Update

Well this week is going far better than last in regards to anxiety about my body.
I had a pretty great two days off.

Monday I did a bunch of gardening, especially in the front, got some necessities at Target then we all went to the Bistro to watch Evening Magazine's show on us. We went to Copper Hog, Rumors, then NYP. A really good night that consisted of a really good talk between me and Travis.

Tuesday was beautiful and I did lots more gardening. It was Sarah's birthday and Abby was in town. I went over to Sarah's that day and got to see Autumn Charlie and Noel. Cutest family. Nick was in town too so it was a blast. Even Natalie and Raj came and we all had a great party, lots of Lady Gaga, a pinata, a cake with 80 candles then we went downtown to the Ranch Room, I had a fabulous veggie plate then cereal at home.

I had a good talk with my lady about my clothes. I finally took the two 'bad' jeans out of the drawer and set them aside, I also just bit the bullet and got rid of some shirts that reminded me too much of how they fit last summer. So at least I have a lot more room in my drawers and I got a couple tops at Gap in bigger sizes.

I did have a minor....freak-out on Tuesday trying to decide what to wear. I felt that nothing fit and changed literally 6 times. Travis can attest to that.

I told my lady I want to be able to open my closet and just get anything and feel good in it.

But besides that things have been really nice. The weather is incredible, the front of the house is all weeded planted with flowers, little decorations and lined with bricks and rocks. I am very proud of our little yard.

Work's great besides one MAJOR person. Guess who. Besides him being a complete asshole to me. I love working with Natalie, Raj, Tim and even Jerry. We really are a family.

Travis has still been working 2 until almost midnight each night. He's so tired and making a lot of overtime. I am stockpiling all my money from cookies and dog treats for Vegas. My goal is to NOT touch it before. I should lock it up or get an unbreakable piggy bank.

Oliver is amazing as usual. Scratching me all the time and sleeping across my face. Can't complain.

On Tuesday I also parked my car in the back and washed it and cleaned it, it looks so good. Very proud.

Anywho, I told my lady that I had my little breakdown on Tuesday because I think I forgot that I am still recovering and not 'all better.' It snuck up on me and I lost it but it was good to remind me that this is still a process with ups and downs.

Crazy Pills

I feel like I'm on crazy pills. Oh wait, I am. This has been a hard couple days. I am still distraught over my clothes not fitting, so I have been boycotting them. I had a minor quiet breakdown last night. I was curled in a ball after work and couldn't move. Travis was so sweet and caring. I feel disconnected to my body and my distortion is out of control right now. I feel huge. I feel like I can't function. I have felt so guilty after eating my cereal the last few nights.

I am so afraid of my body most of the time right now.
I have to really focus on breathing. But ugh. I was on a roll and it's discouraging when it gets hard again.

I'd like to think 'I'm all better and over this' but days like the last few remind me that this isn't something I can just 'get over.' I find myself not being able to get ready in a reasonable time because I am criticizing over and over.

Rrrr.

Wording

I just read Blogxygen and she said she had an epiphany in therapy the other day. She said to her therapist "I wish I was skinny" and her lady said "You are still very thin, especially for someone at your height." And she realized that for so long she had used the words 'skinny' and 'emaciated' as the same thing. She realized she can be at a 'healthy weight' (which is terrifying to hear in therapy) and still be 'thin.' It's not black and white. But that's what my thought process was also. That I am either anorexic or fat. There is a healthy in between that can be thin as well.

Just thought that was cool reading that. Helpful.

Size

I had an ALMOST meltdown on Wednesday and Thursday oh and today. Why you ask? Well I thought I would try my jeans on. The ones I recently bought and they are really really tight....Then I put on the Diesel jeans.....Basically I freaked out.
Everything is getting tighter and I feel pretty numb about it.

I'm at work now and antsy about how to go about it.

Bleh.

I had really great days off and had a fun time. I almost stayed in Thursday because I felt ashamed of my body. I spent entirely too much time criticizing my body in front of the mirror. I wasn't able to spend as much time with Oliver or in the yard planting as I wanted to. That's the worst part of this disease, it takes away things you like to do.

:(

I just need some quiet nights and hugs.

Minimalist

I was reading Kim's blog and she had a great definition of what anorexia meant to her.

