Blustery

The word 'blustery' always reminds me of Winnie the Pooh and the Hundred Acre Woods. They had blustery winds that would carry Pooh up to the honey bee hive. I really do love those movies and books. It's really blustery out right now and I feel like I could be carried to the top of anything.

I went and got weighed today, for my third week in a row I didn't look at the number. It is so amazing not knowing how much I weigh, I love it. I care not to know :) My lady sort of got on my case on Tuesday because she knows my weight (she calls every Friday for it) and said I 'stayed the same' as last week. She thinks I'm going to plateau again or something. My nutritionist told me not to be surprised if my weight doesn't go up for a week, since I had gained weight the previous week. With things starting to work (this includes night sweats which they tell me is good and common, gross). So? I don't know?

I truly do think I'm doing pretty well. I feel so much better, I have way more energy all around. My Zoloft got upped today, so that's cool at 100mg.

Feeling
-Content
-Happy
-Excited

Wanting
-For it to be tomorrow
-To be off work with Travis
-To be mindful and present more

Because
-It's Halloween and I'm dressing up as Holly Golightly for work! No work uniform!
-We are going to watch Dracula! And snuggle :)
-I'm still not that good at being present, but working on it

Procrastinating on
-Budgeting!
-Not much else really, I made my Jacobson appt, my appt with my new doctor, paid my bills, and got my RX.

Looking Forward
-To Monday! For D&D and day off with Travis!
-Tuesday! Another day off with Travis!
-Tomorrow for all things Halloween

Daily Gratitude
-My boyfriend waking me up at night after he's come home to let me know he's okay
-My life and health
-My parents
-My animals, who I miss

One Word

My lady asked me on Thursday if I could give one word to describe my eating disorder what would it be? This took me no time to answer, control. She added anxiety as well. Control, structure, comfort all wrapped into one. I am learning to still keep these things because they are important, but act through them in a way that is healthier, obviously. I like the structure of these questions, it helps organize my thoughts, which so often feel so random. So here goes again...

Feeling
-Really full
-A little anxious
-Calm

Wanting
-To stop thinking about the 3 cookies I ate
-To stop thinking about the nachos and cheese fries
-To focus on all the exciting things ahead, especially tomorrow

Because
-I deserved the cookies dammit, they were good
-Again, I deserve to eat, even if it's nachos and cheese fries
-I have been looking forward to our Halloween party for so long

Procrastinating on
-Finding stupid heels
-Canceling my Regence insurance
-Making a new doctor appointment

Looking Forward To
-Baking tomorrow
-Decorating tomorrow
-Getting dressed up
-Spending a day off with Travis!

Daily Gratitude
-I am so happy and lucky to have great friends like Sarah and Val
-Travis looking at me with those amazing eyes and making me feel like a princess
-Fall weather !!!

An Honest Post

Yes, I stole this idea from another similar blog and really liked it, so obviously I had to try it out.

Feeling
-Quiet
-A little anxious
-Happily pleasant (makes sense huh?)

Wanting
-To stop feeling guilty for having part of a patty melt
-To be home in comfy clothes
-To have Travis hug me
-To be more mindful and in the present

Because
-I know I can eat meat, melted cheese, and bread and not die
-My heel broke at work and it is not comfy to stand on
-Travis gives the best hugs and I love his smile
-I am a little nervous about tomorrow and need to stop thinking ahead

Procrastinating on
-Getting my flu shot, but in all honesty Walgreens was out of them today
-Loving my WHOLE self

Looking Forward To
-Drinks with my mom tomorrow
-Finding my Lady Gaga costume tomorrow
-Organizing for the Halloween party
-The Halloween party (and a day off with Travis)
-Watching Top Chef
-Sleeping

Daily Gratitude
-I went and got weighed today, didn't look, and feel pretty okay about that
-As a whole, I think I did pretty good at having compassion for myself today
-Travis and everything he says to me, his words are the most amazing words I have ever heard
-Having a slow night at work so I could make Halloween crafts :)

Warming Up Fall

So how is the 'Process of letting go' going? I think pretty okay. My anxiety, compared to a few months ago, has been cut down dramatically. I can relax more (thanks to Travis), I breathe more I think, I can jog and stretch, I can look down at my body and take baby steps to embrace the changes, I have yet to try the jeans, but will be investing in new attire. I feel like so much of 'me' is back :) I smile more, I laugh more, it just feels good. So much better than it was.

