A Trip

Well in 2 days we will be in Vegas!
I am super excited and a little nervous. Not as nervous or anxious as I was when we first booked it though.

I have been practicing letting 'go' and trusting my body more. Yes ups and downs, but more ups during the last 3 weeks for sure. I'm scared about the food yes, I am scared about a swimsuit yes, I am scared about how I feel the next day.

I do like my swimsuit, I got new bottoms and kept an old top I had. I also sprung for some new shorts, not that I don't love wearing my blue ones over, and over, and over .....I found some really soft white ones that make me feel pretty okay in them. I am nervous about tank tops but have been making a point of not wearing baggy clothes, since it is in the 100's in Vegas...holy hell. I have never been in that hot of weather.

I am nervous that for example I wake up after day one feeling 'fat, guilty, etc' and have it interfere with my day, BUT I recognize that may happen and I will try my hardest to fight back and enjoy each moment of our vacation :)

I am so excited though for a vacation with Travis.
EEEE.

Go Me

I am pretty proud of myself for the last couple weeks. I have been slowly trying to trust my body more rather than control it in routines and habits. Granted, I'm not 100% there, but what I have been trying has gone rather well. I have felt much much better.

It was a pretty uneventful week at work and I am very much looking forward to my days off tomorrow and Tuesday.

We leave for Las Vegas in a week too! Travis needs this vacation so so bad and I'm pretty effing excited. It's going to be weird to have 4 days off from work! Eek!

It's going to be even more weird to try to trust my body while in Vegas and be 'intuitive' when it comes to eating. I've decided I will still bring a few Luna bars for extra help. I really am terrified to try on my swimsuit...I would rather not even try to but I can't exactly afford a new one...

Anywho, it's a sleepy Sunday at work, I've gone through a small wave of emotions since I got here mainly over eating some nut clusters, but I think I am starting to relax about it. I am very ready for bed already.

A New Layout

So I found this new layout and I thought it would be a nice change.

I think I have challenged myself a lot over the last few weeks.
I have been rather more spontaneous than usual the last couple weeks. This is exhilarating and I feel like each time I'm doing something 'bad.' When really I'm just challenging my disordered thoughts, behaviors, rituals and routines.

Travis and I adventured to the mall on Monday then I went to Nimbus with my dad. After that I would have been content with going home but we ended up going on outside adventures starting at Casa Que Pasa, where I (ON MY OWN) ordered chips and salsa. Then we went to the Ranch Room then to Rumors for Karaoke. At home I had cereal and a great unexpected day.

Tuesday was our Super Burrito BBQ day. I baked some peanut butter cookies, put together Watermelon Basil cocktails and even made myself a burrito (complete with tortilla) and ate it. I didn't even thrown dish soap on it.
Later after going dancing that night, at home I even let myself have a mini burrito and some ice cream.

The next day was hard, yes, but I wanted to trooper through it. By the time I got off work I was feeling much better. We stayed up to watch Sherlock Holmes and I made myself a salad with the leftover BBQ stuff, it was excellent and I didn't feel like death after.

Wednesday at work my perception of my body was out of control. I truly did feel awful and like a failure. Today I feel drastically different. It's bizaar how fast it can change from day to day.

I just have to believe that it will be better the next day.

Disordered Times

Update time. This week has gone really well.

Monday I was caught off guard and was forced to stray from my 'normal routine.'
Normally, on my Monday I get up early and super clean the bathroom, kitchen, floor, house and vacuum. I knew we had dinner reservations at 7 for Cliffhouse but had planned on doing my normal thing until then.
Then surprise Trav's grandparents show up at noon! I was for sure scattered for about a half hour, then I realized I could still get dressed, do my hair, while chatting and not losing my mind.
Then we spontaneously went to Poppe's for appetizers and drinks. So I went with it and had an amazing time. THEN, went back to Poppes with my mom for drinks, THEN went to DINNER at Cliffhouse! We had a fabulous time, when we got home it was around 8 and we relaxed a bit, then we decided to go out! This is NOT NORMAL for me, especially after having dinner at a restaurant.

