A Life Lost

Carrie from 'Ed Bites' put to words perfectly what I had been thinking about the death of Isabelle Caro.

It's sad and scary to see what happens when people say they 'feel fine' and are 'working on it' when all the while their insides are shutting down one by one.

Nobody can see your liver fail, or your immune system deplete. It strikes without warning. One morning they just don't wake up. The slow resting heart rate finally takes it's last step through the door and stops. It breaks my heart because this girl was 4 years older than me. When I did see interviews with her it made me sad to see the hurt in her eyes. The physical and emotional hurt. It made me think each time I saw an ad or interview with her 'Why the hell is she not hooked up to a feeding tube in a hospital??' Why is she out promoting awareness when she should be in bed?? It's sad and familiar and could have been prevented. Which is the worst part. This could have been fixed. She could have recovered and had a fulfilling life. Unfortunately she did not have the support, honest support, she needed to get real help.

Below is what Carrie wrote about her death, it inspired me to write this.


"Model and actress Isabelle Caro, most famous for posing her emaciated body in a 2008 anti-anorexia billboard, died at age 28.

Her goal, says the Los Angeles Times obituary, was to show others the dangers and horrors of anorexia in order to prevent the illness. A noble and honorable goal, to be sure--but Caro knew and lived these dangers and horrors of anorexia, day in and day out. Still she could not shake her illness and instead died at age 28.

The billboard that flung Caro into the limelight was produced by fashion company Nolita, in an effort to raise awareness about anorexia in the fashion industry. Aside from the fact that I'm not convinced of the relationship between anorexia and fashion, Nolita was happy to use Caro's wasted body in their ads. They were happy to use the shock value and run with it. Yes, the company likely meant well by it, but what was that phrase about the road to hell being paved with good intentions?

After the April 2008 billboard, Caro went on to be a guest judge on "Top Model France," to write a book and song lyrics, to appear in television and film. All while deathly ill with anorexia.

When I heard of Caro's untimely death, all I could think was: these people were using this poor girl. They knew she was sick. It was obvious just by looking at her. They knew she was dying from a lethal illness and yet the chose to look the other way. Maybe they figured that as long as Caro thought she was fine, then she had to be fine. She was "trying" to get better, but your heart, your liver, your immune system don't much give a damn about trying.

It was like what I used to tell people: I'm working on it. Which is all well and good, but Caro's and my lack of progress should have made it damn clear to anyone not blind that no progress was actually being made.

Yeah, I'm angry. Media outlets and corporations were all too happy to let Caro continue on her merry way and not actually address her illness. I'm guessing some of them told her she should gain weight and eat some more. Gee, you don't say. Caro had probably never heard that advice before, right? If they cared, they should have refused to cast her until she was healthy. It's hard enough to give up an eating disorder even when it's robbing you of everything in your life. But when you can have the life you want and the eating disorder?

The immediate cause of her death wasn't disclosed. But the media industry--the very ones Caro turned to in her efforts to warn others of the dangers of anorexia--did quite a bit to contribute to her death. She very well might have died if she didn't become famous. Yet the people who knew and worked with her had an opportunity to close down any path but wellness and recovery. And they didn't.

That's what makes me the most angry and the most sad. That so many people are willing to ignore such a blatant disorder and look the other way."

A Week Before Christmas

At this moment I feel great. The best part is probably 90% of my moments I feel like this.

I didn't believe for a second I could weigh this much (I have no idea actually), feel this great, think I look good, and be this happy. But hey all those 'doctors' were right.

I was just looking at one of the blogs I used to religiously read this time last year, Blogxygen. She was the one that had the feeding tube on and off and lost her second child because she was so sick. I read her blog so much because she was so honest and raw with all the feelings during recovery. The hate, the kicking and screaming, the moments of feeling good then the huge drops of thinking she couldn't do it and didn't want to and wanted to retreat into a cave.

Been there done that. Thinking I could fool my doctors and nutritionists. Well she stopped blogging for a long time, which I sort of did. Then she had this recap of her weighing so much more, healthy, working again and happy. It was really cool to see that she is so far in her recovery. I got a little giddy inside.

I never really thought there could be this much recovery from that sickness. I just could not for the life of me picture myself weighing more than 90 pounds. I put so much stress on that. So much of me was consumed of the routine and the rules.

