Happy Autumn Camper

So I am so so glad that I was able to find those tops that are all fall colors and tight fitting! It's really helped me be more comfortable in form fitting clothes and I am actually starting to not like baggy clothes and feeling more confident in form fitting things.

This is huge. Even at work now I have abandoned my loose fitting skirts that made me look like a little boy.

I'm just really into autumn right now and decorating and pumpkin spice smells.

I'm also finally being rewarded at work too. This job has made me much more assertive and I have gotten pretty good at not appearing 'weak' or 'nervous' or 'anxious' and I have been able to not take bullshit from people that try to push me around.

I suppose it has to do with all the little things that have fallen in place and come together. I feel that finally I am building myself and more of who I am as a person.

Autumn

It's been a while since I have
updated. I haven't felt the need to. I haven't felt the need to read my eating disorder blogs everyday, maybe once a week.
I haven't felt the need to be down on my self at work or even on my hung over days.
I haven't felt massively guilty after eating something 'not normal' or grabbing a bite here and there of different food, even mac and cheese.
I also haven't felt that I've gained enormous amounts of weight.
I haven't felt the need to feel my thighs and hate that they touch.
I haven't hated my stomach so much where I curl in a ball.

It's pretty cool :)

I got a new pair of jeans and have been wearing them, also I think my biggest victory lately has been my purchasing of 6 fitttted tank tops and wearing them. It's nice to not wear baggy and I actually feel better about myself wearing clothes that fit.

Goodness

So I have done a poor job of updating. So time for a meaningful update.

It's the end of August and fall is right around the corner. The nights are crisper, cooler, the leaves in the backyard are piling up. It's bittersweet. I had a great summer. Our BBQ's, Vegas, Mariner's Game. I'm anxious for fall because that means heavier clothes. I want them to be form fitting, but I am still so afraid of my 'form' that I still often times do what I can to hide it.

This led me to ask why am I so afraid of my 'form.' Why do I feel the need to conceal it. I know this relates back to when I was sick and emaciated, I thought that was 'thin.' And now I feel fat, frumpy, let go etc. It is really difficult for me to believe that I am still 'thin' or 'petite'.

I also feel foreign in my body. I don't know how to really walk/stand/present myself. I was always so hunched over and tried to blend in.

The other thing I was thinking about was why does part of me want to be as emaciated as I once was? A part of me mourns and longs for when I was that sick. Why? Nothing was better than, than things are now. It's that odd part of the disease that tries to make me believe these things.

Another note...work's been slowing down, I'm really hoping we get to move back to wearing black or blue for bottoms instead of khakis. I have been having a lot of trouble working in my khaki skirts and khaki pants. They are much much tighter than when I first got them, which is awful and obvious. But I have had zero luck trying to find another option. It makes my time before work anxious.

Along with anxiety about the fall and holidays I am also really excited. I want desperately to embrace my body with sweaters, boots, tight jeans and hats. Why do I convince myself that I can't 'pull that off' or 'don't deserve to wear those things.? That's a major goal of mine.