I have been a pretty big wreck this week. A lot of guilt and regret after eating. A lot of massive distorted thinking about my body. I feel like I look dramatically different and feel different. It's been driving me nuts and making me have sad spells.
Triggers?
-Work clothes. I loathe what I have. I am always keeping an eye out for new ones but I can never find any. My hardest time is at work a lot lately. It sucks.
AHhh
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Waves
That's the best way I can describe how I've been feeling lately. I will have waves of distorted thoughts which spurs the anxiety then can spiral out from there. Then I'll have days or a week of feeling just fine. Even, dare I say it, good about my body?
I could wear the exact same outfit during each of these opposite waves and feel completely different. I can distort my body so much it's like looking in a funny mirror which sparks this thought 'Oh my god, I did get fat and frumpy' then goes from there.
OR
I will look at my body and think 'I'm still slender but way better because I have curves (little cute ones) ' and then walk around all proud.
Just funny to think back on all of these. Recognizing it and writing it down has always helped me process and see from an NON distorted view.
Besides these waves (which really aren't so bad) (especially being compared to being 70 pounds) January's been going rather well :) Me and Travis have been slowly redecorating with some new pieces of furniture and making our home even more homey :)
Oliver's getting more personality by the day and makes me so happy. Especially to watch Oliver and Travis together, my heart melts.
I could wear the exact same outfit during each of these opposite waves and feel completely different. I can distort my body so much it's like looking in a funny mirror which sparks this thought 'Oh my god, I did get fat and frumpy' then goes from there.
OR
I will look at my body and think 'I'm still slender but way better because I have curves (little cute ones) ' and then walk around all proud.
Just funny to think back on all of these. Recognizing it and writing it down has always helped me process and see from an NON distorted view.
Besides these waves (which really aren't so bad) (especially being compared to being 70 pounds) January's been going rather well :) Me and Travis have been slowly redecorating with some new pieces of furniture and making our home even more homey :)
Oliver's getting more personality by the day and makes me so happy. Especially to watch Oliver and Travis together, my heart melts.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Anxiety
So I've had an anxiety filled two days. I want to try to retrace my steps. On my first day off I went to Giuseppes and split the bruchetta along with a lot of bread. It was great and at the time I was doing really well. I even went home and had apple crisp and felt okay.
The next day I went to the Table with my mom before the Wizard of Oz play at the theater. We had the meats and cheese plate and while I was eating I was fine then ordered the butternut squash ravioli, which was great and I didn't eat much of it because I was still a little nervous. I was fine the rest of the night but around 9:30ish I started feeling my stomach and could feel the anxiety creep up.
At home we went to go get food and went to New York Pizza, the smell, atmosphere, people, memories of that place reminded me too much of when I was really really sick. The menu reminds me of the indecision and guilt from the thoughts of ordering something 'I shouldn't' I wanted to get the chicken wrap but opted out for the small salad. Which was really small. When it came I felt defeated. I felt that I had participated in my disorder. I had done everything it wanted and was so sad so quickly.
At home I had some yogurt and granola since the salad was so small, I went through waves of anxiety and hatred towards my body. It was a long night.
The next morning was a mess. I was so emotional, I kept thinking of what I had eaten the last few days and felt so much guilt it was unbearable. I felt like I couldn't breathe as I was trying to put my makeup on. Which led to me having trouble with doing my hair since I was so fragile at the moment, I just wanted to burst out crying. The anxiety from my job crept in too and I was so upset about putting on my work clothes because they felt so tight and I kept thinking' if I hadn't had that bread then it would be better'
I participated in my eating disorder. I let those thoughts control me. I let them make me feel awful. Those thoughts then led me to loathing myself for what I did to Travis. How could I do something so disgusting to the one person who loves me for me. I just felt like I couldn't take anymore of it.
I'm at work now and have been so weepy all night. I have been feeling my stomach obsessively and looking at myself with loathing.
I am trying so hard to bring myself out of it and writing helps. Understanding that doing this does not help me and I am delusional.
I love me. I love my body. I am me. I am not my disorder.
The next day I went to the Table with my mom before the Wizard of Oz play at the theater. We had the meats and cheese plate and while I was eating I was fine then ordered the butternut squash ravioli, which was great and I didn't eat much of it because I was still a little nervous. I was fine the rest of the night but around 9:30ish I started feeling my stomach and could feel the anxiety creep up.
At home we went to go get food and went to New York Pizza, the smell, atmosphere, people, memories of that place reminded me too much of when I was really really sick. The menu reminds me of the indecision and guilt from the thoughts of ordering something 'I shouldn't' I wanted to get the chicken wrap but opted out for the small salad. Which was really small. When it came I felt defeated. I felt that I had participated in my disorder. I had done everything it wanted and was so sad so quickly.
At home I had some yogurt and granola since the salad was so small, I went through waves of anxiety and hatred towards my body. It was a long night.
The next morning was a mess. I was so emotional, I kept thinking of what I had eaten the last few days and felt so much guilt it was unbearable. I felt like I couldn't breathe as I was trying to put my makeup on. Which led to me having trouble with doing my hair since I was so fragile at the moment, I just wanted to burst out crying. The anxiety from my job crept in too and I was so upset about putting on my work clothes because they felt so tight and I kept thinking' if I hadn't had that bread then it would be better'
I participated in my eating disorder. I let those thoughts control me. I let them make me feel awful. Those thoughts then led me to loathing myself for what I did to Travis. How could I do something so disgusting to the one person who loves me for me. I just felt like I couldn't take anymore of it.
I'm at work now and have been so weepy all night. I have been feeling my stomach obsessively and looking at myself with loathing.
I am trying so hard to bring myself out of it and writing helps. Understanding that doing this does not help me and I am delusional.
I love me. I love my body. I am me. I am not my disorder.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Breathing
It almost seems like clockwork these days. I'll feel really good about myself for a week or two then have a few days to a week of just feeling so down on myself. It's been one of those. Those days are filled with regret over food, regret over that soup I had, or piece of bread I had. My clothes feeling different at work and I have to admit I am nervous to put my jeans on. It's been a little while since I've worn them but I'm waiting for a good feeling day to try them on.
I know that most of this isn't about the food. I know that it's been 9 days in a row working and I'm tired of being here. Which lets my mind wander and touch my stomach more and more. I know it's the start of a new year and season so I'm a little thrown by that. I want to get back into a normal work routine, and that's coming soon.
I know that my job has been making me feel really discouraged. I've never felt so under appreciated. I love my people I work with. I love working right next door to Travis. I love having the freedom of basically doing what I want at work. I do love working in a hotel. I know I shouldn't let the bad things get to me so much but it just has been wearing on me a lot. I'm ready for some days off.
I know that most of this isn't about the food. I know that it's been 9 days in a row working and I'm tired of being here. Which lets my mind wander and touch my stomach more and more. I know it's the start of a new year and season so I'm a little thrown by that. I want to get back into a normal work routine, and that's coming soon.
I know that my job has been making me feel really discouraged. I've never felt so under appreciated. I love my people I work with. I love working right next door to Travis. I love having the freedom of basically doing what I want at work. I do love working in a hotel. I know I shouldn't let the bad things get to me so much but it just has been wearing on me a lot. I'm ready for some days off.
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