Damn

So yesterday I went to my new doctor. It was weird sitting there while she was reading my chart and I always just feel really ashamed that I have an eating disorder. It makes me feel weak. She asked me to tell me about my history in my own words. I did and she was really nice about it and told me how impressed with me that I have come so far without inpatient. I can't even compare her and Jacobson, the difference is night and day. So we got a little plan that I will do weight checks, I told her I haven't known my weight in about 6 months and how that has helped so so much and I prefer to not know. She completely understood and so did the nurse, Heather, who is a little older than me and was so nice too.

Anyway, after getting an EKG done and some blood work done they gave me some paper work that I bring to the hospital to get an echo done at sometime, I was there reading for the directions to it and there it was printed...my weight. I got through the whole appointment and then of course I had to stumble upon it. I was devastated. I still am. So then I was so anxious the rest of the day, which didn't help the fact that we were going to dinner at a friend's and that we made mac and cheese (something that terrifies me beyond belief). I tried so hard to snap out of it and relax. I went through constant waves of it throughout the night. There were times when I was fine and could calm myself and enjoy and be in the present then my mind kept flashing back to the number. Which contributed to (I can't believe you let this happen, you can't eat anymore now bc you reached too big of a weight, you should start losing weight again, you are fat, blah blah). You know. I hate that it's just a number and If I hadn't had accidently seen it, nothing would be different today. But fuck, it's so different now. I was so so happy not knowing and now I am playing the number game in my head. I'm so torn.

Fuck. Can't I just erase what I saw? This is the most ridiculous disease. I'm ready for my valium please. Also, my lady time has been severely fucked lately. The last 2 months it's started in the middle of my pill cycle, it lasts about the same time, but then I'm torn on whether to start a new pack or keep going. That's frustrating...and confusing. I also have a physical and pap smear on the 19th....I haven't had a lady appt since October of 08....woops. I suppose I have just wanted to be ignorant. So it's good that she wants to do one.

Hrmph. I suppose it's a good time to do it, new year, new check-ups, make sure everything's A-Okay.

This is such an emotional rollar coaster. This recovery. Last night I told Travis I think my recovery will be when I can have him cook and we can eat together, anytime, anywhere, without rules.

A Christmas Follow-Up

I have realized that the holiday season is the hardest for me and it seems like most people with eating disorders. It's months of indulgent rich food. A time for big meals around big tables. A time of basically all the scary food. Coupled with a time to dress up cute and go to lots of parties. This causes a problem. Eating food AND going to parties?! But I can proudly say I think I did pretty great this year. I tried to keep a balance. I did treat myself to McDonalds one night :) Let me just say, it was so so satisfying. I even had enchiladas this season, I tried brussel sprouts for the first time too. I ate a pretty good share of cookies and lots of chocolates. I drank fancy hot drinks at bars WITH whipped cream, I did also eat my veggies and Luna bars to keep a balance. I continued to run 4 times a week and felt great about that. I just really think I did okay.

Christmas eve was nice eating little things all day (my favorite thing to do). I was nervous about Christmas but my parents said if I can only just sit at the table then they understand, they just wanted me there. So I was so releaved. I had brussel sprouts (which I fell in love with), and I had to have my mom's famous jello salad that we have each year and I love the celery in it, and I even had some baked apples and yams.

When Travis got home we were hungry and sadly the only place open was Pizza Pipeline. I decided not to have pizza, I just couldn't do it last night and opted for some carrots with BBQ sauce and some chocolates. Alas, there are easy days and hard days.

Overall though? Pretty great.

My Friday

It's my Friday. Best part is that I only work Wednesday this week. That's rad.
Went out last night and had a lot of fun. I even ate 2 enchiladas, that was the first time in well over a year since I've had one. They were so tasty. Plus, I didn't feel like shit when I woke up. I got up, had a great run and got a lot done. Baked the rest of the hotel cookies, got wrap and ribbon and everything to package them up tomorrow and drop them off at the hotel. They should look good. Plus I'm getting paid $120 for them, which covers my parent's hotel room. Thank god.

Tomorrow morning I have to bake a small batch of lemon rosemary biscotti along with packaging that stuff then relax! Well, decorate gingerbread houses, see the girls, roll around with Travis and snuggle Oliver.

We got home at 4:30 last night and I am finally feeling the lack of sleep. It's 8:30 here, 2.5 more hours then I get to put sweats on, wash my dirty face, and lay down. I can't wait. Fuck.


I have to make an appointment tomorrow for the nutritionist this week, I haven't gone in a while because of all the busy schedules.

December 18th!

It's insane that it's December 18th...it's going too fast...I love the holidays. But I'm not dreading the after part so much because
A. I live with someone who I fall more in love with each day.
B. We have a tiny kitten.
C. I have a great job that I love.

But still...I love Christmas. Monday is going to be spent seeing my ladies and making gingerbread houses. And if Travis has it off, maybe D&D? I just really want to make a gingerbread home.

As far as eating? It's been pretty uneventful this week, which is fine with me. I had a lot of veggies when we went out the other night, which honestly was so so yummy. I really adore brocoli and mushrooms, especially at the Ranch Room, their mushrooms are so big!

I don't have too much baking left to do. Only one more batch for the corporate clients to do that I will drop off Monday. Awesome. Double awesome is that I have Christmas Eve off, I will have to take Ollie home with me for overnight, I don't want to leave him :(

Anywho. My body is...growing on me. Slowly. But it's getting somewhere.

Here goes!

Feeling...
-Happy
-A tiny bit hungry
-Thankful

Wanting...
-To be home, only 1 more hour!
-To eat something really satisfying....
-To have big boobs...

Because...
-I get to see Oliver and let him out of the bathroom, I bet he's pissed. Plus I get to see my nut.
-This week has been average, which I do like very much, but I could use something really...flavorful you know?
-I've always wanted boobs? lol, getting there...

