Screaming Silence

That's what I felt like at the doctor today. I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody even looked my way.

Let me explain. The visit was typical, a typical hour and a half in the waiting room before I even get into the little examination room. Sue tells me to put the gown on to get weighed, same old. I get on the scale and yes I gained weight. Yes this is beyond all great, yes it scares the hell out of me, yes it makes me want to run forward and the other direction at the same time. As I stood there staring at the number on the scale, what do I hear? Nothing. I hear no 'you're up!'. No, 'great job!' Nothing. I only hear anything if it is down.

So I proceed to the tiny cold examination room, feeling discouraged. She does my blood pressure, pulse, etc. All is fine. She tells me to stay in my gown for Jacobson. This is strange. So I sit there, freezing in that gown for another 30 minutes. Jacobson comes in and looks at me confused and asks 'Why are you still in the gown?' I smile to myself and say Sue told me to (knowing full well that is one of Sue's many passive aggressive actions towards me). Jacobson begins talking and I interupt her and say 'Listen, I am freezing, would you mind if I put my clothes back on?' She says of course and doesn't move. Expecting me to change in front of her. I see this and sit for half a second and say 'Forget it then.' So I am now discouraged and now completely humiliated. I almost just started crying because of how that doctor's office has made me feel over the last few months. All I wanted to do was leave.

Jacobson then tells me the following (again, blows my mind). 'So I talked to Leslie and she told me that you two decided by November 1st you will be going to inpatient.' I literally laughed when she said this. I said...no that's not what we said. I am getting new insurance Nov. 1st (it does not cover inpatient) and I told Jacobson, I will not be going to inpatient. And she asks me why? I tell her there are about a thousand reasons. For one, I would lose my job. I would be there over the holidays (that's fun), I would be jeopardizing Travis and our house and our life, and um how about it's 20,000 a month? Oh yeah, that's a biggie. I told her, I will be up in weight by then so it's not an issue.

Ugh, just thinking how nobody in that god forsaken hospital believes in me, only makes me want to prove them wrong more and more. Fuck them. If pizza will make me gain weight then I'll eat pizza, fuck it. Gah! Now I'm all fired up. Assholes...

Anyway, this will lead to something better. A new doctor :) I am switching and looking forward to it. The only positive thing about the visit is I got my RX for Zoloft at 50 mg, drug me up Scottie!
:)

Tomorrow I go to the nutritionist, a task I hate doing because I still don't feel the point of going every week because we literally talk about the same thing each week. Goes something like this..
-Cindy "How's the meal plan?"
-Me " It's there, I eat some things off it, okay I guess?"
-Cindy " What can we add?"
-Me " I don't know, I'm still trying to do it" "I can't go to the bathroom."
-Cindy "Drink prune juice."
-Me "okay...." (not helpful)
-Cindy "Drink more ensure, 2 a day"
-Me "right."

Then I leave, usually pissed. Whatever. It's something I have to do so I will deal.

I also bought these Lean Cuisines and I want them so bad and they have been staring at me from the freezer. I don't know why I haven't been able to eat them yet. I can eat Digiorno pizza but not a Lean Cuisine? This is strange. That's my goal tomorrow. To eat one for dinner. Because I will be by myself and I want to do it. For me.

When I saw my lady today I was much more honest with her in the sense of how I'm really feeling. Usually I will say "I"m good, it's going okay, blah blah." But today, I just said " I feel like shit, I feel like someone is literally jumping up and down on my stomach this is on top off all the mental fucked up shit." I said I hate being moody, unfriendly, not social but sometimes it just hurts so much and I just need to lay really quiet. She said I have every right to. She said I have never really stood up for myself and that I am allowed to really feel out this process because it's going to suck. She said she promises that it will get better but that it will suck for a while. I believe her because christ she only worked with inpatients in California.

So yes. It sucks. It's hard. I hate it. Today I have been actively trying to ignore this uncomfortable feeling in my gut. This is my digestive. I have been reading studies on anorexics who begin 'refeeding' and the shit (ha) that their digestive goes through. The bloating, the pain, the cramps, and how it is the belly that latches onto food first and then with time disperses. My lady has prepared me that yes, I will have a belly through this. Which makes me want to literally kill somebody. It better fucking disperse. To my boobs ;)

She did have a positive thing to say though! She said listen, the first 5 pounds are the most painful, then after a little more you can start exercising again, to tone and build muscle. This felt really good to hear. It felt good to know that I will be at a point, hopefully soon, where I can exercise, because it just makes me feel so much better each day. That's a proven fact too. It improves happiness :) Your body thanks you.

