High Anxiety

Hello. It's 7:03 at work on Saturday. This week has been full of anxiety. But I am working through it with help from Travis and Oliver. Thursday night we went out with all our friends and had a wonderful time! Then they all came back to our house and stayed super late. It was really great because we are all going to Vegas together.
Friday I had a difficult 'body' day. I'm just trying to recognize where the triggers come from and go from there.
I am really trying to love my body.
Thankfully I was able to switch my days off so I now have Mon/Tues off. Tomorrow (Sunday) at work will be slow and quiet. I hope not too full of anxiety. Monday I have a hair touch up appointment at Za Zen with my new favorite hair lady.


It's 8:23.
8:41 now. Woot.











Edit this part of the post was from Wednesday.----->>>>>>>>>>>>Wasn't that a movie? I feel like I am spinning, literally. I went to my lady which was good and then went to the doctor. Floyd wants to see me next Wednesday. But I'm just not sure what to do until then. My lady specifically wants me on something until Wednesday but I don't think they renewed my RX. I don't know.

So again with my cosmic theory of us disordered eating people kinda having one brain. As I was writing this I skipped to 'Ed Bites' and Carrie's post is as follows
...

"Oh the anxiety

So I had planned to do part two of the DSM-V eating disorders series, but that got sidelined by a massive bout of anxiety. I can't think straight. I can hardly sit still. I have chewed my nails into nubbins (not that there was a lot for me to chew, but somehow I managed). I have a lot of uncertainties in my life: if I'm going to be able to make a go at being a writer, if financially everything will work out, if I'm ever going to be free of this ED, if if if if if. I hate "if". Tell me "when." Now would be nice. I spent much of the evening working on my writing projects and getting nothing accomplished because my brain kept zooming from one worry to the next. I eventually gave up and flipped through my newest National Geographic. In some sense, I'm tolerating the anxiety because I haven't completely imploded. In another sense, I want to just crawl out of my own skin. My mom asked if there was anything she could do to help with the anxiety. I looked at her and said: "Could you get me a treadmill?" It's not even the burning calories part that's attractive--that frenetic movement seemed to exhaust my brain so that it was almost impossible to worry so much. And during exercise, my brain shut off completely. So I'm going to go try and get some sleep and hope that everything works out."


Can that be anymore weird?

Anyway. I am now occupying my time by looking up stories of captive animals who have escaped and attacked people. This is due to the death of Seaworld Orca trainer today. The whale apparently grabbed her by the waist and drug her around the pool and underneath and against the walls killing her.

A Me Day

So today is one of my days off where I'm alone. For the most part of the day I lurked around in the beautiful sun, got some groceries for the week, including Strawberry Fields cereal. Then I decided that I would make a smoothie when I got home. I blended yogurt, blueberries, a banana and some crystal light cranberry grape. It was really good.

Then the anxiety hit. Surprise surprise. It was only 5 and I almost just panicked because I didn't know what to do with food for the rest of the night. At work it's structured but when I'm alone it's awfully hard.

I sort of snapped out of it, took a bath, tried to put Oliver in, finished the laundry now I made a nest in the middle of the living room and watching a movie while Oliver attacks and bites me.

Distortion

It is Saturday night at work around 9. I wanted to write about distortion. Because that's what I've been sadly thinking about a lot today. I can look at pictures and people and see normal things. But when I look at myself I am just so distorted that I have no sense of what I really look like. Of what my body looks like. To me, it seems that I must look huge compared to what I did a few months ago. I wonder sometimes what people think when they see me. If they think to themselves 'Wow, she's put on weight' 'She's not petite like she used to be.'

I think I clung on so tight to my anorexia because it made me unique. It gave/gives me an identity that nobody else I know has. No matter what happened in my life, at least I was really skinny. And honestly what made it hard to stop or even notice were all the compliments I got at that weight. I understand that I still get them now, but it's hard because I got them then. That doesn't make much sense. Then again, this disease doesn't make much sense.

Today hasn't been as hard as the last couple nights at work. I didn't have any valium, because the RX ran out. But I get something new on Monday (hopefully). My anxiety has spiked. It spikes when my body gains. This is the third.

