First, this is what I have always thought, IF I EVER did get a tattoo, it would be this. I have had this image saved for almost 2 years now, it would be white, so nobody could see it, but be a lifetime reminder of where I was, that I beat it and am stronger. I don't deserve this yet. But I know I will one day.
I am almost done with this book. They weren't kidding, it's really good. For one, I haven't finished A book in god knows how long and I can hardly put this down.
There have been a few things that have stuck out to me, in the sense that they are literally what I think. Here's one for example.
At a restaurant.
"I stare at the large menu and ask myself, "What should I order?" Ed mistakenly thinks I am directing this question to him and replies, "If you are absolutely determined to eat, you must at least get one of the low calorie entrees marked with the little red heart. No matter what, you must choose a lower calorie entree than your friend orders, which will prove that you are more in control of your life than she is."
"After my friend orders the always forbidden cheeseburger and french fries, Ed points out, "All of that fat is going to end up right on her hips."
"Can I order the low fat chicken entree that comes with a baked potato?" I ask.
Ed says, "Fine, but on the baked potato, you will have no butter, sour cream, cheese, or bacon. When the server and friend look at you like you're nuts just tell them you like it better plain."
Waiting for the food to arrive is always the hardest to me. I am starving, because Ed never lets me eat any other meal on days that I go out to eat. All I can think about is the food. I cannot pay attention in the conversation with my friend, so I just nod and say uh huh a lot.
Ed loves to make comments about how much fat my friend is consuming compared to me, "She's eating french fries with ketchup. Does she know how many calories are in the ketchup? What's the point of pouring extra calories onto anything?"
In addition to making remarks about my friends meal. Ed tells me exactly what to eat and how to eat it. He says, "Eat half the chicken, but make sure you scrape off all of that fattening sauce. Cut the baked potato in half. Hide one half under your napkin and eat a few bites of the other half."
After the server clears the table, Ed congratulates me, You did it! You are finished eating and you are still hungry! Just think how big you would be if you had eaten that greasy hamburger! Be proud of yourself. You have such control! Your poor friend does not have a chance in life."
Sound crazy? I know right.
Another part that stuck out, is a story of her in her 4th grade class the nurse made them get on the scale, she weighed them, and yelled out their weight. Jenni gets on the scale and is 76 pounds. She's in 4th grade. I was 78 pounds on Tuesday and I am 23. This was a small reality check.
This is from her therapist's part. He said to make a list of healthy aspects of your food relationship and write them down. Some of mine
-I include a wide variety of fruits and vegetables in my diet.
-I enjoy sharing meals with my friends.
-I sometimes allow myself to eat dessert.
Then he says to make a list of the problems.
-I generally don't allow fat into my diet.
-I enjoy cooking for others, but I never eat anything I prepare.
-I get defensive if someone asks me to go to eat a place that does not have a salad.
Then he says to try to eat through your healthy vision. Even if you can do it for just one meal.
This is common for me:
"Ed immediately said, “Jenni, that woman is thinner than you. You are so large. You have really let yourself go.” From the ground floor to level three, I felt as if I had gained twenty or thirty pounds. Have you ever gained weight while riding an elevator? If you have, then you must be familiar with one of Ed’s favorite rules: “You must always be the thinnest person in any given place at any given time.”
Another session with Thom, this stuck out. This is so real for me.
"During one session with Jenni, my office was covered with jeans. There were jeans on the floor, couch, chairs. These were Jenni's anorexic jeans. Jeans that she had worn when she was still married to Ed. These jeans representing sickness and depression, no longer fit her body. When they were in her closet, they talked to her day and night. They said, "You're fat, if you just lose a little bit of weight, you could wear me again, you are a loser because you are too big to fit into me. "
It's important to put these clothes aside, whether you can get rid of them or not yet, put them in a box or something. Sadly, I can't afford to do that yet, for 2 reasons, money, and my voice. My voice that says to hold on to dear life for them. I am fighting that everyday, that's not me.
So I will keep reading, keep learning, keep making progress, keep making steps back.
If there's one thing I have learned from this book so far it's that, once recovery starts it doesn't mean it's an automatic uphill success the whole way. There is room for mistakes and they will happen. I will have my share of victories and my share of failures from my 'Ned' screaming at the top of his lungs to just stop and go back. Going back would be so comfortable and safe.
I want me back. I want my life back. I want to be able to walk standing straight again. Ned has taken my posture for christ's sake. He makes me at all times focus on if I look fat, because if I do, I have failed. I have failed and everyone will see right through me. So my confidence has been shattered, slowly this whole time. I can get it back sometimes, and when I have it back I have me back. I say fuck you, this is my life, these are my clothes, I AM allowed to wear whatever I want. I AM allowed to eat whatever I want. I AM allowed to take a spontaneous trip with friends. I can't count how many trips, parties, times to just see friends I have missed because he told me, you did bad today, you are fat today, you can't go, you are a failure, you need to lay in bed tonight and we will see what the morning brings. It's punishment.
What happened?
I can't count the number of times I have been somewhere. At my parent's house, with Travis alone, with a group of people, at a restaurant, at a park by myself and been screaming on the inside for somebody to help me. But Ned never let me show that. I had to be strong for him. I still do, but at least people know I need help. I need hands to hold. I need shoulders to be there when I feel like screaming and crying my eyes out until I pass out. When I think about myself and love it's such a contradiction. I love who I am. I love me. But Ned loathes my body so much that it has overcome everything I was still holding onto. I don't see me in the mirror. I don't see who I used to see. It's like he's stabbing me in the side every time I walk by a mirror. Ugly, fat, weak, pathetic, a failure, nobody will love you, you can't hold a job, you can't make money, you aren't self sufficient, so stay with me and we can fight the world together, because then at least you will look like a concentration camp person, that's all you will ever have.
Gah. Anyway. I was 80 pounds on Friday at the doctor. I really was initially very happy, mainly because I hope I won't get people yelling at me. Which I don't think is positive for recovery. Being terrified and dreading each of those trips. That's for another day. Then the guilt, shame set in. The, "You're 80 now, no more 70's, that kept you unique, that made you special, now you are on your road to becoming just another ugly, frumpy, forgetable person." My Ned should fuck Ed in the ass and they can starve each other :)
I'm sure if I ate everyday like I did on Tuesday I would be back up in no time at all. But I don't want to, nor should I, shock my body and my mind into something I can't handle yet. Because my mind can't quite yet. But alas, that's recovery.
Off to read again now. I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this too. That feels like people are hugging me, god I'm so gay :)
Oh, this is funny. Congrats Ned, here you go.
Ned's Resume:
Ned
Full Name: Eating Disorder Asshole
Permanent address: Always on the go with you.
Phone: Prefer email Email: Prefer phone
Objective:
Willing to do whatever it takes to control the life of beautiful, intelligent, and creative people, mainly Erin.
Education:
Bachelor of Arts: Psychology of beautiful, intelligent, and creative people
Special Skills:
Also, this is scary. But identical to what I see.
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