loving.
P.S. I found a great new fashion blog called Cupcakes and Cashmere, and I love it because the girl's fashion is just like mine, PLUS, she's a normal size! I just really admire women who are normal and have curves. That's also on my 'to work on' focusing on the woman's body. Understanding that I should not have a body of a girl but a woman. I want boobs, I want shape, and I want to love them all. I want my bras to fit again.
Edit---
I am reading this blog right now, called Bearing, Eating, Being. I've been reading it a while. A girl who is still in recovery, but went through a good year of 'refeeding' gaining weight. Anyway, she has these Practical Matters posts that are really helpful, especially where I am right now. Here's a piece from one called "Dealing with your body changing", It's nice because she went through what I'm in right now. She's on the other side, it's nice to know there's another side.
"During refeeding, touching my body in the shower set off a barrage of bad thoughts since it reminded me of how it was changing, so I used a loofah. I removed the full length mirror from my room for a while and kept only my shoulders-up mirror for makeup application. I lived in sweatpants and yoga pants and tried really hard not to notice as they got tighter. During refeeding, recognize that you have the rest of your life to work on loving your body. Don’t make yourself crazy by trying to “accept” something that will look different in a few weeks, and try to ignore the changes to your body as much as possible. You have enough to worry about. "
This is really good to read. Anyway, I'm done for now.
What's recovery? How will I know when I'm all of me again? Can't someone just tell me when I'm there? I know that this will be something that I struggle with for a long time, if not forever in the back of my head. Which doesn't mean I can't be all of me, I just know that I won't ever forget about this time. Recently my anxiety has spiked. Yes I know it is because of my recent weight gain, which I realized today, I wish my lady hadn't told me that last Tuesday. I feel like it's really had an impact on my week. My anxiety, though it's been higher, hasn't consumed me like it used to. I am able to relax better on my own. But this week I did have like 3 breakdowns, thankfully Travis was there to calm me down, he's the most incredible boyfriend. What triggered my breakdowns? Well, I had one on Monday (which I had NO memory of at all, which is odd). Travis said I was upset that people weren't realizing my progress, mainly the doctors, but I didn't feel bad about food that night, I had some of my apple pie bread, snacked throughout D&D and then had veggies at the Ranch Room, which is safe for me and I really do enjoy.
Tuesday I am 100% sure it was from food, not that we went to dinner (which was great) or the fact that we got movie snacks (bc that's pretty safe for me and I love to do it) it was because I made a Lean Cuisine panini and 4 falafel balls. I felt so painfully guilty that it was overwhelming. Thoughts of "You already had dinner and snacks, why are you eating again" etc. Just, awful.
Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were great days, average at work, ate normal things, nothing upsetting and I felt pretty okay in my body. Saturday I got myself all worked up and could hardly breathe before going to bed. I didn't remember until this morning, well I had to ask Travis, if we had ordered nachos at the Ranch Room. We had and I had also ordered pizza and breadsticks that got there when we got home. I had 3 pieces of pizza (I think) and yes it was so so good, but I just lost it. It's been a rough day, for one because I am so full and uncomfortable from all the food last night and I have felt tremendously guilty. I have also been actively trying to put it into perspective. I split nachos with 3 people, that's not awful. I had 3 pieces of pizza, normal people do that all the time. I am trying to be okay right now. Ugh.
I would just like to add in again, how lucky I am that Travis is so patient, understanding, and knows me more than I know myself half the time.
Today? I am tired, from a long night. I have been so bloated all day. I am looking forward to taking my tummy pills, because I really need to and it will help me feel a little better, curling in my jammies at home, and getting a good normal night of sleep. No panicing, no hyperventalating, no tears. Just curling in bed, having Travis tuck me in and kiss me goodnight and falling asleep smiling because of him.
Oh, by the way. I bought jeans! Yeah. 2 pairs yesterday. At American Eagle I grabbed 8 pairs and 2 actually worked. I like that they sit low on me, not on my tummy, I like because they fit my legs and they fit my butt (funny that I almost typed 'fat ass', fuck that). I wore them last night, I felt pretty okay in them, incredibly nervous most the night, but made a good effort to really wear them in and make them mine. That's my goal for them, to make them mine and really wear them in.
