A Week in Review

It's Sunday at work and I have been obsessing about my body. I don't think I've gone 10 minutes without touching my stomach/area. Why's that? Well, I suppose I'm a little anxious, mainly because I went to Costco and had yummy samples, but alas that makes me anxious, which makes me obsess, which makes me think I look obviously fat compared to yesterday. (Enter Twilight Zone music) Crazy!

BUT. Let's recap shall we?

MONDAY! You mean FUNDAY! Well Monday was spent doing my pilates!!! (Which I adore), running a couple errands, cleaning like a mad person. Then Travis met Bryan at C. Hog and me and Jaime came after, we had lots of people and a big couch then ventured to the Ranch Room. After getting a ride home I had a big bowl of yummy cereal and sleeps. Overall day, pretty okay, I got to wear my new skirt, which I felt uncomfortable in but did it anyway.

TUESDAY! What a great day! For one, it was sunny, which always makes me happy. I ran to the Hog to get my car, I enjoy my jogs and I felt not too bad from the night before. I saw my lady and we laughed about my crazy thoughts. I always feel better equipped to conquer the e.d. voice after appts with her. At 3 I met all the girls at Jalapenos because it was Abby's day back! We had a great time, I failed to finish my Big Mama. Then real Mama picked me up and we went to Poppes. I love going to Poppes. We had a great time then the girls met me at my place, we had some champagne, baked some brownies, and headed to the Up and Up. I changed clothes because sadly my e.d. voice told me I now looked not okay in the clothes I was wearing. So sadly I put on more baggy clothes (bad). At the Up we got a big booth and a cider then finished the night at the Ranch. The girls waited for me while my cab came around 12 and at home I had another yummy bowl of cereal and fell asleep.


A very busy two days, lots of activity. Wednesday was rest day. I did my pilates, went to work and went to sleep early. Thursday I baked a little, went to work, and we watched Zombie Land. Friday was another nice night in, as well as Saturday.


I have been really anxious about my jeans. Because I know even the newer ones I bought are going to be tighter. So I have avoided them. I might try to wear them during my days off, but we'll see.

Updating

Updating....work's been good, anxiety has been alright. It's going. I have had a lot of fun going out with friends, it was incredibly fun to see Abby and hang out with all the girls, getting big mama's in the sunshine, seeing Autumn.

I get a little more used to my body each day. There are still hard days, but it's going alright.

I love the spring time :)
It really does make things better :)

I'm really enjoying my pilates! Today I did the core segment. Even though it's only 15 minutes, it makes me feel really good the rest of the day. It's also on the road to help me learn to respect, love, and feel my new body.

I am so afraid of touching my own body. i.e. my arms touching my sides, my thighs touching, my stomach, or whatever, Pilates forces you to get into weird positions, hold it, and roll around a lot (which I like). It's been weird to get used to. But I really like it so far.

Interesting post from 'Ed Bites', Carrie is talking about how anorexia made her feel special, because no matter what happened, at least she was the skinniest. This relates a lot to what my lady and I are talking about. Just odd how similar it is.

"The anorexia made me feel special, somehow. It made me feel like I was "The Best" when I was starving and over-exercising and losing weight. If I found out that anyone had eaten less than me that day (food poisoning, their own eating disorder), my brain flew into a tizzy and I felt compelled to exercise off every extra calorie or purge what was left in my system. Eating more than someone meant I wasn't "The Best," and if I wasn't "The Best," I was just average. My abnormally low weight played a role, too. Although I never fully bought into the (wrong) cultural idea that thin people are inherently "better" than those who are heavier, I was rather aware of this idea and it played a role in my ED. If I was the "thinnest," then I was "The Best." If I gained weight, I was only average, and average, as I've said before, is not something my perfectionistic brain likes to contemplate."


It's Sunday at work and I am beat. My eyes are beyond sleepy. We had a great time out last night and stayed up pretty late. With the rain today it's been a lazy day for sure. At least work is quiet. I cannot wait to be home, wash my face really well and get some good sleep.

Update

It's Friday at work and I love how beautiful it is outside. With the longer days it makes work go by a lot faster. It also has made me wake up a lot earlier. The last couple days I've been up around 9:30-10. Which is nice, I was able to do some cleaning and even planted my flower bulb in a new bowl.