So.
Yes.

I'm also sad I couldn't go with Travis to Southcenter tonight to go shopping with his mom. It was this time last year that I first met his mom. I was so nervous. I wore my high waisted skirt and vest and we hadn't been seeing each other too long and I was just so nervous. It was so fun, we went to lunch, shopped, and went to dinner in Seattle. So I was bummed I couldn't go. But he told me he found some good stuff and I am excited to see what he got when he gets home tonight.

All I want tonight is to build a nest with him, get our jammies on, and watch a movie and let him hold me.

This is something else this filthy disorder has done, that I am reclaiming (thanks to Zoloft and my kick ass mind skills). The act of being held has terrified me these few months. Because I hate the feeling of my stomach against anything. It's awful and has triggered awful thoughts so I have just...avoided really letting him hold me. Really letting him put his arms around me. He is my favorite and the only one I really want a hug from and I hate that this...thing...says I can't? So I want to cuddle/hug/be held. He has always been the best at that. Always. :)

Okay. It's almost 8 at work now. I just had a piece of taffy. Pretty good. I want the rest of the crust of the pumpkin cheesecake, but that's an asshole move. It's like eating the top of muffins and cupcakes, yeah I'm that person :) Or just the toppings off a pizza (guilty).

But hey! This is me breathing. This is me embracing my body (my upset, puffy, bloated, beautiful tummy), this is me embracing food. I am making a yogurt parfet when I get home tonight too god dammit. If it's the last thing I do.

Suck it.

A New View

I found a pretty good new blog to read about a woman with anorexia. She took an honest look at herself and what her disorder has taught her. I thought all of these were very prevalent to myself and they speak to me very much. It makes me feel better to know people feel like I do. And that I'm not completely crazy ;)

Ed has taught me a series of things to be ok, and not ok with, and you may or may not agree with it. Here it goes:
It is ok to gain a few pounds.
It is ok to lose a few pounds.
It is ok to feel anger, or fear, or resentment, or sadness, or remorse, or regret, or any other emotion we will all encounter at some point in life. What matters is that we deal with it in healthful and effective ways.
It is ok to relapse.
It is ok to cry.
It is ok to be weak at times.
It is most definitely ok to seek help. It is important that help is sought.

It is not ok to allow Ed to spiral out of control.
It is not ok when Ed starts controlling your life.
It is not ok to starve yourself.
It is not ok to go for two days without food.
It is not ok to commit a long, slow, suicide by entertaining Ed and not seek help.
It is not ok to put your loved ones through the torture of witnessing your suicide and not letting them help.

Okay....

Yesterday I went to my lady appointment and got what felt like a slap in the face. Which, yeah, I needed, but was not expecting. She had called my doctor on Monday and my nutritionist and my doctor wants me to go to inpatient now (right) and my nutritionist needs me to do better with my meal plan and my lady wants me to go to inpatient because she told me she doesn't think I can do this on my own. She called down to the center in California and told them my BMI and they said if I lost one more pound I wouldn't be admitted for liability reasons. She called the place in Wisconsin as well. She told them what insurance I have and it covers nothing. So she told me that when I get new insurance on Nov. 1st to see what that would cover.

Bottom line, I'm not going to inpatient. I would lose everything. So she said to prove her wrong. Show everyone that yes I can do this on my own. My lady made me write down things to promise. One of which is I have to call her everyday and tell her what I ate the day before. I have to see her twice a week now, Tuesdays and Thursdays at 1, go to the nutritionist every week. And still get weighed.

I got weighed today, 79. Bleh. I see my doctor Tuesday to up the Zoloft and get a flu shot. Also, after that appointment I will be switching to a different doctor in the practice, because I am fed up with mine.

I had a great talk with my mom about everything and feel okay. I feel better from the Zoloft and was proactive on getting food at home that I am comfortable eating and know will help me gain the weight in a normal way. Which is really good. It's 9:40 and I'm at work and pretty full. A little uncomfortable. But I think I really challenged myself today. I brought hummus to work, not mustard(no calories in mustard hardly), I brought a Luna bar not a kids cliff bar (kids cliff are 130 my Luna was 190), I brought vegetables too. I had yogurt, a small piece of banana bread, and a banana for breakfast. I brought yogurt to work too. When I get home I'm going to have some trail mix. I also bought granola today for my yogurt and I'm excited about that. I also got the ensures today, I'll have some when I get home. And my nutritionist said to add prune juice to my diet everyday, which will be great and I sorta wish I had some at work right now, but I'll have some also when I go to bed.