My goal for tomorrow? Balance. There are lots of things I want to do tomorrow, including
-Go to the bathroom!!! Ugh, lol, awful.
-Paint my toes!
-Do laundry!!!
-Throw away old makeup that's taking up room!
-Put all my new spa stuff in the bathroom!! Fun spa basket!
-Put on jeans and wear them all day
-Go to the mall with Travis and see all the Christmas decorations!
-Roll around on the floor, a lot, maybe in the snuggie
-Kiss a lot
-Put lots of candles out for D&D
-Go to Eagles and get dice!
I am looking forward to D&D very much too.
Balance tomorrow. I want to actively try to not notice my hard areas. Breathing, balance, loving.
P.S. I found a great new fashion blog called Cupcakes and Cashmere, and I love it because the girl's fashion is just like mine, PLUS, she's a normal size! I just really admire women who are normal and have curves. That's also on my 'to work on' focusing on the woman's body. Understanding that I should not have a body of a girl but a woman. I want boobs, I want shape, and I want to love them all. I want my bras to fit again.
Edit---
I am reading this blog right now, called Bearing, Eating, Being. I've been reading it a while. A girl who is still in recovery, but went through a good year of 'refeeding' gaining weight. Anyway, she has these Practical Matters posts that are really helpful, especially where I am right now. Here's a piece from one called "Dealing with your body changing", It's nice because she went through what I'm in right now. She's on the other side, it's nice to know there's another side.
"During refeeding, touching my body in the shower set off a barrage of bad thoughts since it reminded me of how it was changing, so I used a loofah. I removed the full length mirror from my room for a while and kept only my shoulders-up mirror for makeup application. I lived in sweatpants and yoga pants and tried really hard not to notice as they got tighter. During refeeding, recognize that you have the rest of your life to work on loving your body. Don’t make yourself crazy by trying to “accept” something that will look different in a few weeks, and try to ignore the changes to your body as much as possible. You have enough to worry about. "
This is really good to read. Anyway, I'm done for now.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Phase 2?
I feel like I'm there. My 'phase 2.' It took me basically 5 months to get to 'phase 1,' which was gaining a certain amount of weight and keeping it. Then I was the same for a few weeks, stable, whatnot. Now, I have gained more weight, my 'phase 2.' Thoughts? It fucking blows ass. Yes, it sucks. It hurts, I am getting bloated a lot again, like I did in the bad part of 'phase 1' and I know I know that it will level out and be stable for a while, but right now, in these critical days/weeks whatever, it's just really fucking hard. So I ran across another great recovery blog and one girl wrote in with this question (which is prevalent to me right now )
“How do you react when you feel hate for yourself and your body? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed, instead of hurting yourself or restricting?”
Obviously I don't hurt myself but the restricting absolutely applies to me. Plus, right now with my body changing I am having a lot of awful thoughts.
"Blog girl" answers as follows...
"As a woman who loves her body now (or at least likes it most of the time!), trust me when I say that you can in fact learn to stop hating yourself AND your body. This is one of the main things people struggling with eating disorders (especially those who are women) think is impossible. What I hear a lot is, “It may be possible...but not for me.” Let me tell you, ladies (and men), cut that way of thinking right out of your brain. Carve it out of there and throw it away. It IS possible for you...if you LET it be possible. And if you realize that you may have to garner an extreme amount of patience in order to wait for this sort of self-hate to dissipate."
She goes on to say the following...
“How do you react when you feel hate for yourself and your body? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed, instead of hurting yourself or restricting?”
Obviously I don't hurt myself but the restricting absolutely applies to me. Plus, right now with my body changing I am having a lot of awful thoughts.
"Blog girl" answers as follows...
"As a woman who loves her body now (or at least likes it most of the time!), trust me when I say that you can in fact learn to stop hating yourself AND your body. This is one of the main things people struggling with eating disorders (especially those who are women) think is impossible. What I hear a lot is, “It may be possible...but not for me.” Let me tell you, ladies (and men), cut that way of thinking right out of your brain. Carve it out of there and throw it away. It IS possible for you...if you LET it be possible. And if you realize that you may have to garner an extreme amount of patience in order to wait for this sort of self-hate to dissipate."