Looking Forward To...
-Tomorrow night because me and Val are going to hang out and hopefully Sarah who I haven't seen forever. Also, I'm helping Bonnie decorate her condo at 11 tomorrow...so early...
-Monday because the corporate cookies will be done and paid for. Plus, I get to see Autumn and meet Nolie and see Sarah, Val, and Jaime and make gingerbread homes, maybe even D&D, which would be rad.
-Tuesday, another day off! Yippee!

Daily Gratitude...
-That this week has been pretty forgiving with my body. I really really appreciate that.
-That we were able to adopt a healthy kitten who needed a home so much.
-That I am the luckiest person I know, in every aspect of my life. It amazes me each night before going to sleep. Wow.

Mkay, well it's 10:12....I'll make a few laps around the halls and call it a night..

December 12th

It's insane that this year is almost over. BUT not getting sad about that yet! We still have lots of Christmas Celebration days! Eeeee! ALSO, a little kitten will be joining our home hopefully soon :) I cannot wait.

Anyway. This week has been mainly pretty great. Monday felt pretty good early night, Tuesday had a blast with a day off, adventure to Bob's and Poppe's, lots of rolling around and giggling with Travis. Wednesday was bomb full of banquet, Poppes, and NYP fun, minus me getting a little too blacked out...(sorry). Thursday was a quiet night, Star Trek, Friday another quiet night filled with present making, today's been fun full of baking banana cranberry bread, finishing ALL my Christmas shopping and finding the good news about the kitten. Meeting up with Sarah and Val when I'm off, hopefully at Copper Hog.

I have tomorrow off and am spending the day baking, finishing up some Christmas presents, and relaxing. Monday is our trip to Seattle, I cannot wait.

Feeling...
-Excited
-A teeny anxious
-Happy

Wanting...
-To be off work now
-To put on my normal clothes
-To punch some hotel guests

Because...
-I can't wait to see Sarah and Val and my nut and whoever else comes to play
-I really like my outfit I have for tonight and I like my hair today
-They are in the lobby being drunk and loud...then again...that many times is me...so I love them

Procrastinating on..
-NOT Christmas presents :)
-Paying my Capital One bill I guess? It's due the 21st so not really....
-Nothing else really? Calling my nutritionist...eh yeah.

Looking Forward To...
-Tonight! 2 hours!
-Tomorrow baking/Christmas decorating more
-MONDAY
-Everything
-KITTEN

Daily Gratitude
-My amazing, forgiving, understanding, loving boyfriend. Who takes me home when I'm blacked out, takes my clothes off, puts my jammies on, takes my jewelry off, and brings me water and a Mr. Goodbar. He is my fucking hero.
-That I don't loathe my body today
-KITTEN


Anywho. It's 9:04.

How is it December 7th already?

I love the Christmas season. It's my favorite ever. And each year it goes by too fast. There's always so much I want to do during it, I get frazzled, imagine that....
I got some gift bags today for cookies I am going to be making the kitchen, housekeeping, and back offices for Christmas. My friends presents are all done. I am working on a scrapbook for my dad and have their present all ready. I need to go to Fairhaven and make some earrings at Bead Bazaar and go to the little wine shop there. I should really do that tomorrow on my day off.
I'm hoping we can play D&D tomorrow night, if not, at least all hang out. I'm excited for the banquet on Wednesday too, mainly because Travis gets to go now. And dressing up.
I have so many cookies to bake and put in cute packages and things to wrap. I need more hours in the day. Even when I get up and do stuff before work I feel like there's so much more to do! I've stayed up late the last two nights, so I'm going to go to bed when I'm off work tonight and try to get up a little earlier to get some stuff done.

I went and got weighed today, I hate that, it's so stupid. I have my lady tomorrow at 1, which is fine, but just want to do so many other things.

I called our land lady today and left a message about adopting a cat. She hasn't called me back yet...



UGH
<3

Holiday

I wore my jeans last night. I made a point of doing it. I put them on, jumped on the bed, turned about a million times, tried to convince myself they looked good, I was fine, trying to be calm until I finally had to tell myself to just leave. So I did. I wore them and felt okay. Still anxious, nervous but fuck I did it. So there we go. Go me. Ugh. I am going to wear them tomorrow too dammit. I can and I will.

Today was pretty okay, even after drinking last night. I ate popcorn last night when we got home and it was A. VERY satisfying B. Didn't make me feel sick or bloated, so that's cool! I got some good errands done today too. I got jars at goodwill for my Christmas gifts and the ingredients I needed. At work I made cute little how to cards for them and when I get home I'm going to fill them up. I think they'll be pretty cute.

Work was alright tonight, It just felt good to get stuff done.

Tomorrow I have some hotel cookies to bake and I am hoping to lurk around downtown because there are a few Christmas things going on downtown. Going out tomorrow night probably. Travis wants to go to a show at the Night Light and It would be fun to have another go at it with the 'jeans.'

I also found a great sparkly green scarf that I wore tonight at work for Christmas. I love it. I am also in love with the decorations at work.

Ohhh and Travis got Tuesday Wednesday off so he can come to the banquet at the Lakeway on Wednesday. Catered event with drinks and hopefully my parents win! I'm so so glad he can come. He is so incredible.

I went on an amazing run today. It was so cold and sunny it felt great. Also, what I noticed today, when it comes to running, I have a LOT more stamina than I used to. I actually ran fast today and it was great and just felt so good to stretch and wake up. I have really enjoyed running again. Especially around our cute neighborhood where I see at least one squirrel per run.

I love this Christmas season with Travis. He has been the biggest part of my recovery. He's so great and I love our Christmas home :)

I can't wait to be home in sweats :)