Anxiety Comes in Waves

Funny how my lady was right about that...

The hardest thing is to remember that the anxiety will go down. Nothing is forever.

Today's been a good day. Great time at the gym with Travis, fun busy night at work (busy work that is) and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel called a 'weekend.'

Breathing

I've been feeling extremely crazy lately. My days off were full of anxiety because I didn't get to see Travis during them and I didn't really have plans. And not having plans for me equals anxiety. I've always been like that and I have to work extra hard to relax.

My day back at work Wednesday was hard and I was "feeling" fat. Thursday was stressful too. Friday I felt a little better. It's still very up and down throughout each day and from each day.

Travis is so incredible and patient with me. I can't believe I found him. He is my rock, my soul person, my love and my biggest supporter. How lucky am I?

Work was stressing me out last week from the shift issues and not having enough people to work, no days off with Travis etc. Natalie was amazing enough to trade me a day off with Travis. I know things will eventually fall into place with the schedule from hiring more people this week so I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've also had to take a step back and be thankful for having a job, that I do love, I love my co-workers, I work next door to Travis, we have the most beautiful home and adorable cat. I'm so lucky.

So this is me breathing. Day by day.

Thursday

It's Thursday at work (my Tuesday). Travis was off today as usual and he went fishing. I'm super jealous I couldn't have been off with him. Apparently it's also Gaga vs. Kesha night at Glow, of course. 

We are going to Nimbus for late night after work though to celebrate our anniversary. I'm glad we're going :)

I had good days off and felt good. I hate not having a day off with Travis. I'm so bored but I did well not obsessing and being too crazy. 

I feel pretty good now too at work, not enormous or whatnot. I got these Lululemon shorts that I love and have been wearing, they make me feel good when I'm at home. 

Went to the Y today also and I rode the bike again. I've done that twice and feel really different after as opposed to running, it's a good change. 

We also went to Bonnie's after to move her bed into storage. I'm so excited when we can bring it home!! eeeek! Of course my dad's truck is in the shop though. Ugh. 

Anywho, it's almost 9 at work and I'm so so anxious and ready to be off. Our reservations are at 11, so I hope I can get there at 11. 

Sundayf

It's finally my Friday. I'm so ready to have some days off, I only wish they were with Travis.
I'm editing the anxiety scale---> 1-5
    1 being relaxed, calm, awesome etc
    5 being crazy, want to curl in a ball

So today I'm at a 4. I literally sat in the bathroom for a little bit just to breath.
Triggers?
   We had a great time with all our friends at Autumn's house making brunch and sitting in the sun. When I got home I was faced with the dreaded task of putting work clothes on. I put on everything I had and just couldn't do it. So I'm seriously slumming it today, I have a skirt with my shirt untucked and have rubbed my stomach a million times today.

I want to be HoMe so so bad. It's gloomy out too.
Boo

Friday

It's not really my Friday, it's my Wednesday. The last couple days I've actually felt pretty good. I've felt pretty okay about my body. 

I went for a really great run today to my car at the Hog.

I'm sad though that the schedule has my next days off on another Monday & Tuesday. So no zoo trip in the foreseeable future :( I suppose it's okay because maybe it will keep getting nicer out and we can go on a hot day. I know I have some days requested off in July, so who knows. 

Le sigh* I'm pretty sleepy today. We went out last night and had a lot of fun. 

Better

I've felt better today than yesterday.
Anxiety is down to probably a steady 4

Day 2 of Long Week

9 Day work week------>Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, 

Anxiety today from 1-10 (10 being worse) Probably a consistent 7. 

I do not like how my skirt fits, I've been obsessively rubbing my stomach.

On my scale of 1-5 I've felt around 2.5? Not too swell.

I'm trying hard and I've sort of been able to keep my head remotely screwed on right. 

Last night once again I forgot to take my ZOLOFT! I have a great plan of crushing it up and eating it which will stop the hurting but I forgot.

Tonight I will take it for certain. Forgot my Buspar today too, ugh. 