She goes on to say the following...
The first thing you need to ask yourself is: What are the circumstances surrounding my feelings of hate for myself and/or my body?
So I will answer these myself! This is to say when I am feeling these thoughts...
-Did you just discover you’d been rejected in some way by a person, a program, etc? Doubtful, Travis is my biggest support and everyone in my life is really helpful.
-Were you unsuccessful in an endeavor you had hoped to master/finish/etc? This doesn't make me hate my body, mainly because I am hardly bad at anything, I'm pretty capable.
-Did you just eat (whether it was too much or too little)? This is what it usually comes from, and it's normally when I eat a lot (for me).
-Did you just weigh yourself and not like the number? Alas, I stopped looking, which has helped a ton. I wasn't going to do this in the beginning but the number did begin to scare me.
-Did you just attempt for a long time to choose clothing to wear and were still unsatisfied with the choice you made? Yes Yes Yes. This comes from all my clothes being too small, which is why I took more to sell today. Saturday I am going shopping for clothes that fit.
-Did you just endure a hurtful/stressful/
So what helps me get past these thoughts? Awareness. When do I feel the worst? What triggers these thoughts? What am I doing at the time? Where am I?
Triggers? Anxiety 20000%, clothes, the mood I'm in, confidence, fuck I could make a huge list. But at least I can practice being more mindful and present.
When I say to myself, 'I'm frumpy and fat, no clothes fit me, I look awful blah blah then try my hardest to take a hard look at ME and try to see all of me and not just one part and to still love that part.
Okay, BREAK!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Clothes, Breathing, Food, Love
Hrm. I went to my lady yesterday and she said I gained weight. This is me excited....okay okay, part of me knows it's good and yes I do feel better, meaning I have more energy, I feel more like me for sure and the other part is terrified. UGH. I have no idea what I weigh, thank god, but I notice in the way everything fits me. I notice looking down (the worst thing ever), just these little things that I feel are so frustrating.
I mean, I look at my closet and probably 80% of my stuff stares back at me saying "You can't wear me anymore, you'll look too fat blah blah" then I'm left with a rut of the same 'safe' clothing, which I am quickly running out of. A couple weeks ago I got rid of most of my tank tops, which was good. Now, I'm thinking I should get rid of more. I don't even know what to do with my jeans? I should, take them to Buffalo and start over. Buy a pair of jeans that really fit me and that I feel good in. I want so much to have tight, dark, hot jeans again and I am SOOOO afraid of that as well. RRRRRR. What do I do with my Diesels? I have to keep them because I paid $235 for them and god dammit that's a ton of money. When I got them they fit like a glove, I mean perfectly. So yes I will keep those. However, my AF jeans and even my skinny jeans I think need to go just so I can get a replacement that doesn't have memories attached to them. That's what it is, it's the memories attached to each one of those pieces of clothes.
This is turning out to be an expensive problem, hopefully I'll get an okay amount with the ones I sell.
I just would kill for a tight fitting pair of jeans that I feel good in to wear my boots with and a coat for winter. Fuck I'm crazy.
Last night I went to Poppe's with my mom, had a great time, a really really great talk then Travis got me and we went to dinner. He said he wanted either thai, italian, or mexican. Alas, my 3 most terrifying foods, let's toss in pizza and nachos too while we're at it. BUT, probably because I was a bit drunk, I said okay, you pick and I will make myself go. So, we went to....D'Anna's. I haven't been there in years and I didn't know that they had a caesar salad, so I went thinking pasta, so so scary. But alas! They had a GREAT chicken caesar salad, which I enjoyed so so much. ALSO, we had the tapanad with bread, AND I ate my pizza bread :) It was an amazing great dinner. Then!! We went and got movie snacks!! Gah! This was me getting movie snacks, a lot of them. Then at home we finished a bottle of champagne, ate movie snacks, then I did something I never would have done. I made my lean cuisine pannini in the oven WITH 4 falaffel balls! What was I thinking?! Let me just say, that panini was fucking amazing, I wasn't expecting it to be, but it was and those falaffels were so so good. But god damn, that was A LOT of food in one day for me, a lot. Unfortunetly I am definitely feeling it today, all day, which has sucked. But my lady and nutritionist said I have a right to feel the discomfort and work through it, which means that yes I have to recognize it, realize it will happen and just deal with it in whatever way. Well, today has SUCKED. I am so bloated, full, uncomfortable, and cramped up. But what's different than a few months ago? I don't regret last night. I had an amazing, wonderful, fun time with Travis, one of my favorite nights ever. So if I have to go through a day of cramps and bloating then fine. I ate food. I am strong enough to battle through the bad days, because they will happen and I have to be able to handle it.