I have tomorrow, Sunday off, which is unusual but nice once in a while. I will use it as a 'me day.' A day of reflection of the past week, what made me so anxious, what I could have done better, things like that. I will also be SUPER cleaning. So very excited because today I purchased....CLOROX wipes, PAPER towels, and FRUITY DISH SOAP. Love simple pleasures. I cannot wait to just give the house a good deep clean. I feel relaxed when it's clean. Then I will venture to Costco!! It's been a few weeks, I feel like when I sample food at Costco it doesn't count in my 'food rules.' So that's always nice :)

Then I will come home, maybe even take a bath (if my anxiety lets me). Grab Mr. Oliver and hopefully find some good movies. I also hope to munch on some smoked gouda popcorn.

Anywho. I have been eyeing this particular skirt for a few weeks. I will wait to see if it goes on sale. But I think I was also so drawn to it from the adds. These women modeling it have what I hate least about myself. The part below my hip bones. The part that I am always touching trying to push away. But these women are wearing this skirt with heels and t-shirts and they have that part on their body and they flaunt it. It is a part of the woman's body. It's not a part of an obese person but of a normal woman. I am so afraid of that part but want to embrace it. So here's the add picture.

Spinning/Mindful

I spend 40 hours a week standing at this desk watching people walk by. Checking in, Checking out, going to the Bistro for dinner or for drinks or for appetizers. More than half the time I see beautiful women, who walk in looking incredible in amazing outfits, walking with confidence and the most important part.....are a normal weight. I see them and sometimes I just get so mad at myself for not being able to be like that. I hate it. It's not fair. Why can't I just accept/love my body and do that. Walk into someplace and not have the first thing I think about being something about my body/weight/stomach/legs. I want my confidence. I want the acceptance of my body. I want to be not always fighting with myself about whether or not I am hating my body at the moment. It changes probably 100 times during the day. My anxiety has been nuts at work the last couple days.

I just....want to relax. I want to look at my body and say to myself 'Okay, this is what I've got, I'll work with it and dress to compliment my body.'

Also, tonight is not my night at work. Eh..

I want to be home with my nut and kitten.

Bleh.

Cinnamon

"I feel frozen. I feel so nervous and worried that I feel like I can't move. I feel too gross to move. I'm afraid to even walk right now from the couch to the bathroom to brush my teeth because I'm afraid that, when I walk, I might feel my thighs touch, or I might brush my arm against my stomach and realize how big it is.... That's how I've been feeling all day. I'm afraid to move in case I accidentally touch myself in the process."

I don't like times like that.

Interesting

I think I need to be more honest in this blog about myself. It's 6:13 at work right now and I haven't had my Luna bar yet, I am hungry and a little dizzy. I'm just waiting for a chance to sneak back there and eat it. In the mean time I was reading "Now is Now" blog and she had a major 'ed day' and she wrote down what happened. This made me laugh a little because I have totally done this and sadly still do things like this sometimes. Here's her deal

Food intake today:

• wake up, drink 2 mugs of black coffee, reach my hand into a cereal box, pull out a handful of honey bunches of oats, put it in a bowl, eat that dry handful of cereal
• at work, I went to lunch with coworkers. They ate pizza. I ate the crust of two slices of bread for the table + lettuce with no dressing
• I felt guilty after that "lunch." I thought I felt too full.
• 5 min later, I was hungry.
• I bought ice cream with the plan to eat one bite of it and throw it away. I did just that.
• I bought frozen yogurt with the plan to eat 5 bites of it and throw it away. I did just that.
• I had a left over quesadilla in the fridge. I decided I'd open up a wedge of the quesadilla and eat only the pepper out of it. I ate two bites of pepper, got nervous, and threw away the wedge of quesadilla.
• I went to a student's house to tutor, the mom gave me cookies, I put two of them in my pocket, pretending to eat them but actually not.
• I went back to another wedge of the quesadilla and decided I could have one bite and then I'd throw all of them away. I took ended up eating 1/3 of a wedge ( a few bits), felt horrile for breaking my "rule," and threw the quesadilla out the window of the car. I know how bad this is... I just needed to quick get it away form me.
• I decided I would buy a soy latte (yes, I spent a million dollars on food today). I drank the whole thing.
• I met a friend for dinner. She ordered a veggie burger. I was feeling so guilty about the latte, so bad about myself, that I just drank diet coke and ate nothing. I ordered a salad and combed through it, but I never put any in my mouth.
• I peeled an orange, ate part of the white inside of the peel, and threw the whole orange away.
• I bought klondike bars. I took one bite out of each klondike, and threw the box away.
• By this time I felt way out of control.
• I walked into my apartment, and, without any thinking, ate two handful of almonds. I felt so gross.
• The end. I know this doesn't look like a lot of food, but I am really full, and it was too much.

