Body

My body thoughts have been up and down, what's new.

Work clothes are still a huge trigger for me, I ordered a bandage skirt that should be coming next week and I hope that it helps with that anxiety.

I haven't been the best at keeping up with my Buspar and Zoloft. For no good reason at all. I've done good this week and I hope it's making a difference.

I feel a lot more relaxed with variety if I am at home but it's followed with regret. I try to occupy myself from it, but it's still really hard.

My view of my body is the same. Fat/frumpy/lumpy/blob etc. I try to get outside of my mind and understand that these come from anxiety stemming from another reason and I am able to take a deep breath and realize I am not huge. Then sometimes I'll walk by a mirror and it seems like a carnival mirror of distortion and I get this wave of dread over myself.

Again a deep breath has to happen and I look around and am thankful for Travis and Oliver and our home. Realizing it's okay.

Breathing is key.

Something I have been able to accomplish is reading. When I was really sick I could not sit still for more than 15 minutes without loathing myself and rubbing my stomach, let alone even read a page of a book because I was so hungry. I got a book this last week and am on page 100, honestly I am so happy I can focus and remember what I am reading.

My next step is to go to Woods and read in a chair and breath and relax.

Here goes!

Much Needed Update

At work most sites are now blocked at the front desk so I have fallen off of the wagon of keeping up to date with this blog. I can access it from the back computer and will do better from now on.

It's been a turbulent few weeks/month. I can't remember details of far back so I'll stick with this past week, which has been hard. I have been having incredibly bad body image and have been convinced I am frumpy etc. I've been uncomfortable and have noticed that I have been obsessing about it at work more.

Reasons? There is a girl at work that triggers me sure, there are my work clothes which seem to be a daily struggle, there is guilt from eating foods that I have become more custom to. (i.e. oatmeal).

At work I eat a baby cliff bar and usually a little bowl of the pretzel snacks, that's basically it. I'm not literally starving like I was so I'm not usually hungry at work and if I am I eat another bowl of pretzels or find something. When I get home is when I eat my dinner really. It's been sometimes soup, oatmeal, cereal and the other night I even made myself a sandwich. This leaves me feeling guilty/out of control etc. I actively try to ignore it and talk some sense into myself, but you know how that goes.

I've also been reallllly bad about keeping up on my Zoloft and Buspar. I am going to start taking them like I am supposed to. I just kept forgetting for no good reason and I'm sure it has had an impact on my thinking lately.

Besides that I'm okay, I have seen some pictures of my body that don't make me sick, so that's positive.

Bright thoughts~