The Buspar is going nicely, I get to pick up more tomorrow. This week has been nice. Monday we went out to the Copper Hog and actually got home pretty early. I had a wonderful bowl of cereal, which I need to start mixing up soon, in a rut.

Tuesday we lurked around then I went to Hog with my dad, had a great time, then went to NYP with Bryan and Rissy. I ordered the artichoke dip for everyone! I believe I had 3 pieces! Only bad part, I burned the top of my mouth super bad and it's still burnt! For dinner I had the scary Bacon Spinich Salad, it came with 2 pieces of bread that I ate too! It was wonderful.

Wednesday we stayed in for St. Patrick's. When I got off work I tried on my jeans...holy hell they are tight. I mean, they fit like a glove, which yes is good and the goal, but so scary. I wore them around the house for a bit then got comfy clothes on, it was scary, but I want to get used to them.

I also did an honest inventory of my clothes, including too small undies, which had to go. So my closet feels much lighter. The beginning of spring cleaning.

Daily Gratitude
-I started with my daily pilates! There's a pilates workout that's 15 minutes on OnDemand, and I did it today! It burned! As I was doing the little leg lifts and arm lifts Oliver kept attacking me. So along with a good workout, I also have good scratches. But Oliver will still be my pilates buddy.
-The Weather is amazing! It was too warm for my coat!
-The beginnings of spring cleaning!
-My ladies are finally on Spring Break!
-Cereal!

Sunday Thoughts

Today has been the typical lazy Sunday, yet before work was quite something...

Let's start from the beginning. Last night after work I met Val at Copper Hog, then Tim, Scott, and Travis came. We stayed until close then all went back to our house for some more cocktails and chats. We had (scary time!) Smoked Gouda Cheese with Kashi crackers that were fabulous, brownies that I had made, and Digiorno pizza. I ate with everyone else, I had cheese, a brownie and even a piece and a half of pizza! Little did we know, due to the 'Spring Ahead' it was 4:30 by the time everyone left.

THEN, I got up at 12ish and made the mistake of....flushing the kitty litter down the toilet...yes I know. This is of course while Travis is sleeping. I then proceed to overflow the toilet and get about an inch of water covering the whole bathroom. Of course I have no plunger, I get one from the neighbor and plunge away. I fix it then use all our towels to clean it up, and throw them away. THEN I have to run to my car at Copper Hog. I get done with it all around 1:45. Busy morning....

But that led me to go to Freddy's to get fun things!
Including...
-Scrubbing bubbles bleach gel cleaner!!!!
-Comet!!!!
-New bath towels!!!!!
-A lamp for our bedside table!!!!

After finally getting to work I was pretty tired. I am really tired now. I have felt okay today about eating last night. I've had my moments but I don't regret it.

Saturday Thoughts

As I stand here on one foot at the Bellwether Desk I have a wave of anxiety rush on me, then I realize there's nothing to be anxious about, so I am able to make it go away. Why is this? Buspar? Zoloft? Coming into myself more? As....dare I say it...a woman?

You know what is so crazy. The last week or so I've felt more like a woman than I ever have. I mean this in the way of my body. I feel like my weight has distributed throughout my body and I am more used to my curves and feel......oh gosh sexy? It's weird. I do believe I look a lot better than I did last summer. I do believe I am prettier now because I have color in my face, my hair is more shiney, my skin is better, my body isn't gross. I get a million more compliments now than I ever have.

So. I feel pretty okay right now :) I'm pretty damn lucky.

Feeling:

-Comfortable
-Happy
-A teeny bit hungry

Wanting:
-For work to be done so we can go out and play! It's been a while.
-For Herzog not to show up so I can take my jacket off.
-A Boomer's burger, Digiorno Pizza, or Chili?

Because:
-I am feeling ready to go out and wear my cute new flannel shirt. Plus Nick is in town and wants to hang out.
-See above
-I am craving weird things. Wait, I am craving NOT rice cakes! For once I am craving real normal food. I haven't bought rice cakes in over a week and I have no desire to.