Interesting and crazy yes, but god damn if I had a dollar for every time I did something weird with food I could fucking retire on a beautiful island. lol. But seriously, I think to go through recovery you have to laugh at yourself sometimes. You have to take things not so seriously. So, I thought it would be funny to write down some of the odd things I have done with food, a lot like this girl's post. It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one that has done fucked up things.

-I've made a batch of oatmeal, M&M, Recess, white chocolate chunk cookies, taken them out of the oven, sat there picking through the chocolate pieces while throwing pieces of them away. Probably all in all I ate one cookies but destroyed them all.
-I constantly eat the toppings off pizza. But only the things I think are safe. Namely olives. I do eat the peppers off and even sausage I'm a jerk I know.
-Okay, this one is bad, I have looked in the fridge at work and seen a sandwhich and honestly removed parts of the cheese and meat and ate it. I'm sick I know.
-I have gone through a pint of ice cream only scooping out the chunks then having a meltdown and pouring water and soap into the ice cream.
-I have poured dish soap on the following items: Pizza, bread, cake, cookies, cupcakes, meats, cheeses, cats (just kidding about the cats).
-The chef at work made banana bread one time, and I took a couple pieces and picked out the banana chunks then poured water on the rest.
-I have many many times taken bites of things (pizza, bread, really anything) then spit it into the trash.

Golly. Nuts much?

Anxiety Attack

So my lady talked to me this week about identifying my anxiety, when it starts, what's causing it etc. Right now my anxiety level (from 1-10, 10 being really bad) I would say I am an 8. I feel like I can't really breathe. So, what do I think is causing this?
1. I'm wearing a new skirt that is tight and I feel honest to god fucking huge in.
2. I am still losing my mind over eating 1 1/2 bowls of cereal last night and 3 tablespoons of ice cream.
3. I feel guilty for not going on a jog on Tuesday.

This blows. I recognize where it is coming from and immediately I just fixate on my body. I had a mini melt down on Monday night. I ranted on and on how much I loathe my body. Granted, these are not constant feelings. My good thoughts out weigh my bad ones, but I still have these really drastic feelings from time to time.

FUCK. I just want to embrace my WOMANLY body and love my curves. I don't know what to do with them. I don't know how to walk or show off my new body. I'm so scared.

Gah. Guess I'll go in the back and watch the puppies online. Mine is the white one, I have named him Snowball. He will be the greatest.

Oh Diazepam

So this week has been experimenting with Diazepam. First I took 1mg which did nothing. Then I took 2mg which also did nothing. I just took 4mg and I think I notice something? Maybe or maybe I'm just crazy. I feel a little bit more at ease. Today's been hard because I have been feeling beyond guilty for eating some digiorno pizza last night and some ice cream and popcorn. It was all so so good thought, but alas the day after sucks ass.

BUT! On a great note. Travis was so amazing and got me a giant rose, an amazing cute basket, an adorable lady bug and yummy pear chocolate. Then we had a great night out with great friends at Copper Hog. Cab home then yummy Digiorno pizza (still my favorite) then I made a mini root beer float with some ice cream and had some of my delish smoked gouda popcorn. It was a great Valentine's Day. Our second <3

Tomorrow his sister comes up to visit and staying the night. I'm excited. I'm also really excited to
A. Do laundry!
B. Vacume the shit out of the house :)
C. Clean Clean Clean :)
D. Cuddle boy and kitten
E. SHOPPING!!! Going to the mall with Cassidy. I am getting new mascara and MAYBE try some stretch jeans. WHO KNOWS!?!?! Endless possibilities.