So there. 2 rants.
My goals this week? Recognize myself as a whole. See me as me and that I can be beautiful without being 78 pounds. This is what I will be telling myself all week.
So for question time!!!
Feeling...
-Bloated and cramped
-Happy
-Guilty
-A little scared
Wanting...
-To be home to see Travis' beautiful face
-To watch Top Chef
-To be better
-To buy clothes
Because...
-He's amazing and I had so much fun last night
- I missed it last week AND it's on tonight toooo
-I am so fucking sick of hating my body
-I have none left and want new ones that don't remind me of bad things
Procrastinating on...
-Getting stuff for the baby shower
-Getting a handle on clothes and jeans
Looking forward to...
-The baby shower and shopping Saturday
-Next Monday, as always
-Not being cramped as hell!
Daily Gratitude...
-Realizing my sexuality is coming back :) That's hard for me
-My amazing, hot, sexy, perfect boyfriend who supports me when I can't support myself
-My amazing loving parents, who are truly my heros
So, this is where I will leave you for now. Off to browse clothes online, plan baby shower stuff, and talk to myself about being okay.
I mean, I look at my closet and probably 80% of my stuff stares back at me saying "You can't wear me anymore, you'll look too fat blah blah" then I'm left with a rut of the same 'safe' clothing, which I am quickly running out of. A couple weeks ago I got rid of most of my tank tops, which was good. Now, I'm thinking I should get rid of more. I don't even know what to do with my jeans? I should, take them to Buffalo and start over. Buy a pair of jeans that really fit me and that I feel good in. I want so much to have tight, dark, hot jeans again and I am SOOOO afraid of that as well. RRRRRR. What do I do with my Diesels? I have to keep them because I paid $235 for them and god dammit that's a ton of money. When I got them they fit like a glove, I mean perfectly. So yes I will keep those. However, my AF jeans and even my skinny jeans I think need to go just so I can get a replacement that doesn't have memories attached to them. That's what it is, it's the memories attached to each one of those pieces of clothes.
This is turning out to be an expensive problem, hopefully I'll get an okay amount with the ones I sell.
I just would kill for a tight fitting pair of jeans that I feel good in to wear my boots with and a coat for winter. Fuck I'm crazy.
Last night I went to Poppe's with my mom, had a great time, a really really great talk then Travis got me and we went to dinner. He said he wanted either thai, italian, or mexican. Alas, my 3 most terrifying foods, let's toss in pizza and nachos too while we're at it. BUT, probably because I was a bit drunk, I said okay, you pick and I will make myself go. So, we went to....D'Anna's. I haven't been there in years and I didn't know that they had a caesar salad, so I went thinking pasta, so so scary. But alas! They had a GREAT chicken caesar salad, which I enjoyed so so much. ALSO, we had the tapanad with bread, AND I ate my pizza bread :) It was an amazing great dinner. Then!! We went and got movie snacks!! Gah! This was me getting movie snacks, a lot of them. Then at home we finished a bottle of champagne, ate movie snacks, then I did something I never would have done. I made my lean cuisine pannini in the oven WITH 4 falaffel balls! What was I thinking?! Let me just say, that panini was fucking amazing, I wasn't expecting it to be, but it was and those falaffels were so so good. But god damn, that was A LOT of food in one day for me, a lot. Unfortunetly I am definitely feeling it today, all day, which has sucked. But my lady and nutritionist said I have a right to feel the discomfort and work through it, which means that yes I have to recognize it, realize it will happen and just deal with it in whatever way. Well, today has SUCKED. I am so bloated, full, uncomfortable, and cramped up. But what's different than a few months ago? I don't regret last night. I had an amazing, wonderful, fun time with Travis, one of my favorite nights ever. So if I have to go through a day of cramps and bloating then fine. I ate food. I am strong enough to battle through the bad days, because they will happen and I have to be able to handle it.
