Day By Day

It always amazes me how drastically each day can be from the next.
Yesterday I felt absolutely awful.
Today was almost 100% better.
Right now? At 10:51pm I feel about 70% of how I felt this morning.
Why?
 -I ate quesadillas, beans, chips, salsa, popcorn.


I'm trying to hold on and WILL be okay tomorrow. I will. Breathe.

I Am Me.

Breathing

Two posts in one day! Wow right? I am in a better place than I was this morning. This morning I was so down and in 'mourning' for feeling huge.

Work has kept me busy and occupied. I'll notice in conversations with people I'll be 'out of my body' then for whatever reason I'll sink back into it and notice I am holding my stomach or rubbing it. A kind of reassurance.

It's 8:15pm now and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That meaning home.

I can't wait to be home safe with Travis and Oliver.

Hard

Yesterday was hard. I felt so awful in my body. I felt foreign and it brought me down all day and all night. There were brief moments of clarity but not many.

Today I feel like I have a cold, I didn't go running because of that and of course it stacks on top of me loathing my body.

I'm hunched over right now with a pillow in my lap while Oliver is sitting on my bag. I'm dreading putting on work clothes. Thinking maybe wearing my pants instead of skirt.

:( I'm weepy which doesn't help either.

Not Oatmeal

That's what I've been thinking about today. The fact that for our weekly breakfast out I had 'not oatmeal.' I still check the menu if we go to a new restaurant before hand. And for some reason I thought I had seen this menu, but I remember now it was Skylark's I had looked at.

Skylark's had oatmeal. The Bistro on Magnolia, does not.

I frantically looked down the whole menu to find something 'safe.' I saw porridge, but right away the waitress came over to inform us that they were out of the porridge. (fuck).

The next 'safe' thing I found were the scrambles. The biscuits and gravy were out of the question, so I browsed the scrambles to find the one that didn't have meat. The mushroom and leek scramble was my best bet. It had goat cheese, which is better for me than say chedder or american.

Anywho, in a silent fit of anxiety I waited for my food. Thank god they were reasonably small portions, not like IHop or Denny's shit. It did come with a portion of hash browns and a piece of toast. I ate all of my food. I know that eggs are good for you and for a lot of people's blogs I read on eating disorders a lot of them would eat egg whites etc, so I was able to compromise in my crazy head.

I finished breakfast and tried to relax the rest of the day, which I could until I had to put on the dreaded work clothes. This is what I measure myself on most days. How the clothes fit. I feel like they hardly do or that it's completely different than the day before.

Work's been hard tonight, a lot of anxiety, tummy rubbing, loathing. I'm also trying to balance it with keeping busy, blogging, cleaning up files on my computer, doing all the tasks at work etc.

So, tomorrow is another day. It's going to be okay. I did notice that I was full literally all night from that breakfast. I didn't eat my Luna bar until 8:30 and that was just because I was bored.

Hopefully tomorrow's better!

Micro Managing

The less time I spend controlling my weight and body the more time I see myself trying to control everything around me.

Not exactly everything but work is a good example. Basically I don't trust anyone to get things done. When I do, something goes wrong and it's 'my fault' because I should have 'checked.'

Now this used to be a huge problem for me but now that I get paid more and have a new title, I don't get nearly as frustrated.

But I see my patience for people getting thinner and thinner. Sometimes I have to gather myself so I gain back some compassion.

This is unfortunate because I do not want to be a controlling person who has no compassion or time or patiences for others...maybe it's a sign to stay away from customer service....I think it may be.

Hrm.

That's all on that subject for now.

I'm working 11-7 tomorrow which is nice because it goes a lot faster than 3-11. Also, it's my Friday. Thank Fuck.

It's been a better body week than last. I haven't felt too horrid.

Breathe!

Thinking Back

Triggers-Anxiety-Obsessing etc

Including: Stress from worrying about other's lack of trying...i.e. I like when people take it upon themselves to be responsible because I feel like I am the one that cleans up the mess. I do everything and to hear huffs and puffs about people 'having' to do one thing makes me so angry. It makes me immediately redirect it to my body/eating/etc.

It's really frustrating.

I had a great weekend but a scary food weekend. Anxiety raising issues include: I ate a burrito, 1 1/2 actually, chips & salsa, I ate a form of Chinese food (even though I looked for the healthiest thing on the menu), a seasonal salad at Hearthfire (why this bothers me for some reason? I don't know), at breakfast I had my oatmeal then maybe a quarter of an english biscuit muffin thing, of course then going home I could only lay on my stomach for 2 hours to force myself to ignore the 'full feeling' i.e. 'Evil feeling'

Hrm. The old nutritionist came in AGAIN today to the hotel. That's twice in one week and I hate the way she looks at me.

I got pictures from dancing one night and there are a few where (to me) I look absolutely enormous and disgusting. I was so disappointed in myself seeing those. I refuse to look at them anymore.

That then causes thoughts of 'See if I could maybe eat a little less today'

Then, the reasonable side of me kicks in and gives myself a mental slap in the face.

It's still a battle every single day. Granted, it is a million times better than it was. But just because I am at my 'supposed ideal weight' (Whatever that means) doesn't mean I'm 'all better.'

Also, summer is creeping up which means less clothing of sorts. Which is mixed for me. Sometimes when I'm feeling 'crazy' I will be in all sweats, other times just shorts and a tank top. It varies and nothing is really 'safe' for me because if I'm feeling off i always find something to critique.

Besides the craziness I am still so thankful for my situation.

I am thankful for:

-Travis who every single day can read me and is so sympathetic to my thoughts and disorder

-My parents who compliment me on my smile not my body

-My truly amazing girlfriends who have seen me through so much and know what to say and what not to.

-Oliver who doesn't look at me differently if I have eaten a piece of bread or some 'scary food'

So here's to breathing and not forgetting to.

Recapping...

Things the last few days (4-5) have gone pretty well. I've been on this 10 day work week and part of that (first part) was pretty chaotic in my head with my body. Any type of stress, anxiety etc would be automatically redirected to my body, what I ate, regret etc. The last couple days have gone well. Maybe because I've worn my pants at work? It helps when I'm having an 'issues' day. I got a new work skirt, the bandage one like my black one that is comfortable, so I won't be changing into my black one nightly.

It's still one of my constant triggers, work. If I get stressed etc I spend more time obsessing than dealing with the problem. Granted I have gotten loads better but it's still persistent.

I lucked out with a person at work relating to my situation more than anyone I have ever met. This has been really nice. I've read blogs of people in recovery but I've never met or known someone who has struggled and still is struggling with my same deal. It's nice not having to explain a behavior or try to pretend that all is 100% wonderful.

Travis has been great. He can tell when I'm in my head and he will 'check' my tummy to make sure it's okay. It's really cute and always makes me smile. I am so thankful and lucky.

How did I find someone who tries so hard to understand the disease and work well with it? Someone that I love more than anything?