Okay, I think I might be a teeny bit high. Not sure. I feel alright and can't believe it's already 9!

Baller

KITTEN PICTURES!!!

Who Am I?

Without anorexia? For so long that has made me 'unique.' Even if it was negatively unique. I've always been seen as the tiny one. I understand (logically) that I still will be seen as the tiny one after I have beaten my battle with this disease. So what else am I? Brie at Blogxygen wrote a similar post.

-I'm a girlfriend (I think a pretty good one).
-I'm a daughter.
-I'm a bomb ass employee.
-I'm a quasi-baker (even if I just throw random shit into the oven and see what happens..)
-I'm a mama to a tiny kitten that I love so very much.
-I think I'm pretty fashionable (when I don't let my ED thoughts get in the way and tell me otherwise).
-I'm a college graduate with a priceless degree. (so they say).
-I'm funny.
-I'm pretty.
-I'm lucky to be surrounded by amazing people who love me and a great life.
-I'm stubborn.
-I'm an only child (in oh so many ways).
-I'm predictable (working on that).
-I'm neurotic.
-I'm compulsive.
-I love the shit out of cleaning and organizing.
-I like making people happy and feel special.
-I'm pretty crazy.
-I'm more in love than I thought I would ever be and so very excited for everything to come.
-I'm in awe of not knowing what the future holds, where we will be, travel to, do, explore, ah!
-I love animals.

On that note, let's' move onto some adorable pictures. Thank you dearly

www.dailycuteness.com

Reminds me of our little guy

"Goodbye Ed, Hello Me"

I finally got my book in the mail. The sequel to "Life Without Ed", Jenni Schaefer's "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me."

The book is broken up into parts, like the first one. But this time, at the end of each part I'm going to record what my answers to her questions are. So, here's the first!

*Your Vision of Freedom*

"When you have some alone time, sit quietly and take a few deep breaths. After you feel grounded, write answers to the following questions."

-Does using the term in recovery keep me sick or keep me healthy?
The term in recovery I think keeps me a little sick but I also think that is exactly where I am right now. I am in recovery. I am certainly not recovered but I am also not in denial.
-Does using the term recovered keep me sick or keep me healthy?
The term recovered is not something I can place on myself right now. I know I am not but I also have no idea what that will feel like.
-Look at your responses. What is your vision of freedom from ED?
My vision of freedom? A life without rules regarding food.

Right About Now...

Would be a great time to take either of my new anxiety pills. I get them on Tuesday, but it would be times like this to take one.

I'm at work and it's only 6:30. It has felt like the longest shift so far. Probably because the Super Bowl is on and Travis is at home watching it with people. I wish I could be there. So of course the night is dragging. Plus, I haven't been able to eat yet :( I want my Luna bar :(

I'm whining. It's a bad body day. I feel *Insert all my bad thoughts here*. Bleh. I just want to be home, in my jammies, curled up and ready for sleeps. I am very looking forward to my days off.

P.S. The Saints are totally going to win the Super Bowl :)

A Week in Review...Almost

So my week is basically over, it's Saturday night and I just have tomorrow at work then 2 days off :)

It's been a really nice week. Amazing incredible weather that just makes me smile all the time. I love it.

Monday....was a let down due to the 'pot brownie' (note to self). But the rest of the week was nice and quiet. We stayed in watched some TV and movies and relaxed. It was very nice.

I have moved from my coconut vanilla milk to almond vanilla milk next. We'll see which is best!

Pretty average week food wise. Monday was my only unique day. I managed to eat 2 pieces of pizza with my cereal. I thought I was a genius dipping my pizza into my cereal. I remember saying to myself 'How have I never though of this before???' Crazy.