Today me and Travis went grocery shopping and before, shopping was a long painful task of reading the calories of only cereal and if I was feeling adventurous yogurt. Well today yeah I got the nonfat yogurt, but it has about 100 more calories than the one I would normally get. Also, Travis had to reassure me that I could get anything. It's a very freeing concept and idea. Do I feel like crackers or chips? It's no big deal if I do or don't. Freedom.

Anyway. Basically I'm feeling pretty good and pretty proud. Yes I have my hard times, a recent hard week but I know that this eventually does go away. The anxiety goes away. The shame and guilt lessens and I am soon back to myself.

A Week

I've had a tough week. I have spent too much time thinking back on things I have eaten. This was a very common habit when I was really sick. I had a notebook of what I ate pretty much each day. I have eaten some really great things but they have also been not 'so normal' in terms of 'safe food'.
i.e. Risotto, Pita

I have also noticed 2 women who to me seemed sick. This hasn't happened much, for whatever reason I haven't seen many or noticed, but I have the last couple days. I'm indifferent on how it makes me feel. I feel sad, jealous, empathetic, angry.

I have also let thoughts be a little louder after eating. Regards to feeling 'disgusting, disappointed in myself, out of control, weak, frumpy.'

I've had a hard time feeling really different day to day. A little crazy.

Travis is so helpful and can calm me to a point. I'm trying really hard to not let my thoughts get out of control. It's hard, it's hard this time of year.

Sampling

So today I was walking out of Barkley Haggen with my Starbucks in hand. The barista was surprised to see me because it had been so long since I had been in. I didn't really want to tell her the real reason (I'm not starving myself so I don't come for the samples anymore.)

Walking out I smiled to myself thinking of all the crazy habits I did almost every single day.

I would almost always at least leave an hour early before work to go 'eat.' I was way too afraid to eat at home and it was a battle to try not to grab a bite of something. I would also almost always save my banana to eat while I was driving to work. Hence why I always had an old banana peel in my car.

Some favorites of mine include:
-Hitting all the Haggens in town. First I would start at the Barkley one because they always had cheese samples, then I would go into the bulk to get some nuts, then the bakery where they had bread/pastry samples, then I would leave.
-Next was the old Haggen on the guide, they usually had good bread samples and sometimes cheese.
-The Sehome Haggen was hit or miss, I usually ate the most out of the bulk aisle here and they had bread here and there.
-I would also frequent the Market in Fairhaven when I worked at Paper Dreams. They always had a few chips and dip samples and breads.
-Sometimes I would hit the Greenhouse on the way to work because they would have samples, only on the weekends, usually a pumpkin bread or licorice.
-I would usually get coffee at Woods exclusively for the samples of their twists.
-On days off I sometimes would drive into Ferndale and stop at the Haggen there, it gave me something to do to distract me.

Funny thing is I thought I was distracting myself from the food but really it was literally all I was thinking about. I lost a lot of time I could have spent elsewhere doing these things.

I'm glad I can look back now and laugh and realize how troubling it was. I am very happy I don't have to do that anymore. I enjoy being at home with Travis before work. I enjoy not being hungry all the time and thinking about when my next 'safe food' will be.

I'm happy. I'm feeling healthy. My bad days are a lot less. Travis supports me on those days and I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Glance Back

Well I remember how I was feeling a year ago very well.

I remember thinking I was just fine at the weight I was at.

I remember at work my routine would be get a coffee before work and be so hungry that I would
count down the minutes until 6 when I ate my Luna bar.

I remember eating my Luna bar so slow and savoring every bite of it.

I remember being sad after I finished because I wouldn't allow myself to eat until 8:30

I remember at 8:30 all I allowed myself to eat was my Tupperware of baby carrots with some sort of condiment, usually a mustard (less calories).

I remember still being hungry after that.

I remember seeing coworkers eat pretzels and wanting them so bad.

I remember at 10 I would eat 2 sometimes only 1 rice cake, the lightly salted only.

I remember being exhausted getting off work and wanting to go home so bad and just be.

I remember Erica saying to me 'You're so thin that it looks like it hurts.'

I remember thinking to myself it does hurt but not letting myself really realize that because that would have been 'weakness'

I remember thinking there would be no way I would be happier or like myself if I had gained anymore weight than what I was at.

Well, here it is a year later, a LOT more weight on....
Happier
Healthier
Prettier
More energetic
NOT starving
Intuitively eating
Loving more


:)

Who would have guessed?

Sure as hell not me