"To me, anorexia is a disease of the soul. The self-denial and restriction spill over to all areas of life, and food becomes just another metaphor, hinting at something much deeper and more profound."

I thought this was a really good explanation of what it means to me also.
She also wrote about what recovery means to her. Recovery is about learning that I deserve things and that it is okay to want. Want things for my life, for me, not for what my disease says to do.

"Recovery is about learning to want again. I've had to experiment with wanting. Dabble in it, so to speak. It hasn't felt natural. When I go out to eat and someone says they're "craving" something or "can't resist" something, these concepts are foreign to me. I want to ask, "What the hell is that like?" I've lived according to so many rules that I've muted wanting over the years. I've feared my wants, banned them from my mind, convinced they would overtake me, lure me into a state of overindulgence and -- shudder -- chaotic loss of control. I've had a very plain existence, with structure and limitations."

Less clutter, less chaos, more control.
Temptation, clutter, unease.

Gah!

Gah, I am anxious to the MAX right now. I'm at work and feel like I'm losing it. I've had a really rough few days with my body. I am looking down repeatedly at my stomach and can't seem to just stop. I notice that while I do this I am hunched over, puffing my stomach out and just holding it. Instead why don't I stand up straight and it goes away and I can breathe. Okay...
Breathing.

Positive things!
It's incredibly beautiful out!
I don't have to bake cookies tomorrow!
I get paid tonight!
I love my nut and monster kitten!

Honest Look

So I should take an honest look. I feel pretty anxious at work right now. Why? Because I had 2 bites of some Easter cake and 2 truffles last night. But, hey it's Easter right? Right now I feel 'obviously fat.' So that's my crazy voice and I just have to keep telling myself that just because I ate something 'scary' does not mean I am different than I was yesterday. And even more important, that no matter what I eat or what weight I am, I am still me.

Period.

Travis and I did our Easter last night. We exchanged Easter baskets and they were both so cute, then watched a good comedy show on Netflix.

It's really quiet at work, which is nice. I am really looking forward to my days off. Looks like next week I will have Weds and Thurs off, so it will be an 8 day work week, but on Tuesday I get the mid shift, which is nice.

Hungry

I'm hungry. Good thing I eat my snack in T Minus 20 minutes. I'm at work and it's Saturday. A sleep Saturday it seems like. I did hide Easter eggs throughout the rooms for guests and already constructed Travis' Easter basket :)

The week has been pretty good. I have felt pretty body confident. Lots of trips to the mirror in the bathroom at work to catch my breath and have a little sane time.

I am really enjoying the pilates everyday. I feel stronger already. It helps me appreciate my body for what it can do and to take care of it and I feel really good after. I switch between the abs and the whole body routines.

I can't believe tomorrow is Easter. I remember Easter last year really well. I worked at Paper Dreams until 7 and then Travis was working so I picked Mike up and we went to go see a show at the Buffalo, the March 5th Marching Band, we were there early so we went to the Ranch and sat with Sally the bartender and she made me this chamborde champagne drink. I remember it was when I had to do the 100 dozen cookies for BP in a couple weeks and I was freaking out the whole time. I drank a lot at the Buffalo and then I don't remember what we did after.

I was really thin and tired too. It was after the Spring Showcase and I was so stressed and anxious about money and the BP order.

But! This year! So different. I have....
- Sent out Easter cards to all my friends
-Made a pretty good basket for Travis :)
-Got so many tulips and flowers in the house it's awesome
-Am not going to pass out from lack of food.

April Time!

I can't believe it's April! Today while I'm here at work the Bellingham Spring Showcase is going on.
I can't believe it's been a year.
Last year it was in the Sportsplex and I remember being freezing. I also remember being starving the whole time. Big Fat Fish Company had appetizers and samples, some dessert place had all these incredible looking desserts and basically there was a ton of really great food. Guess what I ate? Half a Luna Bar.
I remember Aaron Devorak with Shucksan Golf Course brought me over some HOT homemade bread pudding thing, it smelled and looked amazing. When nobody was looking I threw it away.
I wish I could go this year to prove to myself that I can do what I want. But alas, I'm at work, that's okay.
I remember being so exhausted after the show. Cleaning up just sucked and I just wanted to be home.

So I have come a long way. Pretty good.