Anywho, This week I think i've done pretty damn well and looking at my body in a different way. I have always tried different ways but this week was specifically looking at my body not as 'different' but as 'better.' Yes my body's changed a lot and instead of looking at it and trying to get back to what it was I am looking and saying 'This is my new and improved body' and trying to roll with that. So I think it's gone pretty okay this week. Go me!

I'm a little sad I work during Super Bowl but would MUCH rather have both of my days off with Travis. So no worries, Sunday's are always quiet nights.

It's that time of the post for cute animal pictures.

50 Ways to Leave Your Eating Disorder

Kim at "Adventures in Wanting" wrote this last year in her blog. Very insightful and full of good ideas. I need good ideas always! Travis is great for good ideas, so is my lady, and I need to find some good ones on my own too!! So here's what she wrote and I'll add after each. How exciting! (work's slow).

1. Find a therapist who "gets" you (even if you have to go through a few retards who never should have gotten their psychology degrees). I am lucky enough to have found an amazing lady my first time (this time). My last lady was just...meh. She was more into what I call 'hippie healing' than really helping me. I never told her 90% of the stuff I tell my lady. And my lady (bless her heart) keeps me accountable. Even if that means making me cry. When she tells me I'm doing a good job, i sure as fuck believe her.

2. Consult a psychiatrist if you or your therapist think meds may help with any depression, anxiety, etc. I have recently found a much better more active doctor. My first was slow and did no follow ups on my meds. I am now on a good med and adding some on Tuesday.

3. Start to eat all "regular" food. This means no "light" or "reduced fat" or "fat free" versions. Note: I think it's probably ok to go back to these if you really prefer them, but when first embracing recovery and freedom, I think it's essential to have regular ice cream and mayo and cheese and all that...just to show yourself you can. Okay, I do eat real cheese and ice cream. I do drink non-fat milk and now I'm on a almond milk kick, I do tend to eat nonfat yogurt, but at least I am eating these things now, unlike before.

4. Eat snacks between meals. Keep your blood sugar even to keep your sanity.
I have always been great at snacks! I prefer snacks over meals which was a difficult conversation with my nutritionist to say the least. So we worked it out where I am always eating snacks. Granted I have had to change my snacks from rice cakes to say Luna bars. And zero calorie mustard to say hummus. But the change has been good and yummy. I rarely ever have low blood sugar anymore. 6 months ago I had low blood sugar the majority of the day and would stay in bed a lot. Now I usually just get hungry before my Luna bar.

5. Buy things at the grocery store without looking at the nutrition info.
I have been much better at this. I still look at nutritional info on cereal. There are so many yummy cereals out there that look sooo good, I am really trying to one day buy one of the granola ones. I choose not to look at any other nutrition. Hell no to pizzas, hamburgers, menu items at restaurants. I pretty much know these things are high so choose to live in a dillusional state than really see what they are. I do check nutrition of coffee drinks, I always have. Travis said to me one day 'why don't you just order what sounds good?' Genius! God damn, I will do that one day, but I feel safe with my coffee misto at the time being.

6. Go to a restaurant and order something on the menu that you really want, as opposed to the "healthy" option.
This is in progress.

7. Say "yes" to a sponanteous social invitation involving a snack or meal.
I have yet to do this. This is hard. Actually, I did the day after Thanksgiving, we went to lunch! I fear lunch like the plague. For whatever reason...But yes, this is something to keep in mind. If I want to get a bagel or muffin at Starbucks, god dammit I should just get it, be spontaneous! I am the definition of spontinaity..........right?

8. Invite someone to a social outing involving a snack or meal.
Hrm, this is hard. I would really like to go get dinner one night with the girls. Very scary concept. I should also keep this in mind.

9. Say "no" to something you really don't want to do. Disappointing people and sitting with it is really important, I think.
Okay, I have really been good at this. I enjoy very much saying no.

10. Speak your mind. Express what you want, what you don't want, etc.
Travis has helped me with this so so much. He knows when there's something on my mind and knows me well enough that when I talk about it I feel a million times better and can relax. Rad.