So there. 2 rants.
My goals this week? Recognize myself as a whole. See me as me and that I can be beautiful without being 78 pounds. This is what I will be telling myself all week.
So for question time!!!
Feeling...
-Bloated and cramped
-Happy
-Guilty
-A little scared
Wanting...
-To be home to see Travis' beautiful face
-To watch Top Chef
-To be better
-To buy clothes
Because...
-He's amazing and I had so much fun last night
- I missed it last week AND it's on tonight toooo
-I am so fucking sick of hating my body
-I have none left and want new ones that don't remind me of bad things
Procrastinating on...
-Getting stuff for the baby shower
-Getting a handle on clothes and jeans
Looking forward to...
-The baby shower and shopping Saturday
-Next Monday, as always
-Not being cramped as hell!
Daily Gratitude...
-Realizing my sexuality is coming back :) That's hard for me
-My amazing, hot, sexy, perfect boyfriend who supports me when I can't support myself
-My amazing loving parents, who are truly my heros
So, this is where I will leave you for now. Off to browse clothes online, plan baby shower stuff, and talk to myself about being okay.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Noviembre
It's crazy that it's already November 6th. I had a pretty great October filled with copious amounts of decorations, pumpkin carving, fall baking, and snuggling. I plan to continue this fully through November :) Travis even brought me home great little pumpkins and squashes from work to decorate.
I think I've been doing pretty well. We went to Scotty Brown's on Tuesday and it was wonderfully amazing and romantic. Last night when I got off work we made a spontaneous trip to Applebees for nachos and buffalo wings. I ate all the nachos, like a trooper. And today I feel pretty okay, it is definitely better than it would have been say a few months ago. Sure, throughout the day there was guilt coupled with good thoughts. What I notice though is that the good thoughts are getting louder than the guilt and shame. This is key. Crappy thing about today? I woke up with a worse cold :( I took a bunch of Nyquil and got some head congestion pills that have kept me functioning at work, but I am fading now.
Yu-Ting brought me champagne, tea, and mascara. It was so so nice and perfect because tea is all I want right now. I'd rather be curled in my snuggy with Travis and my tea watching X-Files, but soon enough :)
Travis said the most amazing thing to me last night at Applebees. Now, I wanted the nachos because for whatever reason they are a real scary food for me and at the same time the most satisfying for me. So I didn't actually think I would eat them all, but I did. And when I was done he had the biggest smile on his face and told me how different I am when I'm full and happier. He's so supportive it's amazing. He is my world and deserves only amazing things.
Went and got weighed today, I see my lady and Dr. Jacobson on Tuesday, nutritionist on Wednesday. It's going.
Here goes the best part!
Feeling...
-Sick
-Happy
-A little sleepy
Wanting...
-To not be sick anymore or get sicker
-To not be on my lady time....
-To be at home
Because
-I was already sick! I had 3,000 mg of Vitamin C today dammit
-I am feeling pretty good in that sense ;)
-Because it's way more comfy than this desk at work
Procrastinating on...
-Calling Sallie Mae and Great Lakes!!! TOMORROW!!!
-Jeans....
-Christmas shopping!!
Looking forward to...
-Monday and Tuesday!!
-Not having a cold!
-Not being on lady time!
Daily Gratitude
-Thankful for cold medicine
-The champagne, mascara, and tea Yu Ting brought me
-An amazing night with Travis
-My forgiving body
I think I've been doing pretty well. We went to Scotty Brown's on Tuesday and it was wonderfully amazing and romantic. Last night when I got off work we made a spontaneous trip to Applebees for nachos and buffalo wings. I ate all the nachos, like a trooper. And today I feel pretty okay, it is definitely better than it would have been say a few months ago. Sure, throughout the day there was guilt coupled with good thoughts. What I notice though is that the good thoughts are getting louder than the guilt and shame. This is key. Crappy thing about today? I woke up with a worse cold :( I took a bunch of Nyquil and got some head congestion pills that have kept me functioning at work, but I am fading now.
