Distortion

It is Saturday night at work around 9. I wanted to write about distortion. Because that's what I've been sadly thinking about a lot today. I can look at pictures and people and see normal things. But when I look at myself I am just so distorted that I have no sense of what I really look like. Of what my body looks like. To me, it seems that I must look huge compared to what I did a few months ago. I wonder sometimes what people think when they see me. If they think to themselves 'Wow, she's put on weight' 'She's not petite like she used to be.'

I think I clung on so tight to my anorexia because it made me unique. It gave/gives me an identity that nobody else I know has. No matter what happened in my life, at least I was really skinny. And honestly what made it hard to stop or even notice were all the compliments I got at that weight. I understand that I still get them now, but it's hard because I got them then. That doesn't make much sense. Then again, this disease doesn't make much sense.

Today hasn't been as hard as the last couple nights at work. I didn't have any valium, because the RX ran out. But I get something new on Monday (hopefully). My anxiety has spiked. It spikes when my body gains. This is the third.

I have tomorrow, Sunday off, which is unusual but nice once in a while. I will use it as a 'me day.' A day of reflection of the past week, what made me so anxious, what I could have done better, things like that. I will also be SUPER cleaning. So very excited because today I purchased....CLOROX wipes, PAPER towels, and FRUITY DISH SOAP. Love simple pleasures. I cannot wait to just give the house a good deep clean. I feel relaxed when it's clean. Then I will venture to Costco!! It's been a few weeks, I feel like when I sample food at Costco it doesn't count in my 'food rules.' So that's always nice :)

Then I will come home, maybe even take a bath (if my anxiety lets me). Grab Mr. Oliver and hopefully find some good movies. I also hope to munch on some smoked gouda popcorn.

Anywho. I have been eyeing this particular skirt for a few weeks. I will wait to see if it goes on sale. But I think I was also so drawn to it from the adds. These women modeling it have what I hate least about myself. The part below my hip bones. The part that I am always touching trying to push away. But these women are wearing this skirt with heels and t-shirts and they have that part on their body and they flaunt it. It is a part of the woman's body. It's not a part of an obese person but of a normal woman. I am so afraid of that part but want to embrace it. So here's the add picture.