11. See how it feels to not exercise for a week or two. Again, I think exercise can be healthy, but if it's been abused, I think it's important to show yourself that you don't HAVE to do it.
I did take a long break from exercise. From about June until November. It was nice but it is also nice to jog around the block each day to wake up.

12. Ban fashion and celebrity magazines for a while. I don't think pictures of models in bikinis cause eating disorders, but they're triggering. If you're really into fashion and style and all that, you can come back to the magazines later.
I have bought 2 Women's Health magazines (bad). Glamour though I like, it's fashion and not so much losing weight. Plus they are the ones that featured what our society loves to call "Plus Sized Models" as real models. Rad.

13. Change up your breakfasts, lunches, and dinner to make sure you're not getting into ruts.
Ha! Rut! Me?! No way....God damn I am the master of food ruts. But, to my credit, I have branched out to Smoked Gouda popcorn which I love! And Vanilla milk with cereal! So yes I am branching out little bits at a time.

14. Follow a meal plan.
Honestly? I never went one entire day following my 'meal plan.' I never did. But I still made it, I took concepts from the plan and added them.

15. Stop following a meal plan when you and your treatment team think it's not necessary, or even inhibiting.
See previous.

16. Don't worry about what everyone around you is eating (or not eating).
This is a big trigger for me. I don't want to be the only one eating. It makes me nervous is someone doesn't finish their food and I do mine, etc. It's odd.

17. Get enough sleep.
I try. I like sleeping and 90% of the time I get great sleep. It's because I fall asleep next to my nut.

18. Stop body checks. I don't know any easy way to do this, aside from just stopping.
I talked to my lady about this on Tuesday. Actively making a point of not checking my body, is really hard. Stress, anxiety, nervousness causes that. So still working.

19. Don't get on the scale. There's no weight that will make you feel good for any length of time.
Fuck scales.

20. Stop counting.
Not a big counter.

21. Make a list of fear foods and start adding them back in, one at a time.
I have done this so far with pizza, pretty good at eating pizza (I have bad moments). I adore nachos like nobody's business. I would kill someone for a real hamburger. So yeah, still working. Oh, and pasta. Fuck.

22. Read Carrie Arnold's blog. In general, join the blog community.
Her's is the first one I check each day to read about any new research about disorders. She has led me to all the amazing blogs and girls I read about that remind me I am not alone in this battle.

23. Keep a journal. Even if you don't consider yourself a "writer," getting out feelings on paper (or computer screen) can be therapeutic.
I'm a journal nut! I am on my second one just from July, I love it. I also love my blogs. My recovery and my normal blog. Christ, I even made one for Oliver....

24. Try not to give a shit about clothing sizes because they don't make sense.
This is true. THEY MAKE NO SENSE. Especially women's clothing. This is one reason I miss Express, they are WOMEN'S sizes, not ABERCROMBIE sizes. This is why I am too afraid to find jeans. I'll stick with what I have for now...BUT...today I did find a rad beautiful cream sweater at AF for $14! Score!

25. Create a playlist of songs that make you feel good.
Well, basically I enjoy Lady Gaga and any music that makes me feel like dancing. I don't think about my body during that.

26. Spend some money. For some reason, food restriction --> money restriction. Buy something you want.
What I need to do is spend money on something WORTH it. Something for me (not useless household items). I am saving for my hair touch up.
27. Do nice things for yourself -- a manicure/pedicure, a massage, a long bath, a hair cut, a book binge, whatever you're into.
See previous.

28. Keep a list (mental or actual) of things you're looking forward to in life, whether it's a movie release date for this summer, or a vacation you daydream about, or children you want at some point.
I'm good at this. So is Travis. Talking about our Cruise is rad! I also want to really plan a trip to Tuscon. I look forward to all types of things.

29. Accept yourself as you are. When you do that, all those things you wanted to change will probably change on their own.
I love me. I want to love my body.

30. Cry.
I'm good at that.

31. Know you're not alone.
I know I'm not and that is really helpful.

32. Don't be ashamed. You have an illness.
This is still hard. I feel like a burden, a drain, a wet blanket. Why can't I just 'get over it'. Hrm.