Anyway, it was successful day full of lots of good conversation and was spontaneous.

Tuesday I was stoked for our BBQ, I went with a Greek theme and put together an oliver and veggie plate. We had a great turnout and had lots of yummy food, then even went out dancing after. LOTS of dancing. At home we had some more snacks then went to bed.


Then here comes Wednesday (The dreaded guilt filled, shame filled, regret filled day that tends to follow fun days). Well did I feel like shit? Yes. Did I feel guilty? Yes. But I went against every ounce of what I usually do and just tried to be with myself. At home instead of retreating to bed immediately, I stayed up, had some cereal and a little bowl of ice cream, watched 'It's Complicated' with Travis and had a wonderful night.

Basically I'm trying to mix things up.

A Lot of Thoughts

Okay, last night we had a really great long talk that was needed.

I got a lot out and I want to write it all down.
I am really struggling with my perception of my body. We went out last night and when we got home I had my 'safe' bowl of cereal then we just kept chatting away and pizza was ordered. We sat and I had a few of the cinnamon sticks then worked on a piece of pizza. After that I just lost it. I felt so much regret/shame/hatred/etc.

My day was as follows. I felt 'not fat' before work and it was nice and sunny out. At work I had my usual: Latte, Luna bar, Rockstar, carrots, and pretzels. Then we went out, I had a Blueberry Stoli and Bartender Lemonade. At home I had a bowl of Special K. Then some cinnamon sticks and a piece of pizza-->Enter 'Freak out.'

I felt guilty because 'I shouldn't have had the pizza or cinnamon sticks'

Travis is remarkable when it comes to talking to me about all of it. He asks me very pragmatic straight forward questions that don't cater towards the disordered thinking.

Have I become 'less' worthy of a person by gaining weight? No.
Have I become 'less intelligent?' No
Have I become 'hideous' and 'overweight?' No

It was a very emotional, hard night. But a wonderful talk and discussion and reassurance of remembering I am in a very very difficult part of my recovery.

I remember when I was 76 pounds and I thought i I reached 80 I would absolutely be a 'lost cause' It terrified me. The ounces would terrify me.

Then I remember when I saw that I was 83 and just cried and cried and felt so out of control. It was at this point where I decided that I no longer wanted to know or see my weight. Ever.

Now, I'm not that nieve that I think I'm still 85 or 90 pounds, but I would just like to live in that world right now. I am so afraid of it all.

I could use a big hug right now.



Anyway. This is a scattered post.

I feel awful :( I'm trying so hard, and I am trying to recognize that and be kind and forgiving to myself.

All I know is that I am beyond lucky to have Travis be so incredibly understanding of this disease and how it works.

A New Day

It's a new day and that's good. Yesterday was hard. Travis was wonderful. I'm so lucky to get to come home to him and a cute kitten, even if Oliver attacks us at night.

I am feeling better today. I did my pilates which helps my mind. The weather makes a difference. Plus, there are a lot of exciting things coming up. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to do anything without any disordered thoughts. I want to not have to live by rules.

So.
Things I am super looking forward to...
*3 1/2 weeks until Vegas. Exciting things include non stop flights there and back, exploring all the hotels with Travis, cocktails, Sitting at the POOL, and endless fun. I'm really excited.

*Our weekly BBQ. I have had such a great time with those. Travis is so good at grilling and it's so fun having our friends over and it's always great to look forward to.

*My parent's 25th anniversary. That's pretty rad, sadly it's the day before we leave to Vegas, and I'm assuming I'll most likely be working, but still awesome!

Distorted

I was really quiet this morning.
I was quiet because I was loathing my body/self/decisions.

I am very distorted in how I look. I have been so so uncomfortable today

:(

Breathing

I'm having a really really hard day. I had a great 3 day weekend but the guilt/shame/regret has caught up to me.

In 'real person life' I had a very successful weekend, eating and anti disorder wise. But my disordered side feels shameful and like 'I failed.'

I feel really really big and have had a lot of panic moments today. It's hard. I hate it.