Procrastinating on:
-Well, I have a good chunk in my savings account. We got the plane and hotel tickets. We just have to pay the parents back for the plane tickets. Rest of the bills are paid for right now. Groceries bought.
-Nothing really?

Daily Gratitude:
-I'm glad it was sunny out to take a short jog.
-I got 2 wonderful new amazing kitty toys at Clarks!
-I had a really good Chai Latte.

LOTR and Anorexia

This is a great idea from Blogxygen. So I will play too!!! Who would play who if my life in recovery were the Lord of the Rings series. Here’s what I came up with:

I would be Frodo.

My eating disorder is the ring/Sauron/the eye. (BITCH)

Travis would be Sam-wise Gamgee because
a. He’s in love with me and I'm a girl not a little furry hobbit, so it's not gay.
b. He follows me around, or gets drug by me, to lurk and do odd adventures.
c. He would take the ring from me if he could and destroy it.
d. When I allow it, he cooks for me, not rabbit stew.
e. He buys flowers for me.

My lady, the therapist, would be Gandalf the Grey because she’s rescued me from myself and my denial of a real eating disorder. She's incredibly wise and knows everything about the 'eye'. She’s leading the journey against me destroying the RING aka Eating Disorder and knows that I, Frodo, am the only one that can fling it into the fiery depths of Mordor.

Dr. Floyd would be Aragorn. They’re both VERY good looking and have kind eyes. .Aragorn gives Frodo lots of good advice and makes Frodo step on his sword to weigh her.

My ladys and friends are Pippin and Meri, the other hobbits. They are helping along the journey to destroy the ring. They keep me entertained with big hugs, lots of laughs, second breakfasts and PINTS!

Mama is Gimli, that’s a COMPLIMENT because I just love Gimli. He never wavers in his quest to help Frodo and fights hell and high water to make sure he succeeds.

Papa's Legolas. Both super organized and calculating and Legolas and my dad never miss anything they’re trying to do and what they aim for they always achieve. If my dad has my recovery on his to-do list, then dammit, it’ll get done!

My old doctor (who shall not be named), would be Boramir because she’s a decietful, cold lady who went all rogue and just told me to say screw the quest and go to Wisconsin. Mordor is not on the way to Wisconsin. She started out good, and on the quest with me, then tried to just say screw it and forgot about me due to her own insanities.

Who would be Gollom? I can throw him in the ring with my eating disorder/the battle between wanting to get better and wanting to continue. So devious!!!

Practice

So tonight at work I saw very clearly how I react when I am anxious, nervous, stressed, etc. I dealt with a lot of problems tonight and I noticed while running from floor to floor to Bistro to closets that I had my hand on my stomach almost the whole time. It is a false form of comfort and reassurance. So hey I know this at least.

Today has been a beautiful day, the weather was great and even though I am most likely going to get in trouble tomorrow at work, I am still pretty content with my body at this time.

I am so excited to be home with Travis, cuddled, watching something and snuggling.

Thoughts

So I've been pretty quiet this week. Lots of thoughts.

Travis had a really great talk with me last night. I am currently in a very anxious state being that I have gained weight. I don't know how much, but sadly my lady did mention that I did.
I said 'Why can't she just lie to me and say I'm down that way I don't feel so guilty eating?'
Travis said 'Well then what happens when you find out, you no longer trust your lady because she lied to you?'

So obviously that method is out of the picture. I am afraid that since I am no longer 78-84 lbs that I have 'reached my peak' and can 'no longer eat yummy foods because I will just keep gaining weight and become fat and worthless and not unique anymore.' <------See the Crazy?

So Travis calmly stated the following 'God doesn't have a magic stamp that says once you pass 90 lbs then you are automatically fat and no longer thin.'

I guess that's one of my biggest fears. I don't understand that I can still be thin and (in control of my body) and not be anorexic and emaciated.

Anyway...confusing.

I have started the Buspar, it does absolutely nothing. Valium did something at least, this stuff is a joke. I understand when the doctor looks at me I don't 'look' really anxious (Whatever that means) and won't give me something to take the edge off. I've been on 200 mg of Zoloft for months. Ugh