Cold Air

I think today has been the coldest fall day so far. I love it. I loved the low fog all day, the quiet of it all, the cold air on my face.

Things have been good. Today I went for a jog around the neighborhood. I found myself a pretty great route and it felt so wonderful. I missed doing my daily exercise so much. It wakes me up, starts my day off great, and just feels so great. My ears were freezing at the end but it was worth it. I love looking at everyone's Halloween decorations around the neighborhood too, which then inspired me to put up decorations on our front porch, I did this immediately after.

I am rewarding myself for a. gaining weight b. practicing embracing my body c. letting myself have exercise for the right reason :)

Anywho, I have chosen a new doctor. She is in the Barkley area and I called today. No more Jacobson, no more driving to the hospital. I am looking forward to a new set of eyes and a new environment.

I had a good talk with my lady today too. We talked about my clothes and came to the conclusion that yes I do need to get rid of my tanks and shirts. Because when I see them I picture my body how it used to look wearing those, so they need to be gone. I will sell them sometime this week and slowly start building a healthier wardrobe. Still not touching the jeans, which is fine for now.

This is my second night of work and my next day off is Saturday. Travis is at work too. Saturday will be a busy day, I have to get my costume and the stuff for the Halloween party. I also really want to go to a pumpkin patch with Travis that day since he doesn't work until 5. Hopefully.

Oh and I ate 3, count that, 3 pieces of amazing satisfying pizza last night. Guess what? I feel pretty okay, I think going for my run has a lot to do with that. There's massive amounts of research linking exercise to happiness and obviously more energy etc, so it's kinda wonderful.

I think I am starting to accept parts of my changing body. I still am desperately clinging to other aspects as well. But, I think, I am starting to get used to it. I am trying at least. I go get weighed today after work. I am terrified. I decided I'm not going to look and if Sue tells me I will say something, mean.

I am in a haze today. I really miss Travis. I miss going out to dinner, going to movies, going on adventures. I really hope I get those days of the week off so we can do those things. He's perfect. He's so amazing. I am so lucky.

Food For Thought? Food for Tummies more like it

Today when I was talking to my lady I was trying to explain when I physically distance myself from people, mainly Travis. My image of my body is so distorted that I am afraid when he touches me he will see that distortion and react to it the same why I do (which is not positive). Now, obviously I can see the reality in this. I can see that my image is massively distorted and that he (let alone anyone) does not see what I even close to see. I can see that the 'feeling' of my changing body is not reflected. I understand what I 'feel' is not what is shown. She then told me I will have to literally grieve the loss of my hip bones. This is what I was trying to find words for. It is so dead on that it is literally grieving. They have always been a source of safety, protection, comfort, etc for me and with them leaving...well you can see.

So. Travis was a great listener last night too, when I was trying to put this into words. You know what he reminded me of? His love is unconditional. He will love me as much as he did yesterday and even when I am feeling all sorts of physical and emotional strain. That during those times, when I can't love myself, he can. Which led me to this, while I am sitting here at work writing in my journal. The crazy question of the day!

Why is it I feel the most guarded (sometimes) around him? I SHOULD feel the most comfortable, at home, etc around him. Granted, this is from a very broad step back. MOST of the time I do. But, why is it, in those times that are the hardest, do I distance myself from him? When the ONLY person I am fighting, ever, is myself? I find that odd because he is the most supportive and I do feel the most comfortable around him. He brings out who I am really. I think the part that steps in is from the past. Not that he is 'Travis' the fact that he is my boyfriend, he is my lover, my best friend, and those times that feel the worst for me I don't want my 'boyfriend' to feel less attracted to me.

Those are my thoughts for the moment. It's warm at work and I think I'm going to take a lap now.

Oh, but positive things right! Well, my tummy pills have NOT worked yet, tonight is night 4 of them, anytime now....BUT stay positive right? Right.

I am excited for the following...

Getting home tonight, watch TV on the new one with Travis.
Day off tomorrow, I only have 2 short appointments then Autumn's coming over to make crafts
Travis has tomorrow off too and might not be going to his concert, it would be a great movie night :)
Mkay, break!

A Day

It's important to count each day. To recognize each day. To live each day. It's too easy to bypass a day in preparation for another. I'm still practicing the art of being in the moment. Travis is the master of that and he has helped me a lot.