Yu-Ting brought me champagne, tea, and mascara. It was so so nice and perfect because tea is all I want right now. I'd rather be curled in my snuggy with Travis and my tea watching X-Files, but soon enough :)
Travis said the most amazing thing to me last night at Applebees. Now, I wanted the nachos because for whatever reason they are a real scary food for me and at the same time the most satisfying for me. So I didn't actually think I would eat them all, but I did. And when I was done he had the biggest smile on his face and told me how different I am when I'm full and happier. He's so supportive it's amazing. He is my world and deserves only amazing things.
Went and got weighed today, I see my lady and Dr. Jacobson on Tuesday, nutritionist on Wednesday. It's going.
Here goes the best part!
Feeling...
-Sick
-Happy
-A little sleepy
Wanting...
-To not be sick anymore or get sicker
-To not be on my lady time....
-To be at home
Because
-I was already sick! I had 3,000 mg of Vitamin C today dammit
-I am feeling pretty good in that sense ;)
-Because it's way more comfy than this desk at work
Procrastinating on...
-Calling Sallie Mae and Great Lakes!!! TOMORROW!!!
-Jeans....
-Christmas shopping!!
Looking forward to...
-Monday and Tuesday!!
-Not having a cold!
-Not being on lady time!
Daily Gratitude
-Thankful for cold medicine
-The champagne, mascara, and tea Yu Ting brought me
-An amazing night with Travis
-My forgiving body
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Learning
My goal is to work on thinking before speaking or acting in rash ways. I am so glad Travis told me how he felt last night. We had a great talk and I do know that I can be awful, moody, difficult at times and I take it out on him. That is not okay ever. So, I will do better. He is my rock, my support, my love and the little disorder voice in me will sometimes say I should fight against everyone. In actuality, everyone is here to love me and support me. So I owe that to them as well.
Hrmph.
Eating wise, I think I have been doing pretty okay. I bring the same stuff to work each day, which is nice and there is usually something else here to snack on as well. It's so frustrating that my guard goes completely down when I drink. Now, obviously, I can't drink every time I want to eat, and I don't. But, those are the rare times that I do eat foods that normally terrify me (i.e. pizza, nachos, fries, breads). Almost every time I drink I want nachos, lol, it's ridiculous. But, the part that makes me angry at myself is when after I eat whatever I eat, I can be mean. It's the guilt setting in blah blah. Instead, I am going to work on rewarding, having compassion, and trying to be okay with what I just ate, because it's okay. So that's a good thing to work on. Everyday I learn something new about me, about Travis, about us and I am so thankful that we talk about things. Life will be full of crazy things and all I know is that we can get through any of it and that's pretty unique.
All in all though, I feel pretty okay. I have the next two days off with Travis and am so so excited for that. A date to Scotty Brown's on Tuesday! Eeeee! Plus, I finally get to play D&D tomorrow with everyone :)
Hrmph.
Eating wise, I think I have been doing pretty okay. I bring the same stuff to work each day, which is nice and there is usually something else here to snack on as well. It's so frustrating that my guard goes completely down when I drink. Now, obviously, I can't drink every time I want to eat, and I don't. But, those are the rare times that I do eat foods that normally terrify me (i.e. pizza, nachos, fries, breads). Almost every time I drink I want nachos, lol, it's ridiculous. But, the part that makes me angry at myself is when after I eat whatever I eat, I can be mean. It's the guilt setting in blah blah. Instead, I am going to work on rewarding, having compassion, and trying to be okay with what I just ate, because it's okay. So that's a good thing to work on. Everyday I learn something new about me, about Travis, about us and I am so thankful that we talk about things. Life will be full of crazy things and all I know is that we can get through any of it and that's pretty unique.
All in all though, I feel pretty okay. I have the next two days off with Travis and am so so excited for that. A date to Scotty Brown's on Tuesday! Eeeee! Plus, I finally get to play D&D tomorrow with everyone :)
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