Workity Work

At work, it's 9, 2 hours left. I am anxiously waiting for Tuesday, when I go to see my doctor to get an anxiety medication. I didn't think I needed one for the longest time, however, the last couple weeks, with my body now in the process of physically changing (for the better, even though half of me is losing it), my anxiety has spiked in a way I cannot describe.

I feel always on edge. The worst part is, I told my lady, is that I am so so so happy with everything that I feel I haven't let myself enjoy it yet! I can relax when I have had a drink, but obviously I cannot drink 24 hours a day. I am so excited to have something to just let me be in the present and sit here, look around, and say "whew" I am here, and this is kick ass, because it is.

Travis, our amazing home, that I still run around in too much, my kick ass job, the new people I have been meeting. So needless to say, is it Tuesday yet? My lady said it will most likely be either Busepar or Zoloft, whatever, I don't care, I just need this edge off.

As far as body changes goes....indifferent? Trying so so hard to love my skin, body, my physical being. Better than it was? I think so. Slow, but better. I was down in weight this week, anxiety? Most likely. Anxiety from what? Ah yes, that's the question, what?

My lady said if she could describe me in one word it would be "Intrusive." She said because the relationship with Matt was painful and intrusive,, I have never really been on my own there has been some force directing, guiding, planning for my life. Interesting. The intrusiveness over the years leads to anxiety reaching a level that just seems so normal and has nowhere to go. So hopefully, the edge will be taken off while I can property disperse my anxiety elsewhere :)

Anywho. That's aboot it for now. X-files tonight, weeeee

Whyyyy

This is my "Why" list which also is my "To work on" list.


Why can't I see what other people see
Why can't I see my body the way other people see it
Why do I see this body that is not mine in the mirror
Why can't I see my face and appreciate beauty
Why can't I accept, embrace, and love my flaws
Why can't I let go

Here's the catch, I used to be able to do all that. I used to look down and say "damn, I love me." Looking down now is terrifying, it's filled of hate and torture. If I really really really try I can do it, I have to try harder.

Another catch, I do love me. I love my personality and I know I am capable of taking care of me.

:)

Sunset Flowers

Sunset roses are sitting on the counter at the Bellwether right now. They are making me weepy? We have a beautiful arrangement of sunset colored flowers at home too, this morning it was great to see them. It was more great to look at Travis sleeping. I was snuggling too aggressively though because he felt sick :( My poor babe.

As I stand here looking outside my mind wanders but at a slow rate. Which is nice. So much of the time my mind is flying. It's nice to just be in the present, which I hardly ever am. It's important to look around, really pay attention to details that are around you. Appreciate the beauty that is everywhere. Christ, now I'm getting weepy, I can't be weepy at the front desk :) So gay.

We had our house warming party last night, it went off beautifully. We had a blast, a ton of people came, great food, phenomenal strawberry bellinis, and more importantly great friends. It was so good to catch up with Jaime. It felt good to realize all those people were there because they love us and support us, we are so lucky. I am so lucky to have great people around me, I cannot keep letting this disease pull me from them.

Hrmph

So much for this being a daily blog. I have been meaning to write again. So here goes.

This process is hard. I mean hard. I am trying so hard, but it is so scary to 'lose control' and that's what it feels like each day. This massive loss of control, which will you know lead to failure, everything awful that could possibly happen to one person, followed by the loss of everyone who loves you. This is not rational.

Pause.

I would like to state that Me, real Me, is a very painfully rational practical person. I always have been. Shu-Jeng can vouch for that. But this thing, makes me the most irrational person I could imagine.

It tells me that the cheese I ate. The pieces of garlic bread I ate. The crackers. The hummus. Will undeniably lead to certain massive A. weight gain B. Ugliness C. Sadness D. Loss of everything good E. (yes E.) The inability to then be able to do anything worthwhile in my lifetime.

Do you see this? This is crazy. This is mania. This is not me. This is not me.

Everyday is harder because I can see changes in my body. I feel them. My clothes feel them. This is the scariest part. I loathe my closet, (pants, jeans, shorts, skirts) stare at me saying 'do not even try these on, because they will fit different, which means you are gaining weight, which means you are losing the only thing important about you.' This is scary. I hate pants. I hate mine. I want to buy jeans that fit, but I know I cannot let myself do that, because I should not buy any pants until I weight much more. So what do I wear until then? lol. That part confuses me.

I woke up this morning at 7 and just lost it, started crying my eyes out and could not breathe, Travis held me until I fell back asleep. There are no words for how lucky I am to have him.

Here is this man, who loves me, unconditionally, only wants me to get better, wants me to gain weight, to get my body back, to help me let me love myself again, who supports me in any way I need, who is beyond selfless in this process, who works so hard for both of us, who loves me for the times when I cannot do it myself. Who would cook me amazing meals in a second if I were to ever ask. Who is my rock. My complete strength. Who tells me I am sexy every day and that I am just getting sexier. This man, who is so incredibly sexy, so smart, witty, intelligent, compassionate, motivated, and did I say sexy? I have got to get through this and when I do, my life, all I want is to make his life easier, to love him the best I can every single day, to support him in anything he wants to do, to ease him when he is stressed, to be his rock. To be selfless for him. We built this little home of ours and I want it to be the real me living in it with him. I have never been so in love. I have never been so lucky.

Thank you Travis. Thank you nut. Thank you seet seet fly. Thank you. For everything you have done, are doing, and have yet to do.

I feel like I haven't gotten any sleep. I'm so tired every morning. My body is so sore. When I'm not at work I just want to not move. I know that this is probably from moving and then not being used to standing in one place for 40 hours a week. I am so grateful for it, but I am so drained right now. I don't want to make plans every single day before work to meet with people, I feel obligated, which makes me incredibly anxious, I hate planning, that's what I'm trying to move away from. The control of planning, blah blah. Learning to let go is hard when people won't shut the fuck up.

I feel like I can't breathe from money. I think it's next Friday when my first paycheck comes in. Not being paid for 3 weeks is hard though. I have 1. 45 in my checking account. My entire Paper Dreams paycheck, which I get today, is going to the condo rent, which I am positive it's not enough. Which means, I have to lower myself to asking for money. I hate myself. I hate money. I hate the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel pathetic and worthless because I can't do it on my own. Which makes me just want to not eat in any way whatsoever.

I hate that I don't have energy. I want to have energy to enjoy our new great home. I love it so much, but I hate that I have been so exhausted to not really enjoy it yet. The days off will be nice. But I am so stressed on how I'm going to pay for any of it. I hope so much that I get money from my relatives in CA, that will go to the gas.

I go get weighed today. I have no clue where I am honestly at. If I am below 80 I'm going to be looked at like an idiot from Sue. I hate her judgement. I hate her.

The only person that keeps me balanced is Travis. I want to be better for him. I want to have energy to play with him. He's so good to me and patient. I'm not even patient for me. He works so hard, I can't believe it.

I need to learn to breathe.