I am still terrified of the changes that are happening. It is so scary and beyond hard to explain. My nutritionist told me to take these 2 types of tummy pills every night for a few weeks to get things going digestive wise. I haven't been very good about it yet, because the couple nights I took it, the day after I felt so uncomfortable. I understand I have to stick with it and just make it through those days. So ugh, tonight I will take all of them.

I have a cold right now, my head is fuzzy, my throat is sore, and my nose is runny. My colds usually last 3 days at the most. I work too, which honestly I would rather be working than sitting at home sick. Because god knows I do not do well sitting at home being sick, I go insane. So I am thankful to be here, even with sickness. Tonight I will take some Nyquil and sleep as much as I can, repeat tomorrow.

I forgot I am supposed to be writing down what I am thankful for. So today, Sunday, I am thankful for
-The beautiful fall weather and all the colors
-Halloween decorations
-The amazing things Travis told me last night
-Being able to go home to the love of my life

As for writing things that I love about myself, here goes :)
Today I am rather smitten with my nails, they look nice. I am also feeling okay about my stomach right now (my awful scary area), I am trying to get used to seeing my hip bones leave. Positive note on that would be when they leave I get to exercise again :) Which makes me really happy, I miss my morning runs. I am very excited for that again. Actually, on Friday I went for a run, it was a slow one, but deserved due to my weight gain, and it felt truly great.

I go in for my weight on Tuesday. I am torn whether or not I want to see it. I don't want to but I also don't want Sue to mumble it again. I will flat out tell her no. I loathe her...
The last thing I want is to not become obsessed with the number. I would rather feel my body change than look at the number. On the other hand, sometimes it is comforting. Hrm? Still have a couple days to think on it.

Also, on a side note. I read this blog, the girl who is 29 and seriously every post she does there are so many similarities between us it's silly. This week she watched "Shrink", so did I. She cleans and does laundry to feel accomplished (same), she worries about money all the time (same), she eats little kid cliff bars (same), she fears disappointment from people and talked about that in therapy (so did I last week). It's just funny to read because I feel like we think a lot a like. It's nice to know I'm not the only crazy one out there too. Also, she has a kitten she adores (I still need one) and has an amazing, supportive, loving man ( I'm positive mine is better though).

Moving on.

I have always thought it was important to always have things to look forward to. Whether it's a coffee date, a trip, or something as simple as going to a pumpkin patch. It's nice to look ahead. So, I will write what I am looking forward to currently....
-Doing Halloween crafts and baking with Autumn on Wednesday
-Working the 8-4 shift Thursday morning (because I can wear what I want and get to sit down the whole shift!)
-Baking the strawberry margarita cake for the auction on Saturday (and the auction in general).
- Watching Trav and I's scary movie, Boot Camp.
-Oh and I will toss this one out there, being a little more recovered each day.
-Oh and carving pumpkins with Travis

Things I am proud of.
-I allowed myself to have 2 of my amazing cookies, I wish I had more :(
-I allowed myself to eat some of my pumpkin bread (even if I was a little drunk)
-I just had 5 of Yu Ting's fries

These are okay.

It's 8 now and my cold is kicking in more. I feel so weak and just want to be in bed so much. 3 hours....

Wow, it's only 9 and I just ate some crackers and wasabi. Not smart. I feel so cold sick I am counting the hours...

Fear and Loathing or Freedom and Loving?

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the woman's body this week ( Hey yo). All the different shapes, sizes, forms. I've been working on waking up each day and thinking about what I like about myself. Working on compassion for my body and myself. Forgiveness. And...it's going.

I'm trying to challenge myself each day too. Do one thing that's scary. It doesn't have to be huge, it can be as little as having a piece of cake or a cookie (Usually though, that leads to 5 .... :) Yesterday I got off work and we were all going out. I was nervous because I didn't know what to put on. It's cold out now and I can't wear shorts that often so I threw on some jeans, a tank, and the sweater Travis got me for Christmas. Initially I felt so uncomfortable. The jeans were not falling off my body (this made me nervous) the tank and sweater were fitted (this also made me nervous). But I said fuck it and went with it. And you know what? I felt like me that night. I was still feeling for my hip bones at points (which are leaving) but for the majority of the night I felt pretty great.

I have to be able to look down and not let what I see determine my day. For example, right now, I'm bloated beyond belief (thanks recovery) and I really do feel huge. BUT, I'm going to roll with it. Because I know for one, my mind is distorted beyond belief. I know that I don't look like I feel. I know that my body is thanking me for the weight gain, even if it makes me want to scream no and run in the other direction. The other part of me is comforted. Because I can laugh and smile about it.

