Insecurities

I was reading Kim's blog and she wrote about her biggest insecurity, which happens to be mine as well, here's what she wrote, I think it's a great way of explaining how one thing can lead to another....

"I complain the most about my stomach. It is the source and destination of all anxiety. It is at the center of this endless, maddening loop: "I feel stressed out" leads to "I feel overwhelmed" leads to "I feel full" leads to "my stomach is full" leads to "my stomach feels bloated and fat and [insert any adjective that is not kind]" leads to "I feel stressed out"... "

Then she went on to this, which describes the disease perfectly...

"What's weird is that my arms were one of the main places I did body checks when I was really sick. You know, the ol' fingers-around-the-arm test to make sure I was "still skinny." This still doesn't make sense to me -- I was disgusted by the skinniess of my arms and wouldn't bear them to the public if you paid me, but I was also dead set against filling out in any way"


"You have to decide that you feel confident -- not wait to feel confident."

It's really hard to fight against this disease. A day at a time still.


"I'm starting to believe that the more we just accept our bodies as they are, instead of fighting, the easier and more natural all the eating issues will get. Anorexia thrives on criticism, after all."

Silence is Golden

Finally I can think because the crazy woman at work just left and I can finally write.

So. I had 3 days off this week, which in the past I would go into panic mode and lurk around the entire third day out of anxiety and such. I've had plenty of those days. So Wednesday was my last day off. I was really tired from an eventful two days before and had no desire to even leave the house until about 5.

At 5 I figured I wanted to go get something to eat because I wasn't really feeling cereal. I went to Haggen and probably looked really odd just staring and deciding forever.

I actually went with what I WANTED which was this pack of whole grain rice veggie sushi. It looked so good and I actually got it, I smiled at the little sushi chef and giggled, it was like Christmas or something, I felt I was doing something so wrong and getting away with it.

Then I walked past the cheese island. I bought one of the snack sized cheeses and got some fire roasted vegetable Kashi crackers to go with it. I figured to top it off I wanted some chocolate. I got a little box of 4 whitman's chocolates and a cider.

I was so giddy at home I made a little cheese and cracker plate and snacked on the sushi throughout the night. Then I even took out a tiny bit of cookie dough and baked 2 cookies to eat.

Basically, what I'm getting at is that I felt that whole experience was so 'wrong.' I felt incredibly awful and guilty around 11 but thanks to Travis was able to lay there and watch a really good movie and try to be kind to myself.

There's a sense of scary freedom when I give myself the opportunity to get anything I want, not based on the 'rules.' I like these moments of freedom and I think they are becoming more common.

Restaurant Panic

So I thought I would write about restaurants and the panic they entail. The disordered thoughts. A normal person would just randomly pick a place to eat and just go with it. With me, it is as follows.

First I pick a restaurant that I know has some sort of 'safe food.' i.e. salads. So Thai/Chinese/Italian/Mexican are usually out of the question unless I can order a Mexican Salad or Italian 'salad.' So then usually my restaurant choice is usually down to 'American Cuisine.' Then there is the disordered habit of if a menu is online then I will study it for up to a day in advance and pre-pick what I will be getting. Oh I can't wait until I can pick whatever I went at wherever I want. Hence this snippit from 'Building Beauty Beyond Body'

"But I was put on the spot and panicked a little and reverted to ye old boring ED favorite, the grilled chicken salad. Once I am truly fully recoverED I'm never going to order one of those damn things in a restaurant again, after so many years of feeling like it was my only option everywhere I went."

I thought this was funny and really similar to what I go through.

Ugh

I have been really quiet today. I had a really great time last night. After work we had lots of people over and then went out. I feel incredibly guilty and awful from eating some nachos then I made a bowl of snacks at home, some potato salad, macaroni salad.

I feel so awful. Ugh, I just really want to go to bed.

Routine

Okay. So I know why I have been so anxious yesterday and today, obviously because my days off were switched and it freaked me out because then in my head I had to 'rethink' my 'plan' for the week.

My plan? What does this really consist of? It consists of control and not to be spontaneous. Example:
Last night I got off work and Travis had a friend over then they were going to go to Rumors to see Mallory and Moses, he asked if I wanted to go because we hadn't seen them for a long time. I said yes, went in to change, felt 'fat, not worthy, "shouldn't go out, etc' and ended up staying in alone. Of course he had a great time and I know I would have too. But I was afraid of the guilt I might feel the next day.

Hence, today. He's having a bbq tonight around 7, I have no idea if people will still be there when I get home, if we're going out, if anything. So I have been super anxious today about that too.

I'm disappointed that last night I let my 'sick' self dictate what I did with my night. I did not LOOK any different than I had the day before or the week before but my disordered thoughts were so strong last night and the guilt was so close that I panicked, and gave in.

Bad.

So now here I am anxious at work trying to breathe and relax. I want to be open to whatever happens when I get home. If there are people over, or if we go out, or if there's food to eat, just to 'go with it.' Easier said than done especially me.

What made me start writing this early in my shift is what I read at 'Bearing, Eating, Being' It was really sweet and made me think of not everything has to be about food/exercise/guilt/diciplin.

"I remember sitting next to a pool on one of my rare off days that month, watching the missionary family I was with enjoy a box of Chips Ahoy that had been sent to them from the States. The little girl asked me, “why don’t you eat some?”

I ate a sleeve and couldn’t remember the last time I had let myself do anything like that. Here I was, in freaking Honduras traveling BY MYSELF for a month, killing tarantulas and sleeping on floors and wandering through mudslides–and eating a sleeve of Chips Ahoy was brave"

"Everything changes when you have an eating disorder. Your reference points for brave and courage acts change; your definitions of “easy” and “hard” tasks change, and your view of yourself becomes smaller and less powerful."