Home Home Home

Only 25 minutes left. 

Back to Work

Well I had my days off and they were really great.
Friday I felt 100% better than the day before when I was super weepy while playing Scrabble at the coffee house. I had energy, I went to Poppes and had some pita & hummus, I went to the Ranch Room with people, then we went dancing at Rumors, I had a great time, jammed my thumb and felt like my feet were bleeding from dancing.

Saturday I went to the market, got a Sno Cone (crazy scary), walked around downtown, went to Zuanich Park to read, picked up some Tzaiki dip at Trader Joe's and popcorn, had Tzaiki w/ carrots, celery, & crackers, took a nap (not intentional), had my popcorn w/ a strawberries & creme frappachino. Then tried the two different Ben & Jerry's we got (a little bit).

I wasn't feeling sick or stuffed when I went to bed, I felt pretty okay.

I woke up today feeling okay, probably a 3.9-4. We had breakfast at Harris Avenue and I had the oatmeal, fruit, and a piece of toast. I still felt good after, actually still hungry.

Trigger for the day? Putting my work skirt on. MAJOR CHAOS.
The previous 3-4 days of work I had been wearing my pants, bc when I'm feeling huge they help for whatever reason, they sit low etc. I put my skirt on today and almost had a meltdown. To me I look 5 months pregnant. I was absolutely sickened, but was running late for work so just went with it. I've had my skirt hiked all the way below my hip bones, bc if I pull it up where it usually is I want to cry and vomit.

This sucks man :(

Hopefully through the night I feel a little better...
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Edit---> News flash, I work 10 days in a row again. Awesome. Get to miss me and Travis' 3 year anniversary.
So sad

**EDIT**

I would just like to say that I am now at more of a 3.5-3.9 on my scale.
What happened?
I occupied myself with working on my blogs, smiled more, moved around, which helped with digestion/moving etc issues..

So basically fuck yeah!
:)

Crazy

I feel crazy. So the last post I was talking about how drastically my days are from one to the next. Today I feel 100% different than I did Monday and 75% than Tuesday.

Why? Guilt, remorse, regret, anger over 'eating too much' in my mind. 

Recap time!

Monday 

-Baby Luna, chips & salsa at Autumn's with 2 baby corn tortilla quesadillas w/ bean dip, at home later on I had some popcorn, then we went to Haggen and I got a piece of strawberry rubharb pie, skinny cow single serving strawberry cheesecake ice cream. 

Tuesday 

-Baby Luna, baby carrots & celery w/ spicy salsa, Trader Joe's popcorn, some crackers from TJ's w/2 slices of cheddar cheese. 

I was so sad and upset about it all, when I write it down it doesn't look like a lot for a full day. It feels totally different. 

I've decided to make a scale on how I feel about my body. That I will evaluate each day and give it a whirl

1-5

1  Meaning :Frumpy, fat, that nothing in my closet fits, sweats are even uncomfortable , no way in hell I'd be going out anywhere. Rubbing my stomach probably a couple times each minute, looking down and just seeing fat, being distorted in the mirror insanely, measuring my thighs and arms and then judging. 

5 Meaning: Feeling small, slender, toned, ready to try on anything in my closet. The best day to go clothes shopping. Energetic, sexual, fierce. Looking down and seeing a toned stomach, lean legs and good arms. 

Today when I woke up I felt probably at a 3, we went to the gym, came home and then right before work it sank to a 2. I tried on literally 3 different options for work and just gave up and went with the pants so I could wear the tank top underneath that I feel hidden and safe in. Work's been at about a 2 the whole time.

Honestly I need to take my Zoloft, I'm sure that's made a huge impact on my mind the last month. I haven't taken it since the last time it hurt my entire throat and it was painful to swallow and breathe. I need to try it tonight, I'm scared and hope it doesn't hurt. 

Anywho, I'm feeling a little better now after evaluating this. It helps to put a number on my feelings towards my body, puts it in perspective. I think I'm more at a 2.9 now.