Last night Travis and I had a great talk and I really told him my fears about the 'process' of gaining the weight back. Because it is so physically uncomfortable, not only is it mentally beyond hard (hence the entire eating disorder) it is also physically painful when you start eating again because the body has not functioned on that level for so long. So I know that he understands that after I eat I will most likely feel not so great and he will be there to support me and hold my hand. I just want to get past these 5 pounds so that I can be at a better place, prove everyone wrong, and be better for him. He's my world and I have to do this for him. I love him more than anything and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I have the greatest support from my friends too. Erica is the strongest advocate for me and I am so excited to let her help me and be open to them all, even though they are scary I know they will literally save my life. I am just so thankful for these people.

Anyway. Off in about an hour. Thank god, ready to put comfy clothes on, curl in the nest, grab some nuts and my nut ;) and watch an XFile.

Muah

Recovery, I have been told, is a long process. Ups and downs. Trips 'on and off the wagon.' I have read lots of stories/blogs/books on different people's recovery, their perception of it, how they did it, what approach worked for them and such. I have read about extreme measures for recovery; i.e. hospitals/inpatient/feeding tubes. Moderate measures; i.e. weekly doctor appointments/therapists/nutritionists/group therapy. I have read about people doing it on their own with the help of friends/family, a large support group and learning to change habits. Learning to change the habits and behavior is difficult. It is so easy to fall into a cycle and not realize how long you have been in it until a few months and 15 pounds goes by.

I'm not sure where I fall. I see my lady, I whine about seeing the nutritionist, but I go, I get weighed every week (well I did miss 2 weeks due to my resent towards Sue and the practice), and I go for follow ups when my doctor says I need them. Apparently, I don't need them. Which is why I am switching doctors. After next week at least.

I mean....I started this process in May. Cinco de Mayo actually. So it's been almost 5 months. Christ, almost half a year...
I need to not get ahead of myself at this point. Because I think the Zoloft may be kicking in and I get a higher dose next week. The anxiety has been pretty manageable this week. Especially compared to last (jesus). The fact is I should have been put on Zoloft in May and not 3 weeks ago. Thanks again 'doctor team.'

But since that was not the case, I feel more like it's now that things may be coming together better so that I can mentally really allow myself to do this. Without the anxiety attacking with a knife it seemed like.

I also need to learn the beauty and skill of balance. Balance in my life. This will be applied to all aspects. First and foremost, food obviously. A balanced healthy relationship, more consistency (which I think to my credit I have done rather well since our grocery store trip this week, minus last night, but hey I'm not perfect). Balance in my crazy head too (Zoloft should help nicely too). I am practicing the art of 'not worrying about needless things.'

All in all I am just trying to take this one day at a time. I have spent too much of it planning ahead and thus worrying. So, new strategy.

Hrmph

So for whatever reason I have had 5 days off from work in a row. I only requested Friday off, but I got 5. It has been a really hard few days. I don't do well with days to myself. Wednesday I spent the whole day inside on the couch and Thursday wasn't much better. I went and got weighed on Friday and was down a little, which really truly surprised me. I like being at work. I like being around people. It's hard when I'm left for days in a row. It's harder for me to ask for help though. It's hard for me to see people when there are days like that.

I need to take the help my friends offer. I love them and sometimes I just feel paralyzed in one place.

Mid September Already

I can't believe that it is September 13th already. The leaves have already started turning and it's crisp out. Pumpkins are filling up grocery stores and browns, oranges, and reds are everywhere. These things make me feel relaxed. It's almost like everything slows down a little more in the fall.

It's 9:39 and I'm at work. Almost time to go home and I am looking forward to putting on Travis' warm giant fleece, washing my face, and crawling into the couch bed with him to most likely fall asleep after only being 20 minutes into an X-Files episode. That to me, is the perfect night. The perfect night/day/evening/outing always involves him.

Letting myself enjoy time, space, feelings, scenery has become difficult but a part of me can feel it coming back. I can feel parts of me coming back. Even though it has taken me a while. I am letting go in small ways and one day I will wake up and just 'be.'

To 'be' in the moment is something I desire each day. To be mindful. Really feel things around me.

Let go. Let go. Breathe.

I am so lucky to have the most amazing friends, boyfriend, family, life it just amazes me each day to be able to fall asleep with such love around me.

I had part of a quesadilla today, a bite of chocolate cake, part of a cupcake, and some cheese. This is on top of my normal food. So yes. This was good. I have a tummy ache right now and want to go to sleep but that's still good right?