Comparing

Interesting that my lady and I were talking about comparing at my appointment on Tuesday. The majority of my life has been comparing. Why does it seem like I don't have enough faith in MYSELF for knowing what is right for me, instead of comparing to others to see what's 'normal?' There is no normal. There is normal for me, and that has to be what feels right (and yes is healthy).

Tonight Kim wrote about comparing food and people. She used to obsessively stalk food blogs (I did this too, I still do but not nearly to the extent I used to). I used to get to work and open 7 windows, all of baking blogs that I looked at, it was...basically porn for me. Kim said the same thing, funny. I would compare and judge when people wrote "I ate 1/3 cup oatmeal with 1/4 cup seeds...." Thinking really? 1/3 cup? Does that even fill up the bowl? Fuck, I've never measured (okay I did measure my Kashi Go Lean and would eat it out of a small tupperware) but I never measured anything else.

Now, I grab my 'big' bowl and fill it to the top with cereal and yummy vanilla coconut milk. And 90% of the time, I go back for more! So fuck you people who only eat 1/3 cup cereal and then claim they are 'full.' Bullshit.

Not sure where this is going, bc there are some really annoying guests standing in front of me and I keep evesdropping and losing my train of thought. BUT. I'll continue in some odd way.

Hrm, now moving on to 'Blogxygen' Today she wrote this."Part of me is terrified of my new body, of its curves and its extra extra somethin somethin, but also a part of me is thinking YES YES wow I’m doing it. I’m finally showing the world and myself that I am willing to let go of my eating disorder; that I am willing to see if there is more to me than a low BMI and an even lower number on the scale. It’s both exhilarating and terrifying. It’s beautiful."


OH! One more thing! What the fuck are OVERNIGHT OATS!?!?! SERIOUSLY!?


I truly feel like I am also at this point. It's so so scary but I have moments that I'm excited to see what is out there and available to me now. Then I get scared again, it rotates.

"I’m a work in progress. And I hope the finished product is something I can be proud of. And now, for the first time in almost ten years, I’m at least willing to find out. To try."-Brie

Wow, I mean really. I almost just want to scream down the halls right now and just say I'm doing this. I'm doing this for real. I have to do this. There is no going back to the way things were. I am so much happier now (even amidst my moments of complete hatred towards my body). I laugh more. I laugh with Travis more. We snuggle more, we even touch tummies even though I hate it sometimes ( I secretly love it). It's going to be okay.



So, small update on the 'experiment' gone array. We were possibly going to venture out last night, Tuesday, to Boundary Bay to do the experiment. But my babe was too high and fucked up from his wisdom tooth. So right away I had many thoughts all which included...."YES, no pressure to eat real food" "Sad, I really wanted to try something besides a harvest salad" to "Shit, what am I going to eat now?" "I should just eat popcorn and that's it" "I could go get hot food, maybe thai?" "No way, stick with safe food that's it."

FUck, so crazy me went to Haggen. Here's my trip in a nutshell...
-I wanted a wrap, Mexican Chicken preferably. Enter crazy thought (eat that and you'll feel like shit tomorrow).
-Moved onto the sushi section, hmm wanted some sushi, but they actually only had the gross salmon stuff made.
-Moved onto the deli.....I really really wanted some of the baked mac and cheese and some pasta salad and the thai salad. Crazy thoughts...(Don't eat that you'll feel awful fat ass). So I was able to get a little thing of waldorf salad (not bad).
-Move onto the bulk section. I really wanted to get 'movie snacks' but was only able to get 2 kisses and 15 jelly bellies.
-Then I went to get a bag of my favorite smoked gouda popcorn.
-So first I had my waldorf salad and 2 wheat thins. Then when Lost started I pulled out the popcorn, I got halfway through and decided I was sorta burnt out. So....bad habit...I threw the rest of the popcorn away and opted for a bowl of cereal ( I was craving vanilla milk) So I had a bowl of cereal with a banana and then ate my kisses. I was pretty satisfied. And I even had another tiny bowl of cereal around 1:15.....
Crazy sporatic eating right? Story of my life. But I think I did pretty okay compared to 6 months ago when I had to find dinner and eat alone.