A Better Week

It's been a better week for sure.
Monday I went to Nimbus with my dad for drinks then met the girls at Poppes. It was great because Autumn was able to come out.

Tuesday we had a fabulous BBQ and I ate some of the mac and cheese, it was soo good. We went dancing after too. The next day I was hung over but wasn't loathing myself.

The rest of the week's been quiet and really nice, I love nights in watching movies or watching Deadliest Warriors.

A Better Post

So I have felt a lot better the past couple days. I have been going on my morning jogs which helps me feel better during the day.

I know that my body image, distortion, worth changes daily if not hourly it seems. I also know that if I'm not careful I will literally let myself loathe my body while I'm at work.

I really have to snap out of it and realize I do not look different than any other day.

It's just hard.

Anxious

Well yesterday I did have a very anxious day. So what caused this?
I went out on Monday night with the girls - Had some pico de gallo, then at the Ranch Room I had a veggie basket and at home I made some cereal.
I was feeling off on Tuesday because I was a little anxious about the BBQ food, but more excited. I snacked at the BBQ and even had a bowl of the noodles we made. I felt guilty because I felt I ate too much. We went dancing and I ate when I got home too. Which led to Wednesday just beating myself up.
I went to Hearthfire but was just so anxious, it helped to talk through it and I relaxed a little. But I went to the girls' and felt so awful that I couldn't fathom going out so I walked home and hadn't really had anything to eat that day so I made a little bowl of the noodles, which was good and some cereal.

It was a lot of guilt and bad talk. I'm still feeling it today but trying.

Recap

The week's been a little hard.
We had an incredible day celebrating our 2 year and went to Nimbus, it was beautiful out and we dressed up and watched a movie with champagne at home.

The next day I was feeling a little off but kept going, I went out to Hearthfire then to a BBQ. It took a few days for me to feel guilty about having some chicken at the BBQ, then after we went to the Ranch Room, I had part of a veggie plate, and at home I had some granola and yogurt. For some reason this all really stuck in my head the following days.

Which then has led to me feeling 'big' all week. I've also had some more unusual scary foods this week. But anyway, I have the next few days off and am a bit anxious but really trying to gain some perspective.

Vegas Recap...

Alright so I'm here to update my first vacation trip being 'more' recovered from my eating disorder.

The last trip I took was to Portland, in the high point of my disorder. It was a very hard time eating there. I had 2 major crying breakdowns.

But this trip was much better.

Here's how it went.

Monday I had my Luna bar around 3 before we left for the airport. On the plane ride there I was getting really really hungry. I stared at the plane menu for about 15 minutes deciding if I wanted to order anything. I decided that I was going to have my second Luna bar and then ate the free little bag of pretzels. I felt much better.

Upon arriving, I wasn't hungry in the slightest and felt good. However, from the time we got off the plane, to get a shuttle, to get to our hotel it was about almost an hour. Travis was starving and I was getting a little hungry.

We ended up at Cesar's Palace and I was so hungry that when we saw the Cheesecake Factory I said yes. We got a basket of INCREDIBLE bread, Rye and Sourdough. I had 1.5 pieces of each, it was sooo good.

I ordered the Thai chicken lettuce wraps which were INCREDIBLE and the perfect type of food for me. It came with lettuce pieces to put the little chicken pieces in, shredded carrots, sprouts, 3 types of sauce and pickled cucumbers. I ate all of them and was full, content, and not hating myself. It was so good because it felt safe because the wrap part was lettuce and the flavors etc.

We walked around a bit more, which helped me digest, because being sick I never understood that the body digests after you eat and then an hour or so later you feel better. Big news. We were heading back to the room and I decided to get a bag of Raisinetts because I wanted chocolate.

The next day we went to the Rio to go the buffet #1 (scary right?), well it was AWESOME. It really is the ideal eating situation for me because I get to have full control over portions, types, anything and everything. It was 12:30 and I went through all the sections, which included 7 types of world foods. I took little spoonfulls of things and pretty much mixed them all up. I even got a little carrot cake that came in personalized bite sized pieces. I didn't eat myself sick, I ate until I was content and more importantly enjoyed all the different types of flavors and foods I got to have.

We continued our adventure and yet again my body digested and I felt 'normal' within an hour. (Crazy huh). We did lots of walking and some drinking. From all the walking and heat we didn't realize how hungry we were until of course we were at the Luxor, far away. We ended up at the Spice Buffet at Planet Hollywood for dinner around 6:30ish. This was great, I got to sample all sorts of things I would never be able to before because of portion size. I fell in love with the Middle Easter food, the Basil Cous Cous was great. Everything was great and I had a very good yummy dinner. I ended the night with some Raisinetts again.

The next day we got in line for the Village Buffet for breakfast. We got in around 11 and I had a WONDERFUL brunch/lunch. I was really sick to my stomach in the morning but had incredible oatmeal with peaches, yogurt and granola, an herb frocaccia roll, a little pastry, fruits, and even a baby chocolate chip pancake. It was so great and more importantly I realized that eating in the morning and being full gave me LOADS of energy through the day and I didn't get famished or hungry or weak. We were getting hungry around 5:30ish and decided to get nachos at this Mexican grill in Ballys. They were the most incredible nachos I've ever had, red/white/blue chips, beans, salsa, guacamole, olives, sour cream, cheese etc. I picked away at them, (another great thing about nachos is that we share them and I get to pick at them and what I want). Anyway we had planned on having a dinner that night but we were both so full from nachos even around 9 that we decided to postpone that for Fino or something at home. I wanted a dessert so we ventured to Red Mango Frozen Yogurt shop and I got the pomegranate vanilla frozen yogurt with kiwis, strawberries, and rice pieces. It was awesome!

The next day I woke up feeling good. Who would have thought! We got to the Vegas airport and had an hour to kill, so at noon we went to get lunch. I had a fruit bowl and chai latte. On the plane I had the pack of pretzels again.

At home I had a Luna bar then we ended up going back for a little bit then at home I had a little bowl of cereal that I didn't even finish just because I wasn't hungry.

So basically. I get a fucking A for my food time in Vegas.