I have also been blog stalking like nobody's business. I have 2 main ones I follow. A 24 year old girl in recovery from ED living in New York City and a 29 year old in recovery from ED. Both are at very different points and very different types of people. The girl in NY I think is recovered more than the other. She is living my dream of experiencing different exciting things and relishing in the beauty of small things, she is to say the least, mindful and present (my goal). The other girl is struggling more. Unlike NY girl, she has been to inpatient, gotten married, split up, and they are currently moved back in. It's interesting to read about how her husband has been through all of her ED time. She is on a similar outpatient as me and we eat similar things. But what I like about hers is she says what she's thankful for everyday in her blog. So I will start that. Positive thoughts.

Today I am thankful for
1. Travis visiting me at work.
2. Getting a new Glamour magazine
3. Chocolate brownie Luna bars
4. The fact I am going to eat hella popcorn and watch a scary movie tonight
5. The cold and ability to wear a scarf and pea coat.

Breathing?

I did not especially enjoy yesterday. It was another day off, more importantly I didn't have any plans for it. On my Saturday off I knew I was going to see the girls, go out with my mom, and clean up around the house. Sunday however....Sunday got to me. Which hasn't happened in a few weeks (which is nice). The day drug along. I tried to occupy my time but ned just kept creeping up on me, lingering in the back of my thoughts until he was out full force and just yelling. I hated it. All I wanted was it to be the next day. For it to be over. I ate what felt like to me a lot and felt worse after each thing I swallowed. I went to bed with an awful stomach ache and emotionally exhausted and destroyed from a full day of ned.

I woke up not that great either. I still feel sick from yesterday...emotionally/physically. Detached from my own body. I didn't feel me this morning. I even jerked away when Travis tried to hold me. When I feel so detached It's like anything that touches me feels like it's miles away. Talk about not being mindful or in the moment.

I am at work now, I feel a little better being at work just because it forces me to pull myself out of it. But I still feel detached. I feel like my body isn't my own. I feel like my body hasn't been my own in months. I want it back. I want me back.

I want to be able to wake up and put on whatever I want. I want to be able to wear my jeans. I want to wear clothes that are tight again and not feel like throwing up. I want to be able to go do anything on a whim and not be afraid of what might happen. The anxiety, yes is down, but the physical goes up.

I know I can do this. But sometimes, when it hurts so much...I would rather not eat than feel like that. The guilt that I feel with this process is horrible. It was horrible yesterday because ned was there all day. I know I hear from people that I deserve this time to feel whatever it is I need to feel to get through it, but I feel like such an awful burden. I am a wet blanket. All I want is to hang out with people all the time, love to my fullest capability, and have my drive for everything back. Since these things aren't back yet, It is so frustrating for what I put people through. Nobody deserves it.

I know it's supposed to get better. I know I know. But I need for me to be me. Especially because it is my favorite time of the year right now. I am absolutely in love with Oct/Nov/Dec. Fall, leaves, pumpkins, cider. I do not want to miss any of it. I need to be present for it.

Ned makes me not present. If he is yelling I will be there physically but I am not mentally there. It's like I can't even comprehend what's going on around me or what people are saying because I am trying so hard fighting with ned.

I need to be present. Help me be present.

Thoughts from Today's Appointment

So, what's the deal with a lifestyle of anorexia? To me, anorexia is restriction of desire in the hope that the feeling of control/security/safety/stability will bring happiness and calm. A reassurance of sorts.


There is no true happiness in anorexia. There's a rush at the beginning of the disease, that feeling of power, of being above needing. That vanishes though and we're left chasing. Then we're stuck in an illness that perpetuates itself because the brain is malnourished. As Carrie said in a recent post, though the behaviors of anorexia are initially rewarding, they become punishing.
What was once so empowering has power over us.


I remember who I was before I developed anorexia. I could relish a day off, without wondering how to fill the hours most efficiently. I could eat anything I wanted. I knew what I wanted. I wasn't overly adventurous in getting it, but I wasn't restrictive by any means. Now, it's hard for me to know what I want because what I want is quickly shushed by rules and "shoulds." I can make guesses at what I want. I can do what Carrie suggests and ask, "What would a recovered person do?" That seems to be the only way -- experimentation, and tolerance of resulting anxiety.