Hrm

I've had a sort of odd 'weekend.'
I had Saturday/Sunday off instead of Monday/Tuesday. This was my fault.
Saturday I did the Haggen 5 k and had a great time then went out with people who all came over after. But Sunday I was sort of lost, it ALMOST became one of those days where my anxiety is sky high and I panic. I was getting to that point then had to pull myself up and just went to the Bellwether to visit. I then decided I had to relax. So I got some cider at Haggen (I was deciding literally for 20 minutes) Then went home had a pep talk with myself that I'm going to put on anything in my closet because they are my clothes. So I got comfy but NOT baggy clothes on.
Then I poured myself some cider, grabbed Oliver and the cat nip toy then watched MSNBC.

I was able to relax. I had moments where I felt fat/lazy/ blah but really actively tried to embrace 'relaxing' 'lounging' etc.

It was hard but okay. Travis got home late and I ended up falling asleep before we could finish the movie.

I'm still sort of in panic/anxious mode. He has today and tomorrow off and I have a long week at work and it doesn't feel like Monday obviously. I'm anxious because he is having a BBQ tomorrow which means I'd like to hang out with people after work, then thoughts like do I eat less because people are coming over then I'll be up later and eat later or do I just eat the same stuff and risk feeling fat when I get home then retreat into the bedroom. Etc.
Crazy thoughts.

I recognize this anxiety comes from a change in schedule/routine.

1 Year

Today is my one year anniversary of starting treatment. I will never forget last year on Cinco de Mayo going into Jacobson to say once again, very humiliated, I have anorexia, I need help. They weighed me, with my clothes on and she looked at me very scared. At the time I was doing this for everyone else. I thought I was fine. I was mad about going but a tiny bit releaved.

Then when I got home I called Leslie for the first time, made an appointment then went out. We went to Boundary for lunch, I had a side salad, part of it. I had to safety pin my pants that day. We went to the mall and I remember being so hungry and weak. Then we went to Dos Padres and I remember everyone but me ordered food. I ate the chips and salsa.

I remember everyone wanted to go to the Nightlight after to go dancing and all I wanted to do was go home. But I went and was so tired and hating myself. I ended up dancing then I remember wanting to get nachos so bad, so we did and I cried the way home. I felt so awful. And the reality of treatment was setting in.

My lady asked me this week when was it when I decided to actually actively try to get better. It wasn't until October. That's when I had the leverage needed to commit.

I also talked to her about what I am doing now that I never thought I could do a year ago.

-Not loathe my body as much as I did.
-Eat cereal with milk.
-Eat cereal that's NOT kashi go lean
-Eat foods not out of only tupper ware containers
-Drink chai lattes instead of black coffee
-Be able to be ACTIVE from 9am until 1 or 2am
-Not have to take naps or 'rest' in the afternoon
-Be able to run a mile and not want to pass out
-Be able to stand up without being dizzy
-Say fuck you to rice cakes
-To eat foods (granted still scary but can sometimes) such as...chicken, pizza, nachos (Last night at Boundary), bread, muffins.
-Not be so rigid about food
-Not be thinking about food all day. Now it's mainly politics and Nut and Cat
-Own bras that fit and that.....give me cleavage!
-Have a butt and not hate it
-Find myself smiling for no good reason
-Be more at peace with myself than I ever though possible
-Have memories because I am not starving my brain

Just a few things I've been thinking about today.

A year ago today I was convinced that gaining any weight would make me hate myself even more than I did at the time. I was convinced that I would lose Travis because of weight gain, I would lose whatever 'special thing' I had about me, which I thought was only being emaciated (I've learned that I can be thin without being emaciated). I thought that's all I had to offer. I was convinced that gaining weight would not make my mind or myself at peace.

Alas. I can laugh a little now. Yes I do still have bad days and bad weeks. I do have days where I loathe my body and it still terrifies me. But I told my lady it's 70-30. I never would have guessed how much I like myself more, even after gaining this much weight. And it's a lot of weight. Scary. But pretty okay.

I remind myself now that I am not worthless, I have more to offer than being able to be emaciated, I will not lose people that love me, I am still me at any weight, I am MORE me at a healthy weight where I can function and be active.

I would have never been able to do ANY of this without the incredible support, patience, love, and understanding of my 'team'
Thank you
My parents for taking the time to see Leslie, and understand a disease that is near impossible to understand and to support me through all the crazy times with unconditional love.

To Travis for the amount of patience, love, and support. For the way he knows how to distinguish between myself and the disease talking. For always knowing EXACTLY what to say to me in my times of chaos and distress and tears. For the love that I can see in his eyes and know he's not lying about me being more beautiful.

To Leslie for truly believing in me and giving me the chance to do this on my own and trusting me.

To my incredible friends who have seen me at my best and my worst. Their support love and hugs are real and I am so thankful.

So yeah. Good job team.
Here's to another year of what will be ups downs highs lows and full of love and adventures.

Oh and to Oliver, who loves me and scratches me at any weight ;)

This was up today on 'Ed Bites' and I thought it was strangely relevant to this last week.

"We need to start seeing the initial phase of weight restoration and normalization of eating behaviors similar to detox from addictions--it's a necessary first step but far far from the last. Furthermore, intensive, ongoing support is still needed after detox and weight restoration so that brain healing can take place and the person can learn how to overcome their tendency towards substance abuse or eating disorders."