33. Open up to people in your life you can trust -- even if it's just one particular friend or family member.
This has been my saving grace. Opening up and letting people help.

34. Forgive yourself.
Trying.

35. Take a trip (big or small) just to see how it feels to be out of your element for a while.
I like trips with Travis. Portland, Seattle, Auburn. Wherever we go I feel safe with him. He's my home.

36. Do whatever it is you need to do during stressful times (i.e. holidays with the family) to stay healthy, whether it's bringing your own food, or making a deal with yourself to eat what they eat, or just not going at all.
It's been helpful that my parent's didn't judge my eating or make me eat dinner during the holidays. I did it at my own pace. It was not stressful.

37. Make a list of your food rules.
Good idea! I never thought of actually writing them down. Okay! (These are my honest ED thought food rules, unfiltered).
-No bread
-No Pasta
-No Pizza
-Only chicken or fish for meat
-No fries or fried food in general
-No cereals over 130 calories per serving
-No Luna bars over 180 calories
-Only the 45 calorie rice cakes. No caramel corn rice cakes.
-No breakfast (besides banana)
-No lunch (besides the banana/coffee)
-No coffee over 120 calories
-No cookies, pastries, muffins, pies, cakes.
-No juice
WOW. GOOD.

38. Break rules, one at a time.
This part is fun! Things I have done...(even if they left me feeling guilty)
-Ate pizza. A lot of pizza.
-Ate breadsticks! Cheesy ones too!
-Ate lunch one time!
-Ate plenty of cookies
-Ate plenty of fries

39. Keep in mind certain mantras: "Your body is a temple" or "You only live once" or "It's just food" -- things like that.
Good mantras. 'It's my body and my life and I deserve to eat' I like that one ;)

40. If you have a significant other, do your best to educate him/her, but also know another person can't "fix" you. It's your battle to fight and win.
My significant other is a fucking god.

41. Have several favorite DVDs on hand to watch at a moment's notice.
Good call! We always have at least one good movie to watch.

42. Love an animal. They'll love you back, no questions asked.
Oliver!

43. Do absolutely nothing for an entire day (aka tell the productive perfectionist in you to shove it).
I have almost made it an entire day, but I just HAD to go to Haggen and Costco. But not bad!

44. Think about some comfort foods from childhood and let them comfort you again. For me, it's cookies dunked in milk so long they're soggy, and mac-and-cheese.
Mac and Cheese! Travis' was the best ever. I like the idea of comfort food.

45. Fill in the blank: "If I didn't have an eating disorder, I would _______." Then, ask yourself why you can't fill in the blank NOW.
Hrm, I'm not sure what would be there? Competing at jumping?

46. Write a letter to your body, acknowledging damage you've done and how you plan to treat yourself well.
I've done this.

47. If you find yourself in front of a mirror for longer than 45 seconds, step away.
Ha, this is where my crazy (good) talk starts. Usually goes something like this..'Get the fuck out of the mirror for christ's sake!' Then I scamper away!

48. If you find yourself surrounded by women discussing diets, step away.
Agreed.

49. Keep a sense of humor about it all.
It helps to be able to laugh about it, then roll around and touch tummies.

50. Go for walks when you feel delirious or anxious or upset or whatever. While doing so, listen to Paul Simon and come up with weird blog ideas
Indeed.

Comparing

Interesting that my lady and I were talking about comparing at my appointment on Tuesday. The majority of my life has been comparing. Why does it seem like I don't have enough faith in MYSELF for knowing what is right for me, instead of comparing to others to see what's 'normal?' There is no normal. There is normal for me, and that has to be what feels right (and yes is healthy).

Tonight Kim wrote about comparing food and people. She used to obsessively stalk food blogs (I did this too, I still do but not nearly to the extent I used to). I used to get to work and open 7 windows, all of baking blogs that I looked at, it was...basically porn for me. Kim said the same thing, funny. I would compare and judge when people wrote "I ate 1/3 cup oatmeal with 1/4 cup seeds...." Thinking really? 1/3 cup? Does that even fill up the bowl? Fuck, I've never measured (okay I did measure my Kashi Go Lean and would eat it out of a small tupperware) but I never measured anything else.

Now, I grab my 'big' bowl and fill it to the top with cereal and yummy vanilla coconut milk. And 90% of the time, I go back for more! So fuck you people who only eat 1/3 cup cereal and then claim they are 'full.' Bullshit.

Not sure where this is going, bc there are some really annoying guests standing in front of me and I keep evesdropping and losing my train of thought. BUT. I'll continue in some odd way.

Hrm, now moving on to 'Blogxygen' Today she wrote this."Part of me is terrified of my new body, of its curves and its extra extra somethin somethin, but also a part of me is thinking YES YES wow I’m doing it. I’m finally showing the world and myself that I am willing to let go of my eating disorder; that I am willing to see if there is more to me than a low BMI and an even lower number on the scale. It’s both exhilarating and terrifying. It’s beautiful."


OH! One more thing! What the fuck are OVERNIGHT OATS!?!?! SERIOUSLY!?


I truly feel like I am also at this point. It's so so scary but I have moments that I'm excited to see what is out there and available to me now. Then I get scared again, it rotates.

"I’m a work in progress. And I hope the finished product is something I can be proud of. And now, for the first time in almost ten years, I’m at least willing to find out. To try."-Brie

Wow, I mean really. I almost just want to scream down the halls right now and just say I'm doing this. I'm doing this for real. I have to do this. There is no going back to the way things were. I am so much happier now (even amidst my moments of complete hatred towards my body). I laugh more. I laugh with Travis more. We snuggle more, we even touch tummies even though I hate it sometimes ( I secretly love it). It's going to be okay.



So, small update on the 'experiment' gone array. We were possibly going to venture out last night, Tuesday, to Boundary Bay to do the experiment. But my babe was too high and fucked up from his wisdom tooth. So right away I had many thoughts all which included...."YES, no pressure to eat real food" "Sad, I really wanted to try something besides a harvest salad" to "Shit, what am I going to eat now?" "I should just eat popcorn and that's it" "I could go get hot food, maybe thai?" "No way, stick with safe food that's it."

FUck, so crazy me went to Haggen. Here's my trip in a nutshell...
-I wanted a wrap, Mexican Chicken preferably. Enter crazy thought (eat that and you'll feel like shit tomorrow).
-Moved onto the sushi section, hmm wanted some sushi, but they actually only had the gross salmon stuff made.
-Moved onto the deli.....I really really wanted some of the baked mac and cheese and some pasta salad and the thai salad. Crazy thoughts...(Don't eat that you'll feel awful fat ass). So I was able to get a little thing of waldorf salad (not bad).
-Move onto the bulk section. I really wanted to get 'movie snacks' but was only able to get 2 kisses and 15 jelly bellies.
-Then I went to get a bag of my favorite smoked gouda popcorn.
-So first I had my waldorf salad and 2 wheat thins. Then when Lost started I pulled out the popcorn, I got halfway through and decided I was sorta burnt out. So....bad habit...I threw the rest of the popcorn away and opted for a bowl of cereal ( I was craving vanilla milk) So I had a bowl of cereal with a banana and then ate my kisses. I was pretty satisfied. And I even had another tiny bowl of cereal around 1:15.....
Crazy sporatic eating right? Story of my life. But I think I did pretty okay compared to 6 months ago when I had to find dinner and eat alone.

My Lady Said Thank You

When I went to see my lady today she thanked me for doing my part by gaining weight. I'm the only one of her patients who do it. She always tells me I'm odd because I really do love food. We had a good meeting.

I had a small thought at work this last week, instead of constantly hating my new figure and wishing the old one was back, I am trying to get used to it and like it and play with it. Maybe get clothes that show my new curves off, put lotion on (bc I deserve that and my skin deserves to be soft). Just little things to be kind to my body.

Travis is asleep but we are going to Boundary in about an hour and doing the 'experiment'. I can honestly say I'm so nervous. I have already obsessively gone of the menu. I'm really trying to let go and enjoy this.

Lost is on tonight at 9!!